tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23155626494885439452024-03-05T23:32:23.142-06:00Loving When It HurtsA blog about a broken marriage, restored ONLY by God. While my husband held the evidence of my betrayal in his hands, I walked away from him & our marriage in February 2012. This is the story of how God brought me back home to my husband, then to Himself. "Love is not a fight, It's something worth fight for." - Warren BarrfieldLoving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.comBlogger222125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-53543130126264943792023-08-18T13:13:00.005-05:002023-08-18T13:14:49.640-05:00Get Your Hands Dirty<p>From the time we are little, we are taught to wash our hands (most of us, anyway). There is this constant message about keeping our hands clean. So, from a young age, we are conditioned to wash our hands. To get all the dirt and grime off, so that we can move freely through life without that mess holding us back.</p><p>But, what if I told you that sometimes you have to get your hands dirty?</p><p>I feel like I am on the tail end of months of depression. I have known I was struggling, but I have kept my eyes fixed on the horizon, knowing that rescue was on the way. It would have been easy to slip under the weight of the heaviness I have been carrying around, but because God is good and has helped me to grow in this area, I didn't give in to the despair. I felt the despair and the heaviness, but I bore up under it-I didn't let it drown me. Because I KNEW that it would not last. I knew that God would bring relief and comfort in the weak moments and lift me up out of it, once I had faced what had led me there to begin with.</p><p>In the midst of my depression, I have been incapable of keeping up with the beautiful garden and flower beds that the prior owners so lovingly cared for. At first, the weeds were small and sporadic. But with more rain than feels usual for the Midwest in summer and complete inattention, the weeds very quickly multiplied. They grew taller and thicker until there were some places where you couldn't really even see the plants anymore. And they just kept growing. As they grew, I became more and more depressed. It was a metaphor, really, for what my summer has been like. It got to the point where I really didn't even want to go out onto my top deck, because just looking at it made life feel 10 times harder.</p><p>The state of the weeds has been hanging over my head, threatening to overwhelm my garden and my mind. I have, over the last several weeks especially, felt a lot of shame in not being able to get out there and deal with it. I have felt frozen in place, unable to take the step I need to just start clearing them. It is too much. It will take too long. It will be too hard. It will be putting my body through something that will take me DAYS to physically recover from. It was just too big. Because of my neglect, and partly because of much unexpected rain this summer, the weeds began to take over the garden. You could still see the flowers and they were actually still growing and some even thriving in their harsh environment. But you could tell that they were being choked out. </p><p>It has been a source of great stress to me this summer, knowing it needed to get done, but feeling completely defeated just from looking at it. It's not that I don't know how to weed, or that I physically can't do it. I CAN do it. It is incredibly hard on my back and neck, and it will take days to get the pain levels down, but I am capable of doing the work. But there is something about starting. Taking that first step. </p><p>I freeze.</p><p>Every.</p><p>Single.</p><p>Time.</p><p>I will stand there and look out, and all I see is a mountain. And I have climbed a mountain. It's a BIG commitment. Once you start, there's oftentimes no turning back. So, just like you have to gear up for a hike up a large mountain, I always feel like I have to gear myself up to tackle these types of projects, especially when I have let them get out of control. I feel a desperate need to be prepared and know the outcome before I take that first step. But that's not the reality we live in. Most of the time, we do not get to know the outcome. That's the whole mystery of life--we have no idea how it is going to turn out. And for those of us who like things neat and tidy and to always be prepared for any eventuality, it can lead to a lot of uncertainty, which in turn can lead to high levels of anxiety as we pass through this life.</p><p>But sometimes you have to just start, even when you can't see a way through. Even when you don't really know how to take the first step. Oftentimes we think the first step is the actual movement towards whatever the "thing" we need to do is. But really, the first step is making the decision to do it. I haven't wanted to commit to the weeding because I have known the sheer amount of hours and physical beating it would take to get it all done. I'm not the kind of person who can start a project and just put in 50% effort. If I am going to do something, I am going to wholeheartedly do it. I don't know any other way to live, and I know after a year of therapy that a big part of that is a fear that I will not be enough if I don't give it 110% percent. It's simply where I am right now, but it is not a place I am planning to camp out in for any amount of time. A time will come when I learn to balance wanting to give 100% in any situation or relationship not out of fear but because that is what God asks of me.</p><p>In the Passion translation, Colossians 3:23 says, "Put your heart and soul into every activity you do, as though you are doing it for the Lord himself and not merely for others." For much of my life, I did tend to put my heart and soul into my activities, but it has only been in the last year that I have been learning that my motivation was for myself or others. I wasn't giving my all because I was motivated to please God. It was done out of desperation, to prove that I am worthy of love or acceptance or praise. It was a survival technique I picked up early on in my life. And it has served me well, honestly, this ability to jump in and tackle a big project. That perfectionism has made me good at my job, and good at craft projects, taking a lot of pride in a job well done.</p><p>Knowing how I tend to throw myself into projects--meaning once I start I will not stop until it's done well--regardless of the motivation, I knew how hard weeding the garden was going to be, and so I kept putting it off, and it just kept becoming more and more unmanageable. If I was going to take back control over the weeds, it meant one thing: I was going to have to get my hands dirty. I was going to have to get down on the ground and begin pulling up everything that didn't belong. And I also knew it was going to take a significant amount of my time. </p><p>So two nights ago, I began. I made the decision to just start somewhere. I picked out a small section of the flower bed and got to work. With the break in heat, the temps even cooperated to where I wasn't unreasonably angry by how hot I was while doing a chore I didn't want to do in the first place. I only did a small section of the beds that day. Yesterday, I took advantage of another burst of energy and drive and did almost ALL the rest of the beds on the deck, leaving one large section. Then last night, with the help of two great friends, we finished the back and made significant progress in the front. </p><p>Not able to leave a big project unfinished, especially when so close to the finish line, I turned on some worship music and got down in the dirt again this morning. Being too lazy to go get gloves from the back though, I decided I would just do without. I never used gloves to weed growing up so it certainly wasn't going to hurt me, right?</p><p>And the first thing I noticed is how quickly my hands got dirty. Sometimes, simply put, you have to be willing to get your hands dirty. Life is messy. There's no clean, painless way through it. You have to be willing to get a little (or at times, a lot) messy. And with weeding, you can't just bend over and pull the weeds up. If there are only a handful, maybe you can sustain that. But if there's a lot of work to do, the best way is to sit down right in the middle of it and just start clearing the path. So, that's what I did. I got down on the ground, in the middle of the weeds, and just started pulling.</p><p>It's kind of crazy to me how many different types of weeds I have encountered over the last 3 days. Some weeds come up easily. We have a lot of wild violets or clover or something in the front and you can just gather up the stems and pull them up by the root without too much effort. There were some tall thick-stalked weeds that looked like they would be really difficult that proved to be easy. And then, there were some really thin, long weeds that simply would not pull up at the root. They would break off in my hand and it would be difficult to get them out by the root. </p><p>I see my therapy journey through this metaphor with the garden and the weeds. I have spent the last year weeding through all the things in my life that are unhealthy or could use pruning. Some of the things have been easier than others to move through and uproot from my life. And then there are these lingering things: fear of abandonment, speaking to and thinking cruelly about myself, a desperate desire to be SEEN by others that has a lot of pride tied up with it. Those are the deeply rooted things that I can't do on my own. I have tried. I have pulled and dug at them, never finding their roots. And if you don't pull something up by the roots, it WILL reappear. It might take some time, or it might come back overnight. But it will come back up and you will have to deal with it again. You have to find the root and then completely remove it.</p><p>As God always does, he has been bringing me songs and images and lessons, and right now, as I dive deep into healing, he has sent them cascading over one another. While weeding last night, Sara, Bre and I talked briefly about the metaphors for life and weeding and gardens. We didn't delve too deeply into it, but we all agreed there was a lot of dots to connect there. Sara wrote briefly about it on Facebook last night, and included this picture with a line I have always loved from Who Am I (NEEDTOBREATHE). "You grow your roses on my barren soul."</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdsL8qgb49kP4P2eq4kRGNiFCHJFWt4_3HpXhq8guDADotGTUbGjZQEj_Zoo78oKQ8Or0awPRoQ7AtjhWTuTQkc-tJ4MDKgSXr-trYxgyHk_ijY_MVLUmy4HVt01WMCFrm3vDx-SeqE-7T1t3CI0PaaQGL23v1jrqFE48xNTajSbj2ql6q83wnjoYRNzM/s1080/roses.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdsL8qgb49kP4P2eq4kRGNiFCHJFWt4_3HpXhq8guDADotGTUbGjZQEj_Zoo78oKQ8Or0awPRoQ7AtjhWTuTQkc-tJ4MDKgSXr-trYxgyHk_ijY_MVLUmy4HVt01WMCFrm3vDx-SeqE-7T1t3CI0PaaQGL23v1jrqFE48xNTajSbj2ql6q83wnjoYRNzM/s320/roses.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Then, Kris and I went in for a marriage counseling tune up this morning to talk about something that, like the weeds has been immobilizing me for months, keeping me held in a place of fear. It was a good visit and I came away with a couple of tools to try to help me navigate through it safely. As soon as we got back in the car, I did the cursory peek at Facebook to see if anything interesting happened in my one hour absence and I saw this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggALvXt_ihVtc_14YU62w7-KQSFes1Zufi9uLT7hYbYl4VRJm8QUFh1PK1a1Jg8HzhUl3FNqIXPHmkRHvxqcwPk7_CxzxfnZEwtrNeGEdiuYaMNc0t4O1AZ4DqbbNXJm6TsFVn_8rqwakZXt6Q1zt8CH9wft3PShaFRjWuA5kO7-Uk3z5ASU6r_I_Porw/s1080/367736278_705801161583221_1256549553683361374_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggALvXt_ihVtc_14YU62w7-KQSFes1Zufi9uLT7hYbYl4VRJm8QUFh1PK1a1Jg8HzhUl3FNqIXPHmkRHvxqcwPk7_CxzxfnZEwtrNeGEdiuYaMNc0t4O1AZ4DqbbNXJm6TsFVn_8rqwakZXt6Q1zt8CH9wft3PShaFRjWuA5kO7-Uk3z5ASU6r_I_Porw/s320/367736278_705801161583221_1256549553683361374_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>And if that wasn't enough proof from God that I am seen and known, as I finished up the weeding, this song was playing. It brought me immense comfort that God saw me in the midst of the weeds (both literal and figurative) and reached down to tenderly care for my soul.<div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XFkDqQtfs0w" width="320" youtube-src-id="XFkDqQtfs0w"></iframe></div><br /><div><br /><div><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Come out of hiding, you're safe here with me</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">There's no need to cover what I already see</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You've got your reasons, but I hold your peace</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You've been on lockdown and I hold the key</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">'Cause I loved you before you knew it was love</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And I saw it all, still, I chose the cross</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And you were the one that I was thinking of</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">When I rose from the grave</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Now rid of the shackles, my victory's yours</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">I tore the veil for you to come close</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You're not far from home</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">I'll be your lighthouse when you're lost at sea</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And I will illuminate everything</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">No need to be frightened by intimacy</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">No, just throw off your fear</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And come running to me, woo-ooah</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">'Cause I loved you before you knew it was love</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And I saw it all, still, I chose the cross</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And you were the one that I was thinking of</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">When I rose from the grave</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Now rid of the shackles, my victory's yours</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">I tore the veil for you to come close</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You're not far from home</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You're not far from home</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Keep on coming, aye</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And oh, as you run</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">What hindered love</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Will only become</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Part of the story</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And oh, as you run</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">What hindered love</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Will only become</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Part of the story</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And oh, as you run</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">What hindered love</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Will only become</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Part of the story</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">And oh, as you run</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">What hindered love</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Will only become</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Part of the story</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Baby, you're almost home now</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Please, don't quit now</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You're almost all to me, yeah</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Baby, you're almost home now</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Please, don't quit now</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You're almost all to me, yeah</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 0pt 0pt 9pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Yes, you are</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Now, baby, you're almost home now</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Please, don't quit now</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span face="Roboto,sans-serif" style="background-color: transparent; color: #202124; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">You're almost all to me, yeah</span></p><p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div> <p></p><p><br /></p></div></div>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-38358897425047243222023-04-08T08:18:00.003-05:002023-04-08T08:28:05.593-05:00Thoughts on Another Good Friday<p>Another Good Friday has come and gone. It has been eleven years since my world was turned upside down by the Cross, a symbol that I grew up with. While I always knew the stories and the verses, the Cross simply did not make sense to me. I get upset when things don't make sense. Well, that's perhaps an understatement. Nothing will disrupt me more than presenting me with something that I do not understand. It's why I don't like riddles or word problems, or practical jokes. There is something inside of me, a switch that gets flipped, when I am confused. </p><p>I couldn't reconcile my sin with the hope that the Cross offered. I had spent over seven years running from God. Not just running. I was up to my eyeballs in filth and darkness. I was rushing through life, mostly dead. Everything was clouded by despair and shame. Sin breaks God's heart because he knows how shame will take root in our minds and how that will separate us from Him. He knows that shame keeps us in the darkness. Shame keeps us from confession. Shame keeps us trapped in the shackles that have held us down for too long. </p><p>God understands that the shame sin produces in us will only keep us from him. He is a jealous God, and he loves us in ways we sometimes don't even know we deserved to be loved. And for no other reason than he is an artist and we are the work of his hand. He took time and skill and crafted each of us, from our heads to our toes, and everything in between. Our hearts were shaped and molded by perfect hands. We were filled with all of these good things, and God wants us to know him, so that he can show us all the wonderful ways in which he has created us. He has good things in store for us, but sin interferes with those gifts. Our shame keeps us from seeing who we truly are and what we were created for.</p><p>I'm the kind of person who is a skeptic, until I'm not. I was skeptical about the Cross and the love and freedom it offered. I knew all the right things. Not only was I raised in the church my entire life, but I also attended Bible college to learn more, and I have never not gone to church for a significant period of time. Church and God have always been a fixture in my life, even when I was actively running from God.</p><p>But knowing about God, studying God, it's not the same as actually connecting with God. For many years, I lived my life thinking I had to do the right things to please God. I had to go to church regularly, read my Bible, pray all the time, help the orphans and widows. In the worst years, I was going to church. That was it. And then when I started living a double life, hiding in sin, betraying my marriage vows, church wasn't going to be enough to assuage my guilt. I was participating in the godly things, without letting God close to my heart. And since I wasn't completing my list everyday of all the things that would make me holy and bring real peace, the amount of shame that engulfed me was overwhelming.</p><p>So, honestly, Grace came in and surprised me eleven years ago sitting in that counseling session, completely filled with grief and shame for all the evil things I had done. I was skeptical that God really loved me more than he hated the lies I had been perpetrating for years. I was doubtful that the Cross held enough grace and power for me, after what I had done. I could not understand why I didn't need to be punished for the magnitude of my sin. The counselor's words weren't fancy and they weren't revolutionary in many ways--but they were to me and to my heart in that moment. </p><p>God had been preparing me for that moment for who knows how long. He had been stripping away the lies, though I didn't realize it then. He was able to chip away just enough that I could hear these words: "What if, just for today, on Good Friday, you let Jesus take the punishment for your sin? Because he already did 2000 years ago." That was the pivotal moment for me. That was the moment that my skepticism turned to faith. That was the first time I truly believed that the Cross was a place of grace and forgiveness FOR ME. That the Cross came to do away with the punishment we deserved.</p><p>It's not a lie to say that my sins deserved punishment and death. But it is a lie to tell myself that Jesus can't love me after all I have done. Because we have a Cross that tells us otherwise. I deserved punishment and yet, Jesus loved me so much that he chose to step in and stand in my place. He took the punishment that should have been on my shoulders and he bore it all the way to Cross. And he nailed it to the Cross, where it remains. He ushered in grace in that moment, and my life has never been the same.</p><p>Do you know what changes skepticism? It's faith. It's taking a leap off of a cliff where you can't see the bottom and you don't know if you will actually land safely, and trusting that even though you can't see the bottom, you will be okay.</p><p>It took two months for me to come home to Jesus, after coming home to my husband, because he had a lot of work to do in my heart, to prepare it for the truth of the Cross. He had to chip away the shame and fear and lies that had been my constant companions. He had to diminish those lies just enough that I could see the glimmer of light on the horizon. And he did that through my husband patiently loving me and holding me while I grieved the life I had lived. He did that through songs that would come on, that I didn't fully embrace, but I was at least listening to. God was with me every step of the way, bringing me to that counseling appointment on Good Friday in 2012. He was orchestrating things behind the scenes, putting words into the counselor's heart and mind and then prompting the counselor to speak those words at the exact moment that God knew I would finally be able to hear him.</p><p>I didn't come into that counseling appointment less skeptical of the Cross. I came in terrified of it. When I say terrified, I don't even think that's a strong enough word for the fear that was welling up inside of me. All I could think was punishment. And I realized that day that I was ready to take the punishment. I honestly think that's why I was able to hear and finally understand. Because I was ready to be brave and face what I had coming to me. I had hurt a lot of people, deeply. I deserved punishment and I deserved to be held accountable for what I had been doing. I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did. God completely upended everything by loving me and showing me that the price for my sin had already been paid.</p><p>Listen, all God wants is a willing heart. He can handle the weight of what we have done. He is strong enough to carry our messes. He is filled with enough grace that he can see beyond all of that sin and into the heart of his creation. He can see all the things he created us for, and he is simply waiting for us to give him a chance to show us what he made us for. </p><p>God didn't create me to chase after love and affection in any place I think it resides. Those desires are still within me, and they are very real. I long to be loved and to be truly seen for who I am, even with the loudness and intensity of emotion I can often bring with me. And when God didn't line up with how I thought he should be, when he didn't play out in my life the way I expected him to, when he didn't protect me from the harm of others, I quietly erected a wall around myself and taught myself to believe that I didn't deserve anything but pain and death. </p><p>Jesus simply says come to me. </p><p>We don't find Jesus and the truth of the Cross through striving. </p><p>We find it through surrender. </p><p>Jesus said in Matthew 11:29-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."</p><p>Are you weary and burdened? There is a place of safety and rest you can drop your cares and just be loved and held. But God won't force himself upon us. He will simply wait. And when you find yourself as I was, burdened under the guilt and shame of everything you did to try to prove you didn't need God or that you didn't deserve God, Jesus tells us he wants to trade that heavy burden for one that is lighter and easier to carry. He doesn't say we won't have to bear pain and hard things in this world--but he does promise that if we bring those hard and painful things to him, he will take them and replace them with loads that we can actually carry. Because his yoke is easy and his burden is light.</p><p>When Jesus was on the Cross, he was placed between two criminals to die. The Romans had perfected crucifixion and this was a standard death sentence. So three men were crucified, and both of those criminals were impacted by what happened that day. One mocked. And one believed. And one ended up with a promise that he would be joining Jesus in paradise. That's the end game and I get excited thinking about this story in Luke 23:40-23, because I desire to be with Jesus in paradise. And if there was hope for that thief on the Cross that day, there is still hope for me and you today.</p><p>'But the other criminal protested, "Don't you fear God even when you have been sentenced to die? We deserve to die for our crimes, but this man hasn't done anything wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom." And Jesus replied, "I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise."'</p><p>Jesus, thank you for remembering me when you came into your Kingdom. Thank you for loving me and choosing me, in spite of all the ways I despised you and your Cross. Thank you for chasing after my heart and pursuing me, simply so that you could hold me and love me in ways I never thought I deserved.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/r2d3jP_-gNE" width="320" youtube-src-id="r2d3jP_-gNE"></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-58711626670084570012023-03-16T17:13:00.004-05:002023-03-16T17:18:03.410-05:00Swimming Around The Rock<p> I have felt depression laying its desperate fingers across my mind for weeks. Lately, as I try to make my way back to a sound mind, I have begun to feel more and more frantic. There has to be an end, a way out and I'm so desperate to NOT feel this way that I expend all my energy trying to chase after a sound mind, which I am learning is counter-intuitive. There's something about rest that I haven't quite learned yet, but I'm close to understanding and implementing in my life.<br /><br />God promises we are never left alone and he promises that when we draw near to him, He will draw near to us. </p><p>Do you know WHY God can promise that? Do you know why it's so easy for God to draw near to us, when we finally surrender our own will and draw near to him, instead of striving for the answers? BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY THERE! It isn't that God puts up a wall and stays WAY over on his side, and then when we finally draw near to him for comfort and refuge, he can come from far off to rescue us. I lived under that lie for most of my life, thinking that I could push God away, far from my heart and current situations. I had such a small understanding of who God was and the depth of love Jesus poured out on the cross that I believed I had some kind of power or ability to force God back onto "his side."</p><p>The reason it is so easy and God can draw near to us swiftly is because He never went anywhere. He has always been right by our side, just waiting for us to #1 SEE HIM and #2 be willing to show him all the dark places in our hearts and minds. He wants us to lift them up to him, like a child shows a drawing to a parent. He has the ability to look at the messes we make of our hearts as a loving parent looks at meaningless lines and scribbles on a page. </p><p>Maybe what we made is complete trash. Maybe our efforts to make a life worthy of Christ's sacrifice is a jumbled mess that doesn't make any sense. And yet still, God asks us to show him. Show him what we are hiding behind our back. To stop looking down in shame, and to look up - to him. To see his eyes. If you were to look into God's eyes, not expecting shame and condemnation, you would find all the things you have been searching for. His eyes are so full of love and pride for the wrecks we are. We are broken vessels, and God is the artist who created us. Beyond that, God finds delight that we even tried to make something to begin with and he draws us close for a hug and tells us how beautiful our creation is, for no other reason than because he believes it is true!</p><p>It is impossible for God, the creator and artist, to pile shame and guilt on us, his creation. That is the exact opposite of what Jesus' life was about. He lived and died to prove to us that our shame doesn't hold any weight in the eyes of God. He knew our tendency to let shame rule us, and so he put shame to death once and for all. And all these years later, so many of us still live as if shame has a place in our lives. We have misunderstood and mis-preached in our churches what the Cross was really about for too long. If we aren't preaching that the Cross brings freedom from the shame that shackles us, we are doing something wrong.</p><p>Today I was really feeling the heaviness cover my mind and body. As I was driving home from work, I was talking to God about this and was thinking about how it feels like I am swimming through a tangibly thick fog. My movements are slow and I'm not making much progress. And as I was pouring my heart out to God, the song Promises by Maverick City Music came on. And as I was contemplating this thickness I was swimming through, I heard these words:</p><p>I put my faith in Jesus</p><p>My anchor to the ground</p><p>He's my hope and firm foundation</p><p>He'll never let me down</p><p>The minute I heard them, the picture in my mind that I wasn't really certain I was seeing clarified. I saw this large rock in the middle of an ocean. The rock cannot move. It is fixed to the ground, anchoring itself in the midst of the wind and waves all around. It is immovable. And if it is my firm foundation, then what in the world am I doing, swimming around the rock, in fog I don't belong in???