Available

Some events have transpired over the last month or so that have led me to a very specific place. Today, I began to see all of the fingerprints of God in those events intertwine. I got a glimpse of what he is calling me to. But, I only saw it as I walked forward in obedience to what he has placed on my heart.

About a month ago, I went to a church with a friend. The goal was to support this friend and try to obtain resources that were needed. The first thing that struck me as we walked into this church was the presence of two police officers, in their uniforms, sitting at a table in the foyer. At first, it struck me as a little odd. I put the thought in the back of my head and we went into the service. They were doing a send off for a new church plant and they called everyone up front that was going to be a part of it. One of the police officers went up, and I suddenly realized he was a member of the church and would be moving on to this church plant. It changed my perspective of him being there, in uniform. They called the family and friends up who were supporting those embarking on that mission, and the other police officer went up and laid his hand on the other's back.

I remember thinking, "Wow. That's pretty cool. These guys are in uniform, but actively participating in the service." It was a big church and I thought, sure, if you have the resources and members with a heart for serving in what they are trained in, it just makes sense. Beyond that, I had been planning to sit down and talk to a local officer I knew, as I had some questions I wanted to gain some clarity on. So, after the service, I went up and started talking to them. I was so curious and intrigued by them being there, in uniform, ready to assist in whatever way was needed. They were so friendly and kind, receptive to listening and it just blew my mind. I don't even know why--I am not sure what I expected.

After we left, I remember talking to Kris about seeing the officers and their purpose there. I was telling Kris that I didn't really know how God would use the Mental Health Coach certification I received in July. I don't see myself taking clients and coaching one on one in any formal setting, though I am open to it, should God lead me there. But I knew it would be used, in some way, as he has already been bringing people to me who need someone to walk through life with. I wouldn't have gone through the training if I hadn't wanted to serve with it in some capacity, but I didn't know what shape it would take-I tried not to envision much about it, as I didn't want to get ahead of God. I wanted to stay present with where I am right now and what I can offer at this time. The thought was just out there, floating around. The training actually helped me to understand pieces of my own story in new and deeper ways, and I was learning how to really step into the pain people face on a day to day basis.

So, when I saw those officers, something started in my heart. I thought about how we are all different and we all have different gifts. Those officers love the Lord, and want to use what they are trained for, to help the family of God in whatever ways God may call them, even if it's just answering random questions from some girl that doesn't even go to their church.

The bottom line was this: they were AVAILABLE.

So over the last few weeks, this has been on my heart more and more. This idea of using the training I have received and just being available. Last week, I took a brave step forward and talked to our prayer team leader about my heart and what I wanted to be able to do within our body of believers in Ferguson. My heart is deeply stirred around the idea of mental health and stepping into the very real pain that people walk through. I had told the pastors when I was still doing the training that I would love to possibly have a mental health team in our church and I believe God will guide and develop that.

Our church is a big proponent of prayer. It is focused on, highlighted, and reiterated week after week. People are encouraged to bring their cares to the Lord, and to our church family, who will listen and pray and offer support. But as this has been stirring in me, I felt like there might be times where more is needed.

What about the person who is having a really hard morning, or someone who might be in crisis? A few minutes of prayer simply may not be long enough to really be the Church to someone else. One plants, one waters and God makes it grow. Sometimes, a person needs more. A little more time. A little more prayer. A little more opportunity to just unload the heavy weight they are carrying simply by talking about it and weeping over it to bring the cleansing that comes through our tears. You can't do ALL of that in a few minutes at the end of a church service.

