I've been thinking a lot over the last week about God's timing.
I have legitimately been afraid of my husband dying since before I ever met him. Until about 13 years ago, I never envisioned growing old. I never dreamed of my kids growing up to become adults. I never imagined I would be beautifully broken, unconditionally loved, and truly seen and known. I didn't know it could happen for me. I have spent the entirety of our marriage, up to this point, terrified that Kris would die. That he would abandon me. And that when he did, I would begin a downward spiral that I would never come out of. I have always thought that if Kris dies first, I'll never survive it. We have a long running joke that I have to die first, because we both knew he would handle it better. This particular fear has haunted me for decades.
Because I am acutely aware of this fear and no longer wish to be ruled by it, I have pressed into the hard work of making a new groove, one in which my first thought during a crisis isn't that he will surely die. When Kris got Covid during 2021, I came face to face with this fear. Not because he was dying. I had no evidence that he would. But the day I had to take him to the ER because of what was probably a faulty oxygen reader and the fear that was being stirred up by the media, that fear was all I could see. At that time, we were always hearing about people who went into the hospital and never came out. So, as I left my husband at the ER and drove away sobbing, I told God, "I'm not ready. I don't want to do this. I'm not ready to bury my husband." It was in that desperate moment when I heard God say that EVEN IF that happened, I would be okay. It was the first time I began to believe that if my deepest fear was realized, I could and I WOULD survive it. Within minutes of this realization and just enough peace settling in my heart, Kris called and said they told him to go home. He was there no more than 15 minutes, checked out and released. I felt at the time that my obedience in accepting that I would be okay if I lost my husband was rewarded by my husband coming straight back home. I was literally only 7 minutes into my drive home when he told me to come back.
Does that mean that the fear is completely gone?
No.
But the fear no longer has the same hold it once had on me. I know a truth about myself now that I repeat to myself when the fear comes to my mind: I WILL BE OKAY. And if the fear persists, I surrender the fear. And if it still persists, I call on the name of Jesus or if that feels too hard, reach out to a trusted friend who will do it for me. And then I move forward. I no longer stay stuck, rooted in fear. It still visits from time to time, but it is no longer allowed permanent residence here. One day I'll go completely no contact with fear. If not in this life (though that's my prayer), then the next.
Since that event in 2021, Kris has gotten sick or hurt several times. And every single time, my fear of abandonment is triggered. The last time was at the end of March, just before Easter. Kris had gotten Covid and had a tough time fighting it. As he was still in the thick of it, I got Influenza A. As he began to improve from Covid, he got the flu from me. Still coughing a lot and weak from that, he developed Bronchitis. It seemed like such a crazy 6 weeks! Who gets three big infections back to back to back? Looking back, it's clear it was the cancer. He has probably had the cancer for at least 8 months, and so his body's ability to heal itself was weakened and of course he couldn't get better as quickly.
Those 6 weeks tested and tried me. It was very difficult for me to regulate my nervous system. My safe place was unable to support me in the way I needed. The patient reassurance I was used to just stopped completely, because my husband was so tired and weak and sick. And I understood this at an intellectual level, but because I am very much still in a place of just starting to heal (even though there has been SO MUCH healing!), my body and my emotions were completely running on opposite sides and it was all I could do to meld them together and try to keep myself sane. And while there was growth, and I walked through it far better than I would have in previous years, I still felt like a petulant child at times. I needed my husband. I needed his conversation, his time, his emotional support, his physical help around the house, his ability to read my emotions or body language and step in if a panic attack was rising. He brings so much to the table, and I felt like I was failing at taking care of my husband who needed me. Often when he is sick, I look at how I handle it and feel that I bring nothing to the table. It's a struggle not to listen to the lies.
When he finally began to get better, he started to get back to the Kris I knew before. The one who had worked hard to learn how to tune into my emotions and partner with me in moving through the harder seasons. So my world began to settle and I could feel my equilibrium return. All was right with my world. I felt truly connected to him again and my sense of safety was restored. But I left that experience disappointed with my "performance." Shame tried to creep in and lie to me and tell me that I would never be able to put his needs before my own. That when push came to shove, I would make it about me. Whether intentional or not, I would somehow be unable to regulate my emotions and that would lead to me having a meltdown, which would lead to Kris having to try to deal with THAT while also just trying to stay alive.
