Monday, October 15, 2012


Fear dominates my life.

It isn't always in the forefront.  Sometimes it is hidden by distractions.  But it is always there.  I can't escape it.  Sometimes it consumes me.  I'll wake in the middle of the night, either from a nightmare or sleep paralysis, having just felt like someone was standing in my house.  Someone that shouldn't be in there.  And then I have to wake my husband up, have him pray with me, and then have him go through the house to make sure everything is still locked up and the children are safely still in their beds...all the time, I'm praying that he doesn't get killed.

I know it's irrational.  Much of what I fear is unrealistic.  Some of it is possible.  Kris dying.  One of the kids dying.  These are all things that COULD happen.  But, apparently, I'm not supposed to think about these things with the frequency that I do.

And then there's the whole "I'm-going-to-get-raped-and-killed" thing.

The thing that makes me check and double check to make sure the doors are locked, after Kris has locked them.  And then asking him if he locked the doors.  Both of them.  I always have to clarify.  Even though the majority of the time, the back door is locked, I still ask.  Because if I don't, it will consume me.

Some nights, I can't fall asleep because fear grips me and leaves me unable to breathe.  I pray and sing songs in my head, trying to focus on that, instead of the fear.

I don't sleep well at night.  Maybe this fear has something to do with it?

We discovered through counseling that fear is a stronghold that Satan has in my life.  It is something I need to be freed from.  Just like sexual sin did, fear holds me captive.  I do things all the time, things that most people don't do, that aren't normal.  Because of this fear.  I check the back of my van to make sure no one is there, before I drive it at night.  If Kris is late getting home, my immediate thought is that he is dead on the side of the road.  Whenever I see my parents' caller I.D., I fear that something terrible has happened to one of them or another family member.

I don't try to think this way.  I've just had 25-28 years to condition my mind and give Satan that power over me.  We finally discovered what it may be stemming from.  I think there are a couple of things, but we uncovered something in our session last week.

Which led Tony to finally put the D.I.A. on the calendar.

What is a D.I.A. you ask?

It's a little something Tony calls "do it again."  I had to draw a blueprint of the house I grew up in (an activity I was not thrilled about), and include the rooms and things that happened or were said.  I was very thorough and the emotion that screamed out from the page was FEAR.  I didn't even realize what a big hold it had on me until I did this activity.

So when Tony tells me that I need to do a D.I.A. around this blueprint and these things that happened, I'm like "Uh...NO!"  Why?  Because I'M AFRAID!!  I don't want to go back.  I don't want to confront the things that led to all this fear that has held me captive for so long.

And yet, I know that I NEED to.  I NEED to face this fear, take it captive, and surrender it to God.  I need to take Jesus to my past, to take Jesus to where my fears originated and let him take them from me.

So why am I writing all of this?  What does this have to do with marriage?

Nothing.  Though I have to believe that if I am finally free from my fear, it will only help my marriage.

But that isn't the focus right now.  It's just on my mind.

Because this D.I.A. is happening Friday night.  Tony challenged us to prepare for this.  He asked about having a group of people get together with us.  To pray over me.  To help me finally be delivered from these fears that control my life.  He told us to consider fasting.  So we decided that we would fast from T.V. instead of food.  That, in the evenings when we would normally watch our shows, we would focus on preparing for this exorcism "intervention."  I suggested we look up verses that talk about fear.  Do you have any suggestions?  The two that always come to my mind are "Perfect love drives out fear." and "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee."  I learned that one as a kid, King James Version and all!  I don't even know the appropriate book, chapter, and verse off hand.

What verses do you think of when you think about fear, or not being afraid?  Please be in prayer for me throughout the week, and Friday night as we try to deal with this and allow God to break the bondage that this fear holds in my life.


  1. Hi Jamie, wow, oh wow do i identify with your fears.

    2 Corinthians 10:4-5! "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"

    I started counselling for anxiety 2 years ago, because my fears had a big stronghold in my life. I memorized these verses and held them before me all day and all night long. Understanding that these fears were LIES and originating from my flesh that was out to destroy me helped me to start put them in perspective. I am still weak in this area and I still do battle sometimes (like yesterday)...BUT, I have found so much victory in Christ where they do not rule my life any longer (the chains are broken!) and even have been thankful for my fears because it is an opportunity to seek comfort in my Shepherd.

    Sorry if this is long, but I just wanted to tell you that I am definitely praying for you. I identify with SO much that you post....I wish there was a way that I could encourage you, the way that you have encouraged me!

    1. Thank you Anna. I was actually just thinking about the verse "taking every thought captive". Thanks for the reference! And the encouragement. I know it will be a good thing and it will be good to finally be free of it. I didn't even know until recently I COULD be free of it! And who knows...maybe I'll even start sleeping better at night.