Thursday, February 28, 2013

Anger Towards the Cheater

I had an interesting conversation recently with a friend.  We've seen each other here and there, talked in person on brief occasions.  But most importantly also, we're friends on Facebook.  As happens from time to time, I get a message on Facebook that turns into a conversation, and sharing stories with other women.  I've actually lost count of the times this has happened to me over the last year.  But each time, it leaves me marveling at what God is doing through my story.  It's not me.  I'm the broken sinner in all of this.  It's all God.  Everything that happens, the glory goes to Him.  Apart from God, I can do nothing.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

Well, last night I had a friend pop me up on Facebook chat, and the outcome was the same, mostly.  She had read my story on my blog, and wanted to talk to me about it.  I was taken aback when she told me that when she first read my blog, she was mad at me.  As she read more, her anger faded and she started to see me in a different light.  Not just the cheater who ruined her marriage and wrecked her emotions, taking others down with her.  She saw the heart of who I was then, and who I am today.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Old Memories

"Look at your ring and know that I love you."

 Those are the words Kris chatted to me this evening while I was at work.


I need words.

Words of affection.

Words of affirmation.


I have not struggled with this in a year.  At least, not the need for reassurance.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Homecoming - Year 1

It's hard to believe that we are here.  One year later, Kris and I are living in the light, with each other and with God; and we are enjoying the blessings that come when you completely surrender your marriage to the Lord.  When you acknowledge that, apart from Christ, you can do nothing.  Some people say that we are strong.

The truth is, we're not.

Alone, we're weak and flawed.

We're broken sinners, trying to live in a messed up world, with messed up priorities and values.

We live in a society that says, "If it's too hard, give up."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day Can Be Rough

I am learning a lot about people who are standing for their marriages.  I've talked about it before.  Some have been standing for less than a year, some for a couple of years, some for 4 or more years, while their spouse is engaged to another person.  Can you imagine?  Can you put yourself into the shoes of any of these people and imagine how a day like today must look and feel to them?

My heart aches for these standers.  Some are beginning to lose hope.  God saw them through Christmas and New Year's.  Now Valentine's Day is here, and the enemy's arrows are shooting faster and sinking deeper than they have before into the minds of those who have chosen to stand for their marriages.  I've listened to their stories for a few months now, and it seems that they are all heavily under attack right now.  I don't think it is a coincidence that it is Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

"Is Mommy leaving again?"

What would you do if you heard those words coming out of the mouth of your eleven year old son?  Especially if you had already left your husband and children once before?

I don't know how a sucker punch to the gut feels.  I'm not even sure I know what that is.  But I can imagine that it is NOT a pleasant feeling.

Tonight, we sat the kids down to talk about something that is going to happen over the next couple of months.  The first thing Kaleb said was, "Is Mommy leaving again?"

Monday, February 11, 2013

One year later...

A year ago today I experienced one of the worst nights of my entire life.

It is a night I will never forget.

It is the night that I came home and sat on the couch, while my husband pretended like everything was "business as usual."  He had just put the kids in bed and we watched TV together, while the kids went to sleep.

And then he sent me a link in a chat.  Before clicking the link, my stomach sank and dread filled me.  Fear and chaos and confusion spread through me, as I faced something I hoped I never would.  Kris knew about the affair.  He knew who it was with.  He knew how long it had been going on.  He knew.

While I physically combated a panic attack, my heart was dead.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A New Way of Thinking

Something occurred to me this morning at church.  We sang several songs about the Cross, including "At the Foot of the Cross (Beauty for Ashes)". I leaned over to my husband and told him that I was just sharing that same song with another person this morning. I love when God does that!

The point is this: these songs usually leave me weeping, overcome by God's great love for me.  I sat there, focusing on God and the songs, and waited.  But the tears didn't come. Instead, I was just reassured (without the tears) that God is for me and always has been.

And then, the last song began.  And it is a song that I have heard many times before. It has always made me think about heaven and how one day in heaven will far outweigh all the days we spend on this earth.  And it has NEVER made me cry. 

Until today.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nothing is Wasted, EVER

Today I have the honor of guest posting again over at Intentionally Yours.
I would encourage you to check it out. Not because I wrote it, but because I am passionate about God wanting to use the pain we are currently going through to help us grow and teach us something.
In the hands of our Redeemer, NOTHING is wasted!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Refuse to Become a Slave

Lately, I've been hearing the same thing from a lot of women.  Hurting, broken women.  It isn't so much a new thing; for months God has been bringing women into my life, and using my story to speak His truth to others.  But there is just so much pain in the hearts and lives of all the women around me.  And I think God is calling me to say/do something about it.

I am learning that I have been granted this little thing called discernment.  Specifically when it comes to the lies that the enemy speaks to women.  Every single time I hear a woman say "I feel like I'm not enough" or "I hate the way I look" or "I just don't feel like I love my husband," I immediately hear the word "Lies!" screaming in my head!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Words on a Calender

Kris and I were sitting in church yesterday, and I found myself wondering why the songs we sang, which were deeply moving, did not bring me to tears.  It seems to happen at random, and some days I feel like it is happening less and less.  A slight worry sinks in, and I find myself thinking, "Am I somehow farther from God and just not as open to His hand on my heart as I have been throughout this last year?"  Then I hear a still small voice tell me that the line of thinking I was wandering down was likley from the enemy.  So, I had to just put that back in God's hand, and trust Him to move my heart, one that He has made tender and responsive, when HE wants to.  Not when I THINK it should be moved.  It isn't something I can force, but I just had this moment where I began to doubt the state of my heart.  It didn't last, and I put it back into the gentle, loving hands of my Father.

So I was surprised to find myself weeping in the middle of the sermon.  It was a comparison between our race of faith with the Super Bowl, of all things (which I will not go into at this time for the sake of not being negative speaking on my personal pet peeves).  But it wasn't even the sermon that tore at me.  I was looking at my phone and happened to see a date on the calendar.