Monday, December 23, 2013

What Can I Offer?

I'm sitting in my living room, thinking about the upcoming Christmas holiday. I was off work today, which was rare and very appreciated, after working the entire Black Friday weekend. I don't often get a chance to get on here and write as often as I would like, even though there have been many things to write about. But tonight it seemed appropriate to go ahead and take the time to share what's been on my heart these days.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

We Have Never Been Alone

As I grew up, moving into adulthood, I couldn't always say with certainty that I was never alone. When the kids were really little, and Kris was in the height of his addiction, and my affair was in full swing, I waivered. Not just in my one on one relationship with God, but with trusting His word as true. I had become so distant and very skeptical. Because of my sin and disappointment and the pain in my life, I questioned whether or not God was good. Whether or not he was faithful. Whether or not he truly could be trusted to keep his promises. What I have learned these last *almost* two years is this:

Until you go through the deepest valley or the hardest circumstance, and God proves himself faithful even then, you don't realize how truly "un-alone" you are.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Another Christmas

Christmas is my favorite time of year. From the music to the tree, to the joy of watching my kids experience what, to them, is still the wonder of Christmas. Christmas is all about hope. It's about that ultimate gift of hope that was given to us 2,000 years ago. In the form of a tiny baby. Jason Gray writes, in his song "Children Again:"

But for every present left under a tree
There are things that we hoped for and never received
And the years and the yearning can make us forget
To be filled with wonder instead of regret

Saturday, November 30, 2013

We Bring The Kingdom Come

It's no secret that Jason Gray is hands down one of my favorite singer/songwriters. So, imagine my joy when I heard a new Jason Gray song last week, quickly followed by a little sadness upon learning the album itself wasn't coming out until March! Only a few words/notes in, I knew this song would become a favorite. It shouldn't surprise anyone that this song made me cry the first few times. The second verse alone was enough to undo me, emotionally.

There's silence at the table
He wants to talk but he's not able
For all the shame that's locked him deep inside
Oh, but her words are the medicine
When she says they can begin again
And forgiveness will set him free tonight
As heaven touches earth

Monday, November 4, 2013

Our Hands Are Equally Skilled

Well, it's not Sunday, but Jon Foreman of Switchfoot has been singing in my head for a week and I just need to share.  I have had this song playing over and over in my mind for days - the words speak deeply to my heart and the poetry and truth hidden within this song resonate with me.

But I couldn't really explain why this song in particular was on my heart.  Until tonight.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Broken Hallelujah

The Afters have a new song out right now.  I've been hearing it all week and just love the message in it.  Have you heard "Broken Hallelujah?"  I feel like this is where I am at right now.  Kris and I have entered this new phase of counseling and have gone deeper.  Tony compared it to surgery.  There is a problem, and in order to fix the problem, a surgeon has to literally take a knife and cut into it, and then rip out what is bad.  It is only through that process that healing can come.  And as great as it would be to just go from point A - having the injury - to point Z - healing - we have to walk through all of the other steps. We have to go through all of the phases of healing in order to be whole again.

Monday, October 21, 2013

My Heart Is His

I have had an emotional weekend, to say the least.  It began on Saturday with a gruelling counseling session.  Afterward, Kris and I spent some time talking and trying to work through this next phase in our healing.  It amazes me - just when I thought we had it all together, I am proved wrong.  We have come a long way, only because of God's grace, but it was a shock to me to realize just how much farther we had to travel on this journey.  We're trying to learn how to communicate with one another in a healthier way, and it may prove to be the most difficult trial of them all!

Marriage is hard.

No wonder a lot of people give up.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Beautiful Things

I talk a lot about pain and using the pain in our lives to minister to others.  This past weekend, I had an opportunity to use my own pain, my own story, in a women's prison.  While it wasn't the first time I had given my testimony or shared my story with others, it was the first time I had done it alone (without Kris).  And it was definitely my first time entering a prison, let alone talking to a group of women.  It was really such an incredible experience.  I didn't write down everything I wanted to say and then read it.  Kris had helped me write an outline and I did have that up there with me, but really, I just talked.  Because I know the story already, I just stood up there and spoke from my heart.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