<br /><br />As soon as I realized it was my perspective that was off, the immediate thought was to let the guilt and shame for forgetting this crush down on me. But by the grace of God, I have been learning that shame doesn't have a place in my heart and I realized that what I really needed to do was to climb back up on the rock and just STOP. Stop striving. Stop trying to find the shore, as if the shore or the other side is somehow accessible by getting down from that Rock that is to be my firm foundation. If I stay on the rock, where the footing is solid, I don't get lost in the fog and the thickness. And I certainly don't have to try to swim through unknown and terrifying waters by myself. But if I get down off the rock, I position myself AWAY from God, who is a place of safety and peace and protection. </p><p>Hear me. The depression hasn't magically gone away, just because I realized that I had once again been trying to find a sound mind by STRIVING. But sometimes shifting perspective back to its proper place is what is needed. Sometimes stopping and just waiting for the wind and waves to die down is necessary. Maybe God isn't asking me to dive into the depths of the crazy in my mind and fight my way through to him. Maybe he's simply asking me to sit on the rock for however long it takes for that fog to pass. Because here's the thing about fog. It DOES lift. It DOES move away, leaving a clear path again.</p><p>And the crazy thing is that this Rock, this firm foundation, while fixed, moves through life with us. It is always right there beside us (underneath us if we are brave enough to stand on it), ready to be a place of safety and a place of rest. But God doesn't force us to climb back up on the rock and wait out the storm with him. He certainly wants us to, because like any good parent, he wants to protect us (from ourselves most of the time) and he wants us to be able to navigate from a place of safety. He understands that when we jump down into the ocean and try to swim through all the noise that we are moving away from him. </p><p>Sure, we might stay near the rock, practicing all the things we have learned in our lives of faith, and we might not be actively running into sin. But he wants us to understand that we don't have to get off of that foundation at all. We don't have to be in the thick muddy waters on our own. YES, we have to be IN THEM. That is life and it is hard. But we are never asked to walk it alone. We don't have to swim blindly through the fog. We won't get anywhere for our striving outside of God-in fact, we end up going in circles, never really making progress. And yet, if we get up on that rock and look out, while we may not see the path, we WILL see light on the horizon. There is HOPE out there, and we simply cannot see it while we are in the water, trying to swim through the fog. We HAVE to get back up on the rock if we want to see the hope that is on the horizon. And we have to wait there until the fog passes, so that we can then safely move through the waters again, clinging to the Rock that will never fail.<br /><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-64408432352672974642023-01-02T09:20:00.007-06:002023-01-02T09:20:50.610-06:00New Life in the New Year<p>For years I have watched at a distance while other people garden, anything from flowers to food for their tables. As a kid, we grew many things, including some fruit trees, grapes and strawberries. The strawberry patches are most memorable, because I hated picking strawberries all day in the heat of the summer. There were things to make it more palatable: the ability to pick and eat as many strawberries as I wanted on the job, and most rewarding, a pond to jump into when a refreshing swim was needed to cool off or break up the monotony.</p><p>As an adult, in our starter home, ONE year I threw some tomato and jalapeno seeds out on the side of the house. I didn't harvest anything, though I did manage to germinate them and get them going well, until the squirrels decided they liked it better if I stayed in my house where I belong, so they ate them. </p><p>When we moved to this new house, the prior owners left me with an entire garden to tend to and try not to kill. Most things made it to fall, but a few things were trampled by the dogs and lack of consistent watering through the summer while the house sat empty. I lost a Chinese peony to the dogs trampling the flower beds, but I am hopeful it will come back in the spring. Regardless, those plants gave me a crash course in gardening. I had to learn some things, because I suddenly had all these extra living creatures to care for the minute we moved in. I'm most proud of my Brazilian Jasmine, which stayed strong and continued up the vine into fall. I did a rough experiment, and did NOT winterize it, because I want to see what all comes back in the garden with little to no effort on my part. I like the idea of gardening, but I have learned myself well, and I know that if it takes too much day-to-day care, I am more likely to kill it. I can garden and I can keep things alive - but they have to do their part too, by trying not to die. It's an agreement I make with the plant--I will try to keep you alive and you will try not to die. There is harmony when everything in the garden plays by the rules.</p><p>But now, I have upgraded my gardening game. If I had seen this system on my own, I would have thought, "wow that's really cool but I probably can't buy something like that for another decade or so." But my husband. You guys, this man loves me well. Not just because he gives me nice things, though he does. But because he looks for ways to make my heart happy. His gifts always have thought and love behind them, and when he hits the ball, it is usually straight out of the gift-giving park.</p><p>I don't usually like being outside in the elements (rain, snow, COLD, extreme heat). I am so thankful I live in an area where we have a more normal four seasons because I need the break in between seasons. It would be too much I think to live somewhere it is always hot or always cold. At least in the Midwest you get a fair variety of things. So while I love the idea of gardening, once the temps outside become unbearable (which to me is usually below 30 or above 85 degrees), I will become inconsistent with my care. I have loved having house plants to tend to these last 3 months, because I can keep them alive without worrying about the conditions outside.</p><p>Enter my new toy, the Gardyn, that Kris surprised me with for Christmas. He doesn't always spend extravagantly, but when he does, it is usually on me. Look, he married a woman who likes nice things and who is drawn to things that are shiny and cool. And my husband is a gadget guy, who loves to do research and get the best deal, while also benefiting from said gadget. It's a win-win for me, really. I get to be spoiled, and he gets to try out new tech-y toys.</p><p>So, we got the Gardyn set up on 12/28, and then were promptly without internet for another 24 hours. I reset my sow date to 12/29, once the Wifi was back up and running consistently, and the Gardyn system used its built in hydroponics to begin watering my babies on a schedule. The Gardyn came with 30 pods: </p><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">GREENS</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Arugula x 2</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Breen</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Butterhead</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Endive Lettuce</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Green Mustard</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Kale</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Kale Lacinato</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Lollo Rossa</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Monte Carlo</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Red Sails x 2</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Red Mustard</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Romaine</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Rouge D’hiver</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Swiss Chard</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Tatsoi x 2</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">HERBS</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Basil</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Cilantro</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Italian Parsely</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Mint</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Oregano</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Rosemary</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Thai Basil</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Thyme</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">FRUITS</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Cherry Tomatoes</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Jalapeno</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Mini Eggplant</span></div></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant-ligatures: none; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Sweet Peppers</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">I didn't start the green mustard, either kale variety (NEVER), or the extra Red Sails, Tatsoi and Arugula. In just 4-5 days, I have some clear winners. Leading the charge were Tatsoi (it was the very first sprout and within 4 hours had doubled in size), Rouge D'hiver, Arugula, Red Sails Lettuce, and Monte Carlo. The others are slower, and some take 10-14 days to sprout. So it's early, and I need to move them around now that I found a chart showing where it's best to place each thing in the Gardyn.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">So what does this have to do with anything?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Well, I started the Gardyn on 12/29, and woke up to a brand new year yesterday with my first sprout. I had been watching the plants, several times a day making excuses to go check on them. I would talk to them, like any crazy plant person, and encourage them to grow. It shocked me, and at the same time didn't, that as the new year dawned, new life was beginning in my Gardyn. </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">It was not lost on me, this literal picture of new life. I couldn't shake this thought of New Life as I got ready for church. The music and sermon were on point, and continued to echo this idea of New Life as this new year stretches out before us. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The old dead things will be cast off. I open myself up to be pruned and shaped this year. As I cultivate and harvest and tend to my garden throughout 2023, I am making an agreement with God. I choose to let him, the ultimate Gardener, have control over my thoughts, my mind, my life. I learned a lot about myself in 2022, and one of the biggest lessons is that it's past time to let the roots be trimmed back so that I can grow fuller and healthier. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I've done a crash course in gardening over the last week, reading, studying, ensuring that I feel confident in managing the Gardyn. I have seen pictures of roots that get out of control and take over the entire system, and I immediately drew the connection between the unhealthy things in my life. <span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">There are habits and thought processes that don't belong. There are lies that have been my companions and sounding board for decades. And starting therapy last year identified several areas where I need pruning. The roots of negative thinking have grown strong and thick and deep, and have woven themselves around places in my life they do not belong. The goodness in my heart is often trying to fight against external distractions. If I don't tend to that goodness, that kindness, that tenderness, the roots will be damaged, and that will bring darkness and disease to my entire being. Little by little, sickness can creep in, if allowed, and affect everything around it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">This Gardyn, like my soul, will need constant tending to. If I just let it go and let it do its thing, it will do what it thinks is best, and honestly, I will get a harvest of something. On its own, while my Gardyn could possibly yield a bountiful harvest, it is not lost on me that by lovingly and consistently tending to the plants, I can help them thrive. If you have ever tried to keep anything alive (plant or child), you know that it requires a great deal of time and effort. You get out what you put in. So if I spend time cleaning the system, trimming the roots, cutting back places that are overgrown, giving extra help to areas not getting enough light, the results will be greater than if I just sit back and watch what happens.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">We have a responsibility to take an active role in leading our thoughts and minds. We have the power to control how we think, which in turn will control how we react to the stresses in our life. I am just now scratching the surface of this. We COULD sit back and let the lies and darkness run amok in our lives. Or we could take the reins and refuse to be guided by things that do nothing but make us miserable. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I am the master of my Gardyn. I have final say in what I grow, where the plants are placed, and how much extra care they are given. It is up to me to do what is best for the Gardyn. To use the system as it was designed, but to give it the loving care the plants need to thrive. The same is true with my mind and my soul. It is up to me to grow. I can stay where I am, watching the world pass me by, watching others grow and thrive. I can wish for what they have as I watch them. But that will not move me forward. There is work I have to do to get the life that I want. To be healthy, I have to do the hard work to prune away the unhealthy, negative ways I have always allowed myself to think and live under.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">This will be an interesting year as I look at my life through the Gardyn. There will be ups and downs. There will be plants that will require more time and attention. There will be plants, very likely, that will create disruption and anxiety for me. They will frustrate me and make me want to give up. Does that sound like life to anyone else?
<br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">But just like I am doing with therapy, I will press on. I will keep tending to and pruning, and giving time and attention to my Gardyn, and to my soul. It is not a one time thing. It will have to be an EVERY day effort. People who win prizes for gardening are not the ones who sit back and do nothing. They are the ones who get their hands dirty. Who devote their time to studying what's in the garden, and then using whatever tools are needed to keep the plants as healthy as possible. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The very second contaminates enter into your garden, your job gets harder. And if you don't stay on top of it, it will get out of control and when left unchecked, the darkness and disease will take over the entire system. Sin and unhealthy patterns of thinking do the exact same thing in our hearts and souls. They will destroy us, if left unchecked. I have lived this firsthand. I have watched a beautiful garden grow sick and dark and deadly. Even if a plant dies, it will wreak havoc on a healthy garden, especially if you do not remove it immediately. The only way to heal a sick garden is to completely eradicate the disease and death. Sometimes it will require complete disassembly and intense cleaning before it can be put back together. But the beauty is that no amount of death and decay is too much. The Master Gardener is capable of taking death and decay and breathing new life into it. New blooms can grow from dead ground when God is involved. He can take broken, hardened ground (and hearts) and he can breathe his gentle breath and everything touched by it will be changed. New life will spring up, because God tells it to. Because God cannot abide in death and darkness. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Aren't you tired of living under the weight of guilt and shame or fear and darkness? Isn't it time to try something new? Yes it's hard. Yes it is scary. But look at the end result of a well-tended garden. Beauty and life and new growth abound. And when that happens, it literally cleans the air of toxins. Don't you want to breathe fresh air through lungs that are no longer choked out by the lies of the world? Think about how freeing it would feel to believe that YOU can change and start a new groove for your life. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm not a big fan of new years resolutions. I think we make them too complicated. I likely will not lose 50 pounds this year, because I can tell you right now, I probably won't even try. I spent a lot of new years already feeling like a failure. There can be a lot of guilt and shame associated with the new year, especially if you grew up thinking you HAD to choose something to be better at in the new year. It was a "thing" to make a new year resolution-it is still a thing. I think in trying to "be better" in the new year, we lost sight of what the new year is about. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">It's not about setting you up for failure. It's a chance to renew your hope. It's a chance to start over. It doesn't mean you HAVE to do something grand with 2023. The new year should give us hope, not fill us with terror. It should remind us that whatever happened in the past year, that year is over and done with. Maybe the year was filled with misery and grief for you. 2023 is a sign of hope, that maybe the pain will lighten a bit and things will seem less impossible in the coming year. Maybe the year was an amazing year, and 2023 is a chance for you to cling to the joys that 2022 brought, because you may need those reminders in the coming year. I don't know what 2023 holds for you or for me. But I know that as I sit at the start of the year, my only goal is to keep pruning the garden of my soul and to keep making more room for Jesus - because what he can grow is going to be so much better than anything I can create on my own.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xiu6hbz0iDk" width="320" youtube-src-id="Xiu6hbz0iDk"></iframe></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>You Keep Hope Alive</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Days may be darkest</span></div><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">But Your light is greater</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You light our way</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">God, You light our way</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">When evil is rising</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You're rising higher</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">With power to save</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">With power to save</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">From the beginning to end</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Your word never fails</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Because You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Jesus, You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Death had a stronghold</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">But Your life was stronger</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Rose from the grave</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Rose up from the grave</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">When evil is rising</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You're rising higher</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">With power to save</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">With power to save</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">From the beginning to end</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Your word never fails</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Because You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Jesus, You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">There's hope in the morning</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope in the evening</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope because You're living</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope because You're breathing</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">There's hope in the breaking</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope in the sorrow</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope for this moment</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">My hope for tomorrow</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">There's hope in the morning</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope in the evening</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope because You're living</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope because You're breathing</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">There's hope in the breaking</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope in the sorrow</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Hope for this moment</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">My hope for tomorrow</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">From the beginning to end</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Your word never fails</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Because You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Jesus, You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">From the beginning to end</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Your word never fails</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Because You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Jesus, You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">There is hope</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Your word never ever fails</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">Jesus, You are alive</span></div></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">You keep hope alive</span></div></span></div></span>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-33109857933059226612022-12-13T11:22:00.004-06:002022-12-13T11:23:52.369-06:00What Are You Waiting For? Just Let It Go<p>Today I finished the yearly watch-thru of The Lord of the Rings. I was struck by the scene at the end, when Frodo is standing at the edge, ring in hand. He has come so far. His journey was filled will trials, pain and tremendous grief. He FINALLY made it up the mountain, and is positioned to finally throw the ring into the fires of Mordor. It is what the entire series had been building to. It was Frodo's purpose, and ultimately, the ring was his reason for leaving the shire. He knew his mission, and though he stumbled along the way, he stayed focused (with the help of Samwise Gamgee) and he kept going, though the way became increasingly more difficult. And now, he has made it to the end. </p><p>It should be simple, right? </p><p>Take the ring and throw it in. </p><p>And yet, Frodo hesitates.</p><p>He knows that the ring is evil and brings ruin to all who carry it. He knows that he must destroy it-the fate of the world depends on it. But as evil does, it twists and tempts and can confuse and corrupt even the purest of hearts. In some ways, Frodo, carrying the ring to Mordor, has become attached to the ring. Though he knows the perils it brings, he feels a certain draw or kinship with the ring. He has worn the ring, and he knows the ring. Every time Frodo put the ring on, it was to hide, or to feel safe. The ring brought a certain sense of safety, and when it came time to give it up, he hesitated.</p><p>We are like that with our addictions and sins, aren't we? We can look at it and know it is wrong, and yet we still feel a draw to it. I saw an addict in Frodo's face in this scene and it broke my heart.</p><p>Sam, having seen what the ring had done to Frodo, how it has stripped him of everything that makes him human (much like addiction), weeps while asking, "What are you waiting for? Just let it go."</p><p>Read that again.</p><p>"What are you waiting for? Just let it go."</p><p>Frodo stands there for a long moment, thinking. And then he turns around, having made his choice, and he declares, "The ring is mine." He puts the ring on and disappears, and Sam is left alone, utterly devastated.</p><p>Having traveled all the way to the end, ready to throw the ring into the fires of Mordor, Frodo decides it's too precious to him to actually give it up. He gives himself over to his desire for the ring above all else.</p><p>I find myself incredibly disappointed in Frodo. How could he have come so far, just to run right back to the very thing that was destroying him? It's easy to watch that and think, "You idiot! You were right there at the edge of victory. Why would you give it all up now?"</p><p>My heart sinks watching his face and hearing him choose the ring over freedom (for himself and those he loved). It's the same way I have been disappointed every time my husband has used pornography to act out. The same way I am disappointed when I see one of my kids choose a path that will cause them pain. The same way I am disappointed in myself when I go back to the same toxic ways of thinking that have always ruled my life. It is a disappointment filled with heartbreak. Because in each of those scenarios, I can SEE that there is a better way. </p><p>Frodo found out as soon as he left the shire that life is incredibly difficult. The same is true for us. Life will put things in your path that you didn't expect, and that you certainly didn't ask for or want. You will experience pain and sorrow and be hurt in ways you never imagined possible. You may make it almost to the very end, and find yourself hopeless and ready to give up. </p><p>Don't let the pain and confusion and evil all around you destroy your spirit and what you know to be true. Don't give up. Do not lose heart.</p><p>Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18</p><p>Do you know what I love about this? Even though Frodo chose himself and chose selfishness in that moment where victory was certain, he was given another chance to make it right. He was provided one more opportunity to do the right thing. Gollum bites Frodo's finger off and Frodo is finally free of the burden of the ring. Once the ring is removed from him, Frodo comes to his senses and his desire to destroy the ring is once more stirred up. He risks his very life for one last confrontation with Gollum where they both go over the edge, and Gollum falls, and the ring is destroyed, once and for all. So even though he made it to the end and chose poorly, he was given one more shot at victory.</p><p>This is one of my favorite things about God. No matter how many times we stand at the precipice of freedom, ready to throw our chains into the fires, and then we turn away and go back to the safety of our sins or addictions or fears, God says, "Try again. Get up and fight. You can still have victory." </p><p>I mean, he gave up his son, who didn't have to come to this broken world, to show us that victory is within our reach. To give us chance after chance after chance. I don't know about you, but that alone is a reason to hold firmly to hope. No one but God forgives with such unwavering grace and mercy and love. We will not always do it right the first time. We will make mistakes and we will hurt people. But we don't have to live under the weight of shame and condemnation. We are offered a second chance. And then another. And another. And hopefully, one day you will stand at the edge of victory and instead of holding onto that "ring," you will throw it into the flames and be free of it once and for all.</p><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-31992832203292419882022-12-08T16:28:00.003-06:002022-12-08T16:28:22.358-06:00Come and Claim Him<p>There are many reasons to love the Lord of the Rings (books or movies-I'm not picky). I turn the movies on at least once a year, because they take me on an entire journey, mentally and emotionally. I have always loved one part in particular, though I have never understood why until this week.</p><p>There is this scene in the book where the elf Glorfindel has to help Frodo and his friends across the Ford of Bruinen to get to Rivendell. In the movies, they placed this task on Arwen, and we find her at the banks of the ford, a dying Frodo laid across her horse, as the Nine Riders pursue them relentlessly. When all seems lost, with courage in her posture and ready to give her life for this mission, Arwen looks at them and says fiercely, "If you want him, come and claim him."</p><p>As the riders rush into the water to try to get to Frodo, Arwen calls on the power of the elves and the waters rise, rushing upon the Nine Riders, giving Arwen time to escape and deliver Frodo for healing to the land of Rivendell.</p><p>"If you want him, come and claim him."</p><p>Those?</p><p>Those are fighting words.</p><p>I connect with them because, as it turns out, I am a fighter.</p><p>I resisted claiming this title for myself for a long time, feeling like it meant I thought more highly of myself than I should. But the truth of the matter is that I am fighter. There is a resiliency in me that until this year, I didn't really understand that I possessed. It isn't anything that I have, dependent on myself. It is something that comes because I TRUST Jesus. I believe what the Bible says about him. I have faith that I will be rescued, even if it doesn't look the way I might want it to.</p><p>And I find this challenge of "come and claim him" to be incredibly encouraging.</p><p>I am under constant attack from the arrows of the enemy. An enemy who seeks to steal, kill and destroy. That enemy is running rampant in our world and entangled up in our lives. We have a Savior, a commander who leads us and guides us through the enemy's territory. </p><p>This world?<br /></p><p>It's not as God intends it to be. The garden of Eden is what He intended. But he didn't want us to be robots, forced to follow him simply because we have to. He made us, special and set apart from all other creation, with a mind that is capable of knowing Him. Our brains, able to think and choose and decide for ourselves set us apart from animals and other living things. God wanted someone who would choose him because of who He is.