Love is not a fight

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived (or worse) and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such an easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 8 months ago.  8 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

What about the kids?

By now you know much of my story.

I left home for a short period of time after Kris found out about my affair.

I left behind four children.

I didn't just leave without talking to them though.  I knew that they would need some sort of explanation for why I was going to be gone.

If this had happened four years ago, the kids would have been too young to really understand anything that was going on, except for the oldest, maybe.

If this had happened when they were 16 and older, that is an entirely different story.  I honestly believe that, depending on each child and what they could handle, we likely would have told them what happened.

But as it is, my children, once the birthdays are all over in 2 weeks, will be 7, 10, 11, and 12.

How do they process the fact that mommy is leaving for a while?

Is it possible to rebuild?

When Kris and I first started going to marriage counseling, I was treading lightly.  I hadn't yet encountered The Cross.  So, while I thought all the pictures and verses on the wall were good for the ambiance, they didn't speak to my heart.

Except for one.

I saw it the very first day that we went to counseling.

I was anxious, and I'm sure I had taken a Xanax or two so I could make it through the appointment without falling completely apart.  Side note - I fell apart anyway!

Understanding dawns

Without all of the specifics of the UGLY TRUTH that my life had become, I wrote a lot in April (on my "regular" blog) about my experience before, during and after God rescued my soul.  This is another exceprt from that...really, a combination of two of those posts.

April 6, 2012 (in the morning on Good Friday) I wrote this:

"Because I won't allow myself to forgive myself for wrongs I have done to others, I can't truly understand and accept God's forgiveness. There is something standing in the way.

And it's me.

The shift

There have been pivotal moments in my life.

Where I was going in one direction, and then, without warning, the route was altered.  There was a shift.  Sometimes it was caused by me. Other times it was unwanted, and I was dragged along kicking and screaming.

I can remember the first semester of college back in 1997.  I had fallen hopelessly in love with a guy.  I thought he liked me back.  It's your typical boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy-shatters-girl's-hopes-and-dreams story.