Thursday, October 11, 2012

While I'm Waiting

Unlike, Courageous (which I'm not saying wasn't a good movie), the movie Fireproof was very powerful for Kris and I.  Obviously, if you have seen it, you know that it addresses the topic of pornography.  A topic that practically ruined our marriage.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Kris or saying that my affair was a direct result of his addiction.  I'm just saying that had another man not come along, something else would have pushed me to say "I've had enough.  I'm done putting up with this."

But that is beside the point.

The point is, Kris and I watched the movie Fireproof shortly after it was released.  I can remember crying while watching it, feeling so depressed.  I could relate to the wife in this movie.  She was longing for her husband to quit looking at images on a computer screen and pay attention to her.  She was longing to feel loved.  She was longing to feel desired.  She was longing to feel like she was enough for her husband.  Have you ever been there?

I have.

It's a sad and lonely place to be.

And the movie shows her connecting with a man she worked with.  She didn't have an affair with him.  Not really.  But you could see her attaching herself emotionally to this other man.  A man who made her feel good about herself.  A man who listened to her.  A man who made her feel valuable.  She had not turned to God for these things.  She did what we all so often do.  She turned to whatever it was that could give her that feeling of belonging.  She had forgotten her first love.  Jesus.

And when we forget Jesus, we leave ourselves vulnerable to the enemy's attacks and susceptible to all kinds of evil.

Sometime during the first week I came home in February, we bought the movie Fireproof.  I wanted to watch it again with Kris.  With a new set of eyes.  Eyes that for him, were clear of the pornography.  And for me, eyes that were focused solely on him.

What a different experience that was for both of us!  We both cried during this movie.  Rejoicing mostly, over what God had brought us through.  Granted, I wasn't giving God so much of the praise, but I recognized that there was hope for our marriage and I knew that Kris was a different person.  I knew that his mind had been purified and he was no longer distracted by other images.  It was just me and him.  In a new light, this movie was even better than the first time we saw it.

We lay in bed talking, while the credits rolled.  Song after song had us stopping and looking up videos on YouTube.  We found so many songs that night.  Songs that really spoke to where we were.  For the remainder of this blogging half-marathon I will be sharing some of those songs here.  The first two are ones that really hit me hard that night.

The first is Slow Fade by Casting Crowns.  I have referenced this song before.  It is just so dead on.  It IS a slow fade.  People never crumble in a day.  Families never crumble in a day.  Daddies never crumble in a day.  It took us 12 1/2 years to crumble so much that the pieces were too numerous to count.  This video in particular is powerful on it's own.  Some of you will be able to relate to it.  As the person flirting with an affair, or the person on the other side.  Or perhaps, the children...

This next song is one that I had never heard until that night we watched Fireproof for the second time.  And we found a version with scenes from the movie (the first video) and the song itself with quotes from the movie Fireproof in it (that is the second video-in case you haven't seen the movie, or you want to watch both versions).  What I love about this song is that, at the time, I felt like Kris was the one waiting.  I can remember thinking about his devotion to me, and to God, and feeling astounded and overwhelmed.  I hadn't given my heart fully back to God.  In fact, I was holding it as far from Him as I could.  And I really just feel like this song spoke to where Kris was at.  To what he was committed to.  To stay faithful, while he was waiting.

And I just want to encourage those of you who are waiting for a spouse to come home, keep trusting God.  Keep praying for your spouse's soul.  Because it isn't about praying for the affair to end, if there is an affair involved.  It's about praying for your spouse's soul.  That is what should be the most important thing to you.  It is only through God breaking through to their heart that they will surrender to Him, and ultimately come home to you.  I have read countless stories of people who have been in this same position, even after their spouse has "moved on."  So if you find yourself there, don't give up hope.  Never give up hope.  Never stop praying for their heart.  Pray that the darkness will be exposed and that Jesus' light will shine through.  But more than anything, pray that they will fully surrender their heart and life to Christ.  Because until they do, they won't see the truth.  All they will be able to see are the lies.

I know.

Because for too many years, I was so blind.


What I thought was the truth was nothing more than lie after lie after lie.  It is amazing to me, looking back, how something I thought was so right, so good, so true was nothing but a powerful web of lies, disguised as truth.  And if someone had told me the truth, the REAL truth, I would not have believed.  Because until Christ came in and showed me the very real power of the Cross, until my very own road to Damascus experience, I couldn't see it.

Thank God for opening my eyes!


  1. Fireproof is a valuable movie - it speaks on so many levels. Rob and I have watched it with a number of couples, and the conversations afterward are so diverse, yet crazy good! Thank you for the song lists - you've just added to our arsenal. And most thanks for sharing your marriage journey in such a vulnerable way.

  2. There will be a few more tomorrow and Saturday! :) Music is...very much like prayer for me. So vital to my growth, spiritually and towards my husband. I love it and there have been so many songs. Can't wait to share more.

  3. Thanks Jamie. As you know, my wife and I have been down a similar road. I was also the one who hurt her in so many ways that opened the door for another man to soothe her pain. And "while I was waiting," became some of my most precious memories with the Lord. Don't get me wrong, it was a very painful time, but the prayers I prayed and the worship times were some of the most intimate times in the presence of the Lord. And it was a season where I allowed God to do so much, deep work in me. So, yes I agree, anyone who is going through that. Pray, pray, and keep praying and watch what God does. Great post, thanks.
    Jack @redeemmarriages

    1. Thank you for your encouragement to those out there in the same situation. As I type this "I Need A Miracle" by Third Day is playing...fitting...we need God to work miracles in a LOT of marriages! I'm glad that you committed to waiting and that God brought you back together.

  4. Hi Jamie.....I found your blog a few days ago, and my husband & I have been reading all of your entries together. Your blog is so inspiring, so helpful, so real, and we thank you for it. Our story is different than yours, but so eerily the same at the same time. This post is dead on......I identify SO much with so many of the things you said. We watched Fireproof when it first came out....and again just recently (we are 1.5 years out from our 'D-day') ...and the second time around was SO, so much more powerful than the first. Your story is so encouraging to me...we have had a hard time recovering, and to read about how it IS possible is so inspiring to me. Thank you for posting.

    1. Thank you for reading along Anna. I'm glad you and your husband have been reading and been encouraged. While we all have different stories, the essence of them is the same. Recovering can be difficult. I struggle with memories of that life I lived and my husband still battles temptation, but we are so much healthier than we were. We are learning to surrender the hurt, the memories, and the temptations to Jesus. We are laying them at his feet and letting him take them. It has been the most beneficial thing for us. That and the alliance we have. I can't believe we have passed the 8 month mark. A year is upon us soon and I can't wait to celebrate that milestone. I will be praying for you and your husband, as you recover. Be open to doing whatever it takes. It is possible but you both have to have willing hearts and be willing to put the other person first. Well, after God of course!

  5. Thank you for sharing your story and the fact that God has healed you. What a powerful testimony & He used a movie to start the process. Great!

    1. God used many different things to bring me back to Him and to heal my marriage. I thank Him for each thing, big and small.

  6. I have been reading this blog for a few weeks off and on. Plus listening to the music. I have never cried so have really opened my eyes. Thank you!!!