Get Your Hands Dirty

From the time we are little, we are taught to wash our hands (most of us, anyway).  There is this constant message about keeping our hands clean.  So, from a young age, we are conditioned to wash our hands.  To get all the dirt and grime off, so that we can move freely through life without that mess holding us back.

But, what if I told you that sometimes you have to get your hands dirty?

I feel like I am on the tail end of months of depression.  I have known I was struggling, but I have kept my eyes fixed on the horizon, knowing that rescue was on the way.  It would have been easy to slip under the weight of the heaviness I have been carrying around, but because God is good and has helped me to grow in this area, I didn't give in to the despair.  I felt the despair and the heaviness, but I bore up under it-I didn't let it drown me.  Because I KNEW that it would not last.  I knew that God would bring relief and comfort in the weak moments and lift me up out of it, once I had faced what had led me there to begin with.

In the midst of my depression, I have been incapable of keeping up with the beautiful garden and flower beds that the prior owners so lovingly cared for.  At first, the weeds were small and sporadic.  But with more rain than feels usual for the Midwest in summer and complete inattention, the weeds very quickly multiplied.  They grew taller and thicker until there were some places where you couldn't really even see the plants anymore.  And they just kept growing.  As they grew, I became more and more depressed.  It was a metaphor, really, for what my summer has been like.  It got to the point where I really didn't even want to go out onto my top deck, because just looking at it made life feel 10 times harder.

The state of the weeds has been hanging over my head, threatening to overwhelm my garden and my mind.  I have, over the last several weeks especially, felt a lot of shame in not being able to get out there and deal with it.  I have felt frozen in place, unable to take the step I need to just start clearing them.  It is too much.  It will take too long.  It will be too hard.  It will be putting my body through something that will take me DAYS to physically recover from.  It was just too big.  Because of my neglect, and partly because of much unexpected rain this summer, the weeds began to take over the garden.  You could still see the flowers and they were actually still growing and some even thriving in their harsh environment.  But you could tell that they were being choked out. 

It has been a source of great stress to me this summer, knowing it needed to get done, but feeling completely defeated just from looking at it.  It's not that I don't know how to weed, or that I physically can't do it.  I CAN do it.  It is incredibly hard on my back and neck, and it will take days to get the pain levels down, but I am capable of doing the work.  But there is something about starting.  Taking that first step. 

I freeze.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I will stand there and look out, and all I see is a mountain.  And I have climbed a mountain.  It's a BIG commitment.  Once you start, there's oftentimes no turning back.  So, just like you have to gear up for a hike up a large mountain, I always feel like I have to gear myself up to tackle these types of projects, especially when I have let them get out of control.  I feel a desperate need to be prepared and know the outcome before I take that first step.  But that's not the reality we live in.  Most of the time, we do not get to know the outcome.  That's the whole mystery of life--we have no idea how it is going to turn out.  And for those of us who like things neat and tidy and to always be prepared for any eventuality, it can lead to a lot of uncertainty, which in turn can lead to high levels of anxiety as we pass through this life.

But sometimes you have to just start, even when you can't see a way through.  Even when you don't really know how to take the first step.  Oftentimes we think the first step is the actual movement towards whatever the "thing" we need to do is.  But really, the first step is making the decision to do it.  I haven't wanted to commit to the weeding because I have known the sheer amount of hours and physical beating it would take to get it all done.  I'm not the kind of person who can start a project and just put in 50% effort.  If I am going to do something, I am going to wholeheartedly do it.  I don't know any other way to live, and I know after a year of therapy that a big part of that is a fear that I will not be enough if I don't give it 110% percent.  It's simply where I am right now, but it is not a place I am planning to camp out in for any amount of time.  A time will come when I learn to balance wanting to give 100% in any situation or relationship not out of fear but because that is what God asks of me.

In the Passion translation, Colossians 3:23 says, "Put your heart and soul into every activity you do, as though you are doing it for the Lord himself and not merely for others."  For much of my life, I did tend to put my heart and soul into my activities, but it has only been in the last year that I have been learning that my motivation was for myself or others.  I wasn't giving my all because I was motivated to please God.  It was done out of desperation, to prove that I am worthy of love or acceptance or praise.  It was a survival technique I picked up early on in my life.  And it has served me well, honestly, this ability to jump in and tackle a big project.  That perfectionism has made me good at my job, and good at craft projects, taking a lot of pride in a job well done.

Knowing how I tend to throw myself into projects--meaning once I start I will not stop until it's done well--regardless of the motivation, I knew how hard weeding the garden was going to be, and so I kept putting it off, and it just kept becoming more and more unmanageable.  If I was going to take back control over the weeds, it meant one thing:  I was going to have to get my hands dirty.  I was going to have to get down on the ground and begin pulling up everything that didn't belong.  And I also knew it was going to take a significant amount of my time.  

So two nights ago, I began.  I made the decision to just start somewhere.  I picked out a small section of the flower bed and got to work.  With the break in heat, the temps even cooperated to where I wasn't unreasonably angry by how hot I was while doing a chore I didn't want to do in the first place.  I only did a small section of the beds that day.  Yesterday, I took advantage of another burst of energy and drive and did almost ALL the rest of the beds on the deck, leaving one large section.  Then last night, with the help of two great friends, we finished the back and made significant progress in the front. 

Not able to leave a big project unfinished, especially when so close to the finish line, I turned on some worship music and got down in the dirt again this morning.  Being too lazy to go get gloves from the back though, I decided I would just do without.  I never used gloves to weed growing up so it certainly wasn't going to hurt me, right?

