Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Halloween Horror

I'm anxious tonight.

This is the first time I've felt fear or anxiety since Friday night.  We did my DIA  and I haven't had a chance to really write about it in depth yet.  But this overwhelming sense of peace settled over me Friday night, and stayed.

And then today, the anxiety has crept back in.

It was little stabs, here and there, throughout the day.  I was just working, so you'd think that I would have been just fine.  But that's a whole other post entirely!

Then tonight I went to the grocery store.

And I was overwhelmed with this fear that I would see the OM (other man, as I have seen others refer to it).  It wasn't likely that he would be at this store in particular.  I avoid the ones by his house.  But there was still a  chance, and Satan whispered the lie into my head.  Not the lie that I wouldn't see him.  Because it was entirely possible to run into him.

The lie I heard was that "This fear is still a problem for you."

"You're not really free of the fear that I have used to keep my talons in your mind."

"My arrows will always leave you feeling weak, defeated, and afraid."

I recognized these for what they were.  Tony talked at the DIA session Friday night about how "My sheep hear My voice."  I am hearing God's voice more and more these days.  So while the devil still whispers, and I still hear him, I HEAR God.  I am His sheep.  And I hear His voice, above all others.  And I recognize the difference between the truth and the lies.

But that didn't stop the feelings (physical) of anxiety.  The furtive glancing here and there at the store, hoping that I didn't see him.  Even after I left the store, practically in tears, I still felt anxious.  I feel anxious even now, sitting at home.

However, I think I have narrowed down the reasons for this particular fear/anxiety.  After all, I will still feel fear.  Just because we did a DIA around my fear and identified the root of my fear doesn't mean that I will never experience fear.  But I am now more equipped to handle my fear and to keep it from holding me captive.

A year ago, on Halloween, I was not with my husband.

I was with the OM.

I have found myself thinking about this, and Satan is always whispering "You need to feel guilty.  How could you have done that to your husband?  You're ugly and horrible.  You're nothing."

I heard these lies this evening.

Several times.

And so I used my alliance.  The one I have with my husband.  I sent him a text telling him what was on my mind, what I was wrestling with, why I thought it was impacting me so much today.  There is freedom in that act alone.  This alliance.  Being bold enough to tell my husband something that could potentially cause him pain.  Taking a risk, that what I have to say will hurt him.  But knowing that the alternative, keeping it to myself, will allow the enemy room to work and lie and deceive.

It's interesting.  Even tonight as we were talking about it--we were chatting because the kids are still awake and there are certain things we just can't talk about out loud--Kris was saying things like "Third and most important, that while I am not happy about where we were a year ago, it is exciting when you contrast where we are today.  God is VERY good.  And knowing how messed up we once were helps me appreciate all the more how great we are now."

And do you know what my eyes and heart got stuck on?

"I am not happy about where we were a year ago."

I know with everything in me that the enemy is at work here.  So in the midst of struggling with this, I just shared it with Kris.  When we identify the ways in which the enemy is deceiving us, we are equipped to fight off his arrows.

This alliance is so vitally important to our marriage.  We would not have the healing we have had without it.  It has been a key part of our restoration.  Some people wonder how we can have grown as fast as we have. How our marriage could have healed so quickly.  After all, other couples have taken YEARS of counseling, bitterness, anger, and a lot of grace just to get to the point Kris and I have managed to find ourselves at, not even 9 months after our "D Day."

I honestly believe this alliance is a HUGE part of it.

I also believe that God has shown us an incredible amount of grace.

That Kris and I both understand the nature of sexual sin, and have been able to see our sins against one another as virtually the same, for all intents and purposes.  We could see how we each got to the places we did.  We understood the temptations and more than anything, we wanted our marriage to work.

We chose to leave our lives of sin behind.  Really, we chose to amputate them.  From the source.  Immediate and without hesitation.  We saw it as our only option.  And really, everything fell into place from there.

Sure, we've had our share of trials still, and as you can tell from this post.  I battle the enemy's lies as well, on a regular basis.  Some days are harder than others-like today.  But that's what this blog and this amazing community of writers and readers help with.

And above all, God is good.  So very good to me.  To my husband.  To my family.  To anyone who is willing to let Him move and work in their lives.  God loves us all so much more than we can even begin to imagine.

And tonight, that is what I am grateful for.  A God who loves me.  Who rescued me.  Who saved my marriage.  Who forgave me for living a life of deception for over seven years.  Who healed my busted heart and gave me something worth living for.  For thinking that I was someone worth dying for.

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