</p><p>So, he gives us a mind unlike any other, and with it comes the power to hurt or heal (ourselves or others). And throughout our lives, it delights God when we seek after him. When we bring our joy and sorrow alike to him. When we acknowledge that we are nothing, specks of dust in the grand scheme of things. And yet, he loves us immensely, more than we can even put into words or fathom. It makes NO sense. I know it doesn't make sense. That doesn't mean it isn't true. </p><p>So, when I watch the Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring) and I see and hear Arwen say, "If you want him, come and claim him." that feels like the gauntlet is being thrown down and I can't help but get excited and want to join her in that fight.</p><p>It is not lost on me that Jesus is Arwen for us here. His blood covers us and when the enemy comes calling, and he will, Jesus steps in, his grace and mercy speaking for us, and he says to the devil, "If you want him, come and claim him."</p><p>And THEN, when the enemy pursues, God shows up. His waters rush in and are too powerful for the enemy. We are covered by his blood, by his grace, and nothing the enemy can do to us can extinguish that. We are covered. It gives me chills to think about this scene and how Jesus has stood at the fords of my deepest pain and shame and told the devil that if he wants me, he has to come and claim me from the grasp of God himself! Which God has proven over and over again the devil is simply incapable of doing. This keeps hope alive, even in the darker times.</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-2580106366434432342022-11-21T21:20:00.003-06:002022-11-21T21:21:48.629-06:00It's Not About The Lights<p>One minute you're putting up Christmas decorations (not the tree...not before Thanksgiving of course!!), and the next, you're a weeping bundle of emotion, devastated because your husband is less than enthusiastic about the fireplace decorations that made your heart happy. Is he a jerk? Is he insensitive? Is he rude?</p><p>Of course not. </p><p>Does he care about Christmas decorations? No. </p><p>Does he have any issues with ME putting up decorations? No. </p><p>And yet, the look on his face when I asked him if he saw the lights, and then the subsequent comment of "....um...they're lights..." utterly broke my heart.</p><p>Why? Because it wasn't about the lights or the Christmas decorations. And bless his heart, my husband listened when God urged him to ask me if there was something else going on outside of the lights that was upsetting me. Because unbeknownst to my sweet husband, about an hour before the misunderstanding over the lights I was crying in the bathtub (my usual spot for self-reflection and weeping...of course...). Because I had allowed some things that hurt my heart to kind of speak some lies to my heart.</p><p>I'm struggling to find my place. </p><p>In life. </p><p>At work.</p><p>As a mom. </p><p>As a member at a new church. </p><p>I feel disconnected. I have tried to embrace female friendships and put myself out there. It is terrifying and after months of pushing into this, I'm a little tired, and feeling like I'm not really connecting with anyone in the same way I see my husband doing. And I found myself wondering tonight if I have any value.</p><p>It's the same lie that has chased me my entire life. That I don't matter. That I don't have anything to offer. That if something bad were to happen, I would be alone. I don't even believe it as I type that. And yet, my heart was so heavy tonight with the lies, with the accusations. Even as I could reason that it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, that what God has called me to (to SEE people and to LOVE people just as they are RIGHT NOW) is the ONLY thing that matters.</p><p>Here's the thing: insecurity creeps in ALL THE TIME. It is like a constant war in my mind. The same old lies come calling, and there is this tension because I can sense that they are lies, and yet they FEEL and SOUND so real, because I have always just accepted them as true. Now that I am working hard to become stronger and heal and stop carrying my past shame and guilt around with me, I am increasingly aware of just HOW MANY lies took up home in my heart and mind. Unlearning decades of lies, sorting through them, weighing them against the truth about who God says I am...it's all a bit confusing and sometimes it gets jumbled.</p><p>And sometimes I just get sad. I used to want to rush past it and get back to "not sad" as quickly as possible. These days, I'm learning to just sit in the sadness. To just feel it. To face what I am feeling, to confront and call out the lies, and speak the truth to my heart, even if I can't muster belief in the moment. To change the structure of my brain by choosing to make a new groove. It's OK that I feel sad. It's okay that all I want to do tonight is lay here and cry. It's OK, because what started out as me feeling utterly alone has brought me to this place of turning to Jesus. Of crying out to the one who knows my pain, who sees my tears, and who longs to hold me until the tears stop and my body stills, and then keeps holding onto me. </p><p>I can't even look at this place I am in right now and wish it away. There is a certain beauty to understanding myself in new ways, and giving myself a little extra grace on the days where I am struggling to love myself. The enemy is whispering lies in my mind, and yet through all the chaos and confusion, I hear God singing over me. It's good to be so loved.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/jrwSvQx3Xqs" width="320" youtube-src-id="jrwSvQx3Xqs"></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-37037327998846031412022-11-15T12:53:00.002-06:002022-11-15T12:53:41.003-06:00A Tale of Two Houses<p>In 2003, Kris and I bought our first home in Hazelwood, MO. We had two toddlers and a brand new baby, and were desperately in need of a bigger place. It was move-in ready and was purchased in a rush by two kids barely out of their teens, who didn't know the first thing about owning a home. It looked nice, and that mattered to me. We didn't have to do any work to get it ready and we wasted no time settling in. Perhaps had life been different, that home would have held different memories for me. But within a year of moving into that home, I was knee deep in a 7.5 year on again/off again affair--all the while, my husband was battling a relentless addiction to pornography. We had three babies, essentially, and I don't even remember much about those early years in that house. I just know that when I look at a calendar, we moved into that house just over a year before my affair began. So essentially, my entire affair occurred under that roof and my memories in the home became entangled.</p><p>It should make sense then that I have a lot of negative memories associated with the old house. There isn't a single room in that home that wasn't touched in some way by the choices that Kris and I made in those early years of our marriage. It became increasingly more painful to stay there after the affair ended, because we carry such deep connections to our memories.</p><p>I am just now learning about memories we make as babies and trauma that our bodies experience in infancy and how that impacts us as adults. We don't carry memories in our brains as babies--our infant memories are stored in our physical body, and if my therapist (and other researchers) are right, then part of my issue with chronic pain may be tied to memories I made in my body as a baby, and trauma that I experienced, before my brain could make mental memories. </p><p>So in light of that, it stands to reason that my memories of things I said and did in that home that spit in the face of my marriage and the vow I took would be a factor in my views of the old house. It always felt dark to me. There wasn't a lot of natural light at all, and it was difficult to even light up the living room, as there wasn't a way to have any kind of overhead lighting. We relied on floor lamps, which never quite give you the same light quality, and I never could make it look as bright as I wanted it to be.<br /><br />As a baby, I wasn't safe physically or emotionally, and I learned how to hold pain in my body. I mistakenly taught myself a long, long time ago that NOTHING is safe. Any kind of pain, mental or physical, mild or severe, will be treated the same way by my body--it will lock it in, fortify it, and make the breakthrough that much more elusive. The more you dig into something, the deeper the groove becomes, until you respond the same way without even having to think about it. It can be incredibly difficult to dig a new groove in the opposite direction. Not impossible, but difficult.<br /><br />While we are discussing it in therpay, I am not simply unlearning how I processed the affair (both in and out of my body)--I have to go back further, dig into painful memories from my childhood and deal with those first. And THEN maybe I can find my way to peace that isn't easily swayed by what my body THINKS is happening. Many times, my brain and body are already trying to dig their way out of flight mode before I can even think rationally about a situation - big or small. I have learned the wrong way to deal with any potential threat, and it has led to a lifetime of responding to danger (or a lack thereof) with the same panicked response, regardless of whether the danger is real or simply perceived.</p><p>It does seem highly suspect to me that my issues with chronic pain didn't begin until AFTER the affair did. We haven't talked about it too much in therapy yet, but I know we will address it at some point, as I can pinpoint WHEN the pain began in earnest, and it lines up exactly with when I began to separate myself from my heart. While I had bouts of depression prior to 2004, my fear and anxiety skyrocketed and over the next nearly 8 years, I reinforced the need to hold pain inside my body. I already knew how to do it, because I had been doing it naturally since I was a baby. But in 2004, I began in earnest to hide all of it. And it all stayed hidden inside my body, and inside my mind. </p><p>One therapist told me early on that if I didn't end the affair it would kill me emotionally. That has stayed with me and as I look back at the deterioration of my soul and mental health, she was right. That was the only thing she was right in, as she also gave me very unwise, ungodly counsel at the time. The affair and how it affected me emotionally literally was my undoing, in so many ways.</p><p>But sometimes, we have to come completely unraveled before God can pick up the pieces and redesign them to be everything he wanted. A lot of times we make our own messes. Sometimes life gives us things we can't control that we would never wish for. And there are other times where we sit in graves we have dug, and we need someone else to come in and breathe life back in where we let sin or fear or confusion choke it out.<br /><br />God was already bringing light and life back to my heart while we lived in our old home and I am forever grateful for that. The old house is where God tore down the walls Kris and I had put up to keep each other out, and the old house is where God restored our marriage. God certainly shone brightly into the darkness there and sustained me until he was ready for me to move out of the old house.</p><p>When He knew we were ready, God brought us to a home that is quite literally full of light. There is an addition in the home called the sunroom if the alarm system they left is to be believed. We just call it the family room. But it isn't just that room. There are windows EVERYWHERE. There is so much light in this home, and more than that, the prior owner was an electrician and so there are a billion lights and switches, and we still haven't figured out what all of them do yet! There are a ridiculous amount of lights here, and it just makes me smile thinking about how ridiculously full of light God is!</p><p>For years after the affair ended, I hated being in that old house. Once I understood that it was all the painful memories that I created there, God gave me just enough peace and contentment to keep me patient while we waited for this home to be ready for us. It was still hard to walk in certain rooms and know what I had done and to know how much a part of my home this other person was, but God did a miracle in my heart that allowed me to live with my memories without them taking up too much room in my heart and mind. It was put on the back burner, and it was something only God could have done.</p><p>And now that I am out of there and in this new home filled with so much beauty inside and out, and I look back at the other house, I see where God has brought me. Truly from darkness to light. First, he worked in my heart and soul and poured light in until I was bursting with it. And now, literally in my home itself, God has redeemed and restored what the locusts had eaten. Our home was never a safe place for us or for our marriage. But we have another home and a second chance for this home to be what God intends it to be.</p><p>He has given me a house of light, in exchange for the one I clothed in darkness.</p><p>He has given me bright, open windows (and peace in my soul) where there used to be gloom and clouds and regret.</p><p>He has put me in a place that LOOKS like the country, feels like the county, smells like the country, IN THE CITY, only minutes from the old house.</p><p>He has given our oldest two daughters and our son-in-law a place to call home (in the old house) and given us a place for our adult kids and eventually grandkids, a respite from the craziness and busy-ness of their lives.</p><p>He has taken a home that was used for evil and given us space to invite people in for a meal or fellowship or prayer.</p><p>He has taken two weary hearts who fought hard to stay together and keep fighting to make their home a safe place from a house of darkness and placed them in a house of light, and every day reminds them how loved they are.</p><p>There isn't a day that I don't walk through this house or see a room from a different angle and think, THANK YOU GOD! Every day in this home is an absolute joy, And it isn't because bad things suddenly stopped happening. I am still wrestling with knowing that my husband's addiction reared its ugly head again two months ago. I am in therapy trying to deal with traumas I didn't know I even had, from being adopted as a baby. Life is hard and my kids are going through things. There are marriages crumbling all around me, that I thought would never fall, and there are so many situations where I can't see the way through. But God sees. God knows how to bring peace to those going through the worst or hardest fights of their lives. But he always gives us a choice, doesn't he? It's up to us - he just asks us to believe that what he said is true. The same God who carved a pathway through the Red Sea so his people could flee to safety is still true today and still longs to make a pathway where there seems to be no way for whatever you are going through.</p><p>Life isn't beautiful because bad things stopped happening in this amazing blessing of a home. Life is beautiful because I know where my hope is. Life is beautiful because God who gives good gifts to those who love him. This world is not my home, and as much as I love this new oasis, this house is not my home. But if this house and the joys we have already experienced here in the last two months are ANY indication of the home to come...well, it's hard not to get excited about that!</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-42142877177159583522022-09-15T06:13:00.001-05:002022-09-15T06:21:30.359-05:00The Year So Many Things Changed...<p> This has probably been the most disruptive year I can remember since 2012. It isn't all bad. There has been so much good, so much blessing, and so much grace. There has also been a lot of pain, of every kind: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. And yet, even in all of that pain, there has also been tremendous grace, mercy, peace, and comfort.</p><p>2022 is a year of change for us.</p><p>Our son moved to Columbia, MO last year and so this year, we have had to learn how to manage our children being in multiple locations. We have had to learn to love on our son from afar. And he has not been free from the pain and change--it has been an extremely difficult year for him, especially on them mental health front. As a parent, as a mother, it cuts deep when you cannot be there to protect and comfort and love on your kids. So I have had to learn to love him in different ways, and try to show up for him from in genuine and tangible ways, when we can't physically be there. And yet, in this, I have never been closer to my son. I have watched Kris pursue his son this year with passion and purpose and this has been essential in our son continuing to learn that we love him NO MATTER WHAT. What a blessing it has been to both see this relationship between them develop and grow, but to also see my own relationship with my son, once so tumultuous and difficult become something so beautiful. It has been healing my heart in so many ways and my son and I share a closeness and a bond and a connection I honestly never imagined possible just 3 years ago. It brings me to tears whenever I think about it.</p><p>Kris attended an intensive retreat back in February, and that has brought its share of changes. All of them good. For him and for us. God has been preparing him to lead our family in new ways, to new horizons. I have watched my husband dig in deep to things he has never been willing to face, let alone enter into the pain of. He has taken step after step to heal in deeper ways and I have had the joy of watching it happen. My husband is a good, GOOD man. When I say that, he's that guy that people describe as a GOOD man. How I was lucky enough to spend my life with a GOOD man baffles me. </p><p>I have also seen the enemy attack, and been devastated in ways I didn't think I could be again. Because GOOD men are still imperfect men. GOOD men still cause you pain. GOOD men still misstep and GOOD men fail and disappoint you. </p><p>But do you know what else a GOOD man who loves God and is growing also does? </p><p>He gets up. </p><p>He dusts himself off. </p><p>He picks up his sword and he chases after God all over again. </p><p>He comes to the person he loves and he is honest, even though he knows it will break her heart. He doesn't try to hide. He faces it and he apologizes. And he doesn't just apologize. He comes to you, completely broken and humbled and telling you that he has not given up the fight. He will stand and he will fight. And he will repair (with God's help) the damage he has done. And beyond that, a GOOD man sits with you in your pain. He holds you through day after day of panic attacks, even if your body won't stop trembling for hours and his back is out. He bears up under the shortness and frustration and tense moments and words right now because it is his job to bring healing to the relationship. And though right now, my equilibrium is off, my GOOD man has stepped up in ways I have never seen and I KNOW that I am safe with him. So I will hold onto that truth until I finally FEEL safe again. I am a fighter, and I know what I have and what I want. I know what I almost threw away and I have watched God do miracle after miracle in both of our hearts and our marriage these last 10 years. So I know that I can trust that God will bring all the hope and healing and comfort and peace as we walk down this path and navigate these difficult conversations.</p><p>I have not been without missteps myself. At the beginning of summer, I found myself suddenly in the midst of extreme temptation. The devil kept trying to pull me back into old habits and old ways to soothe my hurting heart, long before Kris stumbled. But for the grace of God, I surely would have fallen back into old patterns. When I saw it happening, I was so desperate to NOT go back there because it was so incredibly difficult to recover from and I knew it wasn't what I really wanted or needed. So I brought my burden to Kris, and it caused him pain to know that I was struggling with wanting attention, but we worked our way through that. </p><p>The enemy is real and fighting hard to destroy what God has not only ordained, but fully restored and healed. And this has all also happened to me during a year of extreme spiritual growth. And not just spiritual. I began Pain Reprocessing Therapy and have 7 weeks under my belt. It has been some of the most difficult work I have done in my life. Dealing with my dead marriage in 2012 somehow felt easier than what I am walking through right now, perhaps because I wasn't trying to unpack 43 years of pent up ways of living my life, trapped with the frightened heart of a little girl. And while Kris is right beside me through it, he isn't able to soothe the heart of that little girl. He can't repair what is broken in her heart and mind. I have to do that. And so while I am not alone, I have to do the work myself, and I have to dig in to things I don't want to look at: specifically something that came up in therapy this week--I don't like that little girl. And so that's probably the place to start, and it is likely a road on path to freedom from the neuroplastic pain that my body keeps locked up inside of it. So I will dive in and I will fight for a sound mind and a body that knows how to properly interpret pain.</p><p>Beyond that, we have been waiting for two years to be a part of a new church plant we heard was in the works. Covid put plans for that on hold and it has taken a while to finally get up and running. But here we are, just 4 days away from the launch of The House in Ferguson, MO. Kris and I feel so blessed to be a part of what God is doing in the community of Ferguson. There is so much pain there and so much healing that is needed on so many fronts. The House will be a place for the broken and the lonely to find a family. It is a place to come HOME, no matter where you have been or how far or long you have run. And it is place where those who have only known broken homes will start to understand what family really is. </p><p>It is terrifying and exciting in equal measure. I know God wants to use us, individually and as a couple, and that our story can bring hope to others who are drowning. So we stand ready for this change and it has not been lost on us how the enemy will ramp up his attacks. And believe me, he has definitely increased the intensity with which he tries to entice us back to sin.</p><p>And if that wasn't enough, we decided to throw a move into the mix. We began earnestly saving money to finally move out of our little starter home that we raised our family in. When we finally saved enough for our down payment and closing costs, we began the house hunt. We didn't know how many houses we would look at or how long the process would take. I was scared, of course, not knowing how to wait. But God had been preparing me all summer to just sit down and wait. He showed me he was right there with me in the waiting. And as I tried to walk forward in faith and obedience in that through this process, he showed up and moved quickly. We had already looked at 5 or 6 houses. Each one had tiny little elements that showed me that God loved me, but none were the right house. </p><p>One Thursday, possibly exactly one month ago (give or take ONE week), we looked at a house. It had the "bones" of what we wanted, but it didn't have main level laundry and it didn't have a kitchen that would have worked for me without fully rehabbing it up front. But it had a pool, which has become less about want and more about need over the last few years with my spine and my mental health. We began to imagine ourselves in this home and talked about putting an offer in. </p><p>And then the crazy stuff started happening (thanks a lot, Lindi!).</p><p>Within an hour and a half of looking at that house, my friend sent me a link to a different house she had found and jokingly asked if I had an extra $25,000. We did not have any extra, let alone THAT much! The house we had just looked at would have put us at the highest end of our budget with rehabbing the kitchen. But I looked at 3 pictures and then immediately took my phone to Kris' office at work and said LOOK. We looked at the pictures together, and I said I wanted it, even without a pool. He was like but look--there IS a pool. Wait what?!? It's this beatuiful AND it has a pool? And that pool is 20 times better than the pool I just looked at? Kris surprised me by saying he loved the house, and he immediately starting thinking about ways to make it work. I left his office and said "I want it." I don't think either one of us, in that moment, seriously thought it was something that would happen. We didn't have any extra $25,000--that adds a LOT to your monthly payment and we simply couldn't afford monthly payments at that price. So we still talked about putting an offer in on that other house. </p><p>Our agent was able to get us in to see the too expensive house the next day, and we were only the second people to see the home. We had spent time praying about each house we looked at, before walking in. We were not rushing into anything and we were trusting that God would guides us in this process. So as I walked through the house I couldn't afford, I found myself trying not to fall in love with it. I did envision myself there, but in a way you dream about owning a mansion and marrying a movie star when you are 13. I didn't let myself get wrapped up in it. The kitchen was actually smaller than I envisioned for myself (though it had the exact amount of counters I told Kris was a must) and I didn't really want to look for things to love at the house I knew we couldn't afford, so I honestly didn't even look at it in the same way I looked at the others. I think I might have been afraid that if I looked too close, I would not be able to let it go.</p><p>Even when I went out to the back and found possibly the most gorgeous deck and pool with butterflies everywhere that anyone would want to sit out on day after day after day, I didn't let myself invest emotionally in that house. But after we looked at it and discussed it, I knew it was something I wanted. Kris felt the same way. We didn't have a quick summer romance with that house....we were patient with our emotions about it. We both wanted to put an offer in on the house. But we couldn't offer what they were asking. And in this market right now, good luck getting a house without offering at least asking, in most cases, waiving inspections just to sweeten the deal.</p><p>But God blessed us with a very wise and exceptional agent. My friend who sent the link to that house is married to our agent, and I swear the two of them are an incredible team. She found the house, and he guided us through how to approach our offer. He advised us to offer the list price, and waive inspections. He knew there would be multiple offers on a home like this, in a very quiet neighborhood in Ferguson. We listened to his guidance and we looked at our budget. It wasn't really feasible to offer asking, or offering anything at all. And yet, we wanted to try anyway. </p><p>We really felt God's hand guiding us through the entire process and Kris felt compelled to put out a fleece. If you aren't familiar with the story of Gideon in the Bible, just know that Gideon asked God for a sign. Not once, but twice. And both times God gave him a sign. He didn't have to. He could have been silent, letting Gideon make the decision for himself. But he showed up for Gideon in ways that made it clear this is what he wanted. So when Kris floated the idea of laying out a fleece and asking God to give us a sign, I was just like "okay." What was our fleece? Our fleece was to offer $15,000 higher than what we knew we could afford. And it was still $10,000 LESS than asking.</p><p>If we gave up our monthly beach savings (which most of you know is a genuine sacrifice for me), we could swing the payments. We weren't sure how to come up with the extra closing costs or down payment we would need if they did choose us, but we were trusting that God would show us one way or the other if this was the right house for us. If the house were the right house, then we would figure out a way to quickly gather the extra money we would need to close. </p><p>We put this offer in, though it was less than asking. We waived all inspections in faith. It was highly unlikely that we would even be considered. We looked at that house on a Friday, and put our offer in on Saturday. The sellers would decide on Sunday night.</p><p>Saturday evening, we got a text saying that there were other offers higher than ours. We were given the opportunity to increase our offer. We talked and prayed about it, looked at the budget and really felt like we needed to stick with our original offer. It was already a stretch when we had asked God for a sign at the amount we offered. So we said thanks, but no thanks. If this house is meant to be, they will choose us. </p><p>However, we did not believe that we would be chosen, knowing there were other offers higher than ours. Not in a "we don't have enough faith" way. It was more of a practical, "it would literally take a miracle" belief. So that night, we prayed about it, and we let the house go. I did not believe we would get it, and I felt peace about going back to make an offer on the other house or continuing to look. But I still held out for a miracle. I told so many people that weekend that it would take a miracle for us to get that house. </p><p>I've forgotten a few details, but at some point Sunday night, we got our answer to the fleece we laid out. We were given a yes. We were given a miracle. We got a text saying that if we went up an extra $5000 on our offer, the house was ours. We started scrambling to see if we could come up with that much extra cash at closing. If we took all of our beach money we have saved, and if you look at the fact our first house payment wouldn't be due until November, we would have almost the exact amount we needed. </p><p>We asked for a sign. We asked God to show us if we were moving in the right direction. We put out a fleece and said if they choose us, that is a yes. So we felt comfortable accepting their counter offer, at $5000 higher. We wrote it up and signed it. They signed it. We didn't know if it would pass the occupancy inspection, but we walked forward in faith. And it was in that that God provided another miracle. The inspection passed with flying colors.