And the first thing I noticed is how quickly my hands got dirty.  Sometimes, simply put, you have to be willing to get your hands dirty.  Life is messy.  There's no clean, painless way through it.  You have to be willing to get a little (or at times, a lot) messy.  And with weeding, you can't just bend over and pull the weeds up.  If there are only a handful, maybe you can sustain that.  But if there's a lot of work to do, the best way is to sit down right in the middle of it and just start clearing the path.  So, that's what I did.  I got down on the ground, in the middle of the weeds, and just started pulling.

It's kind of crazy to me how many different types of weeds I have encountered over the last 3 days.  Some weeds come up easily.  We have a lot of wild violets or clover or something in the front and you can just gather up the stems and pull them up by the root without too much effort.  There were some tall thick-stalked weeds that looked like they would be really difficult that proved to be easy.  And then, there were some really thin, long weeds that simply would not pull up at the root.  They would break off in my hand and it would be difficult to get them out by the root.  

I see my therapy journey through this metaphor with the garden and the weeds.  I have spent the last year weeding through all the things in my life that are unhealthy or could use pruning.  Some of the things have been easier than others to move through and uproot from my life.  And then there are these lingering things: fear of abandonment, speaking to and thinking cruelly about myself, a desperate desire to be SEEN by others that has a lot of pride tied up with it.  Those are the deeply rooted things that I can't do on my own.  I have tried.  I have pulled and dug at them, never finding their roots.  And if you don't pull something up by the roots, it WILL reappear.  It might take some time, or it might come back overnight.  But it will come back up and you will have to deal with it again.  You have to find the root and then completely remove it.

As God always does, he has been bringing me songs and images and lessons, and right now, as I dive deep into healing, he has sent them cascading over one another.  While weeding last night, Sara, Bre and I talked briefly about the metaphors for life and weeding and gardens.  We didn't delve too deeply into it, but we all agreed there was a lot of dots to connect there.  Sara wrote briefly about it on Facebook last night, and included this picture with a line I have always loved from Who Am I (NEEDTOBREATHE). "You grow your roses on my barren soul."

Then, Kris and I went in for a marriage counseling tune up this morning to talk about something that, like the weeds has been immobilizing me for months, keeping me held in a place of fear.  It was a good visit and I came away with a couple of tools to try to help me navigate through it safely.  As soon as we got back in the car, I did the cursory peek at Facebook to see if anything interesting happened in my one hour absence and I saw this.

And if that wasn't enough proof from God that I am seen and known, as I finished up the weeding, this song was playing.  It brought me immense comfort that God saw me in the midst of the weeds (both literal and figurative) and reached down to tenderly care for my soul.

Come out of hiding, you're safe here with me

There's no need to cover what I already see

You've got your reasons, but I hold your peace

You've been on lockdown and I hold the key

'Cause I loved you before you knew it was love

And I saw it all, still, I chose the cross

And you were the one that I was thinking of

When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, my victory's yours

I tore the veil for you to come close

There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore

You're not far from home

I'll be your lighthouse when you're lost at sea

And I will illuminate everything

No need to be frightened by intimacy

No, just throw off your fear

And come running to me, woo-ooah

'Cause I loved you before you knew it was love

And I saw it all, still, I chose the cross

And you were the one that I was thinking of

When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, my victory's yours

I tore the veil for you to come close

There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore

You're not far from home

You're not far from home

Keep on coming, aye

And oh, as you run

What hindered love

Will only become

Part of the story

And oh, as you run

What hindered love

Will only become

Part of the story

And oh, as you run

What hindered love

Will only become

Part of the story

And oh, as you run

What hindered love

Will only become

Part of the story

Baby, you're almost home now

Please, don't quit now

You're almost all to me, yeah

Baby, you're almost home now

Please, don't quit now

You're almost all to me, yeah

Yes, you are

Now, baby, you're almost home now

Please, don't quit now

You're almost all to me, yeah

  

Thoughts on Another Good Friday

Another Good Friday has come and gone.  It has been eleven years since my world was turned upside down by the Cross, a symbol that I grew up with.  While I always knew the stories and the verses, the Cross simply did not make sense to me.  I get upset when things don't make sense.  Well, that's perhaps an understatement.  Nothing will disrupt me more than presenting me with something that I do not understand.  It's why I don't like riddles or word problems, or practical jokes.  There is something inside of me, a switch that gets flipped, when I am confused.  

I couldn't reconcile my sin with the hope that the Cross offered.  I had spent over seven years running from God.  Not just running.  I was up to my eyeballs in filth and darkness.  I was rushing through life, mostly dead.  Everything was clouded by despair and shame.  Sin breaks God's heart because he knows how shame will take root in our minds and how that will separate us from Him.  He knows that shame keeps us in the darkness.  Shame keeps us from confession.  Shame keeps us trapped in the shackles that have held us down for too long.  

God understands that the shame sin produces in us will only keep us from him.  He is a jealous God, and he loves us in ways we sometimes don't even know we deserved to be loved.  And for no other reason than he is an artist and we are the work of his hand.  He took time and skill and crafted each of us, from our heads to our toes, and everything in between.  Our hearts were shaped and molded by perfect hands.  We were filled with all of these good things, and God wants us to know him, so that he can show us all the wonderful ways in which he has created us.  He has good things in store for us, but sin interferes with those gifts.  Our shame keeps us from seeing who we truly are and what we were created for.

I'm the kind of person who is a skeptic, until I'm not.  I was skeptical about the Cross and the love and freedom it offered.  I knew all the right things.  Not only was I raised in the church my entire life, but I also attended Bible college to learn more, and I have never not gone to church for a significant period of time.  Church and God have always been a fixture in my life, even when I was actively running from God.