It's Not About The Nail

These last two and a half weeks have been difficult to say the least.  I hope to write a post (eventually) with more detail on what all has kept me away from writing but for now, this will have to do.  Life has been chaotic and thrown our family some curves, but we are weathering through it.  Some changes have had to be made and are still in the process, but I feel like we are (God-willing) through the worst of those particular trials.  I'm ready to get back to writing, and hopefully I will be able to find a rhythm with writing again.  A promotion and new "normal" hours at work (instead of 10-hour days where I work until 7pm!) are going to put me in a position to make that a reality but right now I am just trying to adjust to the new schedule and balance the extra time I now have with my family.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Switchfoot Sunday #2

In October 2004, when Kris first found out about the affair a few months in, I was a mess.  It was the beginning of my life spiraling out of control.  I was such a wreck.  As always, I turned to music.  Honestly I probably would have died if I hadn't had music to fall on.  I wasn't in a place where I knew how to fall back on God after the mistakes I had made, and music was the only thing that gave me a sense of hope and comfort.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Switchfoot Sunday #1

For over a decade, I have been obsessed with Switchfoot.  They are a band of surfers from California; unable to make it as professional surfers, as lead singer Jon Foreman says in their film "Fading West," they decided to start a band. It was the best decision they could have made.  Their music has changed my life.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

It's Okay To Let Go

Your deepest heartache is never so great that God cannot handle it. He can be that soft place to land.
Today, I'm writing at Intentionally Yours again.  It's hard to let go.  Most of the time, we don't know what that even looks like.  I have a suspicion I am on the right track.

Monday, September 16, 2013

What Are You Looking At?

I was listening to a book a couple of weeks ago called Sisterland.  While I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone, there is something I wanted to talk about that was in it.  It has to do with the choices that we make, and further illustrates how the steps we take into sin can shock us.  We sometimes find ourselves in the middle of a mess, before we even understand that we have made a mistake.  It isn't always this way.  Sometimes we sin because we have developed habits that gratify our sinful nature.  But there are times when it seems like we unwittingly jumped off a cliff and can't sense the danger until our feet have left the ledge.  Sometimes we make choices that leave us shaking our heads thinking, "This should have been harder.  I should have seen warning signs."

Thursday, September 12, 2013

You Are Not Alone

This is a topic that I will eventually expound on, as a lie that women believe.  For now, I wrote about being alone over at Intentionally Yours.  You can find that article here:

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Use My Pain

Loving When It Hurts has reached its first milestone - this blog was created one year ago today, in fearful obedience to God's calling on my life to share my pain.

To set aside my pride.

To risk being gossiped about.

To be vulnerable.

And to tell the truth.

There had been too much darkness.

Too many lies.

For far too long.

It was time to share the ugly truth about my life.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Mom Guilt: I'm A Failure

Most of you know what in talking about when I use these two words: mom guilt.  Moms have a tenancy to feel guilty about everything.  This is something that, despite all that I have learned, I still struggle with.  When faced with this guilt, a common lie that we believe is this:

I'm a failure.

When the kids were younger and I was a stay at home mom, life was extremely difficult.  I had three children under the age of three, for what seemed like ten years!  I was tired all the time, battling depression, and I yelled.  A lot.  Truthfully, I still yell.  It is a daily battle for me.  At that point in my life, especially after adding a fourth toddler in the mix, there was always a lot of guilt cluttering my mind.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Make Up Sex = Emotional Sex

Most adults know what I'm talking about when I say "make up sex."  If you have ever fought with your significant other and then later made peace, you understand the feelings of desire that rise up after a big fight.  Once the conflict has been resolved, it is not uncommon for a couple to experience intense longing for each other that ultimately leads to the ever-popular make up sex, which (for us) has always been the most enjoyable sex of our marriage.

I'm not going to be bashful about this: I enjoy sex.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Scandal of Grace

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that Cross


What have you done?


For Me.

On that Cross.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

When You Want To Give Up

I still can't get over the way that God works in allowing me to partner with Intentionally Yours.  Today I'm writing over there and I hope you'll check it out, as I share about what you should do when you want to give up. 

Monday, September 2, 2013

Lies Women Believe

I tried to contain this topic to just one post, and I find that it continues to spill over into my life each day.  Maybe it's a comment someone makes, or in an email I received, or a comment on a post.  Women everywhere believe so many lies.  And what they don't realize is just how toxic these lies are.  Many times, they don't even realize that they are lies.

As my husband and I talked about these lies, we came up with an idea for a series about the lies that women believe.  Posts focused on individual lies that I myself have wrestled with over the years and have learned how to refute.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Love is Hard

Can anyone else relate to that?  I know that I can.

