God's Timing Just Makes Sense

 I've been thinking a lot over the last week about God's timing.

I have legitimately been afraid of my husband dying since before I ever met him.  Until about 13 years ago, I never envisioned growing old.  I never dreamed of my kids growing up to become adults.  I never imagined I would be beautifully broken, unconditionally loved, and truly seen and known.  I didn't know it could happen for me.  I have spent the entirety of our marriage, up to this point, terrified that Kris would die.  That he would abandon me.  And that when he did, I would begin a downward spiral that I would never come out of.  I have always thought that if Kris dies first, I'll never survive it.  We have a long running joke that I have to die first, because we both knew he would handle it better.  This particular fear has haunted me for decades.

Because I am acutely aware of this fear and no longer wish to be ruled by it, I have pressed into the hard work of making a new groove, one in which my first thought during a crisis isn't that he will surely die.  When Kris got Covid during 2021, I came face to face with this fear.  Not because he was dying.  I had no evidence that he would.  But the day I had to take him to the ER because of what was probably a faulty oxygen reader and the fear that was being stirred up by the media, that fear was all I could see.  At that time, we were always hearing about people who went into the hospital and never came out.  So, as I left my husband at the ER and drove away sobbing, I told God, "I'm not ready.  I don't want to do this.  I'm not ready to bury my husband."  It was in that desperate moment when I heard God say that EVEN IF that happened, I would be okay.  It was the first time I began to believe that if my deepest fear was realized, I could and I WOULD survive it.  Within minutes of this realization and just enough peace settling in my heart, Kris called and said they told him to go home.  He was there no more than 15 minutes, checked out and released.  I felt at the time that my obedience in accepting that I would be okay if I lost my husband was rewarded by my husband coming straight back home.  I was literally only 7 minutes into my drive home when he told me to come back.

Does that mean that the fear is completely gone?  

No.  

But the fear no longer has the same hold it once had on me.  I know a truth about myself now that I repeat to myself when the fear comes to my mind: I WILL BE OKAY.  And if the fear persists, I surrender the fear.  And if it still persists, I call on the name of Jesus or if that feels too hard, reach out to a trusted friend who will do it for me.  And then I move forward.  I no longer stay stuck, rooted in fear.  It still visits from time to time, but it is no longer allowed permanent residence here.  One day I'll go completely no contact with fear.  If not in this life (though that's my prayer), then the next.  

Since that event in 2021, Kris has gotten sick or hurt several times.  And every single time, my fear of abandonment is triggered.  The last time was at the end of March, just before Easter.  Kris had gotten Covid and had a tough time fighting it.  As he was still in the thick of it, I got Influenza A.  As he began to improve from Covid, he got the flu from me.  Still coughing a lot and weak from that, he developed Bronchitis.  It seemed like such a crazy 6 weeks!  Who gets three big infections back to back to back?  Looking back, it's clear it was the cancer.  He has probably had the cancer for at least 8 months, and so his body's ability to heal itself was weakened and of course he couldn't get better as quickly.  

Those 6 weeks tested and tried me.  It was very difficult for me to regulate my nervous system.  My safe place was unable to support me in the way I needed.  The patient reassurance I was used to just stopped completely, because my husband was so tired and weak and sick.  And I understood this at an intellectual level, but because I am very much still in a place of just starting to heal (even though there has been SO MUCH healing!), my body and my emotions were completely running on opposite sides and it was all I could do to meld them together and try to keep myself sane.  And while there was growth, and I walked through it far better than I would have in previous years, I still felt like a petulant child at times.  I needed my husband.  I needed his conversation, his time, his emotional support, his physical help around the house, his ability to read my emotions or body language and step in if a panic attack was rising.  He brings so much to the table, and I felt like I was failing at taking care of my husband who needed me.  Often when he is sick, I look at how I handle it and feel that I bring nothing to the table.  It's a struggle not to listen to the lies.

When he finally began to get better, he started to get back to the Kris I knew before.  The one who had worked hard to learn how to tune into my emotions and partner with me in moving through the harder seasons.  So my world began to settle and I could feel my equilibrium return.  All was right with my world.  I felt truly connected to him again and my sense of safety was restored.  But I left that experience disappointed with my "performance."  Shame tried to creep in and lie to me and tell me that I would never be able to put his needs before my own.  That when push came to shove, I would make it about me.  Whether intentional or not, I would somehow be unable to regulate my emotions and that would lead to me having a meltdown, which would lead to Kris having to try to deal with THAT while also just trying to stay alive.

