Marriage is hard.
No wonder a lot of people give up.
But, I am fortunate to have been given a second chance to learn that if you work hard enough, and if you forgive much, you can weather the storms. And not only do you weather them, you can come through on the other side with so much joy and peace and contentment! That's what many people working to rebuild their marriages, who give up just a little too soon, are missing out on. I'm not implying that those who give up on their marriages cannot find joy and peace and contentment.
I believe that God works all things out for the good - meaning (to me) that He can take any situation we are in and use it to heal others and be glorified. He doesn't just want people to stay married forever because they took a vow to do so.
No.
What He wants is deeper than that. He wants sincere and willing hearts. People who decide that they just cannot survive on their own, that acknowledge their great need for Him and His love. Hearts surrendered completely. Those who live that way moment by moment understand that the other trials of this life will work themselves out. That's not to say there won't still be pain, as Kris and I are continuing to learn through counseling.
But it's really about holding our hearts out, giving them freely to the God who created them, who wants to fill us up as no human or worldy object will ever be capable of.
In addition to a draining counseling session, I took our youngest daughter out for a one on one date. It was her turn, and each week I let the child I happen to be with choose what we do, where we eat, etc...
Olivia chose St. Louis Bread Company (Panera for those of you not local). We went to the one closest to our house, and shortly after ordering and taking our food to a table, as I was going to fill some cups with water, I did what I always do. I quickly scanned the room of people to make sure that I didn't see the one couple I have been terrified to run into for the last year and a half.
Fully expecting to see nothing amiss, having no reason to run for the hills, I was completely shocked when my eyes fell on him.
With his wife.
At the same restaurant.
I didn't think, really. I just reacted. I spun on my heels and went the only other way to get water, fearful that I would be spotted. I rushed back to our table, quickly ate half of my bagel, and begged Olivia to take the rest of hers with her. I didn't want a confrontation, even though everything in me knows the kindness in the heart of this woman, and believes that she would not do anything malicious.
But there was a voice whispering, "She has every right. After what you did, you deserve it."
And maybe that's true. I do believe it's true. But in acknowledging that, I realize that I am listening (when I hear that) to the voice of the enemy. Whether that is true or not, I have been redeemed. I have repented and been forgiven, created new. Given a new heart and a new life. So to focus on what my sin SHOULD have earned me is counterproductive. I had a great friend remind me of these things as I wept and poured my heart out over the unexpected event.
But I still acted as any animal in perceived danger would have. I fled as fast as I could. Self-preservation, you know? Instinct kicked in and we were out of there. There was no confrontation and I do not know if they saw me, nor do I want to know. But what happened next, if I had any other kid with me, would have needed explanation. Olivia was in her own little world, and multiple times I thanked God for that gift, as I was able to weep and try to process my emotions while I drove us to our next destination. The other children, more observant and sensitive to my emotions, would have questioned it. And then what would I say? But it doesn't bear thinking on, as it didn't happen that way.
We enjoyed our date, but when I got home, I found myself feeling distant from Kris. Partly due to what we discussed in counseling, and me being unsure if I should really bare my heart and share how much seeing them after all this time disrupted me so completely. The other part had to do with the actual event of seeing them, and the lies that the Accuser tried to throw my way.
But we took a walk, after my awesome friend mentioned above helped me gain some perspective on what to share (deeply significant issues) and what not to share (insignificant things that I would tell anyone...), I told Kris everything I was feeling. My pain, my fear, my worry. That in and of itself was healing, and confirmed that while not everything has to be about me, it's okay to talk through this type of situation with him. It's all about finding balance.
The night ended well and we went to church the next morning. I was not prepared for the intensity of worship that morning. In some ways, I'm glad. I think that made it all the more powerful for me. And it wasn't just me. I think if you ask anyone that was there during the songs they would agree that something very powerful had occurred. And while God is always present, we could tangibly feel His presence in that room yesterday.
It was amazing.
Truly.
I wept the entire time, unashamed, allowing myself to FEEL.
We sang a song that had been introduced a couple of months ago, and it has not left me. While it came out in 2008, until recently I had never heard it. I'm so grateful for that too. I love that I only discovered the song after my heart had been shattered, and the pieces put lovingly back together by my Father. The song is called "You Won't Relent" by Jesus Culture.
What makes this song even more significant is the passage that the lyrics come from. When Kris and I were dating, we chose Song of Solomon 8:6-7 as verses that signified our relationship and what we wanted. Over the years, we would reference it; and reading it again shortly after the affair was discovered and we chose to fight for our marriage, it took on a much deeper meaning.
Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
Hearing the song "You Won't Relent," allowed me to see this verse as I had never before known it. To think about human love in this way is one thing. To realize that this is how deeply God loves was so much better. There aren't words eloquent enough to express what this song does to my heart. God is so good. That isn't just a cliche saying. I believe that to the core of my being. I have witnessed his great love and grace and I will never be the same.
He will not relent until He has it ALL.
My heart is His.