But knowing about God, studying God, it's not the same as actually connecting with God.  For many years, I lived my  life thinking I had to do the right things to please God.  I had to go to church regularly, read my Bible, pray all the time, help the orphans and widows.  In the worst years, I was going to church.  That was it.  And then when I started living a double life, hiding in sin, betraying my marriage vows, church wasn't going to be enough to assuage my guilt.  I was participating in the godly things, without letting God close to my heart.  And since I wasn't completing my list everyday of all the things that would make me holy and bring real peace, the amount of shame that engulfed me was overwhelming.

So, honestly, Grace came in and surprised me eleven years ago sitting in that counseling session, completely filled with grief and shame for all the evil things I had done.  I was skeptical that God really loved me more than he hated the lies I had been perpetrating for years.  I was doubtful that the Cross held enough grace and power for me, after what I had done.  I could not understand why I didn't need to be punished for the magnitude of my sin.  The counselor's words weren't fancy and they weren't revolutionary in many ways--but they were to me and to my heart in that moment. 

God had been preparing me for that moment for who knows how long.  He had been stripping away the lies, though I didn't realize it then.  He was able to chip away just enough that I could hear these words: "What if, just for today, on Good Friday, you let Jesus take the punishment for your sin?  Because he already did 2000 years ago."  That was the pivotal moment for me.  That was the moment that my skepticism turned to faith.  That was the first time I truly believed that the Cross was a place of grace and forgiveness FOR ME.  That the Cross came to do away with the punishment we deserved.

It's not a lie to say that my sins deserved punishment and death.  But it is a lie to tell myself that Jesus can't love me after all I have done.  Because we have a Cross that tells us otherwise.  I deserved punishment and yet, Jesus loved me so much that he chose to step in and stand in my place.  He took the punishment that should have been on my shoulders and he bore it all the way to Cross.  And he nailed it to the Cross, where it remains.  He ushered in grace in that moment, and my life has never been the same.

Do you know what changes skepticism?  It's faith.  It's taking a leap off of a cliff where you can't see the bottom and you don't know if you will actually land safely, and trusting that even though you can't see the bottom, you will be okay.

It took two months for me to come home to Jesus, after coming home to my husband, because he had a lot of work to do in my heart, to prepare it for the truth of the Cross.  He had to chip away the shame and fear and lies that had been my constant companions.  He had to diminish those lies just enough that I could see the glimmer of light on the horizon.  And he did that through my husband patiently loving me and holding me while I grieved the life I had lived.  He did that through songs that would come on, that I didn't fully embrace, but I was at least listening to.  God was with me every step of the way, bringing me to that counseling appointment on Good Friday in 2012.  He was orchestrating things behind the scenes, putting words into the counselor's heart and mind and then prompting the counselor to speak those words at the exact moment that God knew I would finally be able to hear him.

I didn't come into that counseling appointment less skeptical of the Cross.  I came in terrified of it.  When I say terrified, I don't even think that's a strong enough word for the fear that was welling up inside of me.  All I could think was punishment.  And I realized that day that I was ready to take the punishment.  I honestly think that's why I was able to hear and finally understand.  Because I was ready to be brave and face what I had coming to me.  I had hurt a lot of people, deeply.  I deserved punishment and I deserved to be held accountable for what I had been doing.  I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did.  God completely upended everything by loving me and showing me that the price for my sin had already been paid.

Listen, all God wants is a willing heart.  He can handle the weight of what we have done.  He is strong enough to carry our messes.  He is filled with enough grace that he can see beyond all of that sin and into the heart of his creation.  He can see all the things he created us for, and he is simply waiting for us to give him a chance to show us what he made us for.  

God didn't create me to chase after love and affection in any place I think it resides.  Those desires are still within me, and they are very real.  I long to be loved and to be truly seen for who I am, even with the loudness and intensity of emotion I can often bring with me.  And when God didn't line up with how I thought he should be, when he didn't play out in my life the way I expected him to, when he didn't protect me from the harm of others, I quietly erected a wall around myself and taught myself to believe that I didn't deserve anything but pain and death.  

Jesus simply says come to me.  

We don't find Jesus and the truth of the Cross through striving.  

We find it through surrender. 

Jesus said in Matthew 11:29-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Are you weary and burdened?  There is a place of safety and rest you can drop your cares and just be loved and held.  But God won't force himself upon us.  He will simply wait.  And when you find yourself as I was, burdened under the guilt and shame of everything you did to try to prove you didn't need God or that you didn't deserve God, Jesus tells us he wants to trade that heavy burden for one that is lighter and easier to carry.  He doesn't say we won't have to bear pain and hard things in this world--but he does promise that if we bring those hard and painful things to him, he will take them and replace them with loads that we can actually carry. Because his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

When Jesus was on the Cross, he was placed between two criminals to die.  The Romans had perfected crucifixion and this was a standard death sentence.  So three men were crucified, and both of those criminals were impacted by what happened that day.  One mocked.  And one believed.  And one ended up with a promise that he would be joining Jesus in paradise.  That's the end game and I get excited thinking about this story in Luke 23:40-23, because I desire to be with Jesus in paradise.  And if there was hope for that thief on the Cross that day, there is still hope for me and you today.

'But the other criminal protested, "Don't you fear God even when you  have been sentenced to die?  We deserve to die for our crimes, but this man hasn't done anything wrong."  Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom."  And Jesus replied, "I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise."'

Jesus, thank you for remembering me when you came into your Kingdom.  Thank you for loving me and choosing me, in spite of all the ways I despised you and your Cross.  Thank you for chasing after my heart and pursuing me, simply so that you could hold me and love me in ways I never thought I deserved.