</p><p>And then, as if that weren't enough, God did ANOTHER miracle. The house didn't appraise for what we offered. Do you know what amount the house actually appraised for? The amount of our ORIGINAL offer, the one we put out in faith, as a fleece, trusting that if the home were right, then that was the right amount. And now, I am sitting at my dining room table in my dream home that has things I never even knew were dreams, just in awe of God. The weather for the next week is just gorgeous enough to eek out a few good days in the pool before we close it up for the year. Today is my youngest's 17th birthday and all of the family, including my son, will be in town to celebrate her and this new home that we will some day have grandkids running around in. It makes me weep to think about the patter of tiny feet and the laughter and the memories that will be made in this home. I am more grateful than I have words to express. I cannot believe that this is my life. I am so so thankful that I have pressed into God, instead of pulling away. We are here today because we have walked forward in faith and because God loves his children so much and he loves to give us good gifts when we sincerely seek after him. He delights in us and this home is just a taste of how much.</p><p>So, all of that to say, 2022 has been a big year. It has had tremendous pain, heartbreak, and devastation. But it has had even greater amounts of comfort, peace, joy and miracles. When I think about the work God is calling us to, and I look at this home, I see a safe haven. For us, and for those lost and hurting and drowning in a sea of pain.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/LQPWbSfJIz0" width="320" youtube-src-id="LQPWbSfJIz0"></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-69422644482030212642022-06-23T05:48:00.003-05:002022-06-23T07:26:19.517-05:00It's Not Really Depression, Right?<p> I feel like I am standing on the edge of the cliff. Up here, I can look around and down below, and I can see a vast landscape. It isn't luscious and green. It isn't filled with flowers and color. It is dark and deep, and it is an abyss that calls me by name. It KNOWS me. It recognizes the shape of me, the energy I put off, all the things that are in me that do not belong. It calls to me. It shows me beautiful things, things that look good. And yet, if I look at them from a different angle, or light shines down on them, they crumble to dust.</p><p>When I get to this point, I think I fool myself into thinking I am not depressed. I am clinging so desperately to my own sanity, and I already feel like I am drowning. The depression beckons me to just lay down and stop fighting. Just stay in bed. Just today. Just lay down and succumb.</p><p>It is so alluring, this call to lay down and just stop. To let it all wash over me, and just spend months locked away from the world, while I suffer under the weight of it. I look at where I am right now, and I look at what is on the horizon, and neither option is desirable.</p><p>I honestly don't want to be in either place--either in the middle of depression, or on the edge of it. And yet, it is the place I find myself. Yet again. It's a ride I can't get off of. I don't have the luxury of just setting depression down and simply hoping it goes away. My entire adult life (and likely much of my teen years) has been a balance between sanity and mental torment. </p><p>Most days, I win. Not the me who I am trying desperately to put to death, but the me who is fearfully and wonderfully made. The me who loves Jesus and wants to serve him...the one who relies on HIS strength because I know I have none left...that's the me who usually gets through yet another day.</p><p>Then there are other days where I'm exhausted from fighting. I am weak. I give into the feelings and the chaos. I let my mind wander around through a minefield. It is as if during these dark times, I have convinced myself that this minefield I am trudging through is not filled with traps and pain and death! And so I spend some time there, being filled up with all things empty. </p><p>Even while I am there, I am disgusted. I know it isn't right. I know it isn't true. I know it isn't what my mind needs to be fixating on. This obsession, this compulsion to consider the what ifs - I want it to die. I don't want to be this scared, nervous, obsessive person who is easily swayed by whatever looks good. Even if I can see it dripping with death and decay, there is still this small part of me that craves that. How? Why? I know it's empty and dead. And yet, because it's pretty on the outside, it calls to me.</p><p>This is depression.</p><p>It dresses itself up and it tries to play itself off as good. It tries to trick me. It tries to whisper that it is what I need. And when you are exhausted and raw and unsettled, giving in to it sure does sound like the easiest thing to do. In fact, it IS the easy thing to do. To just lay down. To just close my eyes, stop fighting for just a few minutes, and let what happens, happen. Because I can fool myself into thinking that it'll only grip me for a few minutes or hours. But those hours turn into days, which turn into months. Dark, awful, scary months, where I can't trust my own mind or thoughts because they want to convince me that life is not worth living anymore.</p><p>I'm a little angry, if I am honest, calling this place I am in depression.</p><p>Yesterday, I felt like I was just on the edge, like I hadn't given in.</p><p>And this morning, I wonder if I have been fooling myself.</p><p>The panic, the anxiety, the things that lead into depression, that's where I am at, right? Just there? Not any further? I haven't really tipped my toes into this again, have I? And what if I have? Why does this always come with shame? Why can't I just BE unsettled and BE not okay without it also ushering in guilt and shame for feeling like this to begin with? I want to beat myself up for finding myself here. It is a vicious cycle and it would be so easy to just let is all crash down on top of me.</p><p>I know that's a lie. Because the truth is something God showed me before I even started writing this: yes, I am here again, trying desperately not to get sucked in and pulled under. And yes it is hard. And yes, I am currently fighting a fight for literal life. </p><p>This time around, I can see it coming - maybe not a mile off, but I'll tell you this. The last depression in 2020? It snuck up on me and I was completely surprised to find myself in the midst of day after day after day of struggling to get out of bed, take a shower, brush my teeth, go to work, be around people, trying NOT contemplate ways to make it all just stop. </p><p>I just typed that I wasn't going to be surprised by it this time around and then quickly deleted it, because as I sit here writing this, I guess it has surprised me once again. I thought I was "safer" from the depression this time around, because I could feel it creeping in. And yet, maybe I am already in the midst of it.</p><p>The difference is that right now, in this very moment, I am STILL in the fight. I do not want to let it wash over me. Well, I WANT it to. But I also know that I can't. No matter how exhausted I am from the constant struggle to keep my head above water, I have to keep swimming. And even though it's hard and I'm very, very tired, I choose to put one foot in front of the other. Today, I choose to fight another day. The alternative, trying to dig myself out of that abyss, it's not something I want to do again.</p><p>I don't know how to get through it. I want to avoid it altogether. And yet, that's not usually how it works with anything in life. Sometimes we have to walk through the really hard things before there is relief. It would be too easy and I would learn nothing if it were not incredibly difficult. I wouldn't complain if it were a little LESS difficult, but I know that the freedom and growth will be worth the struggle.</p><p>So today, while I still can, I choose to fight. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YBl84oZxnJ4" width="320" youtube-src-id="YBl84oZxnJ4"></iframe></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"> ...</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-74796039793401430882022-06-20T06:10:00.001-05:002022-06-20T06:10:59.313-05:00A Psalm of Sorrow<p> Go a little deeper.</p><p>That's what you are saying.</p><p>It's the calling you have placed on my heart.</p><p>You gave me ten years to rest and heal.</p><p>You gave me time to learn and grow.</p><p>And now, you want me to go deeper.</p><p>Can I be honest?</p><p>I'm not sure I want to.</p><p>Not because I don't want to be in the deep.</p><p>Not because I don't want to grow more.</p><p>Not because I don't desire MORE.</p><p>It's just, if I'm honest, I'm scared.</p><p>I don't know what to expect.</p><p>We both know the unknown has always terrified me.</p><p>How do I move forward in faith, instead of fear.</p><p>I can hear you beckon me</p><p>I feel your Spirit moving in me, drawing me deeper.</p><p>I'm not sure I'm scared about drowning.</p><p>I'm not ever certain what I am actually afraid of.</p><p>I have been in the deeps with you.</p><p>When I thought it would hurt, when I thought you would wound, instead I found healing.</p><p>I found peace.</p><p>I found freedom.</p><p>I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.</p><p>Time and time again, you have lavished love and grace in my life.</p><p>So why is it so easy to get distracted?<br /></p><p>Why does the slightest wind shift my focus?</p><p>Why can't I just stay in the deep with you?</p><p>Why am I always swimming to shore?<br /></p><p>Why can't I just stay put and let the waves shift and move me?</p><p>I don't want to give you control.</p><p>I guess when it comes down to it, I don't want to let it all go.</p><p>Surrender, you say.</p><p>But what about all the other things?</p><p>All the stuff that tells me it is more important?</p><p>Who will worry about those?</p><p>I know the truth.</p><p>Why can't I activate the faith I cling to?</p><p>Why does this feel so hard?</p><p>It feels too big, like I will never learn.</p><p>How long will I fight against this?</p><p>I want to change.</p><p>I want to die to myself.</p><p>And yet, at the heart of it, I realize just how much of myself I still love.</p><p>I want it to look the way I want it to look.</p><p>I want to give you my heart and also hold onto the parts of it that aren't yet yours.</p><p>That's the truth, isn't it?</p><p>Admitting that I want it to be all about me.</p><p>I want the accolades.</p><p>I want to be seen.</p><p>I want what you have called me to give.</p><p>That's at the heart of what I don't want to admit.</p><p>Humility is this intangible thing that feels too big to grasp.</p><p>And yet, I know it's required.</p><p>I have to die.</p><p>I have to be willing to let you excise the parts of my heart that no longer belong.</p><p>I am alive.</p><p>I am free.</p><p>I don't have to be consumed by this.</p><p>You remind me constantly of your love and grace.</p><p>Why do I long for it to be enough, yet walk through life as if it isn't?</p><p>I hate this about myself.</p><p>I don't want to be self-centered and vain.</p><p>I don't want to feel this way.</p><p>But I do.</p><p>So what now, God?</p><p>It feels like we are at an impasse, because I don't want to let it go.</p><p>I don't want to give up this last piece of myself, the piece that makes me me.</p><p>Even though me isn't worth much.</p><p>The me who wants to live is not healthy or safe or filled with your spirit.</p><p>Why is the battle against my own will so hard?</p><p>It's MY will. </p><p>I should be able to control this, shouldn't I?</p><p>I'm angry and I'm frustrated.</p><p>All of my insecurities rise to the surface and I don't know how to make them bow.</p><p>I don't know how to move past this.</p><p>And yet, you give me clarity.</p><p>You show up, on quiet drives to work.</p><p>You orchestrate worship that drives me to the foot of the Cross.</p><p>You remind me that you are bigger than all of my fears.</p><p>You love me, even this part of me I am trying so desperately to cling to.</p><p>You love even that girl.</p><p>The one who feels small and defeated.</p><p>The one who loves herself more than she should.</p><p>The one who knows the good she ought to do and doesn't do it.</p><p>Your grace.</p><p>Your mercy.</p><p>Your love.</p><p>Those are singing over me today as I wrestle with feelings of shame and anger and insecurity.</p><p>None of it matters.</p><p>In the grand scheme of things, I'm irrelevant.</p><p>Remind me when I forget.</p><p>Keep showing up.</p><p>Keep giving me your grace.</p><p>Keep showering your mercy upon me.</p><p>Keep lavishing this love I can't understand.</p><p>Bring me to my knees.</p><p>Give me courage to stay there, as long as it takes for you to make me clean.</p><p>Wash away anything that points to me.</p><p>Forgive me for making it about me and what I want.</p><p>Soothe my heart when it feels empty.</p><p>I know that you see me.</p><p>I know that you are the only one that matters.</p><p>Bring me back to that place where my heart was wholly about you.</p><p>To live, I must die.</p><p>I want to live.</p><p>Teach me to live.</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-65382353564668902642022-06-17T17:32:00.008-05:002022-06-17T18:58:45.940-05:00A Psalm Of Chaos<p> I am unsettled.</p><p>A bomb has gone off inside of my body.</p><p>Every moment is a battle.</p><p>Each second is a fight for control.</p><p>I choose FAITH over FEAR.</p><p>But I am still afraid.</p><p>Thoughts come unbidden.</p><p>I don’t want this.</p><p>I don’t want to think about these things.</p><p>They are not true.</p><p>They are not noble.</p><p>They are not right.</p><p>They are not pure.</p><p>They are not lovely.</p><p>They are not admirable.</p><p>I WANT to think about excellent or praiseworthy things.</p><p>So why are the *other* thoughts so loud?</p><p>I hear them, like constant screaming in my brain.</p><p>I force the negative thoughts to bow down.</p><p>They have no place in a heart that has been set free.</p><p>But the thoughts, they stand up again.</p><p>I force them to bow. Again.</p><p>Again, they rise.</p><p>Again, I make them bow.</p><p>The thoughts boomerang throughout my mind, draining my energy.</p><p>I want the roiling in my stomach to stop.</p><p>I want the constant feeling of suffocating to go away.</p><p>I want to feel stable again, even if just for a moment.</p><p>I want to not be tired from the fight.</p><p>I want the struggle to end.</p><p>But God, I don’t want to rush you.</p><p>I know that you are taking me somewhere new.</p><p>I know that you want to put this fear to death once and for all.</p><p>You want to walk me through the path to freedom from the anxiety that cripples me.</p><p>You are asking me to wait.</p><p>You are asking me to sit in this; all the while, you call me deeper.</p><p>You never promised it would be easy.</p><p>You actually promised it would be very difficult.</p><p>Because Jesus doesn’t make any sense.</p><p>The Cross is confusing.</p><p>It’s hard to understand how death can bring life.</p><p>And yet, it does.</p><p>Knowing that doesn’t make me less tired.</p><p>It doesn’t take away the shaking, the trembling, the heavy breaths that never feel quite complete.</p><p>How long am I called to sit in this?</p><p>Until it no longer has a hold on me?</p><p>How long will it take?</p><p>I’ve never been quick to learn the lesson.</p><p>So I want to rush through the pain and the stretching.</p><p>I want to be on the other side.</p><p>But I know it doesn’t work like that.</p><p>I have to walk through this, no matter how hard.</p><p>I have to sit in the panic that never quite leaves, until it no longer has a hold over me.</p><p>How do I get from here to there?</p><p>I know the end goal.</p><p>I can see it, just on the horizon.</p><p>I know that I can reach out and grab it.</p><p>Why can’t I connect my brain and my heart?</p><p>Why is it always so hard to surrender?</p><p>I can feel the resistance.</p><p>It just builds and builds, the more I desire to lay it down.</p><p>I hate this feeling.</p><p>I hate the internal struggle to let go.</p><p>To say, OK. It’s time to stop fighting.</p><p>And what about now?</p><p>When I am trying so hard to lay it down and let it go?</p><p>Why is it still so hard?</p><p>Why does relief not come?</p><p>How long do you want me to endure this?</p><p>I will.</p><p>But is there an end?</p><p>Will I ever be free of this anxiety in this earthly body?</p><p>Or is this another thorn in my side, like the pain?</p><p>Does this keep me from becoming prideful in all you have called me to do?</p><p>Does it point to you?</p><p>Or is there a deficiency in me that you want to fill?</p><p>I think there’s freedom for me.</p><p>I want there to be.</p><p>But the struggle is nearly unbearable.</p><p>The constant bringing my mind back under control has left me feeling weak and exposed.</p><p>This is spiritual warfare.</p><p>I expected it.</p><p>I knew that the enemy would ramp up efforts to divide and destroy.</p><p>I watched him do it before.</p><p>NO LONGER.</p><p>I refuse to let him have a hold in my life any longer.</p><p>If I need to put this to death once and for all, then I will buckle up and hold on for the fight of my life.</p><p>But can I rest a little along the way?</p><p>Can I have time to breathe and cry and recover?</p><p>Can I pause, when it all spills over, and just be held for a few minutes?</p><p>I close my eyes, and I call on the name of Jesus.</p><p>I sit at my desk at work, trying to hold it all together.</p><p>Tears fall down my cheeks as I try to focus.</p><p>I’m not sure I’ll make it through, and yet again, I do.</p><p>I put one foot in front of the other.</p><p>I take shallow breaths, because deep ones elude me.</p><p>I put my head in my hands and I cry out to Jesus.</p><p>Give me strength.</p><p>Give me relief.</p><p>Give me peace.</p><p>Teach me to put to death all that still remains of me.</p><p>I’ve been asking this for a while, and you are answering.</p><p>That’s why I am here, in this chaotic place.</p><p>Because I asked you to take me to the next level.</p><p>I told you that I was ready.</p><p>So I am not surprised by this.</p><p>I don’t even want you to take it away really.</p><p>It’s just that on days like today, I just want to rest.</p><p>Just for a bit.</p><p>And when I cry out for that, you remind me.</p><p>I am called to NOT be weary in doing good.</p><p>I am called to NOT give up in the kingdom work.</p><p>It’s all about you.</p><p>It has nothing to do with me.</p><p>So once again, I cry out for more of you and less of me.</p><p>Renew my mind.</p><p>Refresh my heart.</p><p>Give me strength to keep fighting.</p><p>Remind me when I am weak that it’s okay.</p><p>In my weakness, you show up best.</p><p>If weakness is what it takes for me to know you, continue to bring me to my knees.</p><p>Calm my anxious heart.</p><p>Still my shaking bones.</p><p>Ease the trembling I feel in my spirit.</p><p>My hope is in you, therefore you WILL renew my strength.</p><p>I will mount on wings like eagles.</p><p>I will run and not be weary.</p><p>I will walk and not be faint.</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-41534317603407788662022-05-24T07:31:00.000-05:002022-05-24T07:31:42.337-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Final Thoughts<p>I wasn't sure if I would round this series about Moana out with a final, tenth post. I left it open for some final thoughts, partly because I wasn't sure if I would have too much to say, and partly because I wanted to leave room to talk about Tamatoa<strike> and not at all because it would somehow soothe my OCD brain</strike>. I didn't want to give Tamatoa his own separate post mixed in with all the rest, because his character didn't quite fit with the others, in terms of what I felt like God was teaching me. But I kept it open, just in case, and it turns out it was necessary because we can't really finish this without looking at the risk that comes with Tamatoa.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCuS0pUEswSnI3P5QMjlnURUVpHx_9RtCdWP_Ho1SS5SOpQjGKevfEbLYST2tfXfuH5GDJWSNrFMCCvtdWJhVTk1Mg12NKmtsTJefaycmcalgVCvDSxT63nFiqFrr00GF9UqdmshA2PpMtoNpQclFH1pKvxr8mbqsq3eZik4AYxOqQhyApC8Pu41Po/s2000/part10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCuS0pUEswSnI3P5QMjlnURUVpHx_9RtCdWP_Ho1SS5SOpQjGKevfEbLYST2tfXfuH5GDJWSNrFMCCvtdWJhVTk1Mg12NKmtsTJefaycmcalgVCvDSxT63nFiqFrr00GF9UqdmshA2PpMtoNpQclFH1pKvxr8mbqsq3eZik4AYxOqQhyApC8Pu41Po/s320/part10.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I am going to make a confession here: there is a part of me that is incredibly attracted to shiny things. There is a draw to something that looks expensive and more beautiful than everything else around it, especially if I don't already have one. As humans, we are constantly chasing after the next best shiny thing, aren't we?<p></p><p>Because of that truth alone, it would be foolish to skip over Tamatoa. Tamatoa tells us in song that he used to just be a drab little crab. I am not sure what happened to that once-humble crab, but through the course of his life, he began collecting all the shiny things. He believes that all of his stuff somehow makes him tougher. Over time, he has learned how to manipulate the world around him. He understands intuitively that his shininess attracts fish, because fish are dumb and drawn to things that glitter (his words, not mine). So he can keep covering himself in all things that shine, and prey will then come to him! He has perfected his system to the point that he doesn't have to do any work at all. </p><p>He has this down to a smoothly-polished science. His entire life is about <b>looking</b> more attractive to others so that in the end, he can feast on anyone who approaches him. He doesn't care about actually bringing people into his realm except that it benefits him. If it is shiny, he can collect it. If it is prey, he can consume it. What a dangerous place to be! Jesus warns of this in Matthew 23:27-28:</p><p>"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."</p><p style="text-align: left;">After the movie ends and the end credits roll, we see Tamatoa lying flat on his back, in the exact place Maui and Moana left him in the the Realm of Monsters. Perhaps they have been gone only minutes or maybe it has been yearss, but Tamatoa has obviously had some time to ponder, as he sings:</p><p style="text-align: center;">Shiny</p><p style="text-align: center;">I'm so shiny</p><p style="text-align: center;">Didn't help me though, did it?</p><p style="text-align: center;">Still upside down here.</p><p style="text-align: center;">Just need a little push.</p><p>In the end, Tamatoa came to the realization that all of his shiny collectibles could do him no good if he ever found himself upside down and stuck. I don't know what happened in Tamatoa's life that led him down the path of using shiny things as protection from the world. But there is no doubt that somewhere along the way, he began to collect things that he felt would protect him from whatever trauma he had endured. He stayed in his pit deep in the ocean letting all the shiny things come to him, too scared to venture out and find the healing he so desperately needed. </p><p>And when he got himself into a situation beyond his control, because he had sheltered himself away from everyone, he suddenly realized that there was NO ONE to help him. He did this to himself, and he has to stay there until someone skilled at stripping away all the shiny things can come and put him back on the right path. It reminds me of the scene from <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Voyage_of_the_Dawn_Treader">Voyage of the Dawn Treader</a>, where Aslan has to help remove the dragon scales from Eustace, because he is the only one who knows how:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/InAukk4DuRw" width="320" youtube-src-id="InAukk4DuRw"></iframe></div><br /><p>Hear me: what's on the other side of your broken, walled off heart is far better than what you are floundering with now. Maybe it's time to stop holding onto everything that makes you feel safe. That probably isn't working anyway. If you surrender the fighting and stop clinging so tightly to all the lies your life has thrust upon you, and you go towards that unknown, terrifying light, you will find the freedom you've been striving after. </p><p><b>You will learn that what you were so afraid of was actually the LOVE and GRACE and PEACE that Jesus says you are worthy of. </b></p><p>Yes, even you. </p><p>Even if you're sitting in a pig pen of your own making, surrounded by all things shiny.</p><p>Come to him and find rest.</p><p>After Moana restores the heart of Te Fiti, we see growth happen instantaneously. The hard outer exterior of molten lava begins to crumble away, and in its place new life begins. It starts with Te Fiti and once she is healed and full of lucious plantlife again, she reaches her hand down and touches the blackened land around her. And we see new life spring up under her tender touch.</p><p>If God has rescued you and cleaned you up and given you a time of rest, you will experience this kind of growth and beauty in your life. Isaiah 61:3 says, "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."</p><p><b>Don't be afraid of this process. It might stretch and strain you, but it will not kill you. </b></p><p>It will make you stronger, transforming you will from stony, blackened land into be a beautiful tree, nourished by God, rooted deeply in Jesus--and that tree will be unable to stop from bursting forth and giving birth to an entire forest of beautiful trees, made so by the Master Gardener.</p><p>Keep trying it on your own for a time, if you really must.</p><p>Convince yourself that faith and God don't matter, and try to do it your own way. </p><p>You do you. </p><p>Do what makes you happy. </p><p>Chase after the high, the job, the status, the money, the praise of others, all the shiny things. </p><p>But when you learn how empty this striving is, when you accept that life is hard and you cannot always be happy, please remember that Jesus isn't going to look at you and say, "Why did you keep running? Why weren't you better or stronger?" Instead, he is going to look at you with eyes filled with love and a heart bursting with compassion. Maybe you are fighting a fight you have no business being in, through your own making, or perhaps it is one that someone unfairly left at your feet, after they stole away your heart. </p><p>Just know that when you look into those eyes brimming with tears that mirror your own pain, you will not see judgment or hate. You will look into his eyes, and you will be invited into the warm embrace of a Father who has only ever wanted to make your heart whole. And Jesus will simply say to you, "It's OKAY. I will carry you for a while."</p><p>The world tells us to be happy and to look out for number one. Don't look inward and become obsessed with your own pile of worthless treasure. Sure it brought Tamatoa joy and nourishment, for a time. </p><p>But listen! </p><p>In the end, Tamatoa was just living in a deep pit of his own making, prancing about in treasures that didn't do anything but age along with him. And even worse, when he did find himself in need of rescue, his treasures had absolutely nothing to offer. They could not save him. </p><p>If you are ready to move forward, I pray this over you: that you find healing for your own trauma. I pray that you learn that there is purpose in the pain, and that recovery from trauma IS possible. Heal so that you can be whole. So that you can teach your children or those around you what living freely IN SPITE of trauma looks like.</p><p>And once you have done that, I pray that you dive deep, back into the very ocean you were rescued from, and that you strive with all your might to restore the other hearts that have been stolen.</p><p>If you have been in the ocean seeking out hearts in need of rescue and you have become weary, don't give up. Remember what you were called to do. If you have slowed down or stopped the fight altogether, wake up! <b>Be like Maui and get back in the fight.</b> </p><p>If you can't remember, I will remind you who and WHOSE you are. <b>I will be Gramma Tala to you.</b></p><p>And maybe right now, you are in need of rescue. And maybe I can't do anything more than bring a raft and float with you in your pain. But I hope you hear me: that is exactly what I am willing to do. <b>I will be Moana to you.</b> </p><p>I <b>SEE</b> you and I will stay in the water with you as long as it takes to get you to safety so that you can heal, dive back in, and then help me get the others.<br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-46845477368566938722022-05-23T09:11:00.013-05:002022-05-23T09:42:35.133-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 9 - Te Ka & Te Fiti<p>I saved this one for last, probably because it was the most powerful of all of the revelations God gave to me through this movie. Before I started writing this series on Moana, I obsessively watched the movie for three weeks. I just couldn't shake it or get it out of my head. I needed to watch it. There was something intense within me that just had to figure some things out. I felt like this movie unraveled me and the only way I could make sense of it was to write about it.</p><p>For weeks, I couldn't understand why I needed to keep watching this movie. At the same time, God was orchestrating some things behind the scenes. I felt led to reconnect with an old friend, and did so, all the while feeling nervous and second-guessing myself, because this old friend surely had enough friends who could come alongside her, didn't she? </p><p>As I kept watching this movie, I began to see this old friend in a new light. One day I was watching Moana and reached the end. All of a sudden, clarity came crashing down on me and I understood that God had been leading me to reach out to this old friend because her heart had been stolen. </p><p>And it had been missing for a very, very long time. </p><p><b>And worst of all, NO ONE NOTICED.</b></p><p>That is the part that utterly crushed me. And it set in motions a series of events that only God could have orchestrated and ordained, renewing that old friendship and somehow shaping it into something even more beautiful.</p><p>When Te Fiti's heart is stolen from her, we see a darkness spread over her. It is swift and leaves nothing untouched. There is so much darkness and damage that an evil fire demon named Te Ka rises up and surrounds Te Fiti, becoming an impenetrable barrier so that no one can ever reach Te Fiti again.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6u80Xhdvyymi24gKh6Y--F8enTyq1lS-bIHCM3DJOTXKoMmYssFX9RxT_JKDhGD6vw8KRMEnERO_9Nq17eZe6nVHarXPIyXTAkF3fkbswYQba3lvy9hXZ9GXHQewFmzKX-RTp2_yW1thBhJ_nBHB2xclhGnoLfuwYUhGinqhM2GiPHwZbNcWbzkkn/s2000/part9.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6u80Xhdvyymi24gKh6Y--F8enTyq1lS-bIHCM3DJOTXKoMmYssFX9RxT_JKDhGD6vw8KRMEnERO_9Nq17eZe6nVHarXPIyXTAkF3fkbswYQba3lvy9hXZ9GXHQewFmzKX-RTp2_yW1thBhJ_nBHB2xclhGnoLfuwYUhGinqhM2GiPHwZbNcWbzkkn/s320/part9.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>In some ways, Te Ka has become a protector of Te Fiti. She doesn't have her heart, and so essentially, Te Ka surrounds Te Fiti and will not let anything or anyone get near her. That is why Maui and Moana find themselves trying to fight Te Ka. Their biggest obstacle in getting the heart back to Te Fiti is this lava monster. <p></p><p>It is in trying to get through a narrow opening to Te Fiti that Te Ka strikes them down. This is the event that cracks Maui's hook and it is also the event where he walks away, leaving Moana to restore the heart that Maui stole.