Halloween Horror

I'm anxious tonight.

This is the first time I've felt fear or anxiety since Friday night.  We did my DIA  and I haven't had a chance to really write about it in depth yet.  But this overwhelming sense of peace settled over me Friday night, and stayed.

And then today, the anxiety has crept back in.

It was little stabs, here and there, throughout the day.  I was just working, so you'd think that I would have been just fine.  But that's a whole other post entirely!

Then tonight I went to the grocery store.

Read my mind!

Do you ever just wish that your spouse could read your mind?

Do you wish they would just know what you want without having to tell them?

Me neither.

In all seriousness though, I am struggling with this.

I want Kris to just KNOW.  I want him to magically have all the answers.  I want him to guess what I want without having to speak it.  I want him to be God, I guess...

And I get upset with Kris for NOT BEING GOD!  For not having all the answers.  For not doing exactly what I want, the way I want it, without me having to speak the words aloud.

Does anyone else go through this?

Psalm 32

Kris came across this Psalm a couple of weeks ago and he immediately called me and told me that I needed to read it.  Once I read it, I could see why he suggested it.  He kept saying "This is SO us!"  And he's right.  I've come to love this Psalm like no other.  It is the story of our marriage, in a Psalm.  We also really love the wording from the New Living Translation.  The parts that are in bold are phrases that really seemed to scream "Fingerprints of God" and really struck home with me and Kris.

Chaos

Chaos.

It's all around me.

It's inside of me.

It comes out in the form of anger/edginess/sarcasm...

And my husband is usually the one who bears the brunt of it.

Tonight was one of those nights.  The frustration and hurt came on without warning.  I asked Kris to do something, while I was on my way home from work.

And he hesitated before responding.

Fear

Fear dominates my life.

It isn't always in the forefront.  Sometimes it is hidden by distractions.  But it is always there.  I can't escape it.  Sometimes it consumes me.  I'll wake in the middle of the night, either from a nightmare or sleep paralysis, having just felt like someone was standing in my house.  Someone that shouldn't be in there.  And then I have to wake my husband up, have him pray with me, and then have him go through the house to make sure everything is still locked up and the children are safely still in their beds...all the time, I'm praying that he doesn't get killed.

I know it's irrational.  Much of what I fear is unrealistic.  Some of it is possible.  Kris dying.  One of the kids dying.  These are all things that COULD happen.  But, apparently, I'm not supposed to think about these things with the frequency that I do.

Love is not a fight

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived (or worse) and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such an easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 8 months ago.  8 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

Second Chances

There is a line towards the end of the movie "What Women Want" that says this:

"It's never too late to do the right thing."

Do you believe this?

I know now that there is an entire world of marriage bloggers out there that understand this truth.  Because they have all been there.  They have made mistakes.  They understand what it is like to screw up.  They've had broken marriages.  Broken lives.

And we all share something in common.

We are all surviving the aftermath of broken marriages, and have come out on the other side.  Stronger people.  Our faith in God restored.  Our marriages healed and made even better than we ever thought would be possible.

We all experienced SECOND CHANCES.

While I'm Waiting

Unlike, Courageous (which I'm not saying wasn't a good movie), the movie Fireproof was very powerful for Kris and I.  Obviously, if you have seen it, you know that it addresses the topic of pornography.  A topic that practically ruined our marriage.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Kris or saying that my affair was a direct result of his addiction.  I'm just saying that had another man not come along, something else would have pushed me to say "I've had enough.  I'm done putting up with this."

Sexy!

Around my house, my children have a problem with the word "sexy."  It has "sex" in it, and that is "so gross!"  So, if they occasionally hear Kris tell me that I look sexy (which I love when he does!) they freak out and think it is appalling.  They'll learn...some day...

All of that to say that I just really want to talk about how attracted to my husband I am.  Sure, he's handsome.  I love his balding/shaved head and his calves.  And his face, when he remembers to shave it for me.  And so many other things, physical attributes.

But tonight, I discovered something else that attracted me to my husband.

Nothing is Wasted

For anyone who has hurt, been hurt, made mistakes, or needs a little hope, NOTHING IS WASTED.  I love this concept and song!  God uses our pain.  He doesn't cause it.  But He doesn't waste it either.