You won't relent until You have it all,
My heart is Yours
I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm
For there is love a that is as strong as death
Jealousy, demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love
You won't relent until You, have it all
My heart is Yours
You won't relent until You, have it all
My heart is Yours
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are One
I don't want to talk about You
Like You're not in the room
I want to look right at You
I want to sing right to You
You won't relent until You have it all,
My heart is Yours
I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm
For there is love a that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are One
Wow... I am so glad I found your blog. I've been reading through so many of the posts... my ex-husband was not only a pornography addict but a sex addict. Tried the counseling route, all of that... but both people have to want it to work. My ex decided not only to spit in God's face (he stated on many occasions that he hated God and he hated that I loved God and that he would do whatever he could to hurt me and hurt God through me) but to try to destroy our children (when I found out that he not only molested our oldest daughter but deliberately exposed our young sons to pornography and taught them to masturbate I fled with them for their safety. I was willing to suffer on my own sake... but to watch them be destroyed was too much.) To this day he claims no responsibility for anything (and has fallen so far that he is now in prison, addicted to drugs, on charges that had nothing to do with the children or me.)
ReplyDeleteGod is good... he did redeem us, but only imagine my shock to find out that my current husband also suffered from an addiction to pornography. So many differences, though... My husband grew up without God and was raised in a home where porn was considered a normal part of life (as well as smoking, drinking and when he was a teen, he and his brother both took several illegal drugs). He had kicked all of the illegal drugs long before we met. He stopped smoking and drinking as soon as he found the Lord. But no one had ever even mentioned to him until we met that there was even something wrong with pornography. It was a totally foreign concept to him.
When we met, I told him about everything (including the mental and emotional abuse... my ex told me non-stop that his porn addiction was my fault that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't a good enough wife, I wasn't sexy, etc.) and he thought, "Oh, okay, well, I walked away from meth cold turkey, I can walk away from this, too." He had no idea he had developed unhealthy mental patterns from the addictive nature of porn. Since he had never considered it wrong, he had never tried to stop and had no idea it would be hard.
ReplyDeleteSo, 7 years later, we still struggle at times. He is a very open, emotional man who makes sure to tell me how beautiful I am... which, when he does fall and fail, it hurts so much. Then a woman at our church tried to seduce him and come between us... he honestly didn't see the beginnings of the emotional affair and didn't believe what I was telling him at first. When he did finally see how destructive his "friendship" with her was becoming for our relationship it was SO hard... I think if I didn't already know the signs it would have ended up a physical affair between them before he realized it was even heading that way. Because I did put a stop to it (as did he) before it hit that point... she still refuses to admit she did anything wrong in trying to come between us.
The difference is huge, though. My husband has accountability with our pastor. We have Christian blocking through TrueVine on our computers at his request. Any web requests that trigger the block get sent to our pastor via email. He knows that this particular addiction developed in a time of his life when he didn't know it was wrong... but he is so very aware now of guarding his heart and mind. He is currently studying to become a psychologist... he wants to be a Christian drug and alcohol rehab counselor. Unfortunately, the only college around here is very liberal and very ungodly. He came back from one of his classes today in tears and told me about the porn his teacher showed AS A PART OF CLASS as a way of demonstrating that it's not okay to objectify women! (His comment? The talking part said all the right things... but there was no excuse for the images they were flashing on the screen! He ended up having to not only close his eyes but turn his back on the speaker and he almost vomited... he will be filing a complaint with the department head this week. (Last semester his English teacher assigned the topic: "Write an essay in favor of Victoria's Secret lingerie for pre-teens" as a final exam. He failed the class rather than write in favor of that!)
Anyway, my heart and prayers are with you. This world does seem to have it out for our men and boys, and for our families via that route!
It never ceases to amaze me-the number of women and couples who have been through what we have. Our world is so filled with pornography-so much so that we have begun to tolerate much of it, not calling it what it is. In my opinion, there is no difference between a bra/panty commercial and looking at pornographic images online-not all pornography included complete nudity. Women everywhere dress in a way that they think is sexy, most of the time having no idea the deep, negative impact this will have on men who learned as boys to lust...it makes me so sad. All I can do is share my story and teach my children something so different than what the world is proclaiming. Thanks for reading and sharing your story. I'm so thankful that your husband recognizes the dangers of pornography and is seeking help. We use X3Watch on our computers presently-same type of accountability.
DeleteWOW WOW WOW. Deep stuff going on here.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is a lot of work. I don't think a lot of people see that. You gotta weather the storms together, and it's so hard I know. WOW. You have done so much good work and healing. It's amazing that you are such strong person. Congratulations to you for working through it and getting healthy.
Thank you so much for linking up with us at the Mommy Monday Blog Hop. I think your story is an important one to get out. You set a great example for everyone.
I am connected with you on all social media. I did add your bloglovin account.
Thanks Lisa! It has been quite a year and a half, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds, and I am blessed. I have not made it fully-I still have growth, but I'm not who I was!
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