Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Whatever You're Doing...

Today is a hard day.  I can't explain it fully, because I am not even sure I understand it myself.  It started yesterday, and I really feel like it is God pressing down on my heart.  There is something He wants me to see.  Something He wants me do.  And I don't know how to do it.  I mean, I've been doing it for nine months, as I have been drawing close to God, but I can tell that He wants something more.

He wants me to pray.  More than I have been.

It may not seem like much to you, but what He wants me to pray for is crazy. 

Okay, maybe "crazy" is a little extreme.

For two days, I have felt this heavy weight on me.  Yesterday, as I thought through it all, the enemy was quick to attack.  I had a really difficult drive home from work last night.  Different thoughts and memories came flooding into my mind.  The enemy was whispering, "Go ahead.  Indulge.  Just a little.  Remember." 

I was screaming inside, "I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!  It's too horrible.  What I did was so shameful."

And then God was there too, firmly saying (in the voice of our counselor Tony) "Jamie, remember what I did for you.  Remember that the path you chose all those years ago is not the path you are on.  Your past is your past.  You can't change it.  All you can do is pick yourself up, and let it remind you of who you WERE.  It does not define who you are today.  Yesterday does NOT define you."

I can feel God moving and working.  I feel it in my bones.  I am not sure I've ever felt something so strongly before, with regards to KNOWING that God was speaking to me.  He's telling me to spend a large amount of time (and energy) praying for the family that I helped break apart.  He's asking me to pray for restoration.  He's asking me to pray for healing, in every possible area that needs to be healed.  Some of the things I need to pray for are so detailed it's ridiculous.  But I know it to be the voice of God, and I can feel His hand on my heart.

At first, I just thought it was the usual urge that I needed to pray for this family.  I do spend time praying for them.  Often every day.  But at times, fear comes creeping in, and I just ask God to work and move, to hear what is on my heart.  I think I am afraid sometimes to really speak everything that is on my heart.  Even just between me and God.

What I am feeling now, what I cannot escape, is this calling God has placed on my heart to fervently pray for this family.  For the man I fled to when life got too hard, and for the woman I stole seven years from.  I don't know what any of it means.  I don't know where to start, but I am going to be faithful to what God has called me to do.  I have no idea what it looks like, but I have a feeling that my heart will hurt through this process.  Not for myself as much as for the other two people involved.  I don't even know if that makes any sense.

All I do know is that it all sort of solidified this afternoon at work.  I've been listening to Pandora almost non-stop, trying to focus on Christian music this week, instead of listening to the current book I am engrossed in.  And in the midst of all of this turmoil, confusion, and certainty that I knew what God was asking of me, I heard the song "Whatever You're Doing," by Sanctus Real.  The lyrics, as they have in the past, hit home.  And this is just where I find myself right now.


It's time for healing; time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos; somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life; something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life; something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out


  1. Wow, Jamie. I'm praying for you! You are a courageous woman!!

    1. I don't feel courageous. But I know I am being obedient.

  2. wow! I just have tears flowing as I read this. Two years ago a women started the prosses of taking my husband away. After many long aganizing months of not sure what to do with what he had created, my hubby choose to take the plung. He said she is what he has wanted all his life and he dont want to loose her and what she has to offer in his business and for him personally. What she has to offer is more than I could have offered in 23 years. After their relationship had gone so far she wanted him 24/7. He had told her he couldnt leave his family. She then went to the arms of another. He didnt like the idea of loosing her. Seven months ago my husband choose to leave our home after 23 years and move in with her. As I read this post, I was moved in a new way. I pray for her almost everyday. My first thought was that I would love to send this to her and have her read it. I know that would just create anger. But I will pray for her in a new way. A year ago when I talked to her and the way things were looking she told me she would never do anything to take away from our marrage. Now here I am!! Last night was one of the worst nights yet. I lay in bed just longing for someone to hold me, someone to tell me they love me, someone to physically feel there arms wrapped tight around me. You think I would be getting used to the feeling of no one there to protect me, no one to tell me they would give up everything just for me. If anything, it seems to get worse as time goes on.I find myself feeling very desprate for what I once had. I see my husband every day and he takes very good care of me and the kids. He is very kind to us and will help with anything he can as long as it dont interfer with his other life. Some nights when I call out to God, it seems He is sleeping or just not getting what I think I need so badly. I know He is near and is holding me. I wouldnt be where I am today if He were not, but some days like last night, I just want to find some arms that will hold me, and tell me how much they love me. It is so hard to even get passed the thought of someone else whom he says he loves now, gets to lay her head on his chest and sleep with his loving arms wrapped around her. I am left with a pillow to cry on and a bed that is empty no matter what way I turn for someone to touch or have someone there to touch me. It feels so sad and lonley in a room to yourself. It was no mistake that I read this today. It was the first time I came across your blog. It seems like there must be some thing that I am missing or can do other than cry on my pillow and cry out to God. I know He knows and cares deeply but why do I feel so deserted and alone if He does?

    1. I believe that it is no coincidence that as the email notification with your comment came in, I heard a song for the first time. The song moved me and made me think about all those hurting and living through the nightmare of adultery. I hope that perhaps it brings you some degree of comfort today. I will be posting for you, and that your husband will wake up and find himself broken at the feet of Jesus. The song is called "you're not alone" by Meredith Andrews. My heart aches with your own. God, please show your extravagant love right now and allow this woman to feel the comfort that only Your arms can provide. Embrace her today and speak to her heart. Song your love over her right now.

    2. Grr....praying. That's what I get for doing this on my phone!