Jason Gray has a song called "Fear Is Easy, Love Is Hard."  To say that I love this song would be an understatement.  I can really relate to this song.  Especially when he speaks to this feeling of fear.


I used to live with so much fear.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Is God Real?

Lately, I have found myself questioning faith.  No, not questioning my faith.  Just faith in general.  I've been thinking about it in terms of being on the outside looking in.  From the viewpoint of someone who cannot understand how us "crazy Christians" can believe something so absurd.  That there is one true God who loved everyone with reckless abandon.  That there was a man, that same God's son, who walked the earth, lived and breathed.  That he worked miracles and spoke words that sounded insane.  That he died on a cross meant for sinners, though he had not sinned.  That he rose from the dead, by the power of his Father, and now lives in our hearts.

When I think about it for too long, I start to wonder how it is that I can believe the way that I do.  And I start to think about the other religions out there.  What makes Christianity the one true religion, and not just another in the long line of religious beliefs out there?

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Dreaded Sex Talk

I'm not one to write lengthy blog posts about great sex or ways to improve intimacy within marriage through sex.  While I believe that it is vitally important and a wonderful gift from God, I'll leave that to the other Christian bloggers out there who are as passionate about that topic as I am about hope and freedom and redemption.

But I do want to talk about sex.

Specifically when it comes to how it impacts my children.

Because this world scares me.

Monday, August 19, 2013

My Weight Made Him Stray

I have written before about the lies that we, as women, believe about ourselves.  This lie hits very close to home for me, as I have battled gaining then losing, gaining and losing again, over and over again.  And recently, I have been hearing these same sentiments from other women lately and I just can't let it go without writing my thoughts on it.

Here is the lie:

If only I hadn't gained all of this weight, then my husband would want me.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

That man still fights!

It is amazing to me what a night of sleep (or even a few hours) can do for your soul.  Somehow all the weight of the world and the hurt and sadness get lightened as your body does what it is naturally supposed to do: sleep.

Last night I was feeling really low.  Kris and I had ended the evening on a negative note and he went to bed, while I stayed out in the living room crying and writing.  It is so hard in the midst of hurt feelings and pain to see beyond it.  Last night, I knew that all was going to be well.  I knew that in the morning my perspective would be different, fresher.  But in the moment, I allowed my sad, negative emotions to just be present.  Why is it that we derive some sort of sick pleasure out of wallowing in our misery?  What is that all about?

Friday, August 16, 2013

Control or Be Controlled?

I'm really struggling right now.

In this moment, and just in general.  My pain has been out of control, and I have resorted to taking the pain medication, which unfortunately impacts my emotions.  It makes me edgier than usual, and I just don't feel like myself while taking them.  I get angry quicker (if that's possible!), and I lash out at the slightest annoyance.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to put into practice this idea of having control over my emotions.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Consider it PURE joy

Exactly two months ago, I was in the hospital recovering, after have two discs in my neck removed and fused.  The journey to get to surgery was a grueling, four year long battle with doctors and pain.  Never once during that trial did I consider the pain to be JOY.

Most of that time was spent living as a prodigal, enslaved in an affair that lasted for many years.  Those who have never experienced or endured chronic pain have a hard time understanding how someone can sit around and do nothing all day.  They call it lazy.  They call it undisciplined.  They don't understand how hard it is to even sit up in the morning, much less get out of bed and try to get through another pain-filled day.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Am I unforgiveable?

Am I unforgiveable?

This is a question that I wrestled with for a very long time.

I had shoved God aside.   I had my reasons.  They weren't good ones. But they were my reasons; my excuses. And when Kris and I reached our lowest point in February 2012, a breaking point really, I finally began to open my eyes. At first it was just one eye, barely open.  As days and months went by and I saw God's hand at work in my life, in Kris' life, and in our marriage, I decided it was safe to open both eyes.

And now, I make every effort to live my life with my eyes WIDE OPEN.

Throughout my entire life, I've struggled with forgiving myself.  I've carried the burden of shame and guilt alone; shame and guilt that has built up over the last 20+ years of my life. And after 20 years, it gets to be unbearable.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Navigating the "What Ifs"

I'm sitting here at Busch Stadium, surrounded by 40,000+ people.  And still, this anxiety plagues me.  This fear that I will run into "him."  It is ridiculous, the power this has over me. 

