Thursday, September 20, 2012

Irrevocable decisions

A question to answer:

What is a decision that has irrevocably changed your life?

The first thing I wanted to do when I read this was laugh.

I thought "Haven't I been writing about this very thing?"

I could say that the thing that irrevocably changed my life was choosing to have an affair.

Or maybe that I chose to continue that affair for over seven years.

Or that I left my husband and family back in February.

Yes, all of those thing irrevocably changed my life.


You know what other decisions changed my life?

Choosing to fight for my marriage.

Choosing to love my husband, a man I wasn't sure I could trust.

Choosing to sever ties with the other man, someone who had provided seven years of what I thought was emotional stability for me.


What decision IRREVOCABLY changed my life?

It's time I tell you.

As I mentioned yesterday, God was moving and working in my life and heart, even though I was unwilling to trust Him.  To seek Him.  To give Him my heart.  To "let" Him love me.  I was the only one standing in the way.

It was Good Friday.

April 6th, 2012.

We had a counseling appointment.

We were talking about my inability to forgive myself for the affair.  We talked about my inability to receive unconditional love.  We talked about my inability to stop punishing myself for my sin.

And then something happened.

14 words.

Uttered by Tony (our counselor).

Words I will never forget.

Words that changed the way I saw the entire world.

"What if, just for today, you let Jesus take the punishment for your sins?"

It was then, in that moment, hearing THOSE words, that I finally understood.

I got it.

It all became clear and I saw the TRUTH for the first time in my life.  I experienced God in a way I had never done before.  My eyes were opened.  The Cross became a real, LIVING thing to me.  I had my own little "Road to Damscus" experience.

I met Jesus that day.

I finally put the pieces together and understood that my fear of being punished by God was irrelevant.  I had already been punishing myself.  Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than anyone else.  I think that this is true with God too.  Because when we blame ourselves and get hung up on the guilt and shame, we are not seeing ourselves as God sees us.

And do you know how God see us?


When Tony spoke those words and I finally understood, the weight of 33 years of guilt and shame was lifted.


Not lifted.

It was REMOVED from my shoulders.

And it was DESTROYED.

The enemy was DEFEATED that day.

And while there is more that I have to say about what happened that night, I just want to leave you with my favorite song right now.  Get used to it! :-)

What an amazing day that was.  I walked out of that counseling appointment a changed person.

I understood that I was forgiven.

I understood that I was loved so deeply, more than I could comprehend.  By both God and my husband.  Unconditional love finally made sense to me.

But above all else, I walked out knowing that I AM REDEEMED!

Mama’s Losin’ It


  1. I agree that we are pretty hard on ourselves. I'm SO thankful for God's grace and his mercy! I had chills as I read this post, even though I've been reading your other blog for a while now. And I love that song! My post is about finding the Lord as well! =)

    1. I'll check your post out! Thanks for reading along in both places!

  2. So glad that you came to this realization. We can find ourselves in some crazy places - but God is always there wanting us to turn toward him. God bless

    1. It took me a long time but when I was finally ready to listen, I'm grateful God was standing there with arms open wide!

  3. Wow! What a story! You've really been there and done it all. :) So glad you found resolution and that you didn't lose your mind in the process!

    Your family is beautiful!

    1. It was quite the wild living for a while there but I am so glad I'm on the other side of things now! Thanks for commenting Mama Kat!

  4. What a great moment. I'm pleased for you!

  5. I can not believe the power of those 14 words. I'm sitting here sobbing like never before. I don't cry. I have wanted to release all of this since my Mom died. thank you

    1. Maybe you should cry. :-) I avoided crying for so many years-it has been the most healing thing for me! Give it a try. ;-)