Swimming Around The Rock

 I have felt depression laying its desperate fingers across my mind for weeks.  Lately, as I try to make my way back to a sound mind, I have begun to feel more and more frantic.  There has to be an end, a way out and I'm so desperate to NOT feel this way that I expend all my energy trying to chase after a sound mind, which I am learning is counter-intuitive.  There's something about rest that I haven't quite learned yet, but I'm close to understanding and implementing in my life.

God promises we are never left alone and he promises that when we draw near to him, He will draw near to us.  

Do you know WHY God can promise that?  Do you know why it's so easy for God to draw near to us, when we finally surrender our own will and draw near to him, instead of striving for the answers?  BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY THERE!  It isn't that God puts up a wall and stays WAY over on his side, and then when we finally draw near to him for comfort and refuge, he can come from far off to rescue us.  I lived under that lie for most of my life, thinking that I could push God away, far from my heart and current situations.  I had such a small understanding of who God was and the depth of love Jesus poured out on the cross that I believed I had some kind of power or ability to force God back onto "his side."

The reason it is so easy and God can draw near to us swiftly is because He never went anywhere.  He has always been right by our side, just waiting for us to #1 SEE HIM and #2 be willing to show him all the dark places in our hearts and minds.  He wants us to lift them up to him, like a child shows a drawing to a parent.  He has the ability to look at the messes we make of our hearts as a loving parent looks at meaningless lines and scribbles on a page. 

Maybe what we made is complete trash.  Maybe our efforts to make a life worthy of Christ's sacrifice is a jumbled mess that doesn't make any sense.  And yet still, God asks us to show him.  Show him what we are hiding behind our back.  To stop looking down in shame, and to look up - to him.  To see his eyes.  If you were to look into God's eyes, not expecting shame and condemnation, you would find all the things you have been searching for.  His eyes are so full of love and pride for the wrecks we are.  We are broken vessels, and God is the artist who created us.  Beyond that, God finds delight that we even tried to make something to begin with and he draws us close for a hug and tells us how beautiful our creation is, for no other reason than because he believes it is true!

It is impossible for God, the creator and artist, to pile shame and guilt on us, his creation.  That is the exact opposite of what Jesus' life was about.  He lived and died to prove to us that our shame doesn't hold any weight in the eyes of God.  He knew our tendency to let shame rule us, and so he put shame to death once and for all. And all these years later, so many of us still live as if shame has a place in our lives.  We have misunderstood and mis-preached in our churches what the Cross was really about for too long.  If we aren't preaching that the Cross brings freedom from the shame that shackles us, we are doing something wrong.

Today I was really feeling the heaviness cover my mind and body.  As I was driving home from work, I was talking to God about this and was thinking about how it feels like I am swimming through a tangibly thick fog.  My movements are slow and I'm not making much progress.  And as I was pouring my heart out to God, the song Promises by Maverick City Music came on.  And as I was contemplating this thickness I was swimming through, I heard these words:

I put my faith in Jesus

My anchor to the ground

He's my hope and firm foundation

He'll never let me down

The minute I heard them, the picture in my mind that I wasn't really certain I was seeing clarified.  I saw this large rock in the middle of an ocean.  The rock cannot move.  It is fixed to the ground, anchoring itself in the midst of the wind and waves all around.  It is immovable.  And if it is my firm foundation, then what in the world am I doing, swimming around the rock, in fog I don't belong in???

As soon as I realized it was my perspective that was off, the immediate thought was to let the guilt and shame for forgetting this crush down on me.  But by the grace of God, I have been learning that shame doesn't have a place in my heart and I realized that what I really needed to do was to climb back up on the rock and just STOP.  Stop striving.  Stop trying to find the shore, as if the shore or the other side is somehow accessible by getting down from that Rock that is to be my firm foundation.  If I stay on the rock, where the footing is solid, I don't get lost in the fog and the thickness.  And I certainly don't have to try to swim through unknown and terrifying waters by myself.  But if I get down off the rock, I position myself AWAY from God, who is a place of safety and peace and protection.  

Hear me.  The depression hasn't magically gone away, just because I realized that I had once again been trying to find a sound mind by STRIVING.  But sometimes shifting perspective back to its proper place is what is needed.  Sometimes stopping and just waiting for the wind and waves to die down is necessary.  Maybe God isn't asking me to dive into the depths of the crazy in my mind and fight my way through to him.  Maybe he's simply asking me to sit on the rock for however long it takes for that fog to pass.  Because here's the thing about fog.  It DOES lift.  It DOES move away, leaving a clear path again.

And the crazy thing is that this Rock, this firm foundation, while fixed, moves through life with us.  It is always right there beside us (underneath us if we are brave enough to stand on it), ready to be a place of safety and a place of rest.  But God doesn't force us to climb back up on the rock and wait out the storm with him.  He certainly wants us to, because like any good parent, he wants to protect us (from ourselves most of the time) and he wants us to be able to navigate from a place of safety.  He understands that when we jump down into the ocean and try to swim through all the noise that we are moving away from him.  

Sure, we might stay near the rock, practicing all the things we have learned in our lives of faith, and we might not be actively running into sin.  But he wants us to understand that we don't have to get off of that foundation at all.  We don't have to be in the thick muddy waters on our own.  YES, we have to be IN THEM.  That is life and it is hard.  But we are never asked to walk it alone.  We don't have to swim blindly through the fog.  We won't get anywhere for our striving outside of God-in fact, we end up going in circles, never really making progress.  And yet, if we get up on that rock and look out, while we may not see the path, we WILL see light on the horizon.  There is HOPE out there, and we simply cannot see it while we are in the water, trying to swim through the fog.  We HAVE to get back up on the rock if we want to see the hope that is on the horizon.  And we have to wait there until the fog passes, so that we can then safely move through the waters again, clinging to the Rock that will never fail.

