Saturday, June 22, 2013

Breathe my heart back to life

I would like to think that, with everything I have gone through in my life thus far, nothing can hurt me.

I'd like to believe that something can happen, and it can just roll off of me, causing me no distress.

I'd like to believe that I've gone through the worst pain I could go through in my life; therefore, I will never hurt again.

At first, acknowledging that the above statements just won't ring true leads me to feel weak.

And yet, all I hear screaming at me instead is this:

You are resilient.

You will move past the hurt and the pain that will come your way, and you will be stronger.  You will take those moments and those times in your life, add them to your story, and let them be a testimony of the incredible work that God has done in your life.

Sometimes it takes a broken heart, hurt, or pain to move me forward in writing again.  While I think this can actually be a good thing, there is no comfort in enduring the pain outside of what only God can provide.  That, and my husband's hand in mine, holding me as I cry through it.  With Kris by my side, I feel like I can face anything.

Is this some cheesy comment from someone who is pretending to be happy but is dying on the inside?


It's just me.

Heartbroken right now, but simultaneously eternally grateful for the change in my heart, in my husband, and in my marriage.  You can't know how good it can be until you've gone through hell and back together.  Honestly, I have no idea how I would have handled a situation that happened today without Kris and another dear friend that was here with me.

While I don't make friends easily, and while I have lost some along the way, there are two people who stand out as having weathered a fierce storm with me, and come out with so much unconditional love and grace.  I'm feeling hurt.  Betrayed really.  Even though I can understand what led to it.  My heart hurts.  And as I try to write about it, and reflect on it, as this is my way of processing the pain that I feel was inflicted upon me, I can't help but think of these two amazing people who have shown me grace above and beyond anything I ever imagined possible.

One of them is obviously my husband.  I don't care what his struggle for 20+ years was.  I don't care about his addiction and all the hurt that nearly brought us to ruin.  Instead, I think about what I put that man through, how I broke my marriage vows and betrayed him, and how even with all of that, he loves me.  He wants me.  He needs me.  Broken and being put back together by God, one piece at a time, that man is amazing.  The way he treats me.  The way he looks at me.  The way he forgives me and doesn't hold my past in my face.  The way he works hard to make me happy, even though that isn't even really his "job."  The way he holds me without speaking, when I have tears streaming down my face.  The way he doesn't truly understand all the emotion I am feeling, but none of that matters.  I can tell you with 100% confidence that when he holds me in those moments, he is thinking "God I love this woman and I am so grateful that I have her back."

Two years ago, I had no such assurance.  I meant nothing to anyone.  At least, that is how I thought.  It is what I believed.  But today, if I have learned nothing else (and believe me I have learned A LOT), I have learned to believe that what my husband says he thinks about me is actually true.  I cannot even begin to describe to you how this feels.

And then there is this other friend of mine.  She knows who she is.  Or, she will if she reads this.  She loves me when from the world's standards, I deserve her hatred.  I deserve her scorn.  I deserve her anger and un-forgiveness.

When I think about the hurt that happened in my heart today, I am tempted to think about how alone I am.  I am tempted to think "I have no 'real' friends."  And then, she comes to my mind.  And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this woman of God is one of the truest friends I will ever have.  Because she knows what I've done.  She knows hurt and pain and betrayal.  She knows the ugliest parts of me.  And she has every right to hate me.

But she doesn't.

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around it.  It is only in view of just how much God loves me that I can begin to understand how this woman can metaphorically wrap her arms around me and hold me through my own pain, while she embraces her own.

I knew that I needed to write tonight.  As usual, I wasn't sure what form it would take. I just knew that my heart was hurting so badly, and I was feeling betrayed.  I was feeling broken and used.  And I was thinking, "How can I move past this?  How can I let it go and not be in so much pain over it?"

And as quickly as those thoughts came, the recognition that they were lies from the enemy shot through my mind and I began to think about what Kris and this friend mean to me (not to mention countless others I have been able to share my story with, who have supported me along the way).  How I spent time with both of them today, and was refreshed and encouraged.  How in their own ways, they brought me comfort, long before I even needed it tonight.  How their acts of kindness are helping me process this new hurt and putting things into perspective.  It doesn't lessen the pain that I feel right now.  But it reminds me that I am so dearly loved, and by the people in my life that truly know what it means to extend God's unconditional love to me.

And, I know that is enough.


  1. True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.