God taught me a lot through that experience a couple of months ago, even though I still felt like I didn't quite get it right.  He continues to give me opportunities to grow in this area.  To learn how to step back, and truly sacrifice for someone else, because he knows that this is my heart's desire.  I have been asking God for the last year, "More of you, less of me."  I wrestle with this need to be seen, and I want to surrender that.  And the best way I can think to do that is to become less.  So I was surprised (and I wasn't) that God gave me another chance so soon on the back of a really, REALLY hard 6 week sickness roller coaster.  It seems to me that God knew it was time to move me a little further...his timing is perfect, and he had been preparing me, leading up to this very moment.  

Shortly after Kris was so sick and I thought he would die in 2021, I began Pain Reprocessing Therapy, where we have really sunk our teeth into trauma recovery, in an effort to also try to manage my physical pain.  I have spent two years working to understand myself, to navigate through life in healthier ways, to grow and learn how to love myself.  Within the last year, through therapy, I finally understood why Kris getting sick or hurt is so disruptive to me (triggers the abandonment fear), and why I treat him the way I do in those moments.  It's like a non-stop panic attack, and like lighting, it would strike at whoever was in its path.  There were many nights during that six week infection spell where Kris would be so exhausted as I had meltdown after meltdown because my safe place wasn't feeling so safe to me.  He found himself having to tend to me, when it  should have been the other way around.  I felt AWFUL.  But God is gracious and has been teaching me, and so ultimately I gave myself extra grace, and celebrated how I had grown, even though I wasn't where I felt I needed to be. And I prayed that the next time I was given a chance to grow in this area, I would do better.  

Well, well, well...if it isn't another opportunity to learn how to give and sacrificed for Kris the way he has given and sacrificed for me for 25 years.  And so far, so good.  😉 Not to toot my own horn (or maybe it is, to celebrate the growth), but I haven't gotten snippy or sarcastic or frustrated with Kris at all through any of this.  God has been controlling my mind, which helps me control my tongue, and God has given me an abundance of patience that I wasn't sure I even possessed.  I'm not naive enough to think that anxious Jamie won't slip out in a moment of weakness (because the exhaustion is real), but God has given me a calm spirit and a quietness in my soul in how I move through this.   Before therapy, two years ago, you would have witnessed a very different approach to this current challenge.

Also in regards to timing, ONE week before we first heard the word cancer, our son moved back to St. Louis from Columbia, MO.  One month before THAT, my sister moved to St. Louis from Kansas.  She (and Kaleb) are now just 6-7 minutes away.  Because of this, both of them have been able to support our family in ways that wouldn't have been possible before.  None of us really understood the timing of the moves when it was all happening, but we all felt like it was the right call for everyone.  As Katherine was moving out of our old home, we would need to figure out what to do with it.  A few months ago my sister and I began talking about her moving here.  I felt it in my bones that she needed to come here.  I didn't pressure her, but I did encourage her from time to time.  I thought it was just because we had connected, truly connected, as sisters for the first time ever, and I wanted to be able to nurture that more consistently.  It turns out that I would need my sister just as much as she needed me.  

Olivia has also been in a summer program that will lead to an internship, and it literally JUST ended the week Kris went to the hospital.  So Olivia's time has freed up considerably.  And I have seen Olivia step up at home, without even being asked.  Making sure the dog is fed, doing the dishes, doing my laundry, washing the pool towels, and just being ready to help with whatever is needed.  I'm so proud.  Maybe it's because Olivia is my baby, but it wasn't until I watched this play out in front of me that I realized just how adult my adult Olivia is.

When we bought our house in 2022, we knew that because of me, we would need main level everything.  So that was a requirement in a home. We didn't know how less than 2 years later, it would be essential for Kris as well.  We closed on our house just 5 days before the church we attend had its first church service.  We knew then that God's timing was perfect, as we moved into the house and then immediately began attending The House.  We had been anticipating it's start for over a year, so to see both things come together at the same time was a beautiful thing to behold.  And I could never have imagined how perfect our house would be for such a time as this, or how The House would show up for us this past week.  Listen: through babies, emergencies, losses, and my 3 neck surgeries, we have always been blessed with support.  But at The House, we have had it in abundance.  All of our kids and many friends have stepped up and stepped in, helping in a variety of ways.  

I'm not a gamer really, but this image of me playing a video game came to my mind.  I've been going through life (this game) level after level.  Trying to learn how to play to the game, working to improve my game play, and after years of crashing my car into a wall all the time, I have finally leveled up.  I have made it my mission not just to study the game, but to get in it and PLAY.  I want to play for that prize that endures, and so I press on.  But like with many video games, there comes a boss level.  This cancer, it's boss level.  It's going to be harder than the other levels.  It's going to likely involve many sleepless nights, playing nonstop, trying to make it through.  But just like with a game, the boss CAN be defeated.  This is boss level, and I have been preparing for this my entire marriage.  I can do hard things.  I can be brave.  I can, because of Jesus in me.  That is what sustains me.  My hope is in the Lord.  What can mere man (or cancer) do to us?  