As much as I "preach" about avoiding the "what ifs" in life, I struggle.  I may have conquered fear, as a whole.  Or rather, God delivered me from the powerful grip it held on me.  But that doesn't mean I don't fall prey to fear and anxiety from time to time.

This used to happen a lot.  Actually, each time I left my house, I was filled with an irrational fear of running into that man.  And as God worked in my heart and freed me from bondage to fear, it happened less and less.

But lately, I find that fear creeping back in.  I go to the grocery store, any in the St. Louis area, and I worry. I find myself thinking "What if he's here?" 

A Husband Speaks Out

I have asked Kris before if he would share his perspective on "us" on my blog. He has never had the time to sit down and write. Unlike me, where I can sit and write 1,000 words in less than an hour, it takes Kris much longer. He thinks, and rethinks. Types, deletes, types again, etc...

The outcome is always amazing writing from him, but it isn't as easy for him to just sit down and bear his soul-as it is a very time consuming process. So what I want from him in that regard, to share part of our story from his point of view, is not as easy for him as it is for me. But as I wrote in my last post, I was really struggling with something that had happened on Thursday.

Friday, July 26, 2013

REALLY Loving When It Hurts

Tonight, as I reflect back on the title of this blog and how it came about, I can see how aptly named it is.

I write tonight from a place of pain.

My heart hurts.

I found out something tonight that made me feel as if the floor had dropped out from under me.  Fast and hard.  In one moment, I was fine.  And in the next, everything changed.  The moment I had been dreading for almost a year and a half became a reality for me.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Try or Give Up

Today I'm posting over at Intentionally Yours.

This idea of trying has been on my mind a lot.  Well, really since I decided to risk it all and fight for my marriage.  This last almost-year-and-a-half have been full of getting back up and trying.  All day at work we have the radio on and I am constantly hearing the song "Try" by Pink.  So, inspired by the lyrics, as shocking as that may sound, I set about writing this post:  Find it here:

Thursday, July 18, 2013

I'm SO tired of asking!

I can't get that thought out of my head that I wrote about on Tuesday, how I tend to learn things the hard way.  I love the song "Need You Now (How Many Times)" by Plumb.  And let me begin with this:  that song never ceases to stop me dead in my tracks and evaluate my heart, my motives, and my desire to fully understand the depth and meaning of it.

As I was listening today (JoyFM listeners-it truly was the "right song at the right time," like so many others), for the first time I connected it to this concept of learning the hard way.

Back before I began building my walls to keep God out, which exposed my heart to the enemy's clutches, I prayed and prayed and prayed away the chains of addiction in Kris' life.  I begged God to hear me, and to free my husband from the pornography that held him hostage.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

You Are More

We are all broken.

We all have things in our past that we would like to forget.

Things we don't want anyone to know about.

It is hard to be vulnerable, and to share with someone else the depth of your heart, especially when it comes to the choices you have made.  Or the decisions that perhaps led you down a path you wish you hadn't gone.  Sometimes, it isn't even your choices that placed you where you are.  Much of the time, life happens to everyone.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Your Love Is All I've Ever Needed

As some of you know, Big Daddy Weave's song "Redeemed" plays a part in my story.  Countless times I go back to it.

For perspective.

For reassurance.

For sheer musical enjoyment.

Last week, when I heard it announced on the radio that they had another song out, I immediately turned the volume up.

I knew immediately that the sound was great!  I listened and thought it was pretty good.  But then, when that chorus hit, any semblance of emotional stability I had been maintaining fled.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Ultimate Showdown

I began writing a post earlier, to discuss my adoration for Jason Gray's music.  He is an amazing lyricist and almost every song he has speaks to what I've gone through.  What I wound up writing about was what I've shared before about his song, "I Am New."  I wasn't happy with posting it here again, even though it was completely different in thought (as it is several months later), so Kris (SMART GUY!) suggested I submit it for posting over at Intentionally Yours.  When he said that, it just made sense.

So now, I can share a DIFFERENT Jason Gray song with you.  One that has spoken to me recently and has such profound lyrics.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I find you when...

...I fall apart.

I think about the song "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson often.  I go through periods of heavy attack.  Satan shoots arrows, filled with poisonous thoughts, at my mind, at random intervals throughout the day.  They have become easier to fight off, and it is almost second nature to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.