New Life in the New Year

For years I have watched at a distance while other people garden, anything from flowers to food for their tables.  As a kid, we grew many things, including some fruit trees, grapes and strawberries.  The strawberry patches are most memorable, because I hated picking strawberries all day in the heat of the summer.  There were things to make it more palatable: the ability to pick and eat as many strawberries as I wanted on the job, and most rewarding, a pond to jump into when a refreshing swim was needed to cool off or break up the monotony.

As an adult, in our starter home, ONE year I threw some tomato and jalapeno seeds out on the side of the house.  I didn't harvest anything, though I did manage to germinate them and get them going well, until the squirrels decided they liked it better if I stayed in my house where I belong, so they ate them. 

When we moved to this new house, the prior owners left me with an entire garden to tend to and try not to kill.  Most things made it to fall, but a few things were trampled by the dogs and lack of consistent watering through the summer while the house sat empty.  I lost a Chinese peony to the dogs trampling the flower beds, but I am hopeful it will come back in the spring.  Regardless, those plants gave me a crash course in gardening.  I had to learn some things, because I suddenly had all these extra living creatures to care for the minute we moved in.  I'm most proud of my Brazilian Jasmine, which stayed strong and continued up the vine into fall.  I did a rough experiment, and did NOT winterize it, because I want to see what all comes back in the garden with little to no effort on my part.  I like the idea of gardening, but I have learned myself well, and I know that if it takes too much day-to-day care, I am more likely to kill it.  I can garden and I can keep things alive - but they have to do their part too, by trying not to die.  It's an agreement I make with the plant--I will try to keep you alive and you will try not to die.  There is harmony when everything in the garden plays by the rules.

But now, I have upgraded my gardening game.  If I had seen this system on my own, I would have thought, "wow that's really cool but I probably can't buy something like that for another decade or so."  But my husband.  You guys, this man loves me well.  Not just because he gives me nice things, though he does.  But because he looks for ways to make my heart happy.  His gifts always have thought and love behind them, and when he hits the ball, it is usually straight out of the gift-giving park.

I don't usually like being outside in the elements (rain, snow, COLD, extreme heat).  I am so thankful I live in an area where we have a more normal four seasons because I need the break in between seasons.  It would be too much I think to live somewhere it is always hot or always cold.  At least in the Midwest you get a fair variety of things.  So while I love the idea of gardening, once the temps outside become unbearable (which to me is usually below 30 or above 85 degrees), I will become inconsistent with my care.  I have loved having house plants to tend to these last 3 months, because I can keep them alive without worrying about the conditions outside.

Enter my new toy, the Gardyn, that Kris surprised me with for Christmas.  He doesn't always spend extravagantly, but when he does, it is usually on me.  Look, he married a woman who likes nice things and who is drawn to things that are shiny and cool.  And my husband is a gadget guy, who loves to do research and get the best deal, while also benefiting from said gadget.  It's a win-win for me, really.  I get to be spoiled, and he gets to try out new tech-y toys.

So, we got the Gardyn set up on 12/28, and then were promptly without internet for another 24 hours.  I reset my sow date to 12/29, once the Wifi was back up and running consistently, and the Gardyn system used its built in hydroponics to begin watering my babies on a schedule.  The Gardyn came with 30 pods: 

GREENS

Arugula x 2

Breen

Butterhead

Endive Lettuce

Green Mustard

Kale

Kale Lacinato

Lollo Rossa

Monte Carlo

Red Sails x 2

Red Mustard

Romaine

Rouge D’hiver

Swiss Chard

Tatsoi x 2

HERBS

Basil

Cilantro

Italian Parsely

Mint

Oregano

Rosemary

Thai Basil

Thyme

FRUITS

Cherry Tomatoes

Jalapeno

Mini Eggplant

Sweet Peppers

I didn't start the green mustard, either kale variety (NEVER), or the extra Red Sails, Tatsoi and Arugula. In just 4-5 days, I have some clear winners. Leading the charge were Tatsoi (it was the very first sprout and within 4 hours had doubled in size), Rouge D'hiver, Arugula, Red Sails Lettuce, and Monte Carlo. The others are slower, and some take 10-14 days to sprout. So it's early, and I need to move them around now that I found a chart showing where it's best to place each thing in the Gardyn.

So what does this have to do with anything?

Well, I started the Gardyn on 12/29, and woke up to a brand new year yesterday with my first sprout. I had been watching the plants, several times a day making excuses to go check on them. I would talk to them, like any crazy plant person, and encourage them to grow. It shocked me, and at the same time didn't, that as the new year dawned, new life was beginning in my Gardyn. It was not lost on me, this literal picture of new life. I couldn't shake this thought of New Life as I got ready for church. The music and sermon were on point, and continued to echo this idea of New Life as this new year stretches out before us.

The old dead things will be cast off. I open myself up to be pruned and shaped this year. As I cultivate and harvest and tend to my garden throughout 2023, I am making an agreement with God. I choose to let him, the ultimate Gardener, have control over my thoughts, my mind, my life. I learned a lot about myself in 2022, and one of the biggest lessons is that it's past time to let the roots be trimmed back so that I can grow fuller and healthier.

I've done a crash course in gardening over the last week, reading, studying, ensuring that I feel confident in managing the Gardyn. I have seen pictures of roots that get out of control and take over the entire system, and I immediately drew the connection between the unhealthy things in my life. There are habits and thought processes that don't belong. There are lies that have been my companions and sounding board for decades. And starting therapy last year identified several areas where I need pruning. The roots of negative thinking have grown strong and thick and deep, and have woven themselves around places in my life they do not belong. The goodness in my heart is often trying to fight against external distractions. If I don't tend to that goodness, that kindness, that tenderness, the roots will be damaged, and that will bring darkness and disease to my entire being. Little by little, sickness can creep in, if allowed, and affect everything around it.

