When there are a million thoughts swirling around in my head, it's hard to know where to start. Perhaps letting four days go by without sitting down to really work through it all by way of writing was a miscalculation on my part, but this is the first morning I've felt motivated to get the computer out and commit. Facebook posts/updates are easier, less intimidating, because I can just quickly spew what is happening in my brain and move on. Those posts are a band-aid when it comes to the balm that writing is to my soul. To put my thoughts down by way of the blog requires a lot more energy, time and effort, because this is where I really lay it all down. It's the place I come when life is too overwhelming and I don't know what else to do. So I write. And I write. And I write. And I begin to understand what is happening in my brain and I work to bring my body in line.
Not even two months ago, I heard a new song. Well, let's back up a little. I've been obsessed with the band Judah and the Lion since I saw the movie The Starling on Netflix, which featured their song "Find Another Reason Why." That song has significant meaning for Kris and I and our marriage. It made the list of about 20 songs we call "Our Songs." So over the last year, I have been obsessively collecting new favorite songs by Judah and the Lion.
During this same year, I became acquainted and then immediately obsessed with the artist Ellie Holcomb. Between her voice and deep, powerful lyrics, I can't seem to get enough of her. So my musical worlds collided recently when I saw that Judah and the Lion did a song with Ellie Holcomb called Kinda Wild. I shared it with Kris, maybe 2-3 weeks ago. He loved it immediately as well and life moved on. I continued to listen to the song several times a week, as I often do with anything new that I can't get out of my brain. Any time the song would come into my mind, I would listen to it. I kept thinking there's a real message to grasp onto here, and so I kept filling my mind with it, having no idea the impact it would have in the coming weeks.
That brings us to today, a mere 4 days since the words "blood cancer" entered our lives. Kris had been experiencing some back pain and other pain in his obliques for a month or so. He thought it was a strain, and tried to wear a back brace and do less heavy lifting. Over the last couple of weeks, his low back pain has worsened and on Thursday, he had trouble getting into his car to go to work. When I got home from working in office that morning, Kris decided to take my car to work (I drive an SUV which sits up higher and it is essential for my own spine issues). When he was trying to get out at the gas station on his way, he began having excruciating pain while standing. Prior, his pain was only really bad if he tried to transition (sitting, bending, etc...), but because it became nearly unbearable while standing also, Kris drove himself to the chiropractor. He had called to try to get in to see him a couple of hours early, but when he got there, and he spoke to the chiro on the phone, the chiro told him he needed to go to the ER or urgent care. Kris then called me to get my thoughts on ER vs. urgent care. Of course having experienced no shortage of back/neck issues over the last 2 decades, I told him to go to the ER, knowing that whatever was going on would be easier for an ER to handle, as they have access to more equipment and treatment protocols. So, he drove himself to Mercy and some time on Thursday afternoon our world suddenly came into focus in a way it hasn't before.
Tomorrow, Kris will have a bone marrow biopsy done to verify that he has the most common blood cancer, Multiple Myeloma. This cancer eats through the bones/spine, leaving little holes everywhere. The bones are weakened and the person with this cancer is highly susceptible to bone fractures. So, in addition to the cancer itself, the likely cause of Kris' back pain is at least one (possibly more) compression fracture at T11/T12. He was able to get up and move around, take a few walks using a back brace on steroids and a walker, which was significantly better than the day before. Finally having the ability to move around a bit more was a relief for Kris, and he has been able to alternate between laying in the bed and sitting in a chair. Big events happening for the Bishops this weekend-so much excitement between bed and chair. I say that in jest, but since he was bed-ridden and frustrated at the confinement before, now at least he can add a little variety into his day. You have to find a way to celebrate during the infinite hours of boredom that are the reality of any hospital stay.
While they keep saying they will be able to give us more information and a treatment plan once the biopsy confirms it is Multiple Myeloma, they keep saying he definitely has this blood cancer. The prognosis is good, and they keep telling us this is a very treatable cancer. After 3-4 months of meds and weekly visits with a hematologist, he should go into remission, at which point he will need to have a bone marrow transplant. They have come a really long way because it sounds like they won't use a bone marrow donor--they will take Kris' own stem cells to do it. I am fascinated when I think about the medical advancements we are able to experience.
So what does any of this have to do with a song by Judah and the Lion and Ellie Holcomb called Kinda Wild? Stay with me--I promise I'll get there.
Yesterday morning while I was driving to the hospital (I have to come home and sleep in my own bed out of necessity and kindness to my spine), I was listening to the Bible and heard this from Philippians 1:
18 But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.] 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me. 27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel 28 without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, 30 since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.