But sometimes a sadness creeps in, and the enemy uses these moments to attack.  He really does pounce like a lion, waiting to devour his prey.  Satan is fierce.  He does NOT want me to turn to Jesus.  I can remember a time, about a year ago, where I was feeling extreme sadness.  I headed to church for VBS, and I just felt like I was going to cry at any moment.  Kris wasn't there yet and I was overcome with a heavy weight of sadness.  But I had to pull it together.  I couldn't just walk around crying could I?

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

But I felt so alive...

The grass always looks greener on the other side.  Do we ever stop to think why?  Maybe it's because we neglect our own grass...sometimes we stop watering it and it dries out, sometimes we let the weeds grow instead of pulling them out and sometimes we fail to recognize that new seeds need to be planted where the grass has become bare.  In order for something to stay in bloom you have to nurture it, no matter what side of the fence you're on.

- Joy Maniscalco

I am just over a year into what I consider to be recovery.  From the moment I stopped carrying around all of my guilt and shame, and understood that those same weights are what Christ came to die for.  I was not in a good place when Kris found out about, and confronted, my affair.  I was broken beyond repair.  I could see no way to fix myself.  I could see no way to fix my marriage.  I could see no way to fix my children's spirits, who no doubt had been affected by the years I spent in duplicity.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Is the grass greener?

Feels like I'm born again
Feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

- Third Day

I can remember a time in my life that I felt alive.  

It is amazing how you can go through life, hanging on. 

Barely hanging on.  

Monday, July 1, 2013


I love writing.  I really do.  I love the way that the tension or joy or passion that builds up inside of me just explodes onto the page.  And the way that I feel when I am done.  Like I have been emptied.  In a good way.  Like I have held in something to the point where I can take it no longer, and then I can sit and just let it all out.  Let it all go.  Writing is therapeutic for me.

For several days I have been feeling down.  Not depressed.  But not happy either.  I have seen posts on Facebook that make my heart ache.  Posts that swing from one topic to the next, from a large collection of people in my social circles.  And I am sitting here trying to process WHY I feel saddened.  And I still don't have an answer.  I suspect that a large part of it is simply the fact that I was ready to get back to work (which I did today).

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Begin Again

This is not the way that it should end
It's the way it should begin
It's the way it should begin again

Those are lyrics from a song by Colbie Caillat I heard earlier into my marriage restoration process.

This concept of all the pain and fighting not ending the relationship.

Using them to start over.

To begin again.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Breathe my heart back to life

I would like to think that, with everything I have gone through in my life thus far, nothing can hurt me.

I'd like to believe that something can happen, and it can just roll off of me, causing me no distress.

I'd like to believe that I've gone through the worst pain I could go through in my life; therefore, I will never hurt again.

At first, acknowledging that the above statements just won't ring true leads me to feel weak.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Where is God in the Pain - Part 2

It is hard to think about living the rest of my life in physical pain.  If I could choose for it to just magically go away, I would choose that.  I think a lot about my past, my story.  And I can see how God has brought about beauty through the ashes.  I can say that, while I am not proud of my past, and I wish that I hadn't hurt the people I hurt, I don't regret what has come from it.  I am the person I am today because of my story.  Through the pain and all the running, God has done amazing things.  In my heart.  And in my marriage.  At times, I feel overwhelmed just thinking back through the last year and a four months.  It is a whirlwind.  And through it all, I am so grateful that Kris and I weathered the storm and have the story to tell that we do.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Where is God in the Pain? - Part 1

I can't say that I sit around questioning God.  I've always been the type to just believe.  God said it.  It must be true.  When there is trouble in this life, I accept that it is nothing more than something we should EXPECT.  We shouldn't be surprised and be so quick to blame God when we feel pain.  Whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, we will feel pain.  We will experience trouble and heartache.  We shouldn't be shocked when something bad happens to us or others around us. 

Are we entitled to feel pain and anger and sadness over the things that this life holds for us? 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Up through the concrete

I felt my stomach drop when I heard my husband telling me that he had "messed up" last Friday.

We always talk over at least one of my breaks, and I didn't expect to hear those words coming from his mouth.  I am filled with anxiety when I hear these words, as I am sure he is having to tell me about it.

It used to frustrate me and make me angry to find out my husband was looking at pornography on the internet.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

What will you choose?

I love what God is doing in my life.  I love the opportunities God has given me to use my story.  I have a unique and scary-to-me opportunity coming up in June to go to a women's prison to share my story.  Holy cow!  More on that later...