This Gardyn, like my soul, will need constant tending to. If I just let it go and let it do its thing, it will do what it thinks is best, and honestly, I will get a harvest of something. On its own, while my Gardyn could possibly yield a bountiful harvest, it is not lost on me that by lovingly and consistently tending to the plants, I can help them thrive. If you have ever tried to keep anything alive (plant or child), you know that it requires a great deal of time and effort. You get out what you put in. So if I spend time cleaning the system, trimming the roots, cutting back places that are overgrown, giving extra help to areas not getting enough light, the results will be greater than if I just sit back and watch what happens.

We have a responsibility to take an active role in leading our thoughts and minds. We have the power to control how we think, which in turn will control how we react to the stresses in our life. I am just now scratching the surface of this. We COULD sit back and let the lies and darkness run amok in our lives. Or we could take the reins and refuse to be guided by things that do nothing but make us miserable.

I am the master of my Gardyn. I have final say in what I grow, where the plants are placed, and how much extra care they are given. It is up to me to do what is best for the Gardyn. To use the system as it was designed, but to give it the loving care the plants need to thrive. The same is true with my mind and my soul. It is up to me to grow. I can stay where I am, watching the world pass me by, watching others grow and thrive. I can wish for what they have as I watch them. But that will not move me forward. There is work I have to do to get the life that I want. To be healthy, I have to do the hard work to prune away the unhealthy, negative ways I have always allowed myself to think and live under.

This will be an interesting year as I look at my life through the Gardyn. There will be ups and downs. There will be plants that will require more time and attention. There will be plants, very likely, that will create disruption and anxiety for me. They will frustrate me and make me want to give up. Does that sound like life to anyone else?

But just like I am doing with therapy, I will press on. I will keep tending to and pruning, and giving time and attention to my Gardyn, and to my soul. It is not a one time thing. It will have to be an EVERY day effort. People who win prizes for gardening are not the ones who sit back and do nothing. They are the ones who get their hands dirty. Who devote their time to studying what's in the garden, and then using whatever tools are needed to keep the plants as healthy as possible.

The very second contaminates enter into your garden, your job gets harder. And if you don't stay on top of it, it will get out of control and when left unchecked, the darkness and disease will take over the entire system. Sin and unhealthy patterns of thinking do the exact same thing in our hearts and souls. They will destroy us, if left unchecked. I have lived this firsthand. I have watched a beautiful garden grow sick and dark and deadly. Even if a plant dies, it will wreak havoc on a healthy garden, especially if you do not remove it immediately. The only way to heal a sick garden is to completely eradicate the disease and death. Sometimes it will require complete disassembly and intense cleaning before it can be put back together. But the beauty is that no amount of death and decay is too much. The Master Gardener is capable of taking death and decay and breathing new life into it. New blooms can grow from dead ground when God is involved. He can take broken, hardened ground (and hearts) and he can breathe his gentle breath and everything touched by it will be changed. New life will spring up, because God tells it to. Because God cannot abide in death and darkness.

Aren't you tired of living under the weight of guilt and shame or fear and darkness? Isn't it time to try something new? Yes it's hard. Yes it is scary. But look at the end result of a well-tended garden. Beauty and life and new growth abound. And when that happens, it literally cleans the air of toxins. Don't you want to breathe fresh air through lungs that are no longer choked out by the lies of the world? Think about how freeing it would feel to believe that YOU can change and start a new groove for your life.

I'm not a big fan of new years resolutions. I think we make them too complicated. I likely will not lose 50 pounds this year, because I can tell you right now, I probably won't even try. I spent a lot of new years already feeling like a failure. There can be a lot of guilt and shame associated with the new year, especially if you grew up thinking you HAD to choose something to be better at in the new year. It was a "thing" to make a new year resolution-it is still a thing. I think in trying to "be better" in the new year, we lost sight of what the new year is about.

It's not about setting you up for failure. It's a chance to renew your hope. It's a chance to start over. It doesn't mean you HAVE to do something grand with 2023. The new year should give us hope, not fill us with terror. It should remind us that whatever happened in the past year, that year is over and done with. Maybe the year was filled with misery and grief for you. 2023 is a sign of hope, that maybe the pain will lighten a bit and things will seem less impossible in the coming year. Maybe the year was an amazing year, and 2023 is a chance for you to cling to the joys that 2022 brought, because you may need those reminders in the coming year. I don't know what 2023 holds for you or for me. But I know that as I sit at the start of the year, my only goal is to keep pruning the garden of my soul and to keep making more room for Jesus - because what he can grow is going to be so much better than anything I can create on my own.