I have always loved this passage, and Kris and I both have had discussions about this. While we are here, we have a job to do. As long as God chooses to give us breath, we know that we are called to love God and love others. To live is Christ, to die is gain. Words like cancer bring the reality back that we are not promised a long or healthy life. The Bible assures us that if we follow Christ, in this life we WILL have trouble. So Kris and I have been pretty accepting of trials and trouble in our lives. No, it's not enjoyable to go through hard things, but we do try to welcome the troubles, because we understand that they are going to mold and shape us, and give us opportunities to deepen our faith. So while we are here, we will learn and grow and love and show grace. But let me tell you, we look forward to the day when our faith becomes sight and our pain is taken away.
And then I heard this, from chapter 2:
25 Meanwhile, I thought I should send Epaphroditus back to you. He is a true brother, co-worker, and fellow soldier. And he was your messenger to help me in my need. 26 I am sending him because he has been longing to see you, and he was very distressed that you heard he was ill. 27 And he certainly was ill; in fact, he almost died. But God had mercy on him—and also on me, so that I would not have one sorrow after another. That last line, "so that I would not have one sorrow after another," really struck a chord with me. And I found myself intensely grateful for God's timing. I have told several people over the last few days how grateful I am that I had two years of therapy under my belt before cancer entered our world. How our God loves us and knows when we are ready to face the next challenge. Just like God did with Paul, God has mercy on us, giving us time to breathe and heal in between sorrows. I know sometimes it can feel like you are being hit by one thing after another, and maybe that's true, but a time of rest does and will come. So, in a lot of ways, I feel like this was the right time for this particular adventure. I was not surprised by this diagnosis, and while I would prefer this not be our new normal, today I do not feel overwhelmingly burdened by the reality of it. Perhaps I am still in a little bit of shock, but overall, I am simply at peace. In thinking about the realities, in talking to people, I have a faith that has given me a peace I cannot explain. And yet, when I am alone, especially in the car driving, I have felt the heavy burden of the enemy's attacks on my mind. Rapid-fire, incessant thoughts fly by, trying to take me out. A different Jamie wouldn't recognize that they were happening. I would just follow the rabbit trail until I had planned out a funeral in my mind and envisioned what the grief would be like. Now, I am able to see what is happening in my brain, and while I haven't been able to fully hold onto the peace at every turn, I have been able to speak the name of Jesus over these mental attacks that want to keep me held in a place of fear. His perfect love drives out my fear and while one day I hope to just live in that consistently, for now, I will claim the victories he has already been giving me. And now to bring us full circle... Once my Bible reading plan finished, I turned on the song Kinda Wild, because the urge was so strong. I hadn't actually listened to it since sometime last week, so I turned it on, not knowing how it would all collide.
This time, I heard the song with new ears. The first thing I heard was how loved I am: Are you singing
Cause I love your melodies
Are you dancing
Wrapping your arms around me
Are you laughing
Cause I like to make you smile
Is it just a whisper
Cause that tends to be your style
Are you screaming
This love with you it can be kinda wild
As those words poured out of the speaker, I felt so much comfort and I felt love. I felt seen and known by the God who saved me. It felt like a hug.
As I listened to the chorus, I thought back to the conversations Kris and I have had about this song, and about all the ways it has impacted my life.
Come and change my focus
I don't notice where you're going near enough
Come and change my focus
Help us know what you've been doing over us
Come and change my focus. How many times do we need to pray that prayer? And imagine if we prayed that prayer often how different things would be? So many times we simply need a shift in focus. We need reminders of the bigger picture. This one horrible thing we face doesn't even scratch the surface of all the blessings and good experiences that are all around us. We just have to have our focus changed. We need to be reminded of where God is going, not where we WANT him to be going. We need to beg for God to reveal what he has been doing over us.
Kris and I are acutely aware of the growth and work God has done in our lives and marriage over the last two years especially. I know I keep going on and on about therapy, but it is an absolute game changer. Being able to understand yourself and why you do the things you do, and then being given tools to grow and mature emotionally is absolutely essential if you want to begin to feel peace. You have to understand your story, and then be able to engage with it, so that you can move forward, heal, and grow. My therapy process has in turn impacted my marriage in big ways. It has given us an opportunity to learn to speak to each other different. As I understand what I need, I can speak up and Kris is able to have clear direction on how to best love and support me. And as I learn to give myself grace, I am learning to give those around me grace as well.
So while we are indeed surprised by the cancer, we do not feel ill-equipped, on a spiritual level, to battle it. There's a line at the end of the song that says "Are you calling me out of my mind?" Come, Jesus come Call me out of my mind. My mind is a mess and a minefield littered with generations of fears and anxieties that don't belong. I need my focus to shift off of the what ifs. I need to be called out of my mind into the mind of Christ. I need to run into the arms of a God whose love for me is, in fact, kinda wild.
No comments:
Post a Comment