God taught me a lot through that experience a couple of months ago, even though I still felt like I didn't quite get it right. He continues to give me opportunities to grow in this area. To learn how to step back, and truly sacrifice for someone else, because he knows that this is my heart's desire. I have been asking God for the last year, "More of you, less of me." I wrestle with this need to be seen, and I want to surrender that. And the best way I can think to do that is to become less. So I was surprised (and I wasn't) that God gave me another chance so soon on the back of a really, REALLY hard 6 week sickness roller coaster. It seems to me that God knew it was time to move me a little further...his timing is perfect, and he had been preparing me, leading up to this very moment.
Shortly after Kris was so sick and I thought he would die in 2021, I began Pain Reprocessing Therapy, where we have really sunk our teeth into trauma recovery, in an effort to also try to manage my physical pain. I have spent two years working to understand myself, to navigate through life in healthier ways, to grow and learn how to love myself. Within the last year, through therapy, I finally understood why Kris getting sick or hurt is so disruptive to me (triggers the abandonment fear), and why I treat him the way I do in those moments. It's like a non-stop panic attack, and like lighting, it would strike at whoever was in its path. There were many nights during that six week infection spell where Kris would be so exhausted as I had meltdown after meltdown because my safe place wasn't feeling so safe to me. He found himself having to tend to me, when it should have been the other way around. I felt AWFUL. But God is gracious and has been teaching me, and so ultimately I gave myself extra grace, and celebrated how I had grown, even though I wasn't where I felt I needed to be. And I prayed that the next time I was given a chance to grow in this area, I would do better.
Well, well, well...if it isn't another opportunity to learn how to give and sacrificed for Kris the way he has given and sacrificed for me for 25 years. And so far, so good. 😉 Not to toot my own horn (or maybe it is, to celebrate the growth), but I haven't gotten snippy or sarcastic or frustrated with Kris at all through any of this. God has been controlling my mind, which helps me control my tongue, and God has given me an abundance of patience that I wasn't sure I even possessed. I'm not naive enough to think that anxious Jamie won't slip out in a moment of weakness (because the exhaustion is real), but God has given me a calm spirit and a quietness in my soul in how I move through this. Before therapy, two years ago, you would have witnessed a very different approach to this current challenge.
Also in regards to timing, ONE week before we first heard the word cancer, our son moved back to St. Louis from Columbia, MO. One month before THAT, my sister moved to St. Louis from Kansas. She (and Kaleb) are now just 6-7 minutes away. Because of this, both of them have been able to support our family in ways that wouldn't have been possible before. None of us really understood the timing of the moves when it was all happening, but we all felt like it was the right call for everyone. As Katherine was moving out of our old home, we would need to figure out what to do with it. A few months ago my sister and I began talking about her moving here. I felt it in my bones that she needed to come here. I didn't pressure her, but I did encourage her from time to time. I thought it was just because we had connected, truly connected, as sisters for the first time ever, and I wanted to be able to nurture that more consistently. It turns out that I would need my sister just as much as she needed me.
Olivia has also been in a summer program that will lead to an internship, and it literally JUST ended the week Kris went to the hospital. So Olivia's time has freed up considerably. And I have seen Olivia step up at home, without even being asked. Making sure the dog is fed, doing the dishes, doing my laundry, washing the pool towels, and just being ready to help with whatever is needed. I'm so proud. Maybe it's because Olivia is my baby, but it wasn't until I watched this play out in front of me that I realized just how adult my adult Olivia is.
When we bought our house in 2022, we knew that because of me, we would need main level everything. So that was a requirement in a home. We didn't know how less than 2 years later, it would be essential for Kris as well. We closed on our house just 5 days before the church we attend had its first church service. We knew then that God's timing was perfect, as we moved into the house and then immediately began attending The House. We had been anticipating it's start for over a year, so to see both things come together at the same time was a beautiful thing to behold. And I could never have imagined how perfect our house would be for such a time as this, or how The House would show up for us this past week. Listen: through babies, emergencies, losses, and my 3 neck surgeries, we have always been blessed with support. But at The House, we have had it in abundance. All of our kids and many friends have stepped up and stepped in, helping in a variety of ways.
I'm not a gamer really, but this image of me playing a video game came to my mind. I've been going through life (this game) level after level. Trying to learn how to play to the game, working to improve my game play, and after years of crashing my car into a wall all the time, I have finally leveled up. I have made it my mission not just to study the game, but to get in it and PLAY. I want to play for that prize that endures, and so I press on. But like with many video games, there comes a boss level. This cancer, it's boss level. It's going to be harder than the other levels. It's going to likely involve many sleepless nights, playing nonstop, trying to make it through. But just like with a game, the boss CAN be defeated. This is boss level, and I have been preparing for this my entire marriage. I can do hard things. I can be brave. I can, because of Jesus in me. That is what sustains me. My hope is in the Lord. What can mere man (or cancer) do to us?
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