Hola desde Mexico!

I am writing today from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  Kris and I are here celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary.  It has been beautiful here, if not a little cloudy.  Today was the first sunny day we have had and you would think that with the waves crashing against the beach and the tropical weather, everything would be wonderful, right?

Today was a rough day for me though.  I had a mix up with the pharmacy and my doctor and have been off of my anti-depressant for a week, and I am feeling it.  Not in the sense of a deep, dark depression, but there is a definite feeling of my emotions being far outside my control.  Add to that increased pain and it was just a recipe for disaster.  Kris and I had a bit of a rough start to the day, but were finally able to communicate and make peace.  It seems like such a waste to fight in a beautiful place like this, celebrating a long commitment to one another.

Don't Be Afraid Of The Valley

Finally, TIME.

Kris and I took a week off of work (June 1-7).  This time was so needed.  We are in day 3 of our staycation.  The kids are traveling with Kris' mom and our "puppy" is in good hands with a friend.  While funds are somewhat limited, we have saved some up and chose to stay home and chill, sprinkled with a few outings here and there.  Ultimately, we just wanted some time to not think about work.  To not stay in the chaos we so often live in.  We wanted to be intentional with getting away from the pressure of what has become a daily struggle to do what we can to ensure that the company we work for succeeds.  As an added bonus, we also are taking this time to celebrate 18 years of marriage (June 5).  This time off has provided me with nothing but time.  Time to recharge my mind and heart.  Kris is still sleeping, so I am taking advantage of the time alone to reflect and finally write again.

Leaving The Island

I can't help but feel emotional thinking about my 15th wedding anniversary. 3 years ago there is no way I would have ever imagined that I would feel the way I do today.  3 years ago I was as far from caring about my marriage as could be, with no desire to change anything. I was perfectly content to live my life on the sidelines, or worse, in darkness as I tried to live two different lives.

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Matthew 6:24

I tell women this all the time: at the end there, before I surrendered my selfish desires and sinful heart to the will and discipline of God, I was in love with another man. And I felt nothing for my own husband, the man I had vowed to love above all others, until death parted us. While I would not have called what I was doing hatred towards God or my husband, it really was. I was devoted to my life of sin, I loved the darkness for the "protection" it provided, and I despised Kris. I didn't care about God, right or wrong, or my husband. There was always a small part of me that worried about the pain I was causing others - but the farther away I got from God and what I knew was right, the less important this became to me. Until years later, all I cared about was what made me feel good in the moment. All that mattered to me was "him." I was devoted to that relationship, and despised my marriage and all it was supposed to stand for.

Something To Celebrate

This summer, Kris and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. It's such an exciting benchmark in our relationship, in our lives. It fills me with joy when I think about what we have gone through, and how I am looking forward to celebrating this milestone with my husband.

I Want A Life

I love anything sung by Lennon and Maisy Stella. I do watch and enjoy the show Nashville-it is an added bonus that these awesome young and extremely talented sisters perform on a few episodes. So tonight, as I reflect on my day, and the two years that Kris and I have experienced restoration and redemption, as well as renewed love, my mind goes back to a song on the newest Nashville soundtrack. The lyrics fit right in with where my life is at right now, and it seems sufficient to close out the night with this video and the lyrics. I never want to forget to cherish each blessing in my life.

Use My Pain

Loving When It Hurts has reached its first milestone - this blog was created one year ago today, in fearful obedience to God's calling on my life to share my pain.

To set aside my pride.

To risk being gossiped about.

To be vulnerable.

And to tell the truth.

There had been too much darkness.

Too many lies.

For far too long.

It was time to share the ugly truth about my life.

Old Memories

"Look at your ring and know that I love you."

 Those are the words Kris chatted to me this evening while I was at work.

Words.

I need words.

Words of affection.

Words of affirmation.

Words of REASSURANCE.

I have not struggled with this in a year.  At least, not the need for reassurance.

Homecoming - Year 1

It's hard to believe that we are here.  One year later, Kris and I are living in the light, with each other and with God; and we are enjoying the blessings that come when you completely surrender your marriage to the Lord.  When you acknowledge that, apart from Christ, you can do nothing.  Some people say that we are strong.

The truth is, we're not.

Alone, we're weak and flawed.

We're broken sinners, trying to live in a messed up world, with messed up priorities and values.

We live in a society that says, "If it's too hard, give up."