Broken Hallelujah

The Afters have a new song out right now.  I've been hearing it all week and just love the message in it.  Have you heard "Broken Hallelujah?"  I feel like this is where I am at right now.  Kris and I have entered this new phase of counseling and have gone deeper.  Tony compared it to surgery.  There is a problem, and in order to fix the problem, a surgeon has to literally take a knife and cut into it, and then rip out what is bad.  It is only through that process that healing can come.  And as great as it would be to just go from point A - having the injury - to point Z - healing - we have to walk through all of the other steps. We have to go through all of the phases of healing in order to be whole again.

Since my neck surgery, I have had residual shoulder pain and stiffness.  Some days I feel as if the neck pain was just moved down into my shoulders and will never get better.  I find myself becoming very impatient of the healing process.  It seems to be taking forever, and it is hard to get through some days, physically.  There are things I can do that give me some relief:  a hot shower, walking, just being up and active (which is difficult at a desk job!), getting a massage.  But then the shoulder pain comes right back.  Sometimes it consumes me, and I get frustrated.  And I think, "I should feel better by now."  Then I remind myself that I just had surgery 4 months ago, and I know that it is absurd to think that after a surgeon dug around inside my neck, took out the bad and added good for extra stability I would instantly feel great.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work in MY time.  I have to struggle through the pain to get to the healing.  I have to go through each phase of the process and I have to WORK at healing.  There was the initial healing that surgery brought, a decrease in the amount and type of pain I had felt for 4 years.  And then there are the stages of pain that come through healing.  I just have to be patient and do my part to help the process.

I don't know about you but letting someone cut into my neck and play around in there seems like putting myself through enough!  I'm ready to just feel better altogether.  And it isn't that I don't feel ANY better.  I do.  A lot.  I feel like I have been given my quality of life back.  Before surgery, I was functioning at 25%, at best.  Now I feel like 75% on bad days, and upwards of 90% on the good days.  So, there is improvement.  But I want to feel 100%.  I want to sit without pain, or do daily tasks without pain.  And I want it to happen NOW.

And yet, I realize it doesn't work like that.  Life isn't that easy.

And love, also, isn't that easy.

Marriage is anything but easy.  If it's always easy, maybe we're doing it wrong?

Kris and I are at that next phase in healing our marriage right now.  We are fighting a lot. Not because we have built up frustrations and hurt, but because we are trying to give each other equal room in the relationship.  It means that I have to step back and let Kris express his feelings.  And it means that he has to express his feelings at the risk of me being hurt.  The reality is that I can handle it.  God has made me new and given me a heart for Him.  And in doing so, I have become tougher.  I am stronger, because I am relying on Him.  And hearing that Kris is frustrated or annoyed with me, while not pleasant, isn't devastating to me like it used to be.

But what we are finding is that our fighting, while very productive because we are finally communicating on a much deeper level, is leading to a lot of tension and hurt feelings.  Misunderstandings abound and we are trying to navigate through them.  We are not mature enough in this process to always put each other first.  I hope we will get there.  I think we will.  But right now, we have to make the mistakes we are going to make, so that we can grow into the people God has created us to be.  We are both equally stubborn. And so far, I've gone to bed hurt more times in the last 2 weeks than in our entire marriage.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  Because I understand that to get to the ultimate healing that will come from learning to communicate in a healthy and Godly way, we have to struggle through the pain and hurt.  And it's worth it to me.  "Love is not a fight.  It's something worth fighting for."  I believe that with all my heart.  I have lived that and experienced it.  As I wrote a few weeks back, sharing a song by Jon Foreman/Switchfoot, "Love ALONE is worth the fight."  These songs both imply that in love, there will be a fight.  A struggle of some sort.  And they both express the same outcome-that it's worth it.  It will always be worth it.

In the meantime?  While I feel the pain of healing?

I offer my own broken hallelujah to God.

I will always sing.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.