</p><p>Moana is not deterred. With renewed vigor and hope, she is determined to make it past Te Ka, to Te Fiti, so that she can restore the heart. She is almost there, but Te Ka is bigger and stronger. Just when the battle is fiercest and it is clear that Moana will not make it, Maui returns to the fight once more. </p><p><b>If running away is Maui's biggest flaw, then running right back into the fight is one of his greatest strengths. </b></p><p>I'll give Maui this: he ALWAYS came back. No matter how much the world hurt him. No matter how prideful and arrogant he was. No matter how distracted from his true purpose he had become. He knew what was right, and in the end, no matter how long it took, he always dusted himself off and put himself back in the fight.</p><p>And he comes to Moana's rescue at just the right time. But he doesn't take on the burden of restoring the heart of Te Fiti. What he does do is give Moana the time she needs to get through the opening. He sacrifices his own desires, he pushes past his fear of being nothing without his hook, and he faces Te Ka one last time, knowing it is very likely the end of Maui, demigod of the wind and sea. </p><p>Maui had come face to face with who he was, what he had done, and then decided who he wanted to be. He knew that he would lose his hook, which to him felt like the only value he had to offer. But he gave it anyway, because he was finally willing to own his culpability in all of it and he understood that it was the LEAST he could do.</p><p>Because of Maui's sacrifice, Moana is finally able to make it through to Te Fiti. Maui yells to Moana to get the heart to the spiral, so Moana races up to the top of this desolate island. When she gets there, there is no spiral. </p><p>As she always does, Moana sees past the surface. Past the fury and the raging and the screaming. While Te Ka has her heart set on Te Fiti's, Moana has eyes only for Te Ka's heart. </p><p>Suddenly, this is no longer about Te Fiti. Something has changed within Moana. </p><p><b>She SEES Te Ka. </b></p><p><b>She sees who Te Ka truly is.</b></p><p>And so we come to the most pivotal scene in the movie, and it is a mirror of what God has been teaching me over this last month.</p><p>Moana truly SEES Te Ka, probably for the first time ever. </p><p>She understands, intuitively, why Te Ka is raging so hard to get to Te Fiti's heart. </p><p>And suddenly, she isn't afraid. </p><p>She doesn't run or try to hide. </p><p>In a moment of clarity, Moana knows exactly what to do. </p><p>Because Moana knows WHO Te Ka really is. </p><p>If you have never seen the movie, I encourage you to watch it in full, but for the sake of this post, this is the scene, the one that leaves me weeping and filled with purpose:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/A4QuKwfv6Wk" width="320" youtube-src-id="A4QuKwfv6Wk"></iframe></div><br /><p><b>Te Ka has simply been Te Fiti all along, living without her heart for 1,000 years. </b></p><p>Te Fiti's heart was stolen from her, and this event was SO traumatic that in a way, Te Fiti became completely disengaged from her heart. Doesn't our unhealed trauma leave us like this? Without the heart inside, protected as it should be, Te Fiti quickly became overcome by darkness. She was burned up, hardened by her pain, and left raging without any way of escape. She stayed this way, continuing to build layer upon layer of protection, year after year, until suddenly, no one even recognized Te Fiti for who she really was. <-- TRAUMA!</p><p>Here is where God brought me at the end of all of this.</p><p>There are people out there right now, in my very life, who have had their hearts stolen. </p><p>There are GODLY people even, right in our churches, who are crushed under the weight of not being SEEN. They fight and flail about in the water, screaming and raging for someone to SEE them. For someone to see that the fire burning inside of them is trauma and pain, and they wait there wounded and bleeding, just praying for someone to restore their heart. They are surrounded by wind and waves and cannot get to safety on their own. We must be willing to dive into the water and GO GET THEM!</p><p>We walk next to people in our daily lives and we hug them as we go by, never really knowing that they have become a shell of who they once were. Someone has stolen their heart. Maybe it was someone who had bad intentions, and maybe the person doing the harm was the very person sent to protect their hearts. </p><p>I can't just sit by any longer and pretend that I am innocent of trampling over hearts and lives. There have been hearts that I have stolen. There have been Godly people within the body of Christ to whom I KNOW I have caused great harm and it is devastating to know that in that person's life, I am Maui--that for selfish reasons, through the lens of my own unhealed trauma and pain, I placed myself above another, and took what did not belong to me. I am guilty of this. And I can't undo the harm I caused. I couldn't even return the heart to these people.</p><p>And perhaps that is why I am so spurred on by Moana and this idea of restoring hearts. Because I know the great pain of having stolen someone's heart. I have seen the devastation it leaves in its wake. Even now, ten years later, I still see the craters it has left in peoples' lives. I see the havoc it wreaks even now in my mind, as I have to war daily with unbidden thoughts. I am wrecked that there once used to live within me a wounded animal that lashed out at those who never deserved it. I am crushed that my pain caused even a moment of pain in someone else's life. I have had to come face to face with the very wretched person that was at the center of the old me. I have done horrible things, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make amends for even the tiniest fraction of it.</p><p>Here is what I want you to hear, if you are tossed about by the wind and waves and you are drowning under the weight of it all:</p><p>I SEE YOU.</p><p>I will be your lifeline.</p><p>-----</p><p>I have crossed the horizon to find you</p><p>I know your name</p><p>They have stolen the heart from inside you</p><p>But this does not define you</p><p>This is not who you are.</p><p>I know who you are.</p><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-60224849219711164002022-05-22T10:17:00.002-05:002022-05-22T10:17:29.135-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 8 - Moana<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">When Moana is just a little girl, we see a scene on the beach. Moana is on the shoreline, and the water moves back revealing a shell. Moana bends down to pick it up, and sees another shell, further into the water. The water continues moving back, revealing another shell and Moana tries to fit them all into her tiny hands. As a song plays, the water continues to move up and around Moana. She is still standing on dry ground, while there is water all around. It reminds me of when Moses led the Israelites through the sea. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div>As Moana watches the water and the sea life swimming all around, a wave rises up and looks down on her. She makes a face, and it appears to mimic her. She reaches up and the water touches her hand, then plays with her hair, causing her to laugh. But Moana's attention is quickly drawn back to the water, as she sees a shimmering green stone glide towards her. She holds it in her hand, tracing the design on it, until she hears her father calling her. The wave of water lifts her up and ushers gently her back towards the shore. She drops the stone on the beach as her father rushes out to pick her up and get her away from the water's edge.</div><div><br /></div><div>We don't see much about that stone until Moana is a teenager (maybe young adult?). It is when she is with Gramma Tala, trying to understand who her ancestors were and why they stopped voyaging. It is in this scene that Gramma Tala gives the green stone back to Moana.</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana's original purpose was confirmed by her grandmother, who had witnessed the ocean calling her that day. Gramma Tala is the one who told Moana that she needed to find Maui and say to him,</div><div><br /></div><div>"I am Moana of Montunui. </div><div>You will board my boat, sail across the sea, and restore the heart to Te Fiti."</div><div><br /></div><div>The ocean has been calling Moana since the beginning. She somehow knows intuitively, despite the warnings, that there is safety and freedom in the ocean. Having a heart full of love and compassion for her people, she steps into the ocean, all alone. We obviously learn later that she is not alone - in fact, she has an unlikely companion, Hei Hei. Later, she adds Maui to her tribe and they voyage on, pursuing Moana's purpose, which is to get Maui to Te Fiti. That's what drives her. It is her job to force Maui to CORRECT the mistake he made in stealing Te Fiti's heart.</div><div><div><br /></div><div>After rough seas, being shipwrecked, fighting coconut pirates and a covetous crab, Moana has become weary. She is frustrated but unwilling to give up. Maui decides it is just too hard. It is not worth the PERSONAL risk. One more hit on Maui's fish hook and it will be destroyed. He is simply unwilling to risk helping Moana any longer, because his whole identity is wrapped up in that stupid hook. They have fought and fought and fought, and we find Maui ready to give up, once again. He cannot imagine a world where he has any value without his hook. He clings to it so tightly and when it is at risk, he lashes out.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui is angry with Moana for trying to force them to push past Te Ka, as they try to get to the island of Te Fiti. They are thrown back and Moana sees Maui sitting with his back to her on the boat. He shows her his hook, which is cracked and flickering. Moana insists they can fix it, but Maui is frustrated and says, "It was made by the gods. You can't fix it."<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Moana says, "Next time we'll be more careful. Te Ka was stuck on the barrier islands. It's lava, it can't go in the water. We can find a way around."</div><div><br /></div><div>She is surprised to hear Maui say, "I'm not going back."</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana doesn't understand. She says, "We still have to restore the heart."</div><div><br />Maui explains, "My hook is cracked. One more hit, and it's over."</div><div><br /></div><div>"Maui, you have to restore the heart."</div><div><br /></div><div>"Without my hook, I am nothing."</div><div><br /></div><div>"That's not true!" Moana exclaims.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui gets in her face this time and yells, "Without my hook, I am nothing!" He takes the stone, the heart of Te Fiti, and drops it on the boat in front of Moana. Moana picks it up as Maui starts to walk away. But before he can leave, she calls him out, <b>"We are only here...because you stole the heart in the first place."</b></div><div><br /></div><div>It is here, in the midst of his pain, in the midst of being reminded of what he has done, Maui's trauma response takes over. Moana has triggered his guilt and shame by reminding him that it is his fault they are here to begin with. And it is through his own lens of unhealed trauma that he says some pretty hurtful things to Moana. "No, we're here because the ocean told you you're special...and you believed it." He starts walking away.</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana, still full of her purpose, says with authority, "I am Moana of Montunui. You will board my boat..."</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui turns back to Moana and simply says, "Goodbye, Moana."</div><div><br /></div><div>Not deterred, Moana continues, "...sail across the sea..."</div><div><br /></div><div>"I'm not killing myself..." Maui interrupts again, "...so you can prove you're something you're not."</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana comes back at him, holding out the stone, "...and restore the heart of Te Fiti!" She continues with a fierceness and desperation in her voice, "The ocean chose me!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui looks at Moana and says, "It chose wrong." </div><div><br /></div><div>He walks to the edge of the boat, turns into an eagle, and flies away, leaving Moana alone outside the home of Te Ka, the demon of earth and fire. Moana stands there looking down in defeat, with the heart of Te Fiti in her hand. This is a pivotal moment in Moana's life.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>I would venture to say that we all come to places like this. Where we are exhausted and weary from the fight. Whether it is a battle of our own making, or one that we are called to fight so that others can have hope, we get tired. We swim and swim in an endless ocean. The wind and the waves come and they push us under. They batter and bruise us. Until one day, we will find ourselves standing at the edge of our boat, too tired to take another step. Too hurt and left alone by the world, it feels like we simply cannot continue in the journey.</b></div><div><br /></div><div>It is in this moment that Moana says, "Why did you bring me here?" As she looks up, she sees a wave shimmering with light, hovering over her. She focuses on it and says, "I'm not the right person." </div><div><br /></div><div>She holds up the heart of Te Fiti and says, "You have to choose someone else." Frustrated and feeling like she isn't good enough, Moana insists, "Choose someone else. Please." </div><div><br /></div><div>And she holds the heart of Te Fiti out to the wave. The wave looks at it in Moana's hand, and then it does what she asks: it simply takes the heart of Te Fiti and it returns it to the ocean deep.</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana falls to her knees, sobbing in grief.</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana desperately needs someone to speak truth into her hurting heart. Sensing something, she looks up to see a shimmering light approaching the boat. A great, glowing light in the shape of a string ray swim around the boat. The shimmering light disappears from the water and we hear Gramma Tala's voice before Moana looks up to see her.</div><div><br /></div><div>"You're a long ways past the reef..." </div><div><br /></div><div>When Moana recognizes that it is Gramma Tala, she runs and collapses into her open arms. <b>Rescue came for Moana's heart when she needed it most. She is still in the middle of the ocean, outside a demon's door, and she is still physically alone. But this vision of Gramma Tala gives Moana a much needed emotional rescue.</b> Sometimes, God will actually rescue us from the dangerous seas. And other times, he will call us to stay in the middle of the ocean, seemingly all alone. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>But he will NEVER leave us alone. The Holy Spirit comes at just the right time, to remind us WHO WE ARE.</b></div><div><br /></div><div>Gramma Tala, in this moment, doesn't spur Moana forward. She doesn't tell her that she MUST keep going alone. She simply says, "If you're ready to go home, I will be with you." This is what Moana wanted to hear. Moana needed to know that if she was too weary, she had permission to end the journey. No one would have faulted Moana for returning to Montunui. It is understandable that after everything she went through she would want to turn back. No one would judge Moana. </div><div><br /></div><div>It was never her job in the first place to restore the heart of Te Fiti. After all, she didn't steal it. Maui did. And if Maui was going to refuse to put it back, then what did Moana owe to anyone? It was not her job. Gramma Tala gives Moana an out, and you see a relieved Moana turn to take the boat home. </div><div><br /></div><div>Moana starts to put the oar in the water, but a look comes over her face and she isn't certain if going home is the right decision. She was told that she CAN go home. She is under no obligation to go forward. She will not be forced to keep going into the ocean. And she can feel good about her decision to go home, because she was only ever trying to help someone else do what they needed to do. </div><div><br /></div><div>When she sees Moana with the oar in her hand, in that moment of contemplation, Gramma Tala says, "Why do you hesitate?"</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana shakes her head and says, "I don't know."</div><div><br /></div><div>Here is where the magic happens. Here is the beauty and how the Holy Spirit works within us. It is in this moment of indecision, of second guessing ourselves, that the Holy Spirit reminds us of who we are. Gramma Tala does the same thing. She sings a song, made just for Moana:</div><div><br /></div><div>I know a girl from an island</div><div>She stands apart from the crowd</div><div>She loves the sea and her people</div><div>She makes her whole family proud</div><div><b>Sometimes the world seems against you</b></div><div><b>The journey may leave a scar</b></div><div><b>But scars can heal and reveal just where you are</b></div><div><b>The people you love will change you</b></div><div><b>The things you have learned will guide you</b></div><div><b>And nothing on earth can silence</b></div><div><b>That quiet voice still inside you</b></div><div>And when that voice starts to whisper,</div><div>Moana, you've come so far</div><div>Moana, listen. </div><div><b>Do you know who you are?"</b></div><div><br /></div><div>This entire scene stirs up deep feelings inside of me. Because I have been at my lowest low, not understanding who I was, or what my purpose was. I have gotten distracted by the world, or frustrated in my journey. I have found myself in this weak place and each time, God showed up. The Holy Spirit came rushing in with new life and and much needed truth. He reminds me that I am worthy. That I am loved. That I have value. That my story can help others. I have experienced the God show up for me just like Gramma Tala did, time and time again. </div><div><br /></div><div>And many, many times the Holy Spirit has asked me, "Do you know who you are?"</div><div><br /></div><div>God knows that I know who I am. But he also knows that I am quick to doubt, quick to hear the lie, and quick to get scared. I fight insecurities and pride all day long. He asks, "Do you know who you are?" because he wants me to remember that I already know. </div><div><br /></div><div>Moana was asked if she knew who she was. And she didn't reply with a simple yes or no. That isn't what Gramma Tala was after. Gramma Tala was asking Moana to repeat back to her WHO she was. She wanted Moana to dig deep, think hard, and then speak WHO she was. Moana pauses and says, "Who am I?" And then Moana, knowing what she is really asking, tells Gramma Tala who she is.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am the girl who loves my island</div><div>And the girl who loves the sea</div><div>It calls me</div><div>I am the daughter of the village chief</div><div>We are descended from voyagers</div><div>We found our way across the world</div><div>They call me</div><div>I've delivered us to where we are</div><div>I have journeyed farther</div><div>I am everything I've learned and more</div><div>Still it calls me</div><div><b>And the call isn't out there at all</b></div><div><b>It's inside me</b></div><div><b>It's like the tide always falling and rising</b></div><div><b>I will carry you here in my heart</b></div><div><b>You remind me</b></div><div>That come what may</div><div>I know the way</div><div>I am Moana</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBtWsAe4vQLmReb4_AQF7mhyBPCmhcjIhORZQzz9Gnv7wj3jaKcEsR8_Wm3VE-lCNwNZbcbYv7FxpHtgxbIoPvJBv9SeinkfYg6eTIA9wbauNObDytgJ7rydP-wmnMHy9AqVK3KWPByAyP3mDiJ5QnrO4nSMIGfrS2pT304efvqkcjOV9KjYQlQToR/s2000/part8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBtWsAe4vQLmReb4_AQF7mhyBPCmhcjIhORZQzz9Gnv7wj3jaKcEsR8_Wm3VE-lCNwNZbcbYv7FxpHtgxbIoPvJBv9SeinkfYg6eTIA9wbauNObDytgJ7rydP-wmnMHy9AqVK3KWPByAyP3mDiJ5QnrO4nSMIGfrS2pT304efvqkcjOV9KjYQlQToR/s320/part8.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div>And then in what I think is one of the more powerful scenes in the movie, Moana--full of purpose once again--dives into the ocean. She swims deeper and deeper until she finds the heart of Te Fiti on the bottom of the ocean. She takes the heart returns to her boat, and prepares for the next leg of her journey. </div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe in the beginning restoring the heart of Te Fiti wasn't her job. Maybe it was never supposed to be her responsibility at all. And yet, Moana knows who she is, and she knows what is important. If Maui won't restore the heart of Te Fiti, even if she has to go alone, Moana will take that role upon herself. She is simply unwilling to stop until the heart of Te Fiti has been restored.</div><div><br /></div><div>People will drop the ball all the time. No, maybe it wasn't your job to sit next to that person you sensed might be hurting. Maybe you thought they already had someone to rescue them. </div><div><br /></div><div>But what if the person who was SUPPOSED to do was too afraid of the fight and ran away? </div><div><br /></div><div>WHO will sit with them in their pain if not you? </div><div><br /></div><div>Are you willing to risk that NO ONE will be the hands and feet of Jesus to the people in your day to day life?</div><div><br /></div><div>Listen, don't make the mistake of thinking the people around you have all the love and support they need. If God puts someone on your heart, it is for a reason. He knows what they need and while you may THINK they have all the people they need in their life, you could be the very person that can give them a breath of fresh air. <b>You can help hold a heart that is hurting.</b> Don't let doubts or insecurities or fear keep you from reaching out to someone. Don't even fool yourself into thinking that they have it all together and they don't need any more friends. Because if you do, you just might miss the person drowning right next to you. Maybe you aren't the one, like Maui, who actually stole that person's heart from inside of them. But you ARE intended to be Moana. You are intended to go, to sit next to, and to love on the people around you.</div><div><br /></div><div>Moana's heart is broken over Te Fiti and what Maui did to her. And after Maui leaves, her purpose and vision become crystal clear: <b>I MUST RESTORE THE HEART OF TE FITI.</b> Because if she doesn't, no one will. </div><div><br /></div><div>And to Moana, that would be a great tragedy. </div><div><br /></div><div>Moana, who sees the good in everyone around her, who loves her people and has incredible compassion for her own people, also has a heart for those who have had their hearts stolen by the world or people who were supposed to love them.</div><div><br /></div><div>Before, Moana tried to convince Maui to restore the heart. But Maui is gone. There is no one else left to do it. If Moana doesn't do it, then she can go home and enjoy the time she has left with her village and family before the darkness covers everything. And no one would blame Moana if she did that. But Moana sees something beyond herself, because the ocean called her all those years ago. So she repairs the sail and she gets ready to voyage again, declaring:</div></div><div><br /></div><div>I am Moana of Montunui.</div><div>Aboard my boat...</div><div>I will sail across the sea...</div><div>and restore the heart of Te Fiti.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>It wasn't her job, but she went anyway.</b></div><div><br /></div><div>Just because it wasn't YOU who caused the hurt, or just because it isn't YOUR job, doesn't mean you SHOULDN'T do it. </div><div><br /></div><div>And worse still, maybe it WAS you who caused the hurt. </div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe it IS your job. </div><div><br /></div><div>Regardless, we are called to dive into the ocean, swim after the heart that has been cast aside, and then make our way to Te Fiti to restore what was stolen.</div>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-37382290564066589492022-05-19T17:44:00.014-05:002022-05-19T18:04:43.079-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 7 - Maui<p></p><br />Maui. Where do I even begin? This post will perhaps contain the most spoilers for the movie. So, if you still haven't seen the movie and you made it to this one, either go and watch the movie, or skip over this one (and probably the rest of the series!).<div><br /></div><div>I think it might be easiest to go in chronological order with Maui, simply because I think it is needed to get the full picture.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOYkEv_AUi63UfudSDnGr6M4AXMkvd8NlL37mg8wkVYQ65Y0c4t7lFvs0tEn3kLI-7VgZLifMYis9KqTECkC1rg9k6NwUb3pZ1C5TZlRNZrggmvIUfvxnLsk3HvgWexm-TIktBDvo6HGZwpWppKg4NnyB_SxtXXnuIeL2nyglizu5WkEgXEuCjzzPj/s2000/part7.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOYkEv_AUi63UfudSDnGr6M4AXMkvd8NlL37mg8wkVYQ65Y0c4t7lFvs0tEn3kLI-7VgZLifMYis9KqTECkC1rg9k6NwUb3pZ1C5TZlRNZrggmvIUfvxnLsk3HvgWexm-TIktBDvo6HGZwpWppKg4NnyB_SxtXXnuIeL2nyglizu5WkEgXEuCjzzPj/s320/part7.png" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div>Maui was thrown into the sea when he was a baby. He was just an ordinary human, unwanted by his family. The gods saved Maui and gave him a magical fish hook that would allow him to turn into whatever animal he wanted. It also gave him power to create. So the legend went that he created the sun, the land, the plants, the trees, anything that humans wanted. At the heart of Maui was a little boy longing for love and approval. He had experienced a great deal of trauma when he was little. And yet, he was still compassionate towards those around him and wanted to make them happy. He became so focused on making other people happy, and he became intoxicated with how that made him feel. Somewhere along the way, Maui forgot that his fish hook was a gift from the gods and it was only because of them that he had any power at all.</div><div><br /></div><div>How many Christians have lost their way like this? Where they spend all of their energy DOING good things for God or the church, and then they revel in how much good they are doing? Look, I don't think it happens like that overnight, and I don't think it is intentional. What I really think happens is that good men and women start out with a passion for serving God.</div><div><br /></div><div>But life comes at them and the enemy comes at them. They are beaten and blown about by the winds of this world, and they put their focus on themselves. They forget to watch the one calling them out onto the water, the one who can keep them from sinking. And this happens over and over again. Until eventually, that person starts to build up walls. They embrace this false identity that they did everything in their own power. They use arrogance as a mask for the pain in their hearts. They long to be loved by the world around them, and they go to great lengths to prove they are worthy of love.</div><div><br /></div><div>Do you know someone like that? Maybe you ARE someone like that. We have all found ourselves in that place. Maybe the circumstances look different, but at the end of the day, aren't we all just longing to be loved?</div><div><br /></div><div>I love Maui for so many reasons. He was so very, very human.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have been a great source of pain in other people's lives. I hate that. I wish that I had not hurt so many people with my own pride and arrogance and selfishness. Have you ever heard it said that you are the villain in someone else's story? I am aware of so many people in whose story I am the villain, and I am sure there are other hearts I don't even know about that I trampled over. I have been Maui. I have stolen another person's heart from inside their chest. I have seen firsthand the devastation that comes when you step all over another person just to suit your own needs.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui doesn't succeed in delivering the heart of Te Fiti to his people. He is struck down and the heart (and his fish hook) are cast into the sea. Maui is then marooned on an island, where he has remained for 1000 years. He has spent all of that time plotting, planning, hoping for a way off of this island. An island that he is only on because he stole something that didn't belong to him. He deserved to be there. He had not been using the gift he had been given in a worthy manner. So he was forcefully placed somewhere he couldn't hurt anyone else. </div><div><br /></div><div>Moana finally makes it to Maui's island and attempts to introduce herself. Instead of really listening to who she is and why she is there, Maui just starts singing about how amazing he truly is. As the song continues, we begin to see that each thing Maui has done has been marked on his skin. His tattoos tell his story. For better or worse, those markings are a sign to the world of WHO Maui is. One marking even shows something done TO Maui: his mother throwing him into the ocean. It wasn't just his triumphs that were tattooed upon his skin. Maui's trauma was also on full display. It is out there, and anyone who sees Maui, who really SEES him, will have to see his trauma. They will have to see it and understand that all of his decisions have been based on his understanding of (or lack thereof) said trauma. </div><div><br /></div><div>Maui is scared of Te Fiti's heart. When Moana shows it to him, he cowers back and tells her that nothing good comes from that heart, and that there are others out there who will want to steal it. Right on cue, an angry band of coconut pirates comes to steal the heart. Maui and Moana fight to escape and keep the heart out of their greedy little hands. </div><div><br /></div><div>At one point, the pirates take Hei Hei, since this crazy chicken has swallowed the heart. Moana has to fight to convince Maui to go after Hei Hei and the heart. They turn back towards the pirates and when all seems lost, Maui once again wants to turn back. He even tries to convince Moana that the heart she is after isn't that important and she can just find a better one. <b><u>He is so far detached from what he has done (stealing the heart from the island of Te Fiti) that he doesn't even understand the weight of responsibility he has in restoring the heart. </u></b>He doesn't even see the pain he has inflicted. At this point all he cares about is saving his own life. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's easy to stop here and think how awful Maui is. Be careful. Because that's all too often where each and every one of us find ourselves. Do not become so self-absorbed that you cannot fathom being the villain of someone else's story. The minute you think you could never be, you just might be stomping all over someone else's heart unknowingly. </div><div><br /></div><div>What we might miss, if we aren't looking closely at who Maui really is, is that Maui is a hurt and scared little boy. His trauma has shaped his entire life. He was unwanted by his parents. He was thrown out like garbage. Someone came along and saw him and chose to make him into someone else. He then spent his life trying to prove to everyone around him that he was worthy of love. He went to great lengths to show people how great he was, to the point that he lost sight of his lowly beginnings and envisioned himself a god. Until one day, he did something terrible, and the consequences were even worse. Both for him and the rest of the world around him. Instead of being thought of as a hero, Moana brings with her a very harsh truth: Maui is no one's hero. What he did, in the name of heroism, caused great harm to all. Maui is shocked to learn that the world doesn't see him the way he thought they did. It is here that Moana sees her "in" and tries to convince Maui to return Te Fiti's heart. She speaks to Maui's desire to be a hero, to be loved by all, and finally entices him to join her on her quest.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui spends the rest of the movie doing two things:</div><div><br /></div><div>#1. Teaching Moana to sail</div><div>#2. Running away</div><div><br /></div><div>Since Moana and Maui are stuck together, Moana begs Maui to teach her to sail. He replies with "It's called wayfinding, princess. And it's not just sails and knots...it's seeing where you're going in your mind...knowing where you are...by knowing where you've been." Maui takes one look at Moana and determines she could never do what he is so skilled at - wayfinding. He speaks to this, emphasizing, "You are not a wayfinder. You will never be wayfinder. You will never be a wayfind..." until the ocean sticks a tranquilizer in him and he has no choice but to start teaching Moana.</div><div><br /></div><div>Remember, Moana's people were master wayfinders. That's all they ever used to do. It is something that has been placed deep inside Moana's own heart and she desperately wants to learn how her ancestors did it. This journey across the ocean will be led by a master wayfinder, by someone who knows exactly how to do it. Maui begins teaching Moana reluctantly, and then after a close call together, he finds joy in teaching her how to do what he knows best: wayfinding.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maui makes a comment to Moana after she wakes up from a nightmare saying, "A real wayfinder never sleeps so they actually get where they need to go." Did you know there is a Bible verse that says something similar? Mark 13:33 says, "Be on guard, keep awake. For you do not know when the time will come." In this case, the author was referring to Jesus' return. For Maui and Moana, it signified their destination. The idea was the same - when we are out on the ocean, it is important that our eyes are always open. It is imperative that we stay awake. It is our job to spot anything or anyone in the water. We need to always be ready to rescue. And we need to remember that this world is not our home-we need to fix our eyes on the horizon, because one day, we will get to take that final journey across the ocean and go home.</div><div><br /></div><div>Later in the movie, Moana has a heart to heart with Maui. If Maui had any say in the matter, he would have shoved Moana under the water to shut her up. It's one of my favorite scenes in the movie, because it reminds me of one of my closest friends. I have a habit of poking the bear. There are a few people in my life who do NOT like to talk. Especially when it is something that might make them feel a certain way. Sometimes I get too close, and I know because my friend will tell me to shut up, or stop talking. Or will look away, or smack me. That's my sign that we've crossed the line into too personal and I should back off. And sometimes, I do back off. And other times, I gently prod, because I know that she needs to talk. My husband is the same way. It's hard for some people to think about how they feel, let alone talk about it. We let our trauma and hang ups keep us from sharing the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves. But those are the very parts that need to be seen in order for us to truly find peace and healing.</div><div><br /></div><div>We can't be like the Maui who fought to bring life and joy to the people in the villages and lost sight of what mattered most. We can't become so caught up in doing things for and in the church or our communities that we make ourselves a god by our good works. This will result in a very self-focused person who is incapable of seeing those drowning closest to them. It keeps us distracted from our true purpose, which is to SEE the others who are lost and need a lifeline.</div><div><div><br /></div><div>We can't be like the Maui who lets our trauma direct our steps. At the first sign of danger, Maui has learned that running is the only safe option. Boy do I know this path well. We have to learn to talk about our trauma, in order to give it its proper place in our lives, so that we can truly get out there and be wayfinders. We can't truly see other people through their lens of trauma unless we first deal with the trauma that has shaped us into the individuals we are today.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>We have to be like the Maui who after running away countless times KEEPS COMING BACK. Stay in the fight. At the end, Maui came flying back in at just the right moment to help someone else fight the battle of their life. We weren't meant to go through this life alone, and we certainly don't have to do battle alone. Yes, Maui kept running away. But Maui was consistent. Maui was relentless. He got scared and he let his fears draw him away from his purpose. But each time, he came back. Each time, he dusted himself off and tried again. </div><div><br /></div><div>And that last time he came back, he did so without his hook. He had finally learned that his magic hook is not what made him who he was. With or without his hook, he was simply Maui: a human who had lost his way, kept moving forward, and taught someone else how to be a wayfinder. All of the scars of his life, the tattoos across his skin, defined him. All of the good he did didn't matter. He had to learn WHO he was, without his hook, and see that he could still fight, even if he had nothing left to offer. </div><div><br /></div><div>When Maui finally does open up to Moana and shares his heart, which included the pain of his past and his fears, Moana does something beautiful. She does something she does over and over again with so many in this movie. She truly SEES Maui. She sees past the facade. She seems the hurt little boy, who was just looking to be loved. She tells Maui, "Maybe the gods found you for a reason. Maybe the ocean brought you TO them...because it saw someone who was worthy of being saved."</div><div><br /></div><div>So, if you are still reading this, I want to say to you what Moana said to Maui, and I hope you are listening: Maybe God found you for a reason. Maybe God brought you here to show you that you are someone who is worthy of being saved.</div>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-18980877742362114802022-05-17T07:55:00.007-05:002022-05-17T08:09:15.238-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 6 - Gramma Tala<p></p>Today I want to look at Gramma Tala, Moana's grandmother. According to <a href="https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Gramma_Tala">Disney Wiki</a>, she is a "keeper of the ancient stories." She is an elder in Motunui who remembers how their people used to be Master Wayfinders who would sail the oceans, looking for new islands. She has also watched her son keep the old truths buried deep, due to his own pain and trauma, as we saw in the last post about <a href="http://www.lovingwhenithurts.com/2022/05/lessons-about-purpose-from-moana-part-5.html">Chief Tui</a>. <div><br /></div><div>Not only does Gramma Tala remember the old stories, but she also holds tightly to a hope that one day her people will voyage again, the way they were always meant to. You know, Gramma Tala reminds me of a really good therapist. Rather than give you answers to your questions, they will often ask questions, designed in a way that leads you to the answer on your own. They require you to do the hard work to make the choices for yourself about how you feel or how you will react to a situation, but they do it in a gentle and encouraging way. They can guide you to the answer that you may already know deep in your heart, but haven't been able to put words to.</div><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBqDmPPbpTGltwCo_22BqNQKjgUivO3fBFWdMGb6XuK4zlPc7c2UJDYVZQFFFLqcp3gkbpmtfDmxE7sLqZrFuee2x8iMbRQYi0H-xw-aUA9qegblNECWLFuihw_BFKf-k-TQdd1tz6f8PJzRDI0S57DS-OYbVs1rDUYUIliFDJZjdzN_NKbqf0EX2A/s2000/part6.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBqDmPPbpTGltwCo_22BqNQKjgUivO3fBFWdMGb6XuK4zlPc7c2UJDYVZQFFFLqcp3gkbpmtfDmxE7sLqZrFuee2x8iMbRQYi0H-xw-aUA9qegblNECWLFuihw_BFKf-k-TQdd1tz6f8PJzRDI0S57DS-OYbVs1rDUYUIliFDJZjdzN_NKbqf0EX2A/s320/part6.png" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><p>After Moana's first failed trip past the reef, Gramma Tala walks onto the beach where Moana is inspecting an injury to her foot. As Moana tries to hide her foot, Gramma Tala grabs it with her cane. Moana turns to the ocean and says, "He was right. About going out there. It's time to put my stone on the mountain." This was a significant event every future chief of the village of Montunui had to complete. It was sacred and deeply rooted in tradition. </p><p>Gramma Tala purses her lips and looks side-eyed at Moana and says, "Okay. Well, then, head on back." and she continues walking towards the water. "Put that stone up there." Then she proceeds to walk into the water, where she is surrounded by stingrays. She's knee deep in the water, dancing around with them, as if nothing in life were more important (perhaps it wasn't). Moana watches her, confused by her words, and starts to walk away.</p><p>But Gramma Tala, like any good therapist, says just enough to make Moana turn back towards her and ask, "Why aren't you trying to talk me out of it?"</p><p>Gramma Tala responds with, "You said that's what you wanted."</p><p>"It is," Moana says, walking back toward the village again.</p><p>As she goes to put her stone on the mountain, Gramma Tala begins talking, again saying just enough to peek Moana's interest. "When I die...I'm going to come back as one of these. Or I chose the wrong tattoo." As she turns, you see a large tattoo of a string ray on her upper back. </p><p>Moana is really confused at this point and says, "Why are you acting weird?" Gramma Tala continues dancing and replies with, "I'm the village crazy lady. That's my job."</p><p>Moana is beginning to get a little frustrated and says, "If there's something you want to tell me, just tell me!" She pauses, and then asks more cautiously, "Is there something you wanna tell me?"</p><p>She waits, hoping Gramma Tala will just tell her what to do. Gramma Tala looks back at her and says, "Is there something you want to hear?" It is at this point that Gramma Tala leads Moana to a cave that had been long walled off. She explains that there is one story that Moana has never been told. And she leads Moana to an opening that is covered in rocks. Moana moves some rocks and says, "What's in there?"</p><p>Gramma Tala replies with, "The answer to the question you keep asking yourself. Who are you meant to be? Go inside. Bang the drum. And find out."<br /></p><p>So while she doesn't tell Moana what her purpose is, she does LEAD her to learn the answer for herself. She gives her the tools she needs to do the work and become who she was meant to be. And I would say that a good therapist does the exact same thing! They can help us make sense of confusion and scary things that are too big in our heads.</p><p>After Moana emerges from the cave, Gramma Tala explains why the ancient chiefs forbade voyaging, and how the darkness in their land was growing. The plants and fish were dying, actively. Forbidding voyaging did not stop the darkness and even into Moana's day, the darkness continues to overtake the land. Gramma Tala explains to Moana that she was there the day that the ocean chose Moana and she tries to urge Moana to fulfill what she believes is Moana's purpose: to find Maui, deliver him across the great ocean, and make him restore the heart of Te Fiti. </p><p>As Moana finds herself in a place of loss and grief, Gramma Tala urges her to go, saying, "You must! The ocean chose you...there is nowhere you could go that I won't be with you...Go!" And as Moana takes off in her canoe, a shimmering light shaped like a stingray swims underneath and in front of her, as if Gramma Tala is blessing this voyage and spurring Moana on.</p><p>If you are suffering under the weight of burdens that are just too heavy, maybe it's time to do something different. Maybe the way you have done it all your life isn't working. Are you ready to start something new? To venture out into the ocean and learn who you were truly meant to be? Not who your parents or your community or this world tells you to be. </p><p><u>You are meant for so much more than feeling lost and alone in this broken world. You can heal. You can be whole again. You can find purpose for your life, no matter how much of it was spent nursing the wounds the world inflicted upon you. I know a guy. His name is Jesus. And he wants you to be whole. He wants to take your broken heart and make something beautiful grow from within. He is the only one who can come into those secret and painful places and light them up, exposing the lies and false hopes we rest in. And only Jesus can replace them with truth and grace and a hope for the future</u>.</p><p><b>10 This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” - Jeremiah 29:10-14 (NLT)</b></p><p>We all need a Gramma Tala in our lives. We need someone who remembers how our people used to do things (Act 2). Because maybe we have spent too long trying to do it our own way. Maybe it's time we stop fighting against our purpose and accept what we are meant to be. Perhaps you don't have a Gramma Tala in your life to help you make sense of this chaos out there. What then? </p><p><b>Go to therapy.</b></p><p>Please don't be afraid of counseling. Everyone needs someone who is outside of their situation to listen and offer good counsel. I know it feels so big and so scary and you are afraid of what it will reveal or say about you or the people you love. But listen, you can't start feeling better and truly heal if you are only ever trying to do it on your own. There is an entire profession devoted to helping humans understand their brain and the choices they have made in their lives. It exists because it is an absolute necessity. </p><p>Don't prevent getting help because you are scared of how you will feel. You have to reveal the injury to someone before they can even begin to heal it. Stop hiding. Stop letting your wounds just fester because you don't know any Gramma Talas. Sometimes the hardest thing is to take that first step and admit we have a wound that won't stop growing. To show it to someone else, so that they can help you heal. I promise you, one of most daunting parts is exposing the wound. Once you do that, the rest is all just part of the process. It isn't an easy road to walk, but it is the only one that leaves you with lasting peace.</p><p>We can learn a lot about life from Gramma Tala. Aside from her Godly counsel throughout the movie, her attitude towards life would have seemed just a little "off" to most looking at her. She was different. She didn't keep the same pace as the other villagers. And she was ALWAYS near the water. She couldn't resist dipping her toes in, every chance she got. She longed for a life spent IN the water. She didn't stay on the beach and watch as others tested the waters. She stepped in. She took the risk. And she stayed in the water, even when no one else wanted to. When others thought it foolish, she kept her feet in the water. She was waiting in hopeful anticipation for what was to come next. And in the end, she was allowed reprieve from her earthly journey and given her rightful home on the distant horizon. Don't be afraid to get in the water. Dance, just like Gramma Tala did. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/OMPELAmgC1E" width="320" youtube-src-id="OMPELAmgC1E"></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p><p></p></div>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-87364771938882370342022-05-13T09:08:00.044-05:002022-05-13T16:15:20.023-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 5 - Chief Tui<p></p><br /> I have a love/hate relationship with Chief Tui, Moana's father. His voice is perhaps the loudest one she hears growing up. It is the voice that is always telling her to stay in the village. The voice that says there is too much danger to go anywhere else. There is too much to be afraid of. Here is where I start to see different types of people within the village <strike>church</strike>. Actually, Cheif Tui represents where I think a lot of "church people" find themselves. Sometimes the focus of the church stays inward, and there will be those who will say that it is the RIGHT way. We bring people INTO the church. We have our members go and invite their friends and neighbors to the building on Sundays. Where is the urgent exhortation to brave the winds and waves of the mighty ocean out there to rescue all of those who are drowning? Sometimes we try to put a pretty little bow on it. Oh, invite you neighbor to church this Sunday. That's how we disciple. You invite and then if they come they come. Just keep inviting.<p>There is good within that mindset. The act of inviting and the act of continuing to invite, regardless of whether your neighbor ever comes or not. I'm not saying DON'T do that. What I am hoping to do here though is help just one other person feel the urgency to get into a boat, sail the unknown ocean, and get as many lives into your boat as you can. You are the lifeline. You aren't some cruise ship or mega yacht sailing along, asking those you come up beside if they want to come and look at your nice shiny boat. What you have to offer, from the outside, won't look too inviting. Some people will take one look at your banged up, falling apart little canoe and determine that it doesn't look good enough. They will wait for a bigger, safer boat.</p><p>But those who are drowning, who are really in need of a lifeline, they won't need to think about what your boat looks like or who is saving them. In the moment of rescue, that's all they can think about. They will latch on to whatever comes alongside them and says, "I'm here to help." And we see this in the world all the time. When pain comes in and rips apart the heart, and we are drowning, we will cling to whatever comes close to us that may offer safety or an answer. </p><p>For me, it was a man with flattering words who came along and offered me a place of safety. I leapt into his lifeboat, because at the time, if felt like he was the ONLY boat around and would be the only boat around, after years of dying on a desert island. I found myself in the middle of a rocky island that offered no fresh plant life or water, except what surrounded it. And then one day, a boat came along. But it didn't offer me rescue. It just spent over seven years sailing around my little rocky island with me, providing no true way home. </p><p>I say all of that to help explain that there are others like me who were offered a place of safety in something that was not Jesus. Maybe it was alcohol, maybe it was drugs, maybe it was sex, maybe it was food, maybe it was money. There is an endless list of things that masquerade as places of safety in our lives. Maybe you are, right now, in one of those deceptive places of safety--you know the kind I mean. The kind that promises with just one more look, one more taste, one more whatever, we will finally feel safe. We will finally find the healing we so desperately need. But when we put our trust in these unsafe places, in the end, we will find ourselves farther from our mother island than we ever thought possible.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbwX4Z9QMCLtzp4BwLZOmdgfKtWO0_3YByyMd90ldcOPz9JqSSm7Euxkl8FxQaPAWs1LWySYneuMgJVj_QwiSYwybzeckKSRu10Fu0y3tWughHey7CIZUqpEckF8TecO5TiIbP2k7p-Y4qRvhEZcNEhAM9Mu1JW5uYjJDWfHvc-Q_LMEDzACMtvkSb/s2000/part5.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbwX4Z9QMCLtzp4BwLZOmdgfKtWO0_3YByyMd90ldcOPz9JqSSm7Euxkl8FxQaPAWs1LWySYneuMgJVj_QwiSYwybzeckKSRu10Fu0y3tWughHey7CIZUqpEckF8TecO5TiIbP2k7p-Y4qRvhEZcNEhAM9Mu1JW5uYjJDWfHvc-Q_LMEDzACMtvkSb/s320/part5.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p>You know, it is always amazing to me how the wind shifts the ocean. I love floating on my back in the ocean. It only takes a few moments of floating though to drift. You will close your eyes in one spot, and 5 minutes later, you are much, much farther away from where you started. And in some cases, you have to fight to get back to the place you began. I have always found this part of the ocean fascinating. The ocean can move you so far, so fast. The ocean can also turn deadly. It might not look safe. And really, it's not safe. One of my favorite quotes from The Lion, The Witch & and The Wardrobe is when Susan is talking to Mr. Beaver about Aslan the Lion.</p><p>"Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."</p><p>"Ooh," said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."</p><p>"...Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."</p><p>The ocean isn't safe. There will always be danger on the waves. But if the right person rescues you, or better yet, you ARE the right person giving a life raft of hope to others drowning in the water, it is GOOD. Jesus isn't safe. He will ask us to give up everything that ties us to us. He will ask us to put to death all the stuff that makes us chase after the world. He does this, not to punish. He understands the risk. He himself gave up his very human body, to show us how to set sail in the ocean to rescue those who were dying.</p><p>The reason I say I have a love/hate relationship with Chief Tui is this:</p><p>I hate that he tried to force his purpose for Moana on her, to the exclusion of all other options. I hate that he allowed his own story, trauma really, to keep Moana from her true purpose. He wasn't malicious. He was a father who loved his daughter, and a chief who loved his village. There is nothing wrong with that. He had to balance the way a leader does--doing what is best for your people, even if it is hard for them. But he was also a dad and his job was to protect his daughter from harm.</p><p>But do you know why I also love him?</p><p>Because he is me.</p><p>He is you.</p><p>He is anyone who has every tried to set sail on mission for God, only to be beaten and battered by the wind and waves. He knew there was more beyond the reef. He had a call on his heart to explore the vast ocean and find new islands.</p><p>There was a rule, when Tui was young, long before he became a chief. You don't go beyond the reef. You stay in your village. There is safety in the village. But as a young man, Tui felt the calling on his heart to go past the reef. He wanted to voyage. And he had a friend who wanted to voyage with him. They went and they faced fierce storms and Tui's best friend was taken by the ocean. Tui was saved and returned home, but it changed him. He had been traumatized.</p><p>His experience solidified that it is not safe to go beyond the reef. The wind and the waves are too fierce. There is no hope of survival. He allowed the trauma he experienced to prevent him from going back into the ocean. And further, he again forbade his people from going past the reef. It was done to protect, yes. But it was done from a place of fear.</p><p>During the first five years of our marriage, while Kris battled his addiction to pornography, I was in so much pain. My heart was an open wound, and every time Kris would fall, the barely scarred over places would open up again. The pain would leak out, and it would touch everything around me. I didn't know how to stop the bleeding. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed some more.</p><p>I was SO terrified of being hurt again, that somewhere along the way, the focus of my prayers shifted. Initially, I think I did pray from a place of longing for Kris to be free so he could experience true peace with God. Over time, as my wound grew and began to abscess, my prayers became more and more inward. I would beg God to take this away from Kris. Not for his benefit. But so that the pain would end. So that I could finally bandage up my wound and try to find a doctor, so I could begin to heal. </p><p>Somewhere along the way, I began to equate my pain with God's goodness, or lack thereof. When you pray for something so long and so hard, and you aren't being renewed in spirit and mind, because you don't understand that your own pain is the place to begin, you will become weary. What at first was to be a resource to me quickly became a place of pain itself. Why didn't God answer? I knew he could hear me. I knew he could see me. Why did he want me to suffer like this? Why couldn't the pain just end? Why did Kris have to struggle in this way and why was there no way to make it stop? </p><p>I was so distracted by my own pain at this point that the very thing that should have given me hope made me angry. I began to see God not as good, but as indifferent to me. I was looking for answers and a way to be free from all the pain I was feeling. My hope began to die, little by little, until I honestly just stopped caring. </p><p>I had allowed my past, my pain, and my fear to consume me to the point that I didn't recognize the imminent danger in the grass. There was a lion there, waiting for just the right moment to devour me. He was far more patient than I was ever capable of being. This unseen enemy didn't attack when I was wrestling with my faith or trying to understand why God wasn't answering. He pounced the very moment I gave up. I stopped searching for answers. I stopped caring about my husband's soul. I quit fighting for our marriage. And that is when the trap was sprung. </p><p>That is why I love Tui. Because I understand the trap he fell into. He lost his best friend to the ocean. Pornography took my best friend from me. In his early years, Tui listened to his heart and went after with passion the great ocean. His passion likely is what enticed his best friend to follow him into the great unknown. Kris and I started out like that. Full of passion for life and God and full of hope.</p><p>The storm on the seas became too rough and Tui lost his best friend, which caused him to close himself, his entire village really, off to the outside world once and for all. I did this with my own heart as well. Kris wasn't safe, he would never be safe, and therefore by association, neither was God. So, I dug my heels in. I would not venture toward God's heart any longer. I would only stay in my own village, where it was safe. I wouldn't let anyone in or out. That was the way I thought it needed to be, for survival. I didn't know what I know now about PTSD and trauma.</p><p>I didn't realize that survival would come by surrendering to the very thing that terrified me. In order to stay in the ocean and keep exploring, I would have to become shipwrecked and allow my hull to be completely rebuilt. I had weighed it down with so many dangerous and heavy things. They had to be dumped into the ocean, and I would have to learn to sail all over again. But this time, I would do it with my Master Wayfinder, Jesus.</p><p>Don't let your pain keep you from getting back into the water. Maybe it's time to stop filling your boat with all things worthless. Jesus sees you there, flailing in the water. He is right there in front of you, reaching out and waiting for you to take his hand. Will you be so distracted from what is right in front of you that you cling to all of the other distractions in the water? None of those can truly save you. You might find you can stay afloat a little while longer, but over time, that board you are holding onto so tightly will slip away from your grasp.</p><p>And then what?</p><p>I'll tell you what happens next. When you finally stop grabbing ahold of all of the things the world says will save you, and you open your eyes and realize you are STILL DROWNING, you will see that Jesus is still there. He is still reaching down. He is still holding out his hand. And he is still waiting to pull you up into his arms of safety and peace.</p><p>It was only through Moana's obedience to her calling and purpose that Tui could finally understand the truth:</p><p>Just because the ocean could bring immense pain didn't mean that it couldn't also bring commensurate healing. His pain was no less real. He was still forever changed by the trauma of losing his friend. He was just able to finally look at it through the proper perspective. It didn't have to be the thing that defined him. He could move beyond his pain, and once again see what truly mattered, and he learned this through his daughter's example. </p><p>Sometimes we will teach our kids, and there are other lessons that God wants us to learn through our children. Isn't that beautiful? It implies a relationship between parent and child that is constantly renewing and sharpening and becoming better. Don't ever think you don't have anything to learn from your kids. Chief Tui learned just as much about being a chief and braving the ocean again from Moana as he taught her. </p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-87160703834890963802022-05-12T08:30:00.006-05:002022-05-12T08:45:10.092-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 4 - Sina<p>Today I want to talk about Moana's mother, Sina. She represents one of three voices that Moana has heard her entire life. As Moana grows up and tries to figure out who she is, there are 3 constants in her life. Her mother, her father, and her grandmother. These voices speak into her from the time she is very little, and continue speaking as she grows up and is being trained to become the next chief of her village. It is interesting to me that three voices from the same family can give three very different messages about what Moana's purpose is.</p><p>Of the advice given, none of it is bad, per sae. The choice will be up to her. There isn't a clear cut right or wrong answer for her. Her village DOES need her. She will be their chief and what chief doesn't live among her people?<br /><br /></p><p>We don't actually see Sina too much in the movie. She appears here and there and seems to be portrayed as the peacemaker in the family, and perhaps the voice of reason. She may seem like she is playing both sides, always trying to convince Moana that her father just wants what is best for her and their people, but I don't see it that way at all.