Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Begin Again

This is not the way that it should end
It's the way it should begin
It's the way it should begin again

Those are lyrics from a song by Colbie Caillat I heard earlier into my marriage restoration process.

This concept of all the pain and fighting not ending the relationship.

Using them to start over.

To begin again.

I can't get you back to that one time
'Cause you and I are still recovering

Kris and I can never go back to the way it was before.

Before the addiction wove webs of lies and deceit and distance into our marriage.

Before the affair that was finally exposed and forced us to either run away with the rest of the world or stand and fight with the minority.

Why can't we go back?

Because we're still recovering.

Just because we are loving towards one another, committed to our marriage and to God, and willing to stand and fight for each other, doesn't mean that we have healed completely.  Recovery takes a long time.  In some ways, I think that we will be recovering for quite some time still.

Our marriage has been restored.  There is no doubt about that.  God has done that.  Our marriage vows were renewed inside of our hearts.  We love each other, and are committed to continue doing so, even when the feelings aren't there.  Feelings WILL fade.  But God's love and grace and forgiveness never will.  And I pray that those will always outweigh and pain or loneliness that we feel throughout our marriage.  And the thing about feelings....yes, they fade.  But they come back.  It's an ebb and flow.  There are peaks, and there are valleys.  Sometimes, feelings suck.  Sometimes they can leave you feeling depleted.

So how can you tell if you are moving forward in those moments of despair?

It's all a matter of perspective.

Are you consumed by all the hurt you feel?  Are you consumed by what you think the other person should have said or done?  Or can you look beyond that?  Can you remember the blessings that God has already given you and remember His promises?  That he will never leave nor forsake you?  When you can't trust your spouse, and when you can't trust yourself and your feelings, can you trust God?  Because it is only in doing that you can find the freedom and ability to hold on to hope and keep moving forward.  God will not disappoint, though humans and our feelings do.

Deuteronomy 31:8
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dsimayed.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

I'll be honest with you.  This is something I struggle with.  Sometimes on a daily basis.  There are days when I feel completely alone.  Where Kris is busy at work and doesn't take the time to check in with me.  Or it's been a long day for me, and I don't get the attention from him I FEEL that I deserve.  And inevitably, the lies sneak past my defenses:

He doesn't really love you.
He doesn't care about you.
You have no friends.
You are nothing.
You're fat.
You're ugly.
What if he is looking at porn again?
Remember that one time, with him?

It is amazing to me how many lies can fly through my mind in a matter of moments.  And how they build on each other until I am back in the midst of the FEELINGS I had during the affair and am comparing that life to the one I have now.  I can't always catch the lies when they first come.  When I hear "Kris doesn't understand, therefore he doesn't care."  Sometimes, it moves beyond that, and I listen to several more lies.  I wish that I could stop them from the beginning.  And someday, maybe I will.  But, as the song lyrics above said, I am still recovering.

It's a process, and it takes time.

And what do I do when I hear all of those lies and finally recognize them for what they are?


From them.

To the one who always tells me the truth.

To my God who says to me:

Kris loves you.
Kris care about you.
Think of all the people in your life, your real friends, that have walked through this journey with you.
You mean the world to me.
You are a beautiful creation.
Trust me with Kris and his addiction and recovery.  Don't go back to living in doubt and fear.  We already settled that matter.  Remember?
You're thinking about him?  That's over.  That's on the Cross.  You are forgiven.  You are no longer living under the weight of that guilt and shame, and those thoughts do not control you.  You control them.  Allow me to take them captive for you.

And do you know what ends up happening in these scenarios that happen all too often in this recovery process?

I find peace.

I find the strength to carry on.

I FEEL the hope that I know is there.

And I fall in love with my husband all over again.

I wrote before about learning to love again, and how it is possible.  I love that more and more there are songs within what is considered the "secular" music industry where the lyrics are portraying hope.  Where they are saying, "Yes, we are broken, but we can love again. We can look beyond the hurt and learn to love again."  I never would have thought I'd love a song by Pink as much as I do the song "Just Give Me A Reason."  I feel like this song has such deep meaning for me and Kris.  I'll take it a step further and say that even if you are broken, if you are more than "just bent", you can STILL learn to love again.  I've watched it up close in my own life, and know others who have discovered this same truth and healing.


  1. You rock, girlfriend!! Good to see you healing. Love you!

    - Sherry from Intentionally Yours

  2. Thanks Sherry! I'm definitely feeling better and ready to get back to "work" on the writing I know God has called me to do! Appreciate all of your love and support!