Thursday, October 25, 2012

Read my mind!

Do you ever just wish that your spouse could read your mind?

Do you wish they would just know what you want without having to tell them?

Me neither.

In all seriousness though, I am struggling with this.

I want Kris to just KNOW.  I want him to magically have all the answers.  I want him to guess what I want without having to speak it.  I want him to be God, I guess...

And I get upset with Kris for NOT BEING GOD!  For not having all the answers.  For not doing exactly what I want, the way I want it, without me having to speak the words aloud.

Does anyone else go through this?

At least now, instead of getting angry with him, shooting daggers at him with my eyes or words, or worse still turning to another man, I go to the only one who can meet my needs.  The only one who can know what I am thinking, without me having to say anything.  God does that.  He IS.  Jesus said "I am."  And that should be enough.

No.  I don't always get it right. I'm still getting it wrong more often than not.  But at the heart of this is instead of thinking "I hate you!" I now hear God saying, "Jamie, he can't.  You have to let me be enough.  You have to let go of your anger/frustration/hurt and trust me."

(And sometimes, every now and then, I have to believe that since I am made in God's image, that God sometimes thinks "Yes, Jamie, I know he's acting like an idiot right now, but that isn't where your focus is supposed to be."  God has to have a sense of humor and understand a bit of sarcasm doesn't he?  I's a gift he's given me and if I am made in his image...just sayin'...)

I still struggle to express myself kindly to Kris when I am frustrated that he can't read my mind, but I am learning to turn to God instead.  Or rather, FIRST.  Before anything else, I find myself having conversations with God.  Prayer has become something I turn to now.  Maybe not in the way some people do.  It isn't this thing where I kneel down at the foot of my bed and have long, drawn out conversations with God.  Instead of putting pressure on myself to pray a certain way, I have learned that it is OK to just have these little conversations with God.  To say "Hey God...I'm really struggling with this right now.  Please help me."

This reminds me of something...hmm...where is it...

In the Bible!

"To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 'Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.  The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: "God, I thank you that I am not like other people--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get."  But the tax collector stood at a distance.  He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, "God have mercy on me, a sinner."  I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God.  For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.'" --Luke 18:9-14

I find myself like the tax collector.  I used to think that the way I was supposed to pray had to be this eloquent, LONG, thing.  I put so much pressure on myself to get it right, that instead, I found that I didn't want to pray.  I didn't want to feel like I was just saying meaningless words, just because I was supposed to.

I've found this intimacy with God that I've never known before, and I am still wondering at.  I'm basking in it.  There is something so much more powerful in those words "God have mercy on me, a sinner."  And that is the kind of prayer I pray now.  I no longer feel pressured to pray this way or that.

It's just me and God.

And I can tell him anything.

Or I can say absolutely nothing, and he still knows.  Because he can do what I've learned in 13 years my husband cannot:

Read my mind!


  1. I love this post, I really do. Yes, I struggle with this all.the.time. And to be honest, there is part of me that rebels against the thought that God is/should be enough. I need to squash those thoughts because God IS enough, I KNOW that.....but I guess, I still hold onto certain 'expectations' that my husband is part of that equation, and he will be enough, too. Thank you for the very timely reminders to me.....again, I find your blog so refreshing.

    When I read this: "God have mercy on me, a sinner", it reminded me of something funny that happened yesterday. I have a 2 year old, and we were having a rough afternoon (she has a bad cold)...I was having a tough time dealing with her, and put some praise music on and snuggled her on my shoulder. Unfortunately, I can't remember the song, but at the end of every line, I whispered "Lord have mercy, I need mercy." She lifted her head and said, "Buy some at the store? Can I come with you?" "To buy what, honey?" "Some mercy, Mommy. Need some mercy!" It made me laugh, and I felt like God packaged that little piece of mercy in a loving way. =)

    1. I love the way God uses our children sometimes to teach us these things. So sweet! Thank you for your kind words.

  2. Well said... and I love that passage from Luke. It is a tough thing, because it's tempting to think that if your spouse would be able to read you and give you what you want / need without you asking, then it would somehow mean more.

    The irony of course is that if you would vocalize your desires, over time your spouse would potentially be able to read you better, and act accordingly.

    I pray we would all learn to be more transparent and willingly vulnerable to our spouses - and more discerning as well!

    1. Yeah it is amazing how if I would just ASK, I know my husband would do what I am wanting (in his own time and own way) but it would seemingly be a lot easier to see results than to be frustrated because he can't read my mind. It would be easier just to tell him or ask or whatever, but something...pride I think...all too often gets in the way.