Friday, August 16, 2013

Control or Be Controlled?

I'm really struggling right now.

In this moment, and just in general.  My pain has been out of control, and I have resorted to taking the pain medication, which unfortunately impacts my emotions.  It makes me edgier than usual, and I just don't feel like myself while taking them.  I get angry quicker (if that's possible!), and I lash out at the slightest annoyance.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to put into practice this idea of having control over my emotions.

Throughout the last week, I have been under heavy attack.  I have felt a strong spirit of oppression on me, both in my personal life and surrounding my emotions, and with my writing.  It is almost a physical weight bearing down upon me, threatening to choke the joy out of me.  It leaves me feeling withdrawn, aloof, and wanting to crawl into a hole where no one can find me.  I know that God is moving me towards this new life where I no longer allow myself to be ruled by my emotions, and I feel as if every stumbling block possible has been put in my path.

I do not find this surprising, as I know that the enemy doesn't want to see God's victory over this area of my life.  I do, however, find it exhausting.  Then again, no one ever promised that it would be easy.  Whenever we try to reach beyond ourselves and allow God to shape us and mold us into better men and women of God, the devil rushes in, using any means possible to distract us from the purpose.  I know for me I have had trouble taking the negative feelings captive.  There is this sick part of me that find some ridiculous sense of comfort in feeling despondent, but a larger part of me, the new me, that wants nothing to do with anything but joy and peace.

I'm warring against myself.

I want so desperately to learn how to control my emotions, and think before I speak.  I want to be conscious of my tone when I am agitated with Kris or the kids.  I want to make the right choices, and respond in a loving way, no matter what the situation is.  And yet, even tonight (especially tonight) I feel as if the negative emotions are going to drown me.

I want all of these good things.  I want to please God and be the light to this dark world.  I want to set a better example for my children.

And still, I fail.  I speak before I think.  I'm harsh with the kids.  I'm annoyed by everything my husband says.  I am feeling all the things I do not want to feel, and faced with emotions that are anything but healthy for me.  So, in spite of them, I have to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.  Short of saying "God, I need you to take this from me.  I need you to soften my heart and fill me with your love.  I need reminders, before I open my mouth, that my husband is not my enemy," I am unclear on what else to do.  Maybe there isn't anything.  Maybe acknowledging what I need and then turning to God is the answer.  Not maybe.  Obviously, turning to God is the answer.

Knowing all of that, I still feel myself holding on.  Like I used to hold on to the guilt and the shame.  The hatred for myself.  The burden of all that I had done wrong in my life.  That is how this feels.  And simply by stating that here, I realize that I refuse to live like that ever again.  I refuse to go back.

I CHOOSE to step forward, and walk into a new day.

I CHOOSE to let go of my hurt and pride.

I CHOOSE life!

I'll go to sleep tonight thanking God for the confirmations he has given me this week.  Little signs here and there, encouraging me to keep going.  To keep trying to figure out how to bring this emotional roller coaster to a stop.  I will stop focusing on the hurt and the details, and think about the bigger picture.  I can only seem a glimpse of what is going on behind the scenes.  All I tend to look at is what is right in front of my face.  I need to step back from the situation and live in the understanding that the big picture is more important than the little irritants of this life.

I need to really take 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 to heart and claim it.  I need to pray that as a prayer over my life and trust that God will provide for all my needs, including emotional.

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Image courtesy of sakhorn38 /


  1. I can totaly relate to how your feeling and even being frustrated with myself for always letting self pitty sneak in and before I know it, it has taken over. But as I was reading this, I couldnt help wander if you think you would be in the same frame of mind if you didnt have Kris with you? You know he is there with you and will help you if you allow him to. You know your not alone in this and you can keep fighting because you know its all right there in front of you. Do you feel it is any easier with all this going for you? I get so werry of fighting and to keep getting back up for what?? Everytime I get back up, he tells me that he is content and there is no point for me to fight the fight. (not literally, we dont normally fight. just dont comunicate about feelings because he dont want to hear about how I feel) I often listen to the voice that says "if only you had your man with you, and a "normal" life, it wouldnt seem so hard". Do you think there is any truth to this? I just read the other day on a post that your responded to, that you have a great passion for this subject. Since my hubby left I feel like I dont even know who I am. Let alone how to become a better person!! I hope I made sence and you understood my garbal :)

  2. You raise a good question. I would like to say that I would react the same way if I was still just standing for my marriage vs. living in a restored marriage. The truth is that 8 years ago, I did NOT react the proper way, the way I would have WANTED to. Controlling my emotions instead of just rolling along with them. But I didn't. I struggled through the pain and chose to give up, which led to a downward spiral I wasn't sure I could ever recover from. HOWEVER...I am a completely changed woman now than I was 8 years ago. I have learned so much and grown closer to God, and I think if I faced a similar situation in the future, that I could not easily set aside everything God taught me out of the pain. I also think that any voice you listen to that tells you that you deserve better, or if you had a normal life it wouldn't seem so hard is a lie from the devil himself. There is nothing in those statements that speak of God's love and faithfulness, and I don't think it is a stretch to say that those then come from Satan. If he can get you to focus on those things, you are essentially focusing on yourself, and not God, and that is exactly what Satan wants. I still find myself there...thinking only about myself or the situation...but now, after all that God has been teaching me, I don't stay there.