Last week, as this had all been swirling around in my brain, I took a brave step forward (believe me, I was SCARED but did it anyway) and went to a meeting with our prayer team, unsure where what I wanted to do would fit in. I talked to the lady heading it up and shared my heart. She had expressed she too was a mental health coach, and that another member was wanting to start a FamGroup around mental health. This affirmed for me that God most definitely has a plan for The House to be a place where mental health is held tenderly, where people can come and find true respite from the weariness that is life. She advised she would talk to the powers that be so we could begin to see what this would look like. I went to her and I just told her that I wanted to be available. Before, during, and after our services. So if the prayer team identified anyone who might need to be loved on a little more, they would be able to bring that person to me or anyone else God calls to this in our tiny piece of the world. The Bible tells us to comfort those with the comfort we have received. It tells us to weep with those who weep. To mourn with those who mourn. The best way to do that is to get into the trenches with the person who is experiencing pain, loss, heartbreak or grief. To listen. To pray. To give godly counsel, should God direct. But mostly to remind others that they are not alone.

We didn't get a chance to connect during the week as there was a big event that was taking place. This morning, I decided that I was just going to get up and go up to church early. I texted the prayer team leader and let her know. She advised she was not going to be there and hadn't had a chance to coordinate anything yet. So she gave me a couple names of people and encouraged me to tell them I was there and what I wanted to do. I texted one of the people right away, knowing full well they may not even see it, as church had already started.

I was anxious and felt the roil in my stomach on my drive to church. I sat in my car and I asked God to use me. To help me to walk bravely forward, even in the midst of my fear.

I walked into the building and within minutes the anxiety I was feeling physically began to abate. I was able to connect with some friends that I don't usually see at the service I attend. I told a couple people what I was doing there, as many were surprised to see my face before 11:30am.

Around 11:15, I went into the sanctuary to find my seat. I had been told about situations during both the first and second service where people may have needed what I was wanting to provide, and I felt like I had missed some opportunity, because I hadn't verbally told those in charge why I was there. I had texted one of the people in charge to let her know, but I hadn't shared with the connections pastor. I think I was nervous about how to have that conversation face to face. There's a big part of me that feels a lot safer with the written word. But when I use my voice, I tend to cower a little bit. The enemy threw this lie at me: "Are you SURE God is calling you to this? Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you aren't hearing the voice of God." The enemy wants to keep me in fear, because he knows how paralyzing it can be. But after letting two opportunities go by, with 4 minutes before the third service started, I took a breath and I went over to talk to the pastor. I just briefly shared my thoughts and how I wanted to be available. He said they would talk about it and figure out what it would look like. I went back to my seat and the service began.

We weren't even done with the THIRD song before the pastor came and tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to come with him. I was like, "Wow, that was fast!" I didn't know what he wanted, but I knew what I would find when I followed. I knew that I was going to find someone who needed a little extra care, a little extra support, and a little extra love. And God, because He is who He is, knew that I ALSO needed this experience, on so many levels. It would have been enough just to know God was affirming what I knew He was calling me to. But God.

It shouldn't have surprised me that the issue the person was dealing with was cancer. I remember all too well-because not a lot of time has passed since I began that journey myself-what it was like to go back and forth between trusting God and crying out to him to bring peace into a situation that was far outside of my control. Fighting fear with faith. Putting what I believe into practice. And here was this woman on her own journey, who was having a moment and needed support. There were three of us in the room with this beautiful woman, and each one of us has been touched by cancer in different ways. Mostly we listened. Much of the time, that's all someone needs in a moment of deep grief. They need to feel safe to say as much or as little as they need. When she cried, I cried. As my tears flowed, I asked God to allow me to take on some of her grief, to ease the burden even a tiny bit. As I prayed this prayer, one of the ladies was praying out loud and what she was speaking to this woman was also speaking to me and helping to soothe my heart in places where I still hurt, even though mostly I am confident throughout this journey with Kris. I am not unsettled about Kris' cancer, and feel a great deal of peace, but there are still moments where the enemy tries to come at me with lies and we're getting ready to talk to Wash U this week about the bone marrow transplant.

But my eyes are on my Savior. And like always, he showed up. I was comforted through my friend Cynthia's prayer. But I really began to sob when this woman carrying her own heavy burden cried out to God on MY and my husband's behalf. How God ministered to me with the same comfort and care he has called me to give, from the mouth and heart of someone who is also struggling with huge life events.

This is what God does when you walk forward in obedience. I'm just here for the ride. He simply asks me to be available. So I will be.