I have spent the last 18 years raising kids, and more often than not, being absolutely terrified that I will be the reason why my kids need years and years of therapy just to lead happy and healthy lives. I have spent so much time fretting and second guessing myself, and worrying. Wondering if saying this or doing that will ruin their childhoods. I want my kids to have good memories when they look back at their childhood. I want them to see that yeah, I made mistakes. I failed. Many times. I yelled too much. I was too edgy too often, regardless of the legitimate pain and anxiety and depression behind it all. But I don't want them to only remember that.
I want them to remember that when I failed, when I yelled or made them cry, and it was done out of anger of something else unjustified, that I said I'm sorry. That I acknowledged where I had made mistakes and I apologized. That I made amends. That I squared my shoulders and tried harder to do it right next time. That I failed again, and that I owned it, once again.
I don't live with the delusion that they won't remember any bad times. That's not what I'm talking about. I want them to see good, even in the bad times. I want them to see redemption. I want them to know that I tried. I tried so hard to do it right. And I want them to know that I know that I didn't always live up to their expectations. I certainly don't live up to my own, which I admit are likely unattainable.