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIBco9MMCx_KDy2taa9yPdb03JadRb1ZuIvb8-N4NquB-bz375MZC_toLpX4RHQH1ezUtUbVUXHDT_mf5XFzdHP8Ix0SzQGEUGolDOeTbsugXdxU4UuL4kUdOlKMRzB2VGKQ1rjnOXIKX1jZwCjN82Z9fk6MdY5GXzp0t4e6L9Zjr8n1MJSTBGewCi/s2000/part4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIBco9MMCx_KDy2taa9yPdb03JadRb1ZuIvb8-N4NquB-bz375MZC_toLpX4RHQH1ezUtUbVUXHDT_mf5XFzdHP8Ix0SzQGEUGolDOeTbsugXdxU4UuL4kUdOlKMRzB2VGKQ1rjnOXIKX1jZwCjN82Z9fk6MdY5GXzp0t4e6L9Zjr8n1MJSTBGewCi/s320/part4.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>I think that Sina wants Moana to stay on the island. Sina wants Moana to listen to her father's wise counsel because she wants to protect Moana. She knows there is an ocean out there, and she tries to help Moana see the reason behind WHY her father doesn't want her to go beyond their reef. She herself isn't sure whether it is better to stay on the island or go, but we are given enough indication to believe that she would have preferred Moana never set foot on the ocean. And yet, when the time came to either stop Moana or encourage her to go, she had to make a choice.</p><p>There is this scene in the movie where Moana has decided to leave the village and try to seek help for their dying island across the great ocean. As her grandmother lays ill, and at her urging, Moana rushes to back her bag. As she is gathering her things, she senses something and looks up to find her mother standing in the doorway. There is a look of "Uh oh, I'm caught." on Moana's face, as she wonders if Sina will try to stop her. </p><p>And then, Sina does what Moana probably needed the most. </p><p>She looks at Moana, full of compassion and understanding, and she stoops down next to her and helps her pack her bag. </p><p>She is giving silent permission for Moana to go. She doesn't want Moana to go. She is fearful and doesn't know if she will ever see her daughter again. But she also is hopeful that Moana can do something to save the village and their island. She sends her out with hopeful expectation. She is like the early churches who would send Paul and Barnabas and other missionaries off across the sea to foreign islands. They would say goodbye to their beloved community and they would set sail across the ocean, trying to save those still drowning in the ocean.</p><p>I see this in myself as a parent. When your kids become teenagers, they begin to try to figure out who they are. It can be painful to watch them make choices that are different than what we would have made. Something I am learning though is that my kids are not me, and they are most definitely growing up in a world that is far different than what I encountered at their age. The simple truth is this: my kids will not do things the way I did. The path they ultimately take to get to Jesus is not in my hands. Kris and I planted as many seeds as we were capable of, and even when we didn't do it right, our intentions were always to honor God and raise our children up to know God, love Jesus, and to look to something beyond themselves. </p><p>We may never see the fruition of the years of hard labor, trying to point them in the best direction possible. Our children have to wrestle with the faith they saw modeled growing up, and learn to deconstruct and reconstruct it in a way that points them to Jesus. Some may need quiet urging, and others may need the rug pulled out from under them. Regardless, that part will likely not be my job, and so I have to let them go. </p><p><b>I have to be like Sina, who knows there is risk in exploring the vastness of the sea, but encourages my children to go anyway, because perhaps it is out there that they will find out where their true purpose lies. Maybe the sea will shape them into who they are meant to be. </b></p><p>At the end of the movie, Sina and Tui are inspecting the plants. They are both looking down when Sina senses something that makes her look towards the ocean. On the horizon, she sees something and she takes off running. Even though she had let Moana go, she never stopped waiting and hoping for Moana's return. She was always ready, which is why she sensed Moana, before she spotted her. </p><p>Sina has within her what I want to tap into. Because she is waiting with hopeful anticipation, her eyes and ears are always open. She is waiting for the slightest rustling on the wind. The smallest change in temperature or smell. She is so ready for Moana to come home that while she can go about daily tasks, there is always a part of her waiting and hoping for Moana.</p><p>I want to be like that with the world around me. I want to always be listening. I want to do this because if I do, and someone around me starts to fall off of my boat, I can be so in tune that I notice it right away and can grab them before they go under. Beyond that, I want to be so aware of what is going on around me and so full of hopeful expectation that I can sense people drowning in the water before I come upon them, so that I can offer them rescue sooner. I want my heart to be so in tune with God and his purpose for my life that I can jump at a moment's notice into the water and go after the ones who can't reach my life raft.</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-88150122898312958502022-05-11T18:26:00.000-05:002022-05-12T09:04:22.505-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 3 - Hei Hei the Rooster & The Ancestors of Montunui<p>In this post, I am going to look at two different entities: Hei Hei the Rooster, and the ancestors of Montunui. There isn't a real connection I want to draw between both. It's just that there isn't AS much to say about them individually, so it seemed logical to combine them into one post.</p><p>Let's start with Hei Hei the Rooster. Every good animated movie has to have some silly animal sidekick, and Moana did not disappoint in this regard. From the beginning, Hei Hei is problematic. He can't seem to rooster the way all the other roosters rooster. He just doesn't get it right. He marches to the beat of his own drum. And yet, Moana is always looking out for him, and always pointing him in the right direction. She often has to put him back on course, as he gets so sidetracked while he is on mission. Look, I have never had to deal with ADHD long term. So I can't say that I truly understand what every single day would look like. All I can say is that Gabapentin has made me feel as if I have ADHD and I can see this in Hei Hei. He is always ready to go on the journey, but the distractions all around him often lure him down other paths.</p><p>Can anyone relate to that?</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLGyvTDW2V9a32TTfeffuFNE5X-UQAORqv3hKmrU2GDHor3gGnimySf6TA6NNQ8jxTPVSC_bZjDHAjznL72oFUpx1uLpreICzmZbZxK_7Dlm9LYgu6-ytde7CebS5Cdh-TzvJZupoAnm-RMgDZI1Mv_lKZvRMf4IpASaCEc2j8iBb6beQIgaoPljdr/s2000/Lessons%20About%20Purpose%20From%20Moana%20(1).png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLGyvTDW2V9a32TTfeffuFNE5X-UQAORqv3hKmrU2GDHor3gGnimySf6TA6NNQ8jxTPVSC_bZjDHAjznL72oFUpx1uLpreICzmZbZxK_7Dlm9LYgu6-ytde7CebS5Cdh-TzvJZupoAnm-RMgDZI1Mv_lKZvRMf4IpASaCEc2j8iBb6beQIgaoPljdr/s320/Lessons%20About%20Purpose%20From%20Moana%20(1).png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>There's something else about Hei Hei. He accidentally winds up on this journey across the ocean with Moana, and when he looks out and sees the ocean all around him, he just starts screaming. </p><p><b>Can anyone else relate to THAT?</b></p><p>All Hei Hei sees is the water. But Moana reassures Hei Hei. She tells him that the ocean is a friend. And instead of questioning, Hei Hei just blindly believes that what Moana is saying is true. He looks at the water, and he just dives right in. Moana actually has to go after him, because he doesn't realize he can't swim. She rescues him and puts him back on the boat. And then the minute she looks away, he tries to go right back to the ocean. There is something about the ocean that calls to Hei Hei. It's almost like something that is built deep inside of him. He can't help but dive in.</p><p>Faith has always been very hard, and yet very easy for me. It is easy in that I don't need to do a lot of research or study or debate to believe that Jesus died to save me. I have never doubted God or who Jesus is.</p><p>And if the ocean depths are representative of all that God is, then I am Hei Hei, in that I want to just dive in. Oftentimes, I just jump into things without looking. How I manage my emotions is a good picture of this. I am very reactive with my emotions. In the moment, if something happens, I don't stop and think. I don't breathe. I'm already 10 steps into the world's worst scenario in my mind before I realize what is happening and have to fight to bring myself back down to reality.</p><p>If you get to know me even a little, you will learn that I am excited about Heaven. I cannot wait to leave this broken, always-hurting body and be united with Christ. The quiet faith of my parents planted a seed in my heart, and the age old hymns which have a habit of pointing to Heaven, watered it. My life experiences, my choices, and my pain--physical and emotional--have left me with an intense longing for that Home across the horizon.</p><p>I love the way The Message version translates Revelation 21:4:</p><p>I heard a voice thunder from the Thone: "Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They're his people, he's their God. He'll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good--tears gone, crying gone, pain gone--all the first order of things gone." The Enthroned continued, "Look! I am making everything new. Write it all down--each word dependable and accurate."</p><p>I just believe that. One day, there will be a home for me in Heaven, and God will take away all of my pain. But sometimes, I get ahead of myself, just like Hei Hei. Sometimes I want to run right to Heaven and I tell God, "I'm ready now. I think it's time to go home" But each time, he has to remind me that He still has a plan for me here, and I have work to do. Sometimes when I veer off course, I am gently restored back to my purpose. And other times, I need to be forcefully put into a safe place so that I can breathe and be patient with myself and God's purpose for my life.</p><p>This leads me (not too smoothly) into talking about the ancestors of Montunui. Moana's ancestors didn't always stay in their village. In fact, we find out that Maui (the demigod who started all of the problems) used to pull up islands from the ocean and Moana's ancestors would voyage and discover those islands. </p><p>There was a time when their entire purpose was to read the sky and sail the oceans. They knew how to read the stars, and they knew who they were, and how to get back home. They always kept their home island in their minds, and in doing so, they always knew the way home. It didn't matter whether they were voyaging towards their forever home on that distant horizon, or if they were discovering other islands and creating villages along the way.</p><p>The bottom line is this: they KNEW the way. They were able to sail the ocean, between their two homes, and they knew the way to get to both. While they were alive, they discovered villages throughout the ocean and went back home to refresh and be around their community. But then after a time of rest, they would voyage again, aiming to discover the farthest horizon. </p><p>There used to be a time where Moana's ancestors and the village of Montunui freely gave of their time and energy to sail the ocean and search for more islands. It was just what they did. They didn't stay within the shelter of their own village, safe on their own island. They realized that the world was bigger than their village, and there was life to discover out there. And while they did not plunge headlong into a dangerous and vast ocean the way Hei Hei might, they still obediently sought out new islands. And they KNEW how to do it. They had generation upon generation who were taught to sail. But somewhere along the way, Moana's ancestors lost sight of their original purpose. They allowed the things of the world to distract them and pull them away from what they were designed to do. They closed themselves off, content to stay in their village, and slowly, each generation forgot, until only the oldest generation still remembers the truth.</p><p>It can no longer be good enough to stay in our village. Our purpose has to be beyond ourselves. We have to stop trying to hide in our own villages and calling it good enough. We need to realize that there is an ocean full of people out there who have been hurt by the world, and in some cases, by the very village we are content to stay inside.</p><p>Maybe it's time for someone to stand up and say, "I was called to something bigger than what is inside of this village. My purpose is to voyage beyond my own village and seek out other islands. I have a hope to offer to a broken and hurting world."</p><p>It's a bit terrifying and I have no idea what the future will hold, but I want to be one that stands up and says, "The ocean is calling me. I will go." And I want to continue to dive headlong, like Hei Hei, towards Heaven, and trust God to put me back on course when I lose sight of what my true purpose is while I am here on earth.</p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-71179746098882988712022-05-10T11:19:00.011-05:002022-05-12T09:05:27.494-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 2 - The Village of Montunui<p>I have spent over a week mulling over how to approach this blog series about my love for the movie Moana, and what I believe God is revealing to me through this beautiful film. It's hard to know how to approach something that feels so "big" and perhaps it seems crazy to you that I can find SO MUCH in one little cartoon. And yet, there's just so much in it to unpack. </p><p>I knew immediately that I couldn't write just one or two posts. As I have continued my beloved "research" as I am calling it, there are at minimum 10 different perspectives to look at: </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Moana<br />Chief Tui<br />Sina<br />Gramma Tala<br />Maui<br />Hei Hei the Rooster<br />Te Fiti<br />Te Ka<br />The village of Montunui<br />The ancestors of Montunui</h4><p>Perhaps beginning with the legend within the movie is the best place to start.</p><p><b>"In the beginning, there was only ocean until the mother island emerged: Te Fiti. Her heart held the greatest power ever known. It could create life itself. And Te Fiti shared it with the world. But in time, some begin to seek Te Fiti's heart. They believed that they could possess it, the great power of creation would be theirs. </b></p><p><b>And one day, the most daring of them all voyaged across the vast ocean to take it. He was a Demigod of the wind and sea. He was a warrior. A trickster. A shapeshifter who could change form with the power of his magical fish hook. And his name was Maui. </b></p><p><b>But without her heart, Te Fiti began to crumble, giving birth to a terrible darkness. Maui tried to escape, but was confronted by another who sought the heart: Te Kā, a demon of earth and fire. Maui was struck from the sky, never to be seen again. And his magical fish hook and the heart of Te Fiti, were lost to the sea. Where even now, 1000 years later, Te Kā and the demons of the deep still hunt for the heart, hiding in the darkness that will continue to spread, chasing away our fish, draining the life from island after island until every one of us is devoured by the bloodthirsty jaws of inescapable death! But one day, the heart will be found by someone who would journey beyond the reef, find Maui, deliver him across the great ocean to restore Te Fiti's heart and save us all."</b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6ncF10Z8PsJXJOf1xi1OYIE6l5724hrTtMoDi3M-dNDVRQEltejHv6KnQy4tZfOTASEOYMJ0ZzV9ct6RYtpUL6NAjA9onzffKyqjzRZp1weWM5izFPO5v4zEIbGI64OYYX0KO1B5XoOZntcajYtsCJUYN4HGKFyZYt_0YKaWUd04USlfN2hKB_Uv-/s2000/Lessons%20About%20Purpose%20From%20Moana.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6ncF10Z8PsJXJOf1xi1OYIE6l5724hrTtMoDi3M-dNDVRQEltejHv6KnQy4tZfOTASEOYMJ0ZzV9ct6RYtpUL6NAjA9onzffKyqjzRZp1weWM5izFPO5v4zEIbGI64OYYX0KO1B5XoOZntcajYtsCJUYN4HGKFyZYt_0YKaWUd04USlfN2hKB_Uv-/s320/Lessons%20About%20Purpose%20From%20Moana.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>One of the first scenes in the movie is Moana's grandmother, Gramma Tala, telling the above legend to a group of small children. All of the little ones listening are scared. All but Moana, who sits there enthralled. While other kids wail and fall over, Moana claps eagerly. And as Gramma Tala reaches the end of her tale, suddenly Moana's father, Chief Tui, rushes in and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Thank you, Mother. That's enough...no one goes outside the reef. We are safe here. There is no darkness. There are no monsters." </p><p>In a funny moment, he hits one of the window coverings and they all begin falling, covering the room in darkness. The children are all screaming, "The darkness!" and running around and the chief says, "No. There is nothing beyond our reef, but storms and rough seas." He continues, "As long as we stay on our very safe island, we'll be fine."</p><p>Moana's grandmother pipes up with, "The legends are true. Someone will have to go."</p><p>Chief Tui (her own son) contradicted her and replied with, <b>"Mother, Montunui is paradise. Who would want to go anywhere else?"</b></p><p>This is where I want to begin, with the village of Montunui. As Tui says, it's a paradise. Look, if I lived in a Hawaiian-type paradise, I think I would find it hard to leave as well. And yet, isn't that what we do? We settle into our villages, into our own little churches, if you will. We find safety and contentment. I hear a lot of talk in <strike>villages</strike> churches about getting "plugged in." I'm not saying that this isn't necessary. I absolutely believe it is an act of worship to get plugged in to a church where you attend and serve the community of believers.</p><p>Yet, what I want to propose is that there is a danger in becoming content in only this. We can become so busy trying to serve in the church that we forget that we ARE the church. We tend to look inward a lot of the time in general, and this very human trait has found its way into our <strike>villages</strike> churches. We can't just live in our own bubble, in the safety of our <strike>village</strike> church "home" that has the right color carpet, the comfortable chairs, and the kind of programs we want for ourselves and our kids. I'm preaching to the choir here--I had this attitude for years, especially when the kids were little and needed programs to help their little hearts learn the truth about Jesus.</p><p>We settle into our <strike>villages</strike> churches, and sometimes we forget that there is an ocean of other villages (full of weary villagers!) out there. When Moana is a child, her father has ONE job. His daughter will be the next village chief and it's his role to teach her what is important and HOW to lead. He says to her, <b>"First, you must learn where you're meant to be."</b> And just like any good cartoon/movie-musical, the village of Montunui is about to break into song! In the song <a href="https://youtu.be/RTWhvp_OD6s" target="_blank">Where You Are</a>, Chief Tui and the villagers are going to show Moana how important it is to stay in the village, because the village has everything they could ever want or need.</p><p><b>"The island gives us what we need</b></p><p><b>And no one leaves</b></p><p><b>That's right, we stay</b></p><p><b>We're safe and we're well provided</b></p><p><b>And when we look to the future, there you are</b></p><p><b>You'll be okay</b></p><p><b>In time you'll learn just as I did</b></p><p><b>You must find happiness right where you are"</b></p><p>As the song progresses, you will see Moana through the years as she grows up. She is being told she has to stay INSIDE the village and never go beyond the reef. Everything she needs is there and she is well-provided for. Why would she ever want to leave? Over and over, Moana finds herself drawn to the water. While she knows being a chief is important, and that her village needs her, she is constantly rushing back to the water. And over and over, she is pulled back to the village and reminded that she can find happiness right where she is.</p><p>Isn't that the same lie that the world tells us and the same lie that we see creeping into the heart of our own <strike>villages </strike>churches? You have to just be happy where you are. You do you and you will find happiness in that. Even inside the church, the intentions are well-meaning. Put down roots. Serve here. Find where you belong. </p><p>In and of themselves, these are not bad ideas. I think there is value in finding a community of believers to do life with. But I think there is immense danger in bringing the world's ideals into our <strike>villages </strike>churches. My previous church and the current church I attend had an outward mindset. They understood that while community within the church was important, it was far more improatnt to get out into the world, where people are actually living.</p><p>Jesus didn't eat with prostitutes and tax collectors because they just happened to come to his house. </p><p><b>HE SOUGHT THEM OUT.</b></p><p>If we are to be the very example of Jesus, then shouldn't we also seek out those who are lost and broken? Why stay in our own little <strike>village</strike> church, when there are other islands and villages out there desperately needing our time and attention, and the very light of Jesus that we carry within us?</p><p>I'm not saying every church gets it wrong. I'm not saying most churches get it right. All I am saying is that we have to start to see it differently. We have to get out of the us vs. them mentality. It isn't the <strike>village </strike>church against the world. OK, maybe these days it does look that way. But it isn't supposed to be like that. All of my life I have heard how we have to bring others into the church, into the "fold."</p><p>No. </p><p>You can judge me, criticize my thinking, or just tell me I am plain wrong, but it's not about numbers. It's not about us going and bringing lost souls to the church.</p><p>It's about coming alongside someone who is hurting and sitting with them in all the ugly, in all the pain, in all the confusion. It's loving them. It's knowing that maybe the only thing you can do is pray and the doing THAT, realizing that ANYTHING God can do for them is far more worthwhile than anything I can physically do. </p><p>What is a village if not a family?</p><p>It is a community of people who are working together to share, to know and to be known.</p><p>And since this entire series is about finding purpose through the movie, I'll say that I believe that the purpose of the <strike>village</strike> church is not to see how many seats we can fill. It isn't about building a bigger building, simply because we have more people attending than we can house.</p><p>Start a new village!! Empower the people in your village to go seek out other islands, or in some cases, entire villages that are just floundering in a harsh ocean. The ocean is rough. The wind and the waves can be deadly. But the end goal isn't to get as many people through the doors. </p><p><b>At some point, we stopped voyaging across the great ocean. We started anchoring our villages to the land, looking inward for all we needed, and then we just stopped exploring. We stopped trying to find new lands, because we were content with the family we had built, safe in our own little village that is protected from the outside world.</b></p><p>But here's the truth:</p><p>We are IN this outside world. We are a part of it. We can't escape that we live in it, and staying within our own little villages will not change the fact that there is a world around us that is in desperate need of the kind of love and grace that only Jesus can provide. </p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-13358242469545272202022-05-04T07:51:00.004-05:002022-05-10T17:16:17.434-05:00Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 1 - An Introduction<p>I love the movie Moana. It is probably, first and foremost, due to my immense love of the ocean. Seeing as how the movie is set in what I am assuming is a cartoon version of Hawaii, you can't help but have the ocean all around, and my heart is called to the ocean. From the time I was a baby, I have been around the ocean. I was born in Florida, though as a baby I didn't live near the water, instead spending my very early years in Indianapolis, then Texas, then finally settling back in Indiana when I was in first grade. So I didn't get to have the water around constantly as a child, but I always missed it--it was something set deep in my soul since my creation, as I know God knew I would need something to remind me of a power beyond myself. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEnWQJVdekGCQHW_Jd97lGLRAVWqEofpXvifCtwW7LHmk1SXUNIrfMztSUM7Mt_LcXhFDf64IxxfebXYw8HZFov5Zv-CeHt0uVu3tPDpfZKMxZahn_mlTRTGAR7R8K98JXfBIh96pgJkkTcBGDLrmhLaT9TIStRdZdV1gaw-6r_T9Tkhx8x0F3r_Ku/s2000/lessonsfrommoanaPart1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2000" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEnWQJVdekGCQHW_Jd97lGLRAVWqEofpXvifCtwW7LHmk1SXUNIrfMztSUM7Mt_LcXhFDf64IxxfebXYw8HZFov5Zv-CeHt0uVu3tPDpfZKMxZahn_mlTRTGAR7R8K98JXfBIh96pgJkkTcBGDLrmhLaT9TIStRdZdV1gaw-6r_T9Tkhx8x0F3r_Ku/s320/lessonsfrommoanaPart1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p>My grandma however lived in FL and we would visit at least every summer, and we would always go to the beach. For some reason, my soul is always settled by the ocean. When I went through a really bad depressive episode at the end of 2020, the ocean was a healing balm to me. I was old enough, the kids were old enough, and our lives were such that when I told Kris I needed the ocean, and I thought he would get me to Virginia or FL, instead he arranged a trip to Mexico and had me on the beach a week later. It was an incredible time of healing for me, and it showed me that I can find healing at the ocean. </p><p>Beyond that, it spurs me on, because I know that at the end of that horizon, at the end of my life, there is a very real place called Heaven, and I am promised a home there. So the ocean reminds me of that forever Home, and the movie Moana is an incredible picture of finding your purpose while you are here on earth, and also chasing after the horizon, stepping into the ocean, and journeying to fulfill that purpose while you are given breath here.</p><p>Maybe my connections in this movie are a stretch, and I know that Disney gets a really bad rap for hidden messages or pushing agendas. But movies are art. And you can find beauty and truth in art, and I just can't help but wonder what all truths I miss out on, when I don't have my eyes open to see them. So yes, art is subjective, and maybe you won't follow my connections here, but that's OK. Because these were given to me, by a God who loves me and knows how much I connect to the ocean. This is MY interpretation of the art that is the movie, Moana.</p><p>The movie begins with Moana as a very little girl, listening to her grandmother tell a story. It is a story as old as time. There was good, and man who thought he was also a god, stole the very heart from what was good in the land, and a darkness began to grow. The tale in this village is that one day, one of their people will journey far across the ocean to put the heart back where it belongs.</p><p>Can we talk first of all just about the imagery there?</p><p>In the beginning, there was good. Before the earth was created, and upon its initial creation, everything on the earth was GOOD.</p><p>But though man had all he needed, but he got greedy and wanted still more. So he stole the very heart from the land and evil came in and was given a place to reign. Evil has always been with us, since Adam and Eve decided to do things their own way back in the garden. Humans have stolen the heart of God and placed it in worthless things, that get our worship instead of God. And this leaves us separated from the One who gave us all we have to begin with.</p><p>But one day, there will be one who will rise up to defeat the evil and darkness once and for all and restore the heart, bringing peace and healing back to the people. JESUS!!!</p><p>So I could leave it there. I could just leave it at that intro into what God is teaching me through Moana. But there is SO MUCH MORE I want to write through, if for no other reason than to understand what I am feeling stirring in my heart.</p><p>I don't know how many parts there will be, but there is far more here than one blog post. And you know I will say in 10,000 words what can be said in 1,000, if given a chance. So, in order to really dig into what I am experiecing through this movie (and for me, this is an act of worship in a way), I am recognizing that it may need more than one 10,000 word blog post. So I will leave you here for now, with the background for this story and my take on the <strike>not-so-</strike>hidden elements within.</p><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-70777489799922267162022-05-03T10:26:00.005-05:002022-05-03T10:38:10.320-05:00Where The Enemy Belongs<div>I was listening to the song Under My Feet by Zach Williams recently, and I suddenly thought of Jesus saying "Get behind me Satan." While I did go to Bible college, I didn't retain much and couldn't quite place where that was from, so like any good former Bible college student, I Googled it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus actually said this to Peter, both in Mark 8:33 and Matthew 16:23. Jesus was explaining what was coming to his disciples and Peter couldn't comprehend that Jesus would actually die. The Bible says Peter took Jesus aside and said something like this, "Hey, there's NO WAY anything like that could/would ever happen to you!!" </div><div><br /></div><div>Peter's fear was welling up inside of him, which seems to have been a theme in Peter's life. </div><div>In terms of my sin and how I view myself, I want to be like Paul, i.e. really see myself as the least worthy of God's grace. But in my heart of hearts, Peter is a kindred spirit. He is so very human to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is the SAME Peter who, in his fear, saw Jesus walking on water and asked him to PROVE himself. Did Jesus do some miracle with his person (beyond walking on water?!?) to prove he was who he said he was? </div><div><br /></div><div>No. </div><div><br /></div><div>Instead, Jesus challenged Peter to put his money where his mouth was. Essentially, I feel like Jesus was saying, "If you want proof, you get up and take the step toward me. That's all the proof you'll need."