Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Does Anybody Hear Her?

A friend reminded me of this verse when I told her I felt like I might wind up sharing a BIG part of my story with the blogging world.  
If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them.
James 4:17

And then, as I contemplated writing something else, I heard it.

A song came on.

A song I haven't heard in, I kid you not, SEVEN years came on JOY FM, and ended right around the time Kris and I got home from a date.

I had always liked this song, and when I heard it, I was in a better place spiritually and with my marriage.  I would listen to the song and think "Wow.  More people need to understand the truth in this song."

Little did I know that seven years ago I would altar the course of my life and start my journey away from God.  Little by little, I slipped away.  I'm going to post the video and the lyrics here, and then I'm going to write my thoughts about it.  PLEASE take the time to watch the video and read the lyrics.  I don't really care if you read my words or not (OK, maybe a tiny part of me cares).  But please take the time to watch this and really HEAR what God has to say to you through this song.


The more I think about this song and what it implies, the more I feel like God is urging me to write something I didn't want to write just yet.  I feel like I'm not ready.  But it doesn't matter if I'm ready or not, if God is the one doing the leading...right?  That is why I referenced James 4:17.  I memorized it as "He who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it sins."  It doesn't matter what version you use.  The meaning is the same.  So, if I still feel that urging once I post the song and the lyrics, well...come what may.



She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her?  Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?  Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her Prince Charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Does anybody hear her?  Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?  Can anybody see?

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
There is so much that I love about this song.  And the video was very moving.  Did anyone else tear up at the end?  Did anyone relate to the song at all?  Either from the standpoint of the girl running, or perhaps from being one of those lofty people that can't see past someone's scarlet letter?  I want to hear your answers - even if it is anonymously.  You can reply to these questions without leaving your name and no one, not even me, will know who you are.

I have written more, that I do think God wants me to share, but I feel like I should break this up into parts.   I will continue where I left off, tomorrow.  But I will leave you with this, in regards to the song above:

Seven years ago, I think I was one of those lofty people.  On one issue in particular.

Adultery.

On February 11th, 2012, no longer was I lofty.  I was the girl running.  This song speaks directly to where I was at just seven months ago.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Jamie! I have no words (well, I have lots of words but none worthy...). I can NOT wait to see how God uses you and your story!! I'm so thrilled to be on the sidelines watching, reading, and praying for you.

    Please pray for a friend I'm reaching out to... I see her running away from her husband and her three children. Seven years ago, she was a pastor's wife. Today, she is still the wife, he is an elder in our church and I feel as though I can NOT let her walk away. Every 2 weeks, I drop things off to her at her office just to remind her that I am here. I pray every day. I don't know what else to do.

    Keep on doing what you are doing!
    ~H

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    1. I really appreciate your words! I will definitely pray for your friend and for you as you minister to her. I know what it is like to want to see your friend make the right choice and feel helpless as you watch them spiral...it's hard and I will definitely be praying!

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  2. Jamie,
    I have sensed for quite some time that something was wrong, just from your posts on FB. However, I had no idea what it was. But since we've known Kris for a long time, even though we don't know you personally, I felt a strong urge to pray for you and I have been praying. Tonight, I just began to read your story as I followed the link in your FB post and it led me to this Blog site. Thank you for sharing and let me assure you that it WILL bless people and encourage someone who needs to read that they are not alone. I will continue to pray for you! ~~Susan

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    1. Thank you for your prayers. They are always appreciated. God has done some amazing things in our hearts and marriage these last seven months. I can't wait to share all the joy and miracles He has orchestrated. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It's nice to know who reads these words sometimes.

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  3. hi Jamie. I am very moved by your story of love and how God brought you back to your first love, him. the story is so beautiful and has been a reference for me to love no matter what the cost. because God calls us to love, above everything else. he is a God of restoration, redemption and second chances.. you have no idea the amount of inspiration this has given me.. I now know what love is.. a decision and not a feeling.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. That God can make beauty out of my mess amazes me. It is a decision. One we have to make every moment.

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  4. Thank you for your courage. I am just beginning my journey into transparency and back to my first love. I can't wait to see how God is working through you.

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    1. The greatest thing about being transparent has been the level of accountability it has given me. May God bless your journey to be transparent!

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  5. I live in Southern California, fat my whole life, shamed and lacking confidence. Met my husband at 21, first love, first kiss, pregnant...next few years were rough..I was feeling rejected, neglected, and I was those things. Then a man came to my work who seemed to "see" me. He was the devil in GQ clothing, was a psychologist and felt it his "duty" to take me under his wing and build up my confidence. My naivete was thick. But it was intriguing...I was leaving home, lying, just to see this man. My life was chaotic..so I taught myself how to compartmentalize. Two years pass, my first affair...then I meet another married man through a friend, which turned into a 14 year affair. I looked the part--at church, at work, with my family...no one knew my secrets. I told myself that I was getting my "needs met". Another lie. My life started to unravel during that 14 year affair around year 7. We started a new church, church ladies who loved me started pouring into me. My anxieties grew and I wasn't as successful in lying or faking stories. My world was unraveling out of control. I started therapy with an amazing counselor. She walked me through my life of shame, addiction, self loathing, and really helped me integrate myself--but I held tight to my affair...even when I wasn't satisfied, when I knew he didn't care for me...I actually was growing more in love with my husband, my heart was softening, and God was starting to work on me.It took three years of therapy--and six months after I graduated therapy, with all the "tools" in my chest, having read every Brene Brown book and self help books from the Christian book store I could find, just 4 weeks ago, I wrote the text that ended my affair. I finally told him I didn't want to cheat on my husband and that I wanted to grow in my relationship with the Lord. It was over. I have used my story, parts of it, to help other women who are broken and need to end the shame cycle. I am making up for so many years of lost time with my husband, daughter and with my King of Kings--but God was waiting for me...He was always waiting for me. Over the past five weeks, I have a new mystery man waiting for me when I get home--my Heavenly Father--I am His Beloved...Thank you for this blog. Nice to hear I am not the only sinner in this world.

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    1. Isn't God amazing? I'm so glad you finally had the courage to end it. On my own, without prodding, I never would have had the courage to ends my affair. Truth be told, if my husband had never found out, I'd likely still be struggling with all of the shame and guilt and pretending, trying to build myself up through the eyes of another man. But God is patient. So very patient. As both of our stories testify. Praise God for working healing in your marriage and family and showing you that there is always hope!

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