Wednesday, February 13, 2013

"Is Mommy leaving again?"

What would you do if you heard those words coming out of the mouth of your eleven year old son?  Especially if you had already left your husband and children once before?

I don't know how a sucker punch to the gut feels.  I'm not even sure I know what that is.  But I can imagine that it is NOT a pleasant feeling.

Tonight, we sat the kids down to talk about something that is going to happen over the next couple of months.  The first thing Kaleb said was, "Is Mommy leaving again?"

It was not like the talk we had with them a year ago, when we sat them down and explained that Mommy needed to find her relationship with God, and needed some space to do that.  We told them I was going to be gone for a little while and asked them to pray for me.

But my astute son had a real fear that tonight's talk was going to result in me leaving again.  Just like I did a year ago.  It broke my heart.  It was also a bittersweet moment, because I remember (back then) wanting to run away. I remember wanting to just FLEE.  To get away.  To avoid everything.  But this time around, I'm in a very different place; and while it makes me a little sad that my son had a legitimate fear surrounding me leaving, there was joy in assuring the kids that I wasn't leaving tonight.

I said firmly, "NO!  Never again!"  We explained to them what was going to happen over the next couple of months, concerning many of the medications that I am taking and not wanting to take.  I saw a doctor today who gave me a plan to ween off of them and we just wanted to explain to the kids that the first medication we are cutting out has some huge withdrawal effects; and that like other addicts who go into detox, I am going to need a lot of love and patience, as I have physical and emotional symptoms already from not taking it during the day.

So, it was nothing like it was a year ago, and I know now that I need to keep reassuring my son that I am not going anywhere.  But I saw this quote tonight, and I loved it.  It was a little bit of where I WAS, and a little bit of where I AM now.

There is a huge difference between running away and moving forward.

'Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." - 1 Corinthians 9:24-26

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