Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Giving up the Crutch

I love Josh Wilson.

He is an amazing lyricist.

So real.

So transparent.

His songs "Savior, Please" and "Fall Apart" have been ones that have nurtured me through this new season of growth in my life.  Recently, his testimony about his song "Carry Me" and how he wrote it out of his own anxiety and experience of panic attacks has really spoken to me.

I am the queen of anxiety.

Or, at least, I was.

Recently, I went to my doctor to ask her to start weaning me off of all the medication that I take.  Half of the medicine I take I am not even sure if it is doing anything good.  The first medication we both wanted to wean me off of was the Xanax.

I've been on Xanax for a long time.  I've been weaning down for about 6 weeks now and it hasn't been easy.  But I am now down to 1 1/2 (.5 mg) Xanax before bedtime.  And that's it.  No more in the morning or afternoon, and I am not taking 4 at night to help me fall asleep.  I have a combination of all of my other medications, plus a little Ambien to help me sleep while I'm in this transition of withdrawal from the Xanax.  I've definitely been more on edge as I've gone through this, but I know it is a good thing.  My doctor explained that in times of crisis, doctors put us on medication to help us survive.  But once we get healthier and are not in crisis anymore, we do not need the medication, so my choice to wean off of the things I may not even need anymore was a good one.

And I have learned to manage the anxiety I feel during the day in a couple of different ways.  Music, and reading Scripture when the panic attacks hit during the day.  They are mild now, and very likely just physical withdrawal symptoms.  The verse that helps me the most, especially when my mind is flitting from one irrational thought to another, is this:

2 Corinthians 10:5 - We demolish arguments and ever pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

On Thursday, I'll drop down to 1 Xanax (.5 mg), then the following week I will drop tp .5.  In 2 1/2 weeks, I will be completely off of Xanax.  I may have a rough couple of weeks as I adjust to not having any Xanax in my system, but overall I think it will be a good thing.

A year ago, there is no way I was ready for this.  But now that I am doing better emotionally and spiritually, I have better ways to manage my anxiety.  As I mentioned above, Josh Wilson's song "Carry Me" has really helped to calm me and keep me focused.  Knowing that he wrote the song out of his own experiences with anxiety/panic attacks gives me hope, and reminds me of WHO I need to focus on.

We had the awesome privilege of going to see Josh Wilson on Valentine's Day with the kids.  We even waited in line to meet him, and let the kids get their stuff signed.  Listening to him sing songs that have been pivotal in my growth over this last year was something I will never forget.  I sat there in my husband's arms, weeping as Josh Wilson sang to ME all of us.  

Josh Wilson signing stuff for us on Valentine's Day
I have been so blessed and am constantly amazed at all God has done and given to me.  It is astounding, the joy that comes from surrender and obedience to God.  I cannot believe I lived so long in the darkness.  There is nothing more worthwhile or more rewarding than living in the light.


  1. Praying for you! I know this will not be easy, but I am so proud of you for even being brave enough to try.

    1. Thanks Tara! It's been rough, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Appreciate the prayers and support!

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  3. Thank you for your realness. Praying for you, love!