</div><div><br /></div><div>Of course, Jesus knew Peter's heart and the fear that gripped it. And to Peter's credit, at first, while he had his eyes on Jesus, he began to walk on the water as well. It was only when Peter felt the wind around him that he became distracted and began to sink. He cried out for Jesus to save him. And what did Jesus do? He reached down and pulled Peter up and they climbed into the boat. </div><div><br /></div><div>But there seems to be this recurring "ask" with Jesus. </div><div><br /></div><div>He will ALWAYS save. </div><div><br /></div><div>He will ALWAYS rescue us. </div><div><br /></div><div>Even when we doubt. </div><div><br /></div><div>Even when we are distracted. </div><div><br /></div><div>But, he will also ALWAYS tell us the truth we need to hear. And then he will usually ask us to do one thing with that truth: believe. And sometimes, he will ask us to prove that we believe in Him, in the same way his followers asked him to prove himself, or the same way we ask God to prove himself to us today.</div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus saved Peter, but he also spoke to Peter's doubt and faith. He rescued Peter from the fear and physical danger, but he wanted Peter to see that there was a better way. To understand that when you keep your eyes on Jesus, you can literally walk on water if he calls you to do so.</div><div><br /></div><div>We could look at Peter and think he was foolish. First of all, he asked Jesus for proof. But who of us has never wanted to see a reason or proof of what we cannot see? We have all questioned and wrestled with different things. This desire for proof was not exclusive to Peter. </div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus did question Peter's faith, and rightly so. Peter had been doing life with Jesus. He had seen the miracles Jesus was performing with his own eyes. And maybe this had strengthened his faith, but he was still having trouble. </div><div><br /></div><div>So when everyone is afraid when they see Jesus on the water, and Jesus proclaims who he is, Peter is, at least, WILLING to believe. Yes, he asked for proof, but he was face to face with Jesus, and he was willing to walk towards Jesus. And then he took his eyes off of Jesus and became scared, promptly forgetting everything he knew about who Jesus really was (as I know I often do). When reminded of the truth--that Jesus was who he said he was--Peter wanted to go toward Jesus. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is courage. It might have revealed Peter's lack of faith in Jesus, but it doesn't mean Peter didn't have courage. Courage says, "I'm afraid, but I'm going to try anyway." Courage is not an absence of fear. Peter might have had a small faith, but he still wanted to be close to Jesus. If Jesus was who he said he was, then Peter wanted to do whatever he could to be close to Jesus, even if it meant stepping out into a sea of waves. Where Jesus is, fear cannot be. 1 John 4:18 says, "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love."</div><div><br /></div><div>So when we look back at the story I started with, where Jesus says to Peter, "Get behind me Satan.", we simply need to see that Jesus knew that Peter's fear was from Satan, and he wanted to make sure to put it in its proper place. Jesus understood what it meant to be tempted by Satan. He KNEW how Satan twisted Scripture to suit his purposes, because he had experienced it first hand when tempted in the wilderness. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, Jesus recognized this same thing happening inside of Peter when Peter began to tell Jesus he would not suffer and die. Peter's mind was on the world and his fear. He had allowed the enemy to enter into his mind and twist what he knew of Jesus, even though Jesus had shown him time and time again who he was. Peter simply couldn't reconcile his heart and his mind, because his fear was so big.</div><div><br /></div><div>Perhaps the devil was trying to tempt Jesus through Peter, by saying, "Oh Jesus, don't worry. You won't actually have to die in such a horrible way. It's all going to be fine." And Jesus came to show us that no, everything will not be fine. If we continue on in darkness and sin, with no atonement for our guilt, everything will NOT BE FINE. Jesus knew what it meant to be human and to be tempted, but he also showed us the RIGHT way to handle it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Yes, Peter was rebuked by Jesus. But Jesus didn't really see Peter as the enemy. He just understood that the enemy was there in Peter's mind and that Peter's fear was in control. Jesus was telling the devil he had no place there. He did not belong. </div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus was teaching us how to handle the enemy. </div><div><br /></div><div>1. We have to acknowledge that Satan is always going to be there, lurking, just waiting for the right time to attack. </div><div><br /></div><div>2. We have to remember the truth. Where Jesus is, the devil has to flee. </div><div><br /></div><div>3. We have to say or think or sometimes DO something that will put the enemy is his proper place. </div><div><br /></div><div>Because of how Jesus responded to Satan, we have a blueprint. We can put him where he belongs, under our feet.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lZtA2cA6T70" width="320" youtube-src-id="lZtA2cA6T70"></iframe></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-79107178893747344492022-04-25T11:00:00.002-05:002022-04-25T11:00:46.145-05:00A Proper Perspective <p> I want to share a little bit about a point of tension Kris and I found ourselves in this morning.</p><p>Olivia is playing Pinocchio in her school's version of Shrek the Musical and this week is tech week. Due to longer, fully costumed practices, she needs to be picked up today between 6:45 and 7pm, and I'll already be home from work, finishing my shift at home. Kris gets off at 6 usually and sometimes stays until 6:30. So even though logistically I'm closer to Olivia's school, in the moment it made sense to see if Kris could just get her when he comes home (adding basically only the ten minutes to his trip it would take me to go get her).</p><p>I also have a relationship with driving where it's a necessity sometimes, but I will avoid it at all costs. When you live with anxiety but refuse to let it overtake you, you begin to learn ways to manage anxiety and reduce or eliminate it when possible. So for me, I don't drive unless I need to. It made more sense, since Kris usually NEVER minds, for him to get her.</p><p>Enter the tension.</p><p>After Kris agreed to get her, I asked him again if he minded. Then I asked it again, a different way, surely believing that this time I would uncover the real truth: that I'm a burden to Kris and in addition to not working the hours I am scheduled for weeks on end because of my back, I'm also too lazy to drive ten minutes to pick up my own kid, who has managed to coordinate rides home for 2 weeks straight and this is the first time we've needed to get her.</p><p>This, my friends, is how my brain frequently works. And my brain will keep prodding me for reassurance, and since I'm not well-versed in telling it the right things, I keep prodding at Kris, looking for him to reassure my chaotic brain that it really is NO BIG DEAL for him to go pick her up.</p><p>Why does my brain do that? Why am I so quick to react internally before I can even take a minute to breathe and believe that I'm in a safe situation.</p><p>Recently my friend, Linda, tagged me in a post about a <a href="https://www.bialikbreakdown.com/episodes/alan-gordon">podcast</a>. First of all, if it hadn't been Mayim Bialik's podcast, (which I had actually listened to previously because I mean, I was a Blossom fan long before Amy came along...), I might not have even listened to this episode. No that's not true. I would have gotten to it in a couple years. But anyway, at first I turned it on thinking it would be just another celebrity selling some miracle weight-loss and anti-depression pill that would change my life.</p><p>Boy was I in for a surprise. Not only did they sell me that pill, I signed up to sell it and am looking for just 10 eager people...</p><p>Okay, I'm only kidding on that part. But am I really, since it changed my perspective and here I am telling people about it?</p><p>So if you don't want to listen to the podcast, in this <a href="https://www.bialikbreakdown.com/episodes/alan-gordon" target="_blank">episode</a> Mayim talks to Alan Gordon about chronic pain, as both have experienced this throughout their adult lives. It's funny because the principles he talks about are no different than what God was teaching me in March 2020, about trusting God to be just enough. So while the podcast in and of itself wasn't revolutionary to me, there was a truth I have carried with me from the moment I finished listening to it. And it has to do with this idea of feeling SAFE.</p><p>When I heard this principle used in relation to pain, I immediately saw the implications for my pain, but also how to manage my anxiety in a practical way. Look. We all want a pill or quick fix to stop the pain, whether it be physical or mental/emotional. And the Bible does give us some principles and truths we can rely on. It truly does and these are essential for the believer to learn.</p><p>HOWEVER, we want something that seems a bit more tangible. I'm realizing that in order to manage my pain or anxiety (or even grief should it come knocking, because it is just a question of when), I have to be the one to do the practical, tangible things. They don't just magically happen.</p><p>Yes, you can pray and even find great peace. That's a great first place to start, and I definitely recommend it. But honestly, the greatest and hardest work I've done has to do with reframing my perspective around whatever the issue is.</p><p>You can SPEAK truth to your mind, even if you don't FEEL the truth. If we only take the lies in, we won't recognize the truth. And the truth is sometimes so quiet out in the world. It's up to me as the individual, to not only recognize the lies, but speak Truth over them, loudly and regularly.</p><p>So what revolutionary thing did this podcast teach me? Essentially, I learned a lot more about PTSD and the body's reaction to it, and HOW to calm my brain down when it's trying to spiral the hardest. Here is the truth. </p><p>I AM SAFE.</p><p>THERE IS NO DANGER.</p><p>Listen. I get that there will be times where I am literally unsafe and in danger. But just think about it with me for a minute, if you will.</p><p>When my pain is awful and I feel like I can't stand any longer and let's say I'm in a situation where sitting is not an option (grocery store, walking to my car, etc...), I have started talking to myself, really. I literally say, "You are safe." - you will not fall over or lose all ability to walk. "There is no danger," - you will get through this and the time of rest is coming, even if it is delayed.</p><p>If you have ever studied or experienced PTSD, you know that what is happening is the person's fight or flight mode, instead of getting triggered and turning on, it's really just ON all the time. Those triggers in the normal world, in someone without PTSD, are essential warnings to the body and the brain that something isn't right and you need to react in some way to negate the threat, and you need to react now or great harm will come to you or someone else.</p><p>The person struggling with PTSD wants nothing more than to be able to relax. Fear and danger are all around. The world is learning and understanding more about PTSD and the different causes. We usually only think about it in terms of the military and war. But we are learning that years of sexual, verbal or physical abuse can cause PTSD. PTSD can be caused by one extreme incident, such as the death of a loved one, whether it be tragic and sudden or drawn out like with cancer, but it can also develop from years of mistreatment and abuse. </p><p>The more traumatic the event, the more likely the person is to experience PTSD. For many people, when they do the hard, hard work of getting help by talking to a therapist, they can learn a pathway through PTSD, and may only have triggers every so often. For others, the trauma went on for so long, or was so horrific, they will be fighting a daily battle with PTSD before we reach heaven. </p><p>But there is hope and there are things you can do right now if you are struggling. Please note, I'm not advocating that this is the way to manage PTSD. If you are suffering, please seek the help of a licensed therapist so that you can begin the journey to healing. I'm only speaking from my own experience with PTSD and sharing a new strategy I'm using to help me manage anxious thoughts or triggers.</p><p>My challenge to myself (and to you) is that the next time you find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety or fear or pain you think you can never survive, try to tell yourself, "I am safe. There is no danger." You may have to back that up with other truths.</p><p>For me, on really bad pain days, I can say, I'm safe. I am not actively in danger. There is no threat that is going to take my life and while my body is weak, it isn't bedridden and I am ultimately okay. </p><p>The same is true when my mind fixates on death and feels fearful I will lose someone I love. I can say, I am safe. Stay in this moment because you don't know if there is danger. You are safe if you stay in this moment, where no one has died. God has promised strength for tomorrow so worrying about how you will handle it if your husband dies is just making you feel out of control.</p><p>I kid you not. I have been practicing this, especially in terms of anxiety, because it has been louder than the pain. And I have witnessed physical sensations of anxiety (stomach cramping, heart racing, thoughts spinning, breathing labored) leave my body as I remind it that I'm safe. </p><p>As Mayim likes to say, "It's science!" My body senses a danger, because in 43 years my danger sensor has learned to always be on. My flight response is always triggered. It's just a matter of when. So knowing this, I have to talk my body down when it automatically tries to run from a perceived danger, say for instance, making a phone call. Yes my body literally has a visceral reaction to this. But it's a part of life and I can't avoid it. So I have to get my body back on board and reassure it there is no danger. And I have to do that over and over and over again, until my body learns to shut off flight mode unless there is actually danger.</p><p>And that was all a long, roundabout way of saying that when Kris didn't reassure me that he wasn't burdened by picking Olivia up, my mind and body reacted. I was already in flight mode so when Kris got annoyed with me for asking him a third time if it was okay, it triggered that reflex and in my mind in that moment, he also became unsafe and a source of danger to me. And then me being triggered also triggered an insecurity in him, of "Why doesn't she just believe me?" </p><p>Triggers are hard and navigating relationships after betrayal trauma can be tricky, especially when both parties have betrayed one another and both parties have experienced great pain at the hands of the other.</p><p>But my point is this. You can start a new groove. This is a concept our counselor told us about in the early days of therapy. If you spend years making a groove in a piece of wood, it goes deeper and deeper with each carving. So if your groove is really deep, but you know you need to make a new groove, and go a different direction, it doesn't happen overnight. </p><p>If you try to make a new groove from that old, deep one, you'll find that your hand automatically tries to go in the old groove. It's actually an excellent analogy for how PTSD works in the brain and body. You can retain your brain. You can make a new groove, but you have to understand that making a new groove requires hard and consistent work. You might have to fight with yourself sometimes to force that new groove. </p><p>I think it starts with going into those fearful and difficult moments and reframing it. Remind yourself you aren't in the danger your mind or body want you to think you are. That's how you stay present. You are safe. There is no danger. If you make a new groove in how you speak to yourself in those desperate moments, I think you'll find a little bit more understanding and strength to keep fighting the battle!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2315562649488543945.post-53753088422365493162022-02-25T11:01:00.001-06:002022-02-25T11:01:58.651-06:00Writing Your Own Psalms<div style="text-align: left;">Having grown up in the church, the book of Psalms has been one of comfort throughout my life. I tend to gravitate towards the ones that talk about being desperately sad, or having trouble sleeping, as those tend to reflect my own history. Sometime within the last year, a friend mentioned that he had been going through some stuff and had begun writing his own version of Psalms, to try to process what he was dealing with. He talked about how good this had been for him and encouraged those of us listening to try it if we wanted. I thought, yeah maybe I'll do that some day, and then promptly forgot about it.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">As God often does, he brings things back that we need to hear and in the last month at our own church, we have been going through the book of Psalms (focusing on a different emotion each week). A couple of weeks ago, the preacher said he had begun writing through his own emotions in the form of Psalms and for the second time, someone was telling me to do with my emotions what I usually do: WRITE. For someone who uses writing as therapy to release a lot of pent up emotion, only really writing through it every six months isn't really effective therapy. <br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">For months, as my emotions and pain have been building up again (because apparently my body has only a 2 year cap for being able to function well-ish), I have felt a need to write. And yet, I haven't been able to summon the strength and energy to do so. So it didn't come as any surprise that I found myself on the sobbing end of yet another meltdown this morning. I had felt it building for weeks so it was just a matter of when.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Today, I woke up at 3:45am with what I can only describe as a big ball of nerves all jumbled up at the base of my skull. It's unavoidable pain, constant, and has a slight buzzing to it (which is where the ball of nerves come in). It plagued me for two hours while I drank twenty ounces of water (hydration matters, especially when your body is always inflamed) and laid in bed trying to pray through it and just wait it out. But with no relief by 9am, I finally decided to get up and try a bath. <br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">As I usually do in the morning, I had my worship music playing. I was thinking about the pain and heaven and how I still have to work today and make up some hours, and I was just feeling exhausted and frustrated. I was overwhelmed and tired and trying to talk to God about it. Praying is so scattered for me when I am not actively writing the thoughts down. So as I was laying there trying to trust, trying to endure, trying to hang on, the song Even If by MercyMe had come on. I was already halfway through the song before these words began to register:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />They say it only takes a little faith <br />To move a mountain <br />Well good thing <br />A little faith is all I have, right now <br />But God, when You choose </div><div style="text-align: left;">To leave mountains unmovable <br />Oh give me the strength to be able to sing <br />It is well with my soul <br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I know You're able and I know You can <br />Save through the fire with Your mighty hand <br />But even if You don't <br />My hope is You alone</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">My sobbing began in earnest at this point, as it was the reminder I needed to hang on. To trust God, even though it was incredibly difficult to see past the pain. In that moment, I knew I needed to write through this. I share it here because for the last ten years I have laid it all out there on this blog, so why should this be any different? I am not embarrassed or ashamed at having these thoughts and fears and questioning God. That's the beauty of God. He WANTS us to come to him with our pain and fear and questions. He wants us to talk to him about it. Because when we do, he will speak the TRUTH that we desperately need to hear. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Living in this physical body is really, really hard right now. But, I have seen how God has loved and pursued and cared for me throughout my life, especially this last decade. So, even if the pain never ends before I leave this earthy body, my hope will remain in God and God alone. This Psalm is just my attempt to be completely honest with where I am at, as well as remind myself of all the truths that my heart knows but sometimes forgets when the pain is too big.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span id="docs-internal-guid-fb034ab8-7fff-b0dc-c0ea-964bfd6f3a96"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God, I'm so tired. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The pain is relentless.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It courses through my bones, seeping into my nerves and spreading throughout joints.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It never stops.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Standing is difficult.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sitting is hard now too.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can't do anything I want or need to do.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The house stays trashed all the time.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My family fends for themselves on far too many meals.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They care for me, doing basic things like refilling water and bringing things to me when I can't go to them.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't have the energy to pull myself from bed early enough to give myself a chance at working a full day. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel like I have failed so many people.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel like I am still actively failing those who need me most.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My kids. My friends. My sweet, sweet husband who has always selflessly cared for me while I feel as if I give nothing in return.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I blame myself.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I did this.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My years of running and living in darkness and sin destroyed my spine.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It doesn't matter if it is logical or even true. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I'm really honest, in my heart, I've placed it all on my shoulders.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I think about praying for relief, real, lasting relief, I hit a wall.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do I not have enough faith?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe I don't let go because I'm still trying to punish myself for what God has long ago redeemed?</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This anxiety and quickly depleting strength leaves me weak and empty.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And yet, I cry out to you, God. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I beg you for just enough relief to get through the next hour.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For just enough strength to take another step, even when that step feels like that very thing is ripping my body apart.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In tears, I plead with God for relief.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I try to have enough faith to believe you will give it.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm tired and I'm weak.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But you, God, are bigger than this pain.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are stronger than my failing body.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your answers don't always make sense. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Especially when you ask me to wait.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To keep enduring this.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you even asking that of me?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My heart is in turmoil over whether I have to endure this, or only do because my faith is too small.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you really calling me to struggle in spite of how exhausting this constant pain is?</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And yet, who am I that you owe me anything?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Isn't it I who owe you everything?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your Son, a cross on a hill, and a promise that the struggle would not be in vain.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You paid it all.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not because of a hero complex or some other false reality.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You did it because you love.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because you love me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your love is so great, you couldn't help but step in and provide us with an escape.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am grateful that you saved me. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You pulled me up out of a pit of my own making, one created to hide from pain.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To hide from you and what felt like broken promises.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I see now it was my heart in the wrong.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You broke no promises.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Life is hard and I was unprepared.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But you have always stayed the same.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is I who am constantly changing.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My hiding place, it was a false safety. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who can hide from you?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No one. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No matter how far we may try to run.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You remain the same.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Full of love.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Full of grace.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Full of compassion for me, seemingly a nobody, but one you call daughter and friend.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are my strength. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My body can't.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But you can.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You bring me gentle reminders at the exact right time.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have battled long enough this morning, Lord. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've been trying and failing to turn to you and you alone with all the thoughts and fears.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I'm here now. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Late to the game as always, I surrender. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Give me strength to take another step, today.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Give me just enough faith to trust that my body will not fail, today.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I believe, Lord. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Help my unbelief. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Drown it out so that I can only hear Your truth.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you for reaching down and rescuing me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you for teaching me that any and all punishment from you happened on that Cross 2000 years ago.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You took my place, so I could live free.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I choose to accept this pain God, even though I don't want it. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I desperately want you to take it away, but only if that is what will bring you glory.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to be a light.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When people look at me, I don't want them to see anything but you and your love and grace. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Remove everything that ties me to me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Teach me daily to give up my own wants and desires and chase after you.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Only good is found in you.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You have shown me this over and over again.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You see my pain.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You see my tears.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You see my struggle.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are right here with me in the midst of them.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You hold me and comfort me.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I don't give up.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I keep pressing on.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I chase the promise that there will be a day when all this pain is gone. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can't wait to run into the arms of the one who has held me all my life.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you, God!</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you!</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There aren't enough words to praise you for all you have done.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you for the future promise of a home with no more pain.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">May I daily live my life so that on that day I will hear you will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."</span></p><br /></span></div>Loving When It Hurtshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338549996547179187noreply@blogger.com0