You Keep Hope Alive

Days may be darkest

But Your light is greater

You light our way

God, You light our way

When evil is rising

You're rising higher

With power to save

With power to save

You keep hope alive

You keep hope alive

From the beginning to end

Your word never fails

You keep hope alive

Because You are alive

Jesus, You are alive

Death had a stronghold

But Your life was stronger

Rose from the grave

Rose up from the grave

When evil is rising

You're rising higher

With power to save

With power to save

You keep hope alive

You keep hope alive

From the beginning to end

Your word never fails

You keep hope alive

Because You are alive

Jesus, You are alive

There's hope in the morning

Hope in the evening

Hope because You're living

Hope because You're breathing

There's hope in the breaking

Hope in the sorrow

Hope for this moment

My hope for tomorrow

There's hope in the morning

Hope in the evening

Hope because You're living

Hope because You're breathing

There's hope in the breaking

Hope in the sorrow

Hope for this moment

My hope for tomorrow

You keep hope alive

You keep hope alive

From the beginning to end

Your word never fails

You keep hope alive

Because You are alive

Jesus, You are alive

You keep hope alive

You keep hope alive

From the beginning to end

Your word never fails

You keep hope alive

Because You are alive

Jesus, You are alive

There is hope

You keep hope alive

You keep hope alive

You keep hope alive

Your word never ever fails

You keep hope alive

Jesus, You are alive

You keep hope alive

What Are You Waiting For? Just Let It Go

Today I finished the yearly watch-thru of The Lord of the Rings.  I was struck by the scene at the end, when Frodo is standing at the edge, ring in hand.  He has come so far.  His journey was filled will trials, pain and tremendous grief.  He FINALLY made it up the mountain, and is positioned to finally throw the ring into the fires of Mordor.  It is what the entire series had been building to.  It was Frodo's purpose, and ultimately, the ring was his reason for leaving the shire.  He knew his mission, and though he stumbled along the way, he stayed focused (with the help of Samwise Gamgee) and he kept going, though the way became increasingly more difficult.  And now, he has made it to the end.  

It should be simple, right?  

Take the ring and throw it in.  

And yet, Frodo hesitates.

He knows that the ring is evil and brings ruin to all who carry it. He knows that he must destroy it-the fate of the world depends on it. But as evil does, it twists and tempts and can confuse and corrupt even the purest of hearts.  In some ways, Frodo, carrying the ring to Mordor, has become attached to the ring.  Though he knows the perils it brings, he feels a certain draw or kinship with the ring.  He has worn the ring, and he knows the ring. Every time Frodo put the ring on, it was to hide, or to feel safe.  The ring brought a certain sense of safety, and when it came time to give it up, he hesitated.

We are like that with our addictions and sins, aren't we?  We can look at it and know it is wrong, and yet we still feel a draw to it.  I saw an addict in Frodo's face in this scene and it broke my heart.

Sam, having seen what the ring had done to Frodo, how it has stripped him of everything that makes him human (much like addiction), weeps while asking, "What are you waiting for?  Just let it go."

Read that again.

"What are you waiting for? Just let it go."

Frodo stands there for a long moment, thinking.  And then he turns around, having made his choice, and he declares, "The ring is mine."  He puts the ring on and disappears, and Sam is left alone, utterly devastated.

Having traveled all the way to the end, ready to throw the ring into the fires of Mordor, Frodo decides it's too precious to him to actually give it up. He gives himself over to his desire for the ring above all else.

I find myself incredibly disappointed in Frodo.  How could he have come so far, just to run right back to the very thing that was destroying him?  It's easy to watch that and think, "You idiot!  You were right there at the edge of victory.  Why would you give it all up now?"

My heart sinks watching his face and hearing him choose the ring over freedom (for himself and those he loved).  It's the same way I have been disappointed every time my husband has used pornography to act out. The same way I am disappointed when I see one of my kids choose a path that will cause them pain.  The same way I am disappointed in myself when I go back to the same toxic ways of thinking that have always ruled my life.  It is a disappointment filled with heartbreak.  Because in each of those scenarios, I can SEE that there is a better way.  

Frodo found out as soon as he left the shire that life is incredibly difficult.  The same is true for us.  Life will put things in your path that you didn't expect, and that you certainly didn't ask for or want.  You will experience pain and sorrow and be hurt in ways you never imagined possible. You may make it almost to the very end, and find yourself hopeless and ready to give up.  

Don't let the pain and confusion and evil all around you destroy your spirit and what you know to be true.  Don't give up.  Do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Do you know what I love about this? Even though Frodo chose himself and chose selfishness in that moment where victory was certain, he was given another chance to make it right. He was provided one more opportunity to do the right thing. Gollum bites Frodo's finger off and Frodo is finally free of the burden of the ring. Once the ring is removed from him, Frodo comes to his senses and his desire to destroy the ring is once more stirred up. He risks his very life for one last confrontation with Gollum where they both go over the edge, and Gollum falls, and the ring is destroyed, once and for all.  So even though he made it to the end and chose poorly, he was given one more shot at victory.

This is one of my favorite things about God.  No matter how many times we stand at the precipice of freedom, ready to throw our chains into the fires, and then we turn away and go back to the safety of our sins or addictions or fears, God says, "Try again.  Get up and fight. You can still have victory." 

I mean, he gave up his son, who didn't have to come to this broken world, to show us that victory is within our reach. To give us chance after chance after chance.  I don't know about you, but that alone is a reason to hold firmly to hope. No one but God forgives with such unwavering grace and mercy and love. We will not always do it right the first time.  We will make mistakes and we will hurt people.  But we don't have to live under the weight of shame and condemnation. We are offered a second chance. And then another. And another.  And hopefully, one day you will stand at the edge of victory and instead of holding onto that "ring," you will throw it into the flames and be free of it once and for all.

Come and Claim Him

There are many reasons to love the Lord of the Rings (books or movies-I'm not picky).  I turn the movies on at least once a year, because they take me on an entire journey, mentally and emotionally.  I have always loved one part in particular, though I have never understood why until this week.

There is this scene in the book where the elf Glorfindel has to help Frodo and his friends across the Ford of Bruinen to get to Rivendell.  In the movies, they placed this task on Arwen, and we find her at the banks of the ford, a dying Frodo laid across her horse, as the Nine Riders pursue them relentlessly.  When all seems lost, with courage in her posture and ready to give her life for this mission, Arwen looks at them and says fiercely, "If you want him, come and claim him."

As the riders rush into the water to try to get to Frodo, Arwen calls on the power of the elves and the waters rise, rushing upon the Nine Riders, giving Arwen time to escape and deliver Frodo for healing to the land of Rivendell.

