Sunday, November 11, 2012

Unsure where to turn

Nine months ago today, my life was turned upside down.  My husband stumbled upon something that I hoped he never would, and I was faced with the truth of the life I had been living.  The duplicitous life of someone who had spent years in sin and darkness.  I had to face the person I had become and admit to my husband that his greatest fears had been realized.

It's a night I will never forget, and yet, I feel nothing from that night.  In fact, I felt nothing that night at all, except frustration that Kris had found out, and scared of the future.  Scared of what it would mean.  For me.  For Kris.  For my marriage.  For the kids.  For my relationship with a man I had no business being involved with.

I felt no sadness, or shame, at that time.

Nine months.

I cannot believe it has been nine months now.

Do you know what that means?

Two things.

#1.  God is incredibly good, far beyond measure.

#2.  It has been almost a year already!

I cannot believe how quickly time has flown by.  It's ridiculous, as it feels like only a few months have passed.  Some days I feel as if Kris and I are living in this honeymoon phase.  But different from our actual honeymoon, which Kris will agree was not ideal.

If you aren't married, let me assure you that honeymoons are not always what you imagined they would be.  Especially if you're a virgin and have never lived together before.  There was so much we had to learn back then.  And yet, there is a lot we have been learning in these last nine months.

The difference, however, between then and now, is that Kris and I are changed people.  Freed from years of addiction and self-hatred, we have a completely different view on life, and more than that, marriage.

Today I found myself thinking about my weight and other imperfections, but realization dawned on me, immediately after those thoughts went through my mind.  And the realization was this:  I have not spent much time at all, especially where Kris is concerned, even thinking about those things that I always used to hate about myself...before.  Now, assured that my husband loves me as I am, mentally/emotionally/physically, the majority of the time, those thoughts don't come into play.  And only once in the last six months have I even looked down on myself when Kris and I were together.

We're both changed.  For the better.  I don't need his approval or reassurance (as much as I did-hey, I'm still human) to feel good about myself.  God tells me I am a beautiful creation, and I believe Him.  Kris, though, has been so vocal about how he sees me, and the combination of the two has changed the way I see myself, to the point that when Kris and I are together, I don't see myself at all.  It's just us.  Two are better than one, right?

Kris had the opportunity to preach at church this morning and was amazing, as always.  He's the type of preacher you never get tired of listening to.  I'm not just saying that, as a biased opinion because I'm his wife.  God speaks through that man and he is such a great vessel for the Lord.  He made me cry, of course.  But I thought it was fitting-the timing.

Tony didn't set it up so that Kris would preach about Psalm 32 and how we need to live in COMPLETE honesty on the 9 month mark.  It was not a coincidence though.  Kris also preached about how when we have truly confessed, we have real joy.  Kris and I have been experiencing this true joy for almost 9 months now.

I feel so much more freedom and so much more alive than I thought possible.

Sin allows us to feel free and alive.

I know because I lived that for 7 years.  I thought that the affair is what made me feel free and alive.  But it never lasted.

It was only through confession and a change in my own heart that I learned what it really means to be alive.

To be free!

Satan is so crafty and deceptive.

We choose to live in sin and it makes us feel happy.




But there is no lasting joy in sin.  We just become so accustomed to the good feeling it gives us that we miss out on the real freedom and joy.  And I think that's just really sad.  I wasted 7 years of my life and my marriage.  Heck, I wasted 12 1/2 years of my marriage not really understanding this truth.

Not any more.

I won't miss out on any more joy.

"I could choose not to move, but I refuse." - Josh Wilson, I Refuse.

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