Friday, October 19, 2012



It's all around me.

It's inside of me.

It comes out in the form of anger/edginess/sarcasm...

And my husband is usually the one who bears the brunt of it.

Tonight was one of those nights.  The frustration and hurt came on without warning.  I asked Kris to do something, while I was on my way home from work.

And he hesitated before responding.

And in that moment of hesitation, I did what I always do, and I misinterpreted his intentions.  He was distracted by the kids and a movie and who knows what else, and I took his hesitation personally.  I believed that he definitely did NOT want to do what I asked him to do, and so my feelings were hurt.

As soon as he said "There is just a lot going on right now" I became defensive.

I said very curtly, "Fine.  I'll talk to you later. Bye."  And hung up the phone.

And Kris had the nerve not to call me back. Not to send me a text or chat.  NOTHING.  He was ignoring me!!

See how this all gets worse and worse?

And I knew it was happening.  I knew that I was being irrational and that my need to feel reassured by him was one that I wasn't going to get.  Not from him anyway.  So I started praying.  I asked God to help me.  To change my heart.  To change my attitude.  I asked Him to help me, when I got home, to react the right way.  And not the way I so often do.

Yet, even as I was driving, listening to music and praying, the distractions were there.  I passed a certain exit on the interstate that usually trips me up. It holds a lot of memories, and lately on that drive to and from work, I have been able to drive past it without even seeing it.  I've had victory in this area, and while it may not seem like much to you, it is to me.  So, in the midst of trying to do the right thing, I was inclined to look up.  And there it was.  That exit.  The one that always reminds me of my past.  

In my head, I said "Screw you Satan."  

Then I went back to focusing on praying.  That is when the memories tried attacking.  Not memories so much as just thoughts about that old life.  Nothing nostalgic.  Just thoughts.  And I was frustrated.  Because that isn't what I wanted.  I wanted to stay focused on God.

He gave me a reprieve then.  In the form of the song by Casting Crowns called "If We've Ever Needed You."  So of course, the chorus had me in tears and I was crying out to God, desperate to feel His hand.  I continued praying, but kept feeling a pull towards the distractions.

When I got home, Satan whispered lies into my head.  I HATE the lights being turned out while we watch movies.  The kids and Kris love it.  I also happen to hate when the front door is wide open at night.  These are some of my irrational fears, by the way.  So guess what I found when I pulled into my driveway? 

It was dark outside.

All of the lights were out.

And the front door was wide open!

But Satan doesn't just stop there with the whispers.  With the lies.  I can't just feel fearful, can I?


This is the thought that enters my mind:

"They're all inside.  And they are dead.  They've been murdered."

No joke.

And I immediately recognized the enemy lying to me, trying to hold me captive to my fear.  I stayed in my van for almost 10 minutes, just listening to the radio and trying to pray.  Trying to change my attitude because I could still feel the tension towards Kris and I really didn't want to come home and start the weekend by being a raving lunatic.

So, what happened?

I came home and began acting, not like a raving lunatic, but just a normal lunatic.  I was actually half in control of myself, but I couldn't stop the tension from building and coming out of my mouth.  Kris was trying to hug me, not even realizing I had hung up on him earlier.  He thought we were good.  He quickly found out this was not the case.  I kept shrugging him off, making it clear that I did NOT want to be touched.

But there was some progress eventually.  I was standing in the kitchen crying, and this time when Kris tried to put his arms around me, I let him.  And I laid my head against his chest, allowing myself to give up the frustration and tension, and and let him hold me (highly unusual).  And he asked me, eventually, if I was OK.  I did the usual and shrugged "I don't know," which essentially means "Not really, but I will be and we're good."

Then I got on Facebook, per the nightly ritual, and found a post by Jennifer at The Unveiled Wife.  The caption to her post caught my eye and I just really wanted to share it with my husband.  Kristopher, I love you and I'm sorry.

"Surely, the Lord gave you to me so that I could feel anchored in all this chaos."

Thank you for being my anchor, Love.


  1. So important to see the lies for what they are, and fight against their intrusion. I wrote a poem about that once, a while back. Let me know if you'd like to read it.

    1. Yes. I can't believe how deceived I was before. It is incredibly important to recognize the lies.

  2. Stumbled in here through Scott Jones' blog and am glad to see how you & your husband approach marriage. Especially that you can experience some really tough times and determine that divorce is not an option. Thanks for a great example :-).

    1. Thanks for stopping by Mike! God has done a great thing in our marriage, and my heart. It's been a fun and chaotic journey!