Saturday, August 17, 2013

That man still fights!

It is amazing to me what a night of sleep (or even a few hours) can do for your soul.  Somehow all the weight of the world and the hurt and sadness get lightened as your body does what it is naturally supposed to do: sleep.

Last night I was feeling really low.  Kris and I had ended the evening on a negative note and he went to bed, while I stayed out in the living room crying and writing.  It is so hard in the midst of hurt feelings and pain to see beyond it.  Last night, I knew that all was going to be well.  I knew that in the morning my perspective would be different, fresher.  But in the moment, I allowed my sad, negative emotions to just be present.  Why is it that we derive some sort of sick pleasure out of wallowing in our misery?  What is that all about?

While that may remain a mystery, I do know that joy really DOES come in the morning (Psalm 30:5).  I think that God designed our bodies in such a unique way that sometimes all we need is a little sleep.  I work these four 10 hour days (8am-7pm Tues-Friday, not including my 1 hour commute) and by Friday night, I'm exhausted.  Emotionally, physically and mentally drained.  And the enemy has been working overtime on our family lately it seems.  So it is no surprise to me that tensions were high last night and Kris and I felt the friction and distance.  I think navigating through that is just part of the territory of marriage.

Just because we have a restored marriage doesn't mean that we won't fight or be angry with one another.  What I have to remember, more times than I'd like to admit, is that my spouse is NOT my enemy.  Knowing who the real enemy is, and standing together with my husband to battle against that true foe is a much better position than thinking and acting as if Kris is the enemy.

It amazes me how my mindset has changed in the last year and a half.  Admittedly, I have a LONG way to go.  I am a woman of so many faults, and many times, regardless of what is in my heart, I am not kind outwardly to my husband.  My tone, oh I am so guilty of allowing my emotions to control my tone of voice.  If I am feeling anxious, my tone is mean and sarcastic.  If I am hurt, my tone is mean and sarcastic.  If I am sad, tired or in pain, my tone is mean and sarcastic.  Can anyone see a pattern?  I know this is an area that I have to work on constantly.  And while it seems to me that I fail more often than not, I have had small victories.  Moments where I have chosen to hold my tongue, or spoke calmly, instead of lashing out at whomever is near me, simply because I feel anxious about something.

The bottom line is this:

I will not give up.

I will keep trying.

I may fall down sometimes, but I will get back up again!

My all time favorite book series is The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan (and finished up seamlessly by Brandon Sanderson after Jordan's death).  I have listened to it two times now, but I want to go through the actual books sometime because there are just so many thought-provoking statements that I'd like to have on hand.  In the final book of the series, there is this passage that I just love.  It helps to know who the characters are and fall in love with them as I have (and I suggest you all finish this blog post and then immediately go start the first book in the series!!!), but I think that even without knowing them, you can appreciate the truth behind this passage:

"'That one you have tried to kill many times,' Rand said, 'that one who lost his kingdom, that one from whom you took everything...'

Lurching, bloodied from the sword strike to his side, the last king of the Malkieri stumbled to his feet. Lan thrust his hand into the air, holding by its hair the head of Demandred, general of the Shadow's armies.

'That man,' Rand shouted. 'That man still fights!'"  

- A Memory of Light by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson

I just want to shout this at the enemy and let him know that no matter what mood I am in, and no matter what he throws at me, I will not quit.  He can try to kill my spirit, but I will still fight!  I hope that at the end of my life, like Lan, I can be known as someone who kept fighting until the end.

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