Another opportunity I have, as you've read before, is being able to write periodically for Intentionally Yours. I'd love for you to check out my latest posts there:

What Will You Choose - Part 1

What Will You Choose - Part 2

I really appreciate all the love and support you have shown me, through reading, encouraging comments, and all the prayers!  Thanks guys!!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Can you learn to love again?


I think, for some, the answer to this question is no.

Some things are too hard.

Some betrayals you cannot heal from.

At least, that is the common thought these days.

But me?  I think you can learn to love again.  I think that you can come back from the dead, in a sense.  You can revive something that is old, worn out, and used up.

Monday, March 25, 2013


There is a question out there that I want to speak to, because #1. I know the answer and #2. It is a question that entirely too many people are asking themselves and others, desperate for an answer.

"Does my prodigal spouse realize the mess they have created?"

The answer to this question is both simple and complex.

I've heard it a lot in the last several months. Those hurting right now because their spouse has been unfaithful, or is an alocholic, or porn addict-this is the question they want answered. They want to know why their spouses are seemingly so much happier than they are, even though their spouse is the one living in sin. I don't propose to have an answer to the why of that, but I do understand how a prodigal's mind works. I know what it is like to be in the shoes of the prodigal who is living in sin and darkness.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Giving up the Crutch

I love Josh Wilson.

He is an amazing lyricist.

So real.

So transparent.

His songs "Savior, Please" and "Fall Apart" have been ones that have nurtured me through this new season of growth in my life.  Recently, his testimony about his song "Carry Me" and how he wrote it out of his own anxiety and experience of panic attacks has really spoken to me.

I am the queen of anxiety.

Monday, March 18, 2013


I know it might surprise you to hear this, but I am NOT flexible.

Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of being flexible.

For 13 years, Kris and I have been having the same fight.

It's exhausting.

Fortunately, the issues that we fight over are not spiritual or moral ones.  However, it is something that I am tired of fighting over.


We fight over work.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Leaning How to Die

About a year ago, I said the last words I would ever speak to the other man.  While the affair had ended, and I hadn't seen him in a week and a half, we did talk.

One last time.

It started over something stupid.  I initiated the conversation, expecting a simple answer.  Instead, what transpired was a 30 minute phone conversation.  We talked about our lives, and the huge changes that had taken place since we said goodbye on February 19th.  We talked about the Power of Purity conference I had attended days prior and how we felt about each other, about letting go, about saying goodbye.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Anger Towards the Cheater

I had an interesting conversation recently with a friend.  We've seen each other here and there, talked in person on brief occasions.  But most importantly also, we're friends on Facebook.  As happens from time to time, I get a message on Facebook that turns into a conversation, and sharing stories with other women.  I've actually lost count of the times this has happened to me over the last year.  But each time, it leaves me marveling at what God is doing through my story.  It's not me.  I'm the broken sinner in all of this.  It's all God.  Everything that happens, the glory goes to Him.  Apart from God, I can do nothing.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

Well, last night I had a friend pop me up on Facebook chat, and the outcome was the same, mostly.  She had read my story on my blog, and wanted to talk to me about it.  I was taken aback when she told me that when she first read my blog, she was mad at me.  As she read more, her anger faded and she started to see me in a different light.  Not just the cheater who ruined her marriage and wrecked her emotions, taking others down with her.  She saw the heart of who I was then, and who I am today.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Old Memories

"Look at your ring and know that I love you."

 Those are the words Kris chatted to me this evening while I was at work.


I need words.

Words of affection.

Words of affirmation.


I have not struggled with this in a year.  At least, not the need for reassurance.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Homecoming - Year 1

It's hard to believe that we are here.  One year later, Kris and I are living in the light, with each other and with God; and we are enjoying the blessings that come when you completely surrender your marriage to the Lord.  When you acknowledge that, apart from Christ, you can do nothing.  Some people say that we are strong.

The truth is, we're not.

Alone, we're weak and flawed.

We're broken sinners, trying to live in a messed up world, with messed up priorities and values.

We live in a society that says, "If it's too hard, give up."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day Can Be Rough

I am learning a lot about people who are standing for their marriages.  I've talked about it before.  Some have been standing for less than a year, some for a couple of years, some for 4 or more years, while their spouse is engaged to another person.  Can you imagine?  Can you put yourself into the shoes of any of these people and imagine how a day like today must look and feel to them?