A Kinda Wild Cancer Ride

When there are a million thoughts swirling around in my head, it's hard to know where to start.  Perhaps letting four days go by without sitting down to really work through it all by way of writing was a miscalculation on my part, but this is the first morning I've felt motivated to get the computer out and commit.  Facebook posts/updates are easier, less intimidating, because I can just quickly spew what is happening in my brain and move on.  Those posts are a band-aid when it comes to the balm that writing is to my soul.  To put my thoughts down by way of the blog requires a lot more energy, time and effort, because this is where I really lay it all down.  It's the place I come when life is too overwhelming and I don't know what else to do.  So I write.  And I write.  And I write.  And I begin to understand what is happening in my brain and I work to bring my body in line.

Not even two months ago, I heard a new song.  Well, let's back up a little.  I've been obsessed with the band Judah and the Lion since I saw the movie The Starling on Netflix, which featured their song "Find Another Reason Why."  That song has significant meaning for Kris and I and our marriage.  It made the list of about 20 songs we call "Our Songs."  So over the last year, I have been obsessively collecting new favorite songs by Judah and the Lion.  

During this same year, I became acquainted and then immediately obsessed with the artist Ellie Holcomb.  Between her voice and deep, powerful lyrics, I can't seem to get enough of her.  So my musical worlds collided recently when I saw that Judah and the Lion did a song with Ellie Holcomb called Kinda Wild.  I shared it with Kris, maybe 2-3 weeks ago.  He loved it immediately as well and life moved on.  I continued to listen to the song several times a week, as I often do with anything new that I can't get out of my brain.  Any time the song would come into my mind, I would listen to it.  I kept thinking there's a real message to grasp onto here, and so I kept filling my mind with it, having no idea the impact it would have in the coming weeks.

That brings us to today, a mere 4 days since the words "blood cancer" entered our lives.  Kris had been experiencing some back pain and other pain in his obliques for a month or so.  He thought it was a strain, and tried to wear a back brace and do less heavy lifting.  Over the last couple of weeks, his low back pain has worsened and on Thursday, he had trouble getting into his car to go to work.  When I got home from working in office that morning, Kris decided to take my car to work (I drive an SUV which sits up higher and it is essential for my own spine issues).  When he was trying to get out at the gas station on his way, he began having excruciating pain while standing.  Prior, his pain was only really bad if he tried to transition (sitting, bending, etc...), but because it became nearly unbearable while standing also, Kris drove himself to the chiropractor.  He had called to try to get in to see him a couple of hours early, but when he got there, and he spoke to the chiro on the phone, the chiro told him he needed to go to the ER or urgent care.  Kris then called me to get my thoughts on ER vs. urgent care.  Of course having experienced no shortage of back/neck issues over the last 2 decades, I told him to go to the ER, knowing that whatever was going on would be easier for an ER to handle, as they have access to more equipment and treatment protocols.  So, he drove himself to Mercy and some time on Thursday afternoon our world suddenly came into focus in a way it hasn't before.

Tomorrow, Kris will have a bone marrow biopsy done to verify that he has the most common blood cancer, Multiple Myeloma.  This cancer eats through the bones/spine, leaving little holes everywhere.  The bones are weakened and the person with this cancer is highly susceptible to bone fractures.  So, in addition to the cancer itself, the likely cause of Kris' back pain is at least one (possibly more) compression fracture at T11/T12.  He was able to get up and move around, take a few walks using a back brace on steroids and a walker, which was significantly better than the day before.  Finally having the ability to move around a bit more was a relief for Kris, and he has been able to alternate between laying in the bed and sitting in a chair.  Big events happening for the Bishops this weekend-so much excitement between bed and chair.  I say that in jest, but since he was bed-ridden and frustrated at the confinement before, now at least he can add a little variety into his day.  You have to find a way to celebrate during the infinite hours of boredom that are the reality of any hospital stay.

While they keep saying they will be able to give us more information and a treatment plan once the biopsy confirms it is Multiple Myeloma, they keep saying he definitely has this blood cancer.  The prognosis is good, and they keep telling us this is a very treatable cancer.  After 3-4 months of meds and weekly visits with a hematologist, he should go into remission, at which point he will need to have a bone marrow transplant.  They have come a really long way because it sounds like they won't use a bone marrow donor--they will take Kris' own stem cells to do it.  I am fascinated when I think about the medical advancements we are able to experience.

So what does any of this have to do with a song by Judah and the Lion and Ellie Holcomb called Kinda Wild?  Stay with me--I promise I'll get there.

Yesterday morning while I was driving to the hospital (I have to come home and sleep in my own bed out of necessity and kindness to my spine), I was listening to the Bible and heard this from Philippians 1:

18 But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.] 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me. 27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel 28 without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, 30 since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.

