Thursday, July 11, 2013

I find you when...

...I fall apart.

I think about the song "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson often.  I go through periods of heavy attack.  Satan shoots arrows, filled with poisonous thoughts, at my mind, at random intervals throughout the day.  They have become easier to fight off, and it is almost second nature to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.

But sometimes a sadness creeps in, and the enemy uses these moments to attack.  He really does pounce like a lion, waiting to devour his prey.  Satan is fierce.  He does NOT want me to turn to Jesus.  I can remember a time, about a year ago, where I was feeling extreme sadness.  I headed to church for VBS, and I just felt like I was going to cry at any moment.  Kris wasn't there yet and I was overcome with a heavy weight of sadness.  But I had to pull it together.  I couldn't just walk around crying could I?

All the while, I kept thinking "I know there is a song that says something about falling apart."  I remember feeling so fragile, and like I would 'fall apart' at any moment.

VBS got started and I began taking pictures; I had somehow pulled myself together.  I never did burst into tears, which was good in the sense that it would have been awkward and I would have been unable to explain to those around me what was happening.  But at the same time, I knew I needed to weep about whatever it was I was feeling, and couldn't in that moment.

So then God did what He always does.  He sent me a gift as I drove home from VBS that night.  It was the exact song I had been trying to remember, ever since the enemy began his assault on me earlier that afternoon.  I just love this song.  The lyrics are so powerful.  They always remind me of how I was feeling when I first came home to Kris, and leading up to me finally accepting God's grace and forgiveness:

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me
My whole world is caving
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me and somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when
I fall apart

It calms me and soothes my heart.  It gives me peace and makes me grateful to have a God that cares enough for me to orchestrate things in such a way that when I was driving home that night a year ago, this song came on.  I am just amazed at God's kindness and the depth of His love for me.  And that He assures me that it is okay to fall apart.  That I can find him, and he'll find me, when I fall apart.  Don't be afraid to fall apart.

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