My heart aches for these standers.  Some are beginning to lose hope.  God saw them through Christmas and New Year's.  Now Valentine's Day is here, and the enemy's arrows are shooting faster and sinking deeper than they have before into the minds of those who have chosen to stand for their marriages.  I've listened to their stories for a few months now, and it seems that they are all heavily under attack right now.  I don't think it is a coincidence that it is Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

"Is Mommy leaving again?"

What would you do if you heard those words coming out of the mouth of your eleven year old son?  Especially if you had already left your husband and children once before?

I don't know how a sucker punch to the gut feels.  I'm not even sure I know what that is.  But I can imagine that it is NOT a pleasant feeling.

Tonight, we sat the kids down to talk about something that is going to happen over the next couple of months.  The first thing Kaleb said was, "Is Mommy leaving again?"

Monday, February 11, 2013

One year later...

A year ago today I experienced one of the worst nights of my entire life.

It is a night I will never forget.

It is the night that I came home and sat on the couch, while my husband pretended like everything was "business as usual."  He had just put the kids in bed and we watched TV together, while the kids went to sleep.

And then he sent me a link in a chat.  Before clicking the link, my stomach sank and dread filled me.  Fear and chaos and confusion spread through me, as I faced something I hoped I never would.  Kris knew about the affair.  He knew who it was with.  He knew how long it had been going on.  He knew.

While I physically combated a panic attack, my heart was dead.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A New Way of Thinking

Something occurred to me this morning at church.  We sang several songs about the Cross, including "At the Foot of the Cross (Beauty for Ashes)". I leaned over to my husband and told him that I was just sharing that same song with another person this morning. I love when God does that!

The point is this: these songs usually leave me weeping, overcome by God's great love for me.  I sat there, focusing on God and the songs, and waited.  But the tears didn't come. Instead, I was just reassured (without the tears) that God is for me and always has been.

And then, the last song began.  And it is a song that I have heard many times before. It has always made me think about heaven and how one day in heaven will far outweigh all the days we spend on this earth.  And it has NEVER made me cry. 

Until today.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nothing is Wasted, EVER

Today I have the honor of guest posting again over at Intentionally Yours.
I would encourage you to check it out. Not because I wrote it, but because I am passionate about God wanting to use the pain we are currently going through to help us grow and teach us something.
In the hands of our Redeemer, NOTHING is wasted!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Refuse to Become a Slave

Lately, I've been hearing the same thing from a lot of women.  Hurting, broken women.  It isn't so much a new thing; for months God has been bringing women into my life, and using my story to speak His truth to others.  But there is just so much pain in the hearts and lives of all the women around me.  And I think God is calling me to say/do something about it.

I am learning that I have been granted this little thing called discernment.  Specifically when it comes to the lies that the enemy speaks to women.  Every single time I hear a woman say "I feel like I'm not enough" or "I hate the way I look" or "I just don't feel like I love my husband," I immediately hear the word "Lies!" screaming in my head!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Words on a Calender

Kris and I were sitting in church yesterday, and I found myself wondering why the songs we sang, which were deeply moving, did not bring me to tears.  It seems to happen at random, and some days I feel like it is happening less and less.  A slight worry sinks in, and I find myself thinking, "Am I somehow farther from God and just not as open to His hand on my heart as I have been throughout this last year?"  Then I hear a still small voice tell me that the line of thinking I was wandering down was likley from the enemy.  So, I had to just put that back in God's hand, and trust Him to move my heart, one that He has made tender and responsive, when HE wants to.  Not when I THINK it should be moved.  It isn't something I can force, but I just had this moment where I began to doubt the state of my heart.  It didn't last, and I put it back into the gentle, loving hands of my Father.

So I was surprised to find myself weeping in the middle of the sermon.  It was a comparison between our race of faith with the Super Bowl, of all things (which I will not go into at this time for the sake of not being negative speaking on my personal pet peeves).  But it wasn't even the sermon that tore at me.  I was looking at my phone and happened to see a date on the calendar.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Family Tree

I received an email recently from a woman who is living with collateral damage.  And while emailing back and forth, it occurs to me that I need to share this with everyone. 

It's never too late. 


You know, Kris is teaching our son to avert his eyes.  He is teaching him that there is so much sex out there.  He is helping him to understand that it is not good for his eyes to view it.  Something will come on TV and my son will say "Eww..." and turn away.  He wonders why people would dress the way the do. 