"If you want him, come and claim him."

Those?

Those are fighting words.

I connect with them because, as it turns out, I am a fighter.

I resisted claiming this title for myself for a long time, feeling like it meant I thought more highly of myself than I should.  But the truth of the matter is that I am fighter.  There is a resiliency in me that until this year, I didn't really understand that I possessed.  It isn't anything that I have, dependent on myself.  It is something that comes because I TRUST Jesus.  I believe what the Bible says about him.  I have faith that I will be rescued, even if it doesn't look the way I might want it to.

And I find this challenge of "come and claim him" to be incredibly encouraging.

I am under constant attack from the arrows of the enemy.  An enemy who seeks to steal, kill and destroy.  That enemy is running rampant in our world and entangled up in our lives.  We have a Savior, a commander who leads us and guides us through the enemy's territory.  

This world?

It's not as God intends it to be.  The garden of Eden is what He intended. But he didn't want us to be robots, forced to follow him simply because we have to.  He made us, special and set apart from all other creation, with a mind that is capable of knowing Him.  Our brains, able to think and choose and decide for ourselves set us apart from animals and other living things.  God wanted someone who would choose him because of who He is.

So, he gives us a mind unlike any other, and with it comes the power to hurt or heal (ourselves or others).  And throughout our lives, it delights God when we seek after him.  When we bring our joy and sorrow alike to him.  When we acknowledge that we are nothing, specks of dust in the grand scheme of things.  And yet, he loves us immensely, more than we can even put into words or fathom.  It makes NO sense.  I know it doesn't make sense.  That doesn't mean it isn't true.  

So, when I watch the Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring) and I see and hear Arwen say, "If you want him, come and claim him." that feels like the gauntlet is being thrown down and I can't help but get excited and want to join her in that fight.

It is not lost on me that Jesus is Arwen for us here.  His blood covers us and when the enemy comes calling, and he will, Jesus steps in, his grace and mercy speaking for us, and he says to the devil, "If you want him, come and claim him."

And THEN, when the enemy pursues, God shows up.  His waters rush in and are too powerful for the enemy.  We are covered by his blood, by his grace, and nothing the enemy can do to us can extinguish that.  We are covered.  It gives me chills to think about this scene and how Jesus has stood at the fords of my deepest pain and shame and told the devil that if he wants me, he has to come and claim me from the grasp of God himself!  Which God has proven over and over again the devil is simply incapable of doing.  This keeps hope alive, even in the darker times.

It's Not About The Lights

One minute you're putting up Christmas decorations (not the tree...not before Thanksgiving of course!!), and the next, you're a weeping bundle of emotion, devastated because your husband is less than enthusiastic about the fireplace decorations that made your heart happy.  Is he a jerk?  Is he insensitive?  Is he rude?

Of course not.  

Does he care about Christmas decorations? No.  

Does he have any issues with ME putting up decorations?  No.  

And yet, the look on his face when I asked him if he saw the lights, and then the subsequent comment of "....um...they're lights..." utterly broke my heart.

Why?  Because it wasn't about the lights or the Christmas decorations.  And bless his heart, my husband listened when God urged him to ask me if there was something else going on outside of the lights that was upsetting me.  Because unbeknownst to my sweet husband, about an hour before the misunderstanding over the lights I was crying in the bathtub (my usual spot for self-reflection and weeping...of course...).  Because I had allowed some things that hurt my heart to kind of speak some lies to my heart.

I'm struggling to find my place.  

In life.  

At work.

As a mom.  

As a member at a new church.  

I feel disconnected.  I have tried to embrace female friendships and put myself out there.  It is terrifying and after months of pushing into this, I'm a little tired, and feeling like I'm not really connecting with anyone in the same way I see my husband doing.  And I found myself wondering tonight if I have any value.

It's the same lie that has chased me my entire life.  That I don't matter.  That I don't have anything to offer.  That if something bad were to happen, I would be alone.  I don't even believe it as I type that.  And yet, my heart was so heavy tonight with the lies, with the accusations.  Even as I could reason that it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, that what God has called me to (to SEE people and to LOVE people just as they are RIGHT NOW) is the ONLY thing that matters.

Here's the thing: insecurity creeps in ALL THE TIME.  It is like a constant war in my mind.  The same old lies come calling, and there is this tension because I can sense that they are lies, and yet they FEEL and SOUND so real, because I have always just accepted them as true.  Now that I am working hard to become stronger and heal and stop carrying my past shame and guilt around with me, I am increasingly aware of just HOW MANY lies took up home in my heart and mind.  Unlearning decades of lies, sorting through them, weighing them against the truth about who God says I am...it's all a bit confusing and sometimes it gets jumbled.

And sometimes I just get sad.  I used to want to rush past it and get back to "not sad" as quickly as possible.  These days, I'm learning to just sit in the sadness.  To just feel it.  To face what I am feeling, to confront and call out the lies, and speak the truth to my heart, even if I can't muster belief in the moment.  To change the structure of my brain by choosing to make a new groove.  It's OK that I feel sad.  It's okay that all I want to do tonight is lay here and cry.  It's OK, because what started out as me feeling utterly alone has brought me to this place of turning to Jesus.  Of crying out to the one who knows my pain, who sees my tears, and who longs to hold me until the tears stop and my body stills, and then keeps holding onto me.  

I can't even look at this place I am in right now and wish it away.  There is a certain beauty to understanding myself in new ways, and giving myself a little extra grace on the days where I am struggling to love myself.  The enemy is whispering lies in my mind, and yet through all the chaos and confusion, I hear God singing over me.  It's good to be so loved.