Unsure where to turn

Nine months ago today, my life was turned upside down.  My husband stumbled upon something that I hoped he never would, and I was faced with the truth of the life I had been living.  The duplicitous life of someone who had spent years in sin and darkness.  I had to face the person I had become and admit to my husband that his greatest fears had been realized.

It's a night I will never forget, and yet, I feel nothing from that night.  In fact, I felt nothing that night at all, except frustration that Kris had found out, and scared of the future.  Scared of what it would mean.  For me.  For Kris.  For my marriage.  For the kids.  For my relationship with a man I had no business being involved with.

I felt no sadness, or shame, at that time.

Come Home

I love the moments where Kris and I are laying in bed and I take his hand and tell him I love him, and he says something like "I'm so thankful for what we have."  Or, the times when he will just look at me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am.  Or the conversations we have about how God has changed us, and how much better our marriage is now that we have surrendered it to God.

You see, the first five years of our marriage, we both missed the boat.  The next seven we couldn't even SEE the proverbial boat!  I cannot remember a time during the first five years that we cherished little moments like those I mentioned above.

Love is not a fight

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived (or worse) and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such an easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 8 months ago.  8 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

What about the kids?

By now you know much of my story.

I left home for a short period of time after Kris found out about my affair.

I left behind four children.

I didn't just leave without talking to them though.  I knew that they would need some sort of explanation for why I was going to be gone.

If this had happened four years ago, the kids would have been too young to really understand anything that was going on, except for the oldest, maybe.

If this had happened when they were 16 and older, that is an entirely different story.  I honestly believe that, depending on each child and what they could handle, we likely would have told them what happened.

But as it is, my children, once the birthdays are all over in 2 weeks, will be 7, 10, 11, and 12.

How do they process the fact that mommy is leaving for a while?

Is it possible to rebuild?

When Kris and I first started going to marriage counseling, I was treading lightly.  I hadn't yet encountered The Cross.  So, while I thought all the pictures and verses on the wall were good for the ambiance, they didn't speak to my heart.

Except for one.

I saw it the very first day that we went to counseling.

I was anxious, and I'm sure I had taken a Xanax or two so I could make it through the appointment without falling completely apart.  Side note - I fell apart anyway!

Song of Gomer

It wasn't until after I posted about Hosea and Gomer yesterday that this song came to mind.  It is such a redemptive song.  And the words are ones that I related to, all too well.  I could have snuck the words and video into that post, but I really wanted to have a new post, and write a little bit more about Gomer.

When I was in high school, I loved listening to Michael Card.  Not for the soft, gentle sound of his melodies. But for the words.  His lyrics were always powerful and always caught me off guard.  The same was true with this "Song of Gomer."

Hosea and Gomer

I can remember, while I was still hiding my prolonged affair, asking my husband if he ever got angry, thinking back to the affair he KNEW about.  He would tell me that sometimes he thought about it, but most of the time, it didn't even come to his mind.  He would also tell me, as I would be weeping thinking he MUST be only seeing "the affair" when he looked at me, that I was wrong. He didn't look at me and see the affair and feel the hurt I had caused him.  He would reassure me and tell me that he loved me and that was that.

I wonder if that is just the way men are wired, or if my husband was just given an extra measure of  grace, a deeper insight of what it means to be my Hosea.  That's how I see him, by the way.  As my Hosea.  

Playing With Fire

My heart hurts this morning.

I see things.  I read them or hear them.  And they break my heart.

You cannot understand this pain if you cannot relate to it.

I can relate to it.

Playing with fire, as we should all know, is extremely dangerous.

You could get too close and get burned.

Falling Slowly

From the moment I discovered Glen Hansard and The Swell Season, I was in love.  The music is just amazing.  Glen's voice gives me chills.  And when he sings with Marketa Irglova...I just can't explain it.  Their music is incredible, and it moves me.  Some of you not familiar with these artists may have at least heard the song "Falling Slowly."  It has grown in popularity in the last couple of years and it is mesmerizing.

Irrevocable decisions

A question to answer:

What is a decision that has irrevocably changed your life?

The first thing I wanted to do when I read this was laugh.

I thought "Haven't I been writing about this very thing?"

I could say that the thing that irrevocably changed my life was choosing to have an affair.

Or maybe that I chose to continue that affair for over seven years.

Or that I left my husband and family back in February.

Does Anybody Hear Her?

A friend reminded me of this verse when I told her I felt like I might wind up sharing a BIG part of my story with the blogging world.  

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them.
James 4:17

And then, as I contemplated writing something else, I heard it.

A song came on.

A song I haven't heard in, I kid you not, SEVEN years came on JOY FM, and ended right around the time Kris and I got home from a date.

I had always liked this song, and when I heard it, I was in a better place spiritually and with my marriage.  I would listen to the song and think "Wow.  More people need to understand the truth in this song."