When Kris was Kaleb's age, he was looking for something to watch on TV that showed women in tight clothing.  He was fueling his mind with what would turn into two decades of addiction.  From generation to generation, men have passed their sin and addiction onto their children, even if they didn't realize they were doing it.

But that stops with us.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

New Group Coming

Yesterday, I had another blessed opportunity to write a post for Intentionally Yours.  You can find that, post, entitled "Without Running Away," HERE.  In addition to that, I feel like God is calling me to pray for different people, in specific detail.  Many of whom I have found on the Intentionally Standing Facebook page.  I want to pray for them by name, and I want to pray for you too.  If you have a prayer need, please leave it in the comments below, or message me.  I would love to add you to the list of people that I am praying for.  Part of my call is to write, and another part is to pray.  So, give me what you need prayers for and let's work together to achieve God's will!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

For All The Prodigals (and those that love them)

This post is written to both the prodigals running from God, and to those who love the prodigals.  It is not directed at any one person, but is a response to a heaviness on my heart for all those who are standing for their marriages, and it is my hope that you can gain a better understanding of what may be going on in the heart and mind of your lost one.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

All of Me

While at work last week, while I had Google music shuffling, I heard Matt Hammitt's "All of Me."  I shot Kris a quick chat, to share with him how grateful I was that we were together, and tears welled up in my eyes and I had to just say "I love you.  I can't talk about this right now."  I was at work, and I have only been there three months, so a complete meltdown at my desk may not be a good sign of emotional stability!

Then the next day, as I was sitting in my van, reading an e-book about sex of all things, I found myself on the brink of tears.  I can't explain why that should move me to tears, and as I tried to understand what I was feeling, the closest I could come was that perhaps I was just grateful once again for Kris and everything that God has done in our marriage these last 10+ months.

This week I have received several emails of encouragement, where women have heard or read my story and are finding hope.  So, while sometimes some may consider what I share to be too much, I know that I am doing what is right, what God has called me to.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The question of why

I've been hearing the same question over and over again lately. 


Why do I have to wait?

Why is this so hard?

Why can't my marriage just be whole again, NOW?

Why would I have to wait for years for God to do what I have been asking for?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Making new memories

Last night began a 24 hour birthday celebration for my husband, Kris.  A few days ago, I told him that I couldn't even remember what we did last year for his birthday.  He responded, with a sad look in his eyes, "I do."  It was then that I remembered we had spent the evening with friends that he would rather forget.  It brought to the forefront of my mind all of my sin and shame, as I remember WHO it was that had shared his birthday with us.  So ever since then, this thought of making new memories has been on my mind.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Whatever You're Doing...

Today is a hard day.  I can't explain it fully, because I am not even sure I understand it myself.  It started yesterday, and I really feel like it is God pressing down on my heart.  There is something He wants me to see.  Something He wants me do.  And I don't know how to do it.  I mean, I've been doing it for nine months, as I have been drawing close to God, but I can tell that He wants something more.

He wants me to pray.  More than I have been.

It may not seem like much to you, but what He wants me to pray for is crazy. 

Okay, maybe "crazy" is a little extreme.

For two days, I have felt this heavy weight on me.  Yesterday, as I thought through it all, the enemy was quick to attack.  I had a really difficult drive home from work last night.  Different thoughts and memories came flooding into my mind.  The enemy was whispering, "Go ahead.  Indulge.  Just a little.  Remember." 

I was screaming inside, "I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!  It's too horrible.  What I did was so shameful."


Since I started this blog ministry in September, I have been blessed so much by the many devoted men and women I have met (virtually anyway).  People committed to God, to marriage, to offering hope to a broken world.  One of those people I am growing closer to is a woman named Sherry, who manages with her husband (and I believe one other couple) a site called Intentionally Yours.  The subtitle on this website is "Until every home is a godly home" and I just love that.  What a great goal to have for a marriage ministry!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Communication Skills

To some, communication is a dreaded word.  Feared even.  To others, who are practicing it regularly, it can sometimes just seem a minor inconvenience.  I would love to find the person who tells me that communication is EASY.  I'm not just talking about spewing forth your feelings in a raging outburt, with no thought for how the words will be taken by the hearer.  I'm curious if there are any COUPLES specifically that think that communication is the easiest part of their marriage.  For most of us, I would venture that communication in and of itself is the most difficult aspect of making a marriage work.  Kris and I can communicate left and right.  Especially on the little things, or even spiritual matters.  Even about our past.