While I'm Waiting

Unlike, Courageous (which I'm not saying wasn't a good movie), the movie Fireproof was very powerful for Kris and I.  Obviously, if you have seen it, you know that it addresses the topic of pornography.  A topic that practically ruined our marriage.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Kris or saying that my affair was a direct result of his addiction.  I'm just saying that had another man not come along, something else would have pushed me to say "I've had enough.  I'm done putting up with this."

Sexy!

Around my house, my children have a problem with the word "sexy."  It has "sex" in it, and that is "so gross!"  So, if they occasionally hear Kris tell me that I look sexy (which I love when he does!) they freak out and think it is appalling.  They'll learn...some day...

All of that to say that I just really want to talk about how attracted to my husband I am.  Sure, he's handsome.  I love his balding/shaved head and his calves.  And his face, when he remembers to shave it for me.  And so many other things, physical attributes.

But tonight, I discovered something else that attracted me to my husband.

Nothing is Wasted

For anyone who has hurt, been hurt, made mistakes, or needs a little hope, NOTHING IS WASTED.  I love this concept and song!  God uses our pain.  He doesn't cause it.  But He doesn't waste it either.

What about the kids?

By now you know much of my story.

I left home for a short period of time after Kris found out about my affair.

I left behind four children.

I didn't just leave without talking to them though.  I knew that they would need some sort of explanation for why I was going to be gone.

If this had happened four years ago, the kids would have been too young to really understand anything that was going on, except for the oldest, maybe.

If this had happened when they were 16 and older, that is an entirely different story.  I honestly believe that, depending on each child and what they could handle, we likely would have told them what happened.

But as it is, my children, once the birthdays are all over in 2 weeks, will be 7, 10, 11, and 12.

How do they process the fact that mommy is leaving for a while?

Memories, sweet memories...

Memories

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine

Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories,
Sweet memories

Of holding hands and red bouquets
And twilight trimmed in purple haze
And laughing eyes and simple ways
And quiet nights and gentle days with you

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine,
Memories, memories, sweet memories

Is it possible to rebuild?

When Kris and I first started going to marriage counseling, I was treading lightly.  I hadn't yet encountered The Cross.  So, while I thought all the pictures and verses on the wall were good for the ambiance, they didn't speak to my heart.

Except for one.

I saw it the very first day that we went to counseling.

I was anxious, and I'm sure I had taken a Xanax or two so I could make it through the appointment without falling completely apart.  Side note - I fell apart anyway!

Song of Gomer

It wasn't until after I posted about Hosea and Gomer yesterday that this song came to mind.  It is such a redemptive song.  And the words are ones that I related to, all too well.  I could have snuck the words and video into that post, but I really wanted to have a new post, and write a little bit more about Gomer.

When I was in high school, I loved listening to Michael Card.  Not for the soft, gentle sound of his melodies. But for the words.  His lyrics were always powerful and always caught me off guard.  The same was true with this "Song of Gomer."

Hosea and Gomer

I can remember, while I was still hiding my prolonged affair, asking my husband if he ever got angry, thinking back to the affair he KNEW about.  He would tell me that sometimes he thought about it, but most of the time, it didn't even come to his mind.  He would also tell me, as I would be weeping thinking he MUST be only seeing "the affair" when he looked at me, that I was wrong. He didn't look at me and see the affair and feel the hurt I had caused him.  He would reassure me and tell me that he loved me and that was that.

I wonder if that is just the way men are wired, or if my husband was just given an extra measure of  grace, a deeper insight of what it means to be my Hosea.  That's how I see him, by the way.  As my Hosea.  

The shift

There have been pivotal moments in my life.

Where I was going in one direction, and then, without warning, the route was altered.  There was a shift.  Sometimes it was caused by me. Other times it was unwanted, and I was dragged along kicking and screaming.

I can remember the first semester of college back in 1997.  I had fallen hopelessly in love with a guy.  I thought he liked me back.  It's your typical boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy-shatters-girl's-hopes-and-dreams story.

Can I Just Say Something?

I want to take a minute or two to share something that is on my heart.

I don't have all the answers.

I haven't figured it all out.

I make mistakes and I am not perfect.

I do believe that my marriage is being blessed and is blossoming, because of God's work in my heart, my husband's heart and our lives.  This is not something I could have done on my own.  It is only by God's grace that I have this story to tell.