Wednesday, February 22, 2017

An Explanation and An Apology

I know it has been at least nine months since I've written anything.  A year ago, I went back to work for my husband's company.  To give you an idea of how my year has gone, I've been averaging 50-60 hours of work each week.  The lack of writing is simply a lack of time.  Well...no, that's not completely true.  It isn't that I haven't had any time.  It's that I am so exhausted after work, I just don't have the mental energy to write.  It's easier to zone out and watch TV than to confront my busy heart.

It's not a good excuse.  I realize that.  It just is what my life has been as of late.  It's been really difficult to focus on anything outside of work these days.  The business is in a REALLY good place, and if we press through now and weather the changes and lack of staff for the amount of work, we will be in a great place.  Both the business and Kris and I financially.  We want to move and we are so close to making that a reality.  We just aren't there yet and the time put in now, the investment in the company, will pay off.

But my heart has and will always be with this blog.  I should make more of an effort, but I am also trying not to beat myself up for not taking the time to write these last nine months.  I do see this as a ministry and for those of you still reading, for those still wanting to see new posts, I will return more regularly.  Some day.  Hopefully soon.  I miss getting my thoughts out and really evaluating where I am at spiritually and emotionally.  Truth be told, without this blog, without posting regularly, I'm probably not in as good of a place as I usually am with the regular writing.

It's a flaw.  It's a weakness.  Giving in to the exhaustion instead of doing what I know my heart needs.  So just know, when I go quiet, the world is getting the better of me.  As always, I'm laying it all out there.  This is me, and this is where I am at in life right now.  But I do promise, like I am sure I did the last time, to try to be better.  To write more.

So this song, it's really a message I want to get through to myself more than anything else tonight.  It's a reminder to me, to slow down and breathe.  Hopefully it will bless you as it has me.



Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
It’s off to the races everybody out the door
I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life
Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel you say just
Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe
Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
Want to make the most of time but I feel it slip away
I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life
I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see
That I only have time for me, me, me
There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life
I’m hanging on tight to another wild day
When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear you say just
Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to take it in, fill your lungs
The peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe (just breathe)
let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
Just breathe (just breathe)
Just breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe
Just breathe

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Without Running away

Often, I act rashly.

I tend to say things that I end up not living up to.

Mostly threats that I never follow through on.  This is especially true as I try to parent my teenage son.  Idle threats.  I'm not the best disciplinarian.  I make threats and do not consistently follow through.  Sometimes I get so angry and so frustrated, that I just say whatever I can in the moment.  Then I have to think of an elaborate excuse later to not have to follow through.

There are other scenarios where I do this.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

If We're Honest

I was going to start this post out with just a few lines from a song I'm currently obsessed with.  But as I started trying to find just a line or two from the song that felt like the best, I couldn't select just one or two.  The truth is, the entire song is amazing.  The lyrics hit so close to home with where I am at tonight.  Where I've been at, in general.  So, I'm just going to weave the lyrics through this post, and in usual fashion, I'll have a link to the video at the end.

Truth is harder than a lie
Dark seems safer than the light
Everyone has a heart that loves to hide

If you've heard my story, or you've read this blog before, you know that I am very open about my struggles and the person that I used to be.  This blog is nothing if not HONEST.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Your Hands

A word, for anyone struggling or suffering.  Remember whose hands hold you.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Be Held

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

If I could go back and change anything about my affair and the 7 & ½ years I spent running from God, it wouldn’t be the affair itself.  Hear me out.  I’m not saying I am proud of what I did.  I’m not saying that it was right or that I harbor some nostalgic feelings about that time in my life.  I do not.  I am actually quite disgusted by the life I lived and the things that I compromised for the sake of being “happy.”

Monday, November 23, 2015

Jesus Knows My Squirrel Suffering

I have this amazing ability to deal with the huge trials in life with dignity and peace, for the most part.

So, it always surprises me when the little things of this life get me down. And it isn't just a little sadness over this or that - it's deep, unrelenting anxiety for a time, over the smallest problems this life throws at me.

It's not secret that I hate my house. I am still in the process of learning to be content in this place I am quite literally stuck in. I'm a work in progress, especially where my home is concerned. If I tried to list all of the problems in our house it would be a short story, a very long laundry list of complaints. From the start, it was shoddy, at best. Sure, it looked great! Ready to move in. Underneath all the glitter though, the contractor who rehabbed it just saw problem after problem and chose to cover it up, not disclosing any of the issues that have haunted us these last 13 years. I'm actually quite surprised he didn't cover the horrid why-did-God-create-it-gumball tree with something, pretending it was any other kind of tree.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Break Every Chain

I think I've mentioned before that my favorite book series is The Wheel Of Time, by Robert Jordan. Rich story, amazing characters, emotional builds - so many good things I can say about it. I am re-listening to it for the third time. One afternoon last month, driving home from work, I found myself in tears over the scene I'm going to share with you. It spoke to my heart and it was a battle cry of sorts, one that echoed in my own heart.

At this point in the series, there is this White Tower that has always been a symbol of strength and power for the world. It was unshakable, if you will. No one ever thought anything bad could happen to the tower.

What many could not see though was the darkness that had taken root inside the White Tower. Women turned to The Shadow, which is a representation of all that is evil, and not at all unlike the devil to us. Because of this darkness, the foundation of the White Tower (on an emotional level, more than physical) was beginning to crumble. The women in the Tower were weak. They had been pulled and prodded, and many of them were beaten down by life and the constant war with the Shadow. In their deepest vulnerability, the enemy struck. Women were captured and taken away to the land of the enemy and the structure itself was deeply wounded and damaged. Throughout this battle though, there were women who fought with everything in them to protect the White Tower and to ensure that the power of good, the Light, remains.

It is in the midst of the rubble, after the battle, that they try to regroup and a strong leader takes her place to lead the White Tower. She speaks to the women who remain in the tower, who fight for the Light, and this is what she tells them:

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Sitting In The Rubble

Of all that I have experienced in my thirty-six years on this earth, nothing has changed me or impacted me as much as that day I accepted God's forgiveness.  Really accepted it.  The day I understood that the Cross was for me.  That I was worthy to be called unworthy and deserving of Jesus' death and resurrection.

When my eyes were opened to the extent of my sin and I had to face what a vile person I was, it wrecked me.  It tore me apart.  To the point that there were days I wasn't sure I could survive.  I couldn't believe everything I had done, all the people I had hurt, all the lies I had believed and the lies that I told.  I still have times where I think back to that time in my life and question, "Who were you?  What kind of person does that?"  I find myself appalled at my behavior.  At the audacity I had, the arrogance in my heart.  Honestly, I hope that I never, ever stop being appalled by the choices I made for so many years.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Enjoy The Ride

There are times when I am just sitting on the couch talking to my husband or kids, laughing, just living life, and it hits me all over again how blessed I am.

I am a broken vessel.

I have made so many mistakes in my life.

As a wife.

As a mother.

As a human.

I am flawed.