Thursday, November 8, 2012

Come Home

I love the moments where Kris and I are laying in bed and I take his hand and tell him I love him, and he says something like "I'm so thankful for what we have."  Or, the times when he will just look at me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am.  Or the conversations we have about how God has changed us, and how much better our marriage is now that we have surrendered it to God.

You see, the first five years of our marriage, we both missed the boat.  The next seven we couldn't even SEE the proverbial boat!  I cannot remember a time during the first five years that we cherished little moments like those I mentioned above.

Where we sat or lay side by side, holding hands and talking about what God has done and is doing in our marriage.  Before the affair, there wasn't much to talk about.  Kris and his issues with pornography were talked about, occasionally.  When he would start acting strange and I would confront him, then he would admit to it and eventually we would sit for many hours talking about it.  But it wasn't the same.  There was always some degree of heartache involved in that.

After the affair began, we seemed to avoid those topics.  We weren't close, and the last thing I wanted was for him to touch me.  I wanted him to tell me I was beautiful.  I wanted him to want me.  I wanted to hear words of affirmation that had always been missing from our marriage.  And he wanted me to touch him.  To tell him I loved him.  To validate him, as a man and husband.  I couldn't do those things because I refused to say or do something I didn't "feel"; and because of his own sin, he was incapable of truly seeing me, so it was difficult for him to use words of affirmation, being blind to much of what he had.  Don't get me wrong-I was blind too.

We missed out on so much in the first twelve years of our marriage.  So much that now, we notice every little moment, every victory.  We cherish them and even in the craziness of life, we find ourselves marveling at what God has given us.  What we share together is a bond that is now unbreakable.  I think that things will come into our lives and shake us up.  But I know now with 100% certainty that what we have is unbreakable.  Our marriage is finally built on the solid rock of Christ that we thought we were building it on 13 years ago.

I'm writing all of this out of gratitude for the man that chose to stand by my side when I was at my ugliest.  In my worst moment, despite horrible and hurtful choices I had made, he chose to love me anyway.

It has been almost 9 months since I came home to my husband, and it has been the best 9 months of my life, and my marriage.  It's hard to believe that the one year anniversary of my homecoming is not far off.  Kris and I seemed to fight against one another for so many years and we missed out on the blessings that God had to offer to us.  We lost out on so much.

But there is nothing to despair.  What we went through is now something that has made us stronger and closer than we imagined possible, and the ability to minister to others in those same situations is possible.

Could God have used us to minister to people without us screwing up our lives for a time?  Absolutely.  But I think that the testimony we have now can reach out to a world that believes divorce is the only option available when times get tough.  A world that teaches that if your husband/wife cheats on you, or just makes you mad, you can walk away.  That you shouldn't have to "put up with that."

Do we really understand all that God puts up with?  God is our model.  Our example.  And if HE puts up with all of our crap, then why is it so hard for us to put up with each other?  The messes we get ourselves into...and yet God doesn't walk away.  He relentlessly loves us and chooses us.  He chooses to stay, waiting and longing for the day that we will come back home to Him.  And when we do?  He welcomes us with open arms.  He embraces us and throws a party, of all things! So these homecomings are something to celebrate!  There is indescribable joy in coming home.  Both to your spouse and to your Creator.

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