Monday, March 18, 2013


I know it might surprise you to hear this, but I am NOT flexible.

Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of being flexible.

For 13 years, Kris and I have been having the same fight.

It's exhausting.

Fortunately, the issues that we fight over are not spiritual or moral ones.  However, it is something that I am tired of fighting over.


We fight over work.

His work.

We always have, and tonight I was left feeling like we always will.

Kris and I fall into the same category, when it comes to the kind of worker that we are.  When we see something that needs to get done, we do it.  Whether it is our job or not.  If something isn't getting done, we will do our own work, AND what is not getting done.

But here is where the problem comes in.  Because of this type of work mindset, Kris now wears the hats of 30 people, in 20 different professions.  And in order to keep from shoving it down and pretending the work doesn't exist, Kris does need to communicate with me that he is overwhelmed and stressed out.

Of the little you may know of me, do you think that the following is how a scenario like this plays out between us?

Kris:  Hey babe.  I've been thinking about you today.  My day has been insane, and when it gets like that, I think about you and suddenly my stress lessens a little and I find myself smiling.  And it makes my day instantly better.

Me:  Oh honey, I'm so sorry things are out of control right now.  What can I do to make it better?  Why don't you work late two days this week and get caught up, in whatever way that you can.


This is more how we communicate:

Kris:  Katherine has a concert tomorrow night.

Me:  What?  Since when?

Kris: I don't know.  She just told me about it.  She has to be there at 6:30.

Me:  Are you going to be able to get her there on time, because I don't have time now to ask off work.

Kris:  (sarcastic laughter)

Me:  (a slew of angry comments)

Kris:  Don't be mad at me.

Me:  (silence)

It got worse from there, before it got better.  I hear his sarcastic laugh that seems to say, "Yeah right!  There's no way I can do it; I have too much other stuff going on."  And it is really frustrating.  Because sometimes life gets in the way.  Because when I started my new job, he was the one who agreed to be home with the kids in the afternoon since I couldn't.  Because his first reaction is to express how unlikely it is that he will be able to do whatever it is he is feeling frustrated or overwhelmed about.

The more we talk, the more we uncover some of the roots to this fight we always seem to be having.  Beyond the fact that I am time-oriented and the fact that his mom sees more of the kids than we do (which Abbey very matter-of-factly pointed out over the weekend), I am scared.

I am terrified, really.

And it isn't as if I don't trust my husband.

It's Satan that I don't trust.

He's crafty and subtle, and I see my husband putting in long hours and worry that this will leave him wide open to full on attacks, and that in a weakened state, Kris will give in.  My friend Sheri said something the other night that struck me.  She asked if I was maybe fearful of the unknown.  Of not knowing what is around the corner.

I've said before that when I chose to go home, I knew it was risky.  And yet, go home I did.  Afraid or not.  I took the risk that Kris would "screw up" again.  I went into a situation blindly, which I do not like to do, or know how to do well.  Because of this, thoughts and fears flood through me and at times, threaten to overtake me.

Do I know that the God who loves me unconditionally has this in His hands?


Am I still human.

Sadly, yes.  My dreams of being a superhero remain unrealized for another day.

And so, I guess that is where I am at.

In between complete and utter trust in God, and fear of the unknown.

Do you find yourself being human too?  What do you fear?

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