I have always loved this passage, and Kris and I both have had discussions about this.  While we are here, we have a job to do.  As long as God chooses to give us breath, we know that we are called to love God and love others.  To live is Christ, to die is gain.  Words like cancer bring the reality back that we are not promised a long or healthy life.  The Bible assures us that if we follow Christ, in this life we WILL have trouble.  So Kris and I have been pretty accepting of trials and trouble in our lives.  No, it's not enjoyable to go through hard things, but we do try to welcome the troubles, because we understand that they are going to mold and shape us, and give us opportunities to deepen our faith.  So while we are here, we will learn and grow and love and show grace.  But let me tell you, we look forward to the day when our faith becomes sight and our pain is taken away.  

And then I heard this, from chapter 2:

25 Meanwhile, I thought I should send Epaphroditus back to you. He is a true brother, co-worker, and fellow soldier. And he was your messenger to help me in my need. 26 I am sending him because he has been longing to see you, and he was very distressed that you heard he was ill. 27 And he certainly was ill; in fact, he almost died. But God had mercy on him—and also on me, so that I would not have one sorrow after another. That last line, "so that I would not have one sorrow after another," really struck a chord with me. And I found myself intensely grateful for God's timing. I have told several people over the last few days how grateful I am that I had two years of therapy under my belt before cancer entered our world. How our God loves us and knows when we are ready to face the next challenge. Just like God did with Paul, God has mercy on us, giving us time to breathe and heal in between sorrows. I know sometimes it can feel like you are being hit by one thing after another, and maybe that's true, but a time of rest does and will come. So, in a lot of ways, I feel like this was the right time for this particular adventure. I was not surprised by this diagnosis, and while I would prefer this not be our new normal, today I do not feel overwhelmingly burdened by the reality of it. Perhaps I am still in a little bit of shock, but overall, I am simply at peace. In thinking about the realities, in talking to people, I have a faith that has given me a peace I cannot explain. And yet, when I am alone, especially in the car driving, I have felt the heavy burden of the enemy's attacks on my mind. Rapid-fire, incessant thoughts fly by, trying to take me out. A different Jamie wouldn't recognize that they were happening. I would just follow the rabbit trail until I had planned out a funeral in my mind and envisioned what the grief would be like. Now, I am able to see what is happening in my brain, and while I haven't been able to fully hold onto the peace at every turn, I have been able to speak the name of Jesus over these mental attacks that want to keep me held in a place of fear. His perfect love drives out my fear and while one day I hope to just live in that consistently, for now, I will claim the victories he has already been giving me. And now to bring us full circle... Once my Bible reading plan finished, I turned on the song Kinda Wild, because the urge was so strong. I hadn't actually listened to it since sometime last week, so I turned it on, not knowing how it would all collide.

This time, I heard the song with new ears. The first thing I heard was how loved I am: Are you singing

Cause I love your melodies

Are you dancing

Wrapping your arms around me

Are you laughing

Cause I like to make you smile

Is it just a whisper

Cause that tends to be your style

Are you screaming

This love with you it can be kinda wild

As those words poured out of the speaker, I felt so much comfort and I felt love.  I felt seen and known by the God who saved me.  It felt like a hug.

As I listened to the chorus, I thought back to the conversations Kris and I have had about this song, and about all the ways it has impacted my life.  

Come and change my focus

I don't notice where you're going near enough

Come and change my focus

Help us know what you've been doing over us
Come and change my focus.  How many times do we need to pray that prayer?  And imagine if we prayed that prayer often how different things would be?  So many times we simply need a shift in focus.  We need reminders of the bigger picture.  This one horrible thing we face doesn't even scratch the surface of all the blessings and good experiences that are all around us.  We just have to have our focus changed.  We need to be reminded of where God is going, not where we WANT him to be going.  We need to beg for God to reveal what he has been doing over us.

Kris and I are acutely aware of the growth and work God has done in our lives and marriage over the last two years especially.  I know I keep going on and on about therapy, but it is an absolute game changer.  Being able to understand yourself and why you do the things you do, and then being given tools to grow and mature emotionally is absolutely essential if you want to begin to feel peace.  You have to understand your story, and then be able to engage with it, so that you can move forward, heal, and grow.  My therapy process has in turn impacted my marriage in big ways.  It has given us an opportunity to learn to speak to each other different.  As I understand what I need, I can speak up and Kris is able to have clear direction on how to best love and support me.  And as I learn to give myself grace, I am learning to give those around me grace as well.

So while we are indeed surprised by the cancer, we do not feel ill-equipped, on a spiritual level, to battle it.  There's a line at the end of the song that says "Are you calling me out of my mind?"  Come, Jesus come  Call me out of my mind.  My mind is a mess and a minefield littered with generations of fears and anxieties that don't belong.  I need my focus to shift off of the what ifs.  I need to be called out of my mind into the mind of Christ.  I need to run into the arms of a God whose love for me is, in fact, kinda wild.