Playing With Fire

My heart hurts this morning.

I see things.  I read them or hear them.  And they break my heart.

You cannot understand this pain if you cannot relate to it.

I can relate to it.

Playing with fire, as we should all know, is extremely dangerous.

You could get too close and get burned.

Falling Slowly

From the moment I discovered Glen Hansard and The Swell Season, I was in love.  The music is just amazing.  Glen's voice gives me chills.  And when he sings with Marketa Irglova...I just can't explain it.  Their music is incredible, and it moves me.  Some of you not familiar with these artists may have at least heard the song "Falling Slowly."  It has grown in popularity in the last couple of years and it is mesmerizing.

How do you say "I'm sorry"?

"I'm sorry."

Probably the two hardest words for me to express verbally to my husband.

Couple that with a difficulty to also say "I forgive you" and we can sometimes find ourselves at an impasse.

When Kris and I have a "heated" discussion, I will readily admit that the majority of the time, it is Kris who does the apologizing.  It isn't a stubbornness.  It isn't because I am not sorry.  It isn't because I haven't recognized the enemy at work in our relationship.  I am not sure that I can even put words to it, except to say that I find it extremely difficult to verbally, with my words, tell Kris "I'm sorry."

I will sit, my body language saying everything but "I'm open and willing to work this out."  See the couple in this picture below?  THIS is what I'm talking about.  This is an example of this type of body language that tells Kris "Houston, we have a problem."

Irrevocable decisions

A question to answer:

What is a decision that has irrevocably changed your life?

The first thing I wanted to do when I read this was laugh.

I thought "Haven't I been writing about this very thing?"

I could say that the thing that irrevocably changed my life was choosing to have an affair.

Or maybe that I chose to continue that affair for over seven years.

Or that I left my husband and family back in February.

Where The Healing Begins

About three years ago, I had become very disenchanted with the church we had been attending.  Of course, we all know PART of what contributed to that.  When you are in the midst of hiding an affair, it is difficult to be at church, is it not?  It was for me.  Beyond that though, there were not many families with children that were our age and I wanted more for my kids.  You'd think I could have seen the distortion there-and I did-but I chose to ignore it.

Without Running Away

I heard a song this week for the first time.  It seems so appropriate for the point I was at in my life, between February 19th and April 6th.  You will soon learn the significance of April 6th for me, but not just yet.  But this song...man this song...

Communication 101

Kris and I saw this the other day when we were waiting for our counseling appointment.  At first I was like "No.  That's not true!  I am responsible for what you understand."  But then, the more I thought about it, and discussed it with my husband, I reconsidered.

I AM responsible for what I say.

Broken Girl

As you have read in previous posts, I was a very broken girl, with a heart that I felt was beyond repair.  The fact that my marriage was healing after everything Kris and I had put each other through was itself a miracle, and perhaps it should have been enough for me to turn my eyes towards God and acknowledge His hand at work.

But I wasn't ready.

Fear held me down.

Guilt and shame were my shackles.

Homecoming

I would love to tell you that the night I went home to Kris, I also went home to God.

But the truth is, I did not.

The wall I had built up to keep God out was solid.  Set in stone.  Not going to budge.

But I will tell you this.

That night with Kris was one of the best nights of my life...at that point in time.  We talked.  I'm sure I cried.  A lot.  He loved me.  He really, really loved me.  I can't even express in words how happy he looked that entire night.

The Ugly Truth - Part 3

The Ugly Truth - Part 1
The Ugly Truth - Part 2

I ended the last post with this:

"As sad as it is, that is where I found myself on February 11, 2012.  Not grieving over the pain I had caused my husband.  Not caring that my marriage was in shambles.  But worried about how I would say goodbye to this other man.
That's the brutal truth.
That is where my heart was."

The next few days went by in a blur.  Kris found out on a Saturday night.  Things were awkward, to say the least.  We carried on as normal, on the outside.  Dealing with the kids, being a "big happy family."  But as Kris and I tried to work through things, and he assured me that we could still make it work and things could still be OK between us, I grew more and more uneasy.

The Ugly Truth - Part 2

In my last post, The Ugly Truth - Part 1, I left you with these words:

"But I was wounded.  And I never really healed and experienced God's grace and forgiveness.  I knew about it, cognitively.  But my mind and my heart were so disconnected from each other.  And it became something that I would wrestle with for the next seven years."

I have wrestled with whether or not to share this next part of my story on here.  Prior to now, I didn't feel like it was time.  Sometimes I wonder if God wasn't just grooming me to start this blog, and share that part of the story here.  I do not feel the same resistance and hesitance I felt before about sharing this next part of my story.  Perhaps it is partly due to the fact that Kris and I have twice now shared our story "officially" in front of a group of people.

So, it is with my breath held that I am about to plunge forward into this second part of my story.

The Ugly Truth - Part 1

Does Anybody Hear Her is an introduction to this series and sets the scene for the next few posts.

As I ended the last blog, I told you that seven years ago (really 8 now) I was one of those lofty people who couldn't understand how could ANY woman have an affair?

Men seem to have affairs all the time.

And we seem to accept that and are, for some reason, more easily able to forgive them.

But if a woman commits adultery, why do we judge her so much more harshly than we do men?

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

Does Anybody Hear Her?

A friend reminded me of this verse when I told her I felt like I might wind up sharing a BIG part of my story with the blogging world.  

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them.
James 4:17

And then, as I contemplated writing something else, I heard it.

A song came on.

A song I haven't heard in, I kid you not, SEVEN years came on JOY FM, and ended right around the time Kris and I got home from a date.

I had always liked this song, and when I heard it, I was in a better place spiritually and with my marriage.  I would listen to the song and think "Wow.  More people need to understand the truth in this song."

Loving When It Hurts

It all began on June 5, 1999.

That is to say that the wedding took place that day.

Our life together began, officially.

Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
    like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
    rivers cannot sweep it away.
Song of Solomon 8:6-7

And while we didn't know it at the time, a full-scale war for our marriage began that day as well.

We were young and "in love."

And we were stupid.