Monday, July 7, 2014

It Was A Bad Day

There's no way around it.

Today was a bad day.

Not just your run of the mill down day.  When I say bad, I mean that we were trying to finish our month end closing at work, I didn't sleep well last night, and my pain was out of control.  Top that with being on the verge of running out of pain pills on Wednesday and worrying that my surgeon (who I see tomorrow) for some crazy reason will not give me enough to get me through until surgery next week, and I have been struggling today.

I struggle with, more than anything else, really trusting God with this pain.  Part of it is that I just don't want to be in pain anymore.  Which is an interesting admission since as I was reflecting on this driving home from women's group I heard these words put to music:

Sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn.

So I hear that and I think, what?  What does that even mean?  Not on the broad spectrum, but specifically, for my life.  What does it mean?  Is it applicable to my physical pain?  If so, what am I supposed to be learning?  Sole dependence on God?  Endurance in spite of the pain?  And most frustrating, I have NO idea what the answer actually is.

And as I think about all of this, suddenly this verse comes to mind:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

God has this way of timing things.  In Sunday School yesterday, Livvy made this "burden box."  In it she put a burden of hers.  For her, it's this:

Please help me to be brave on the bus next year.

That in and of itself warrants an entire blog post - her fear, the public school system and the bus, her prayer that God will make her brave...

We can learn lessons from our kids.  Olivia took the thing she is the most worried about and put it in her box - metaphorically giving that burden to God.  That being said, it stands to reason that I should be able to take my pain and the fear that surgery will not relieve it, that I'll be in this kind of pain for the rest of my life, and put it in the largest box I can find.

And through it all, my prayer is that I can continue to praise God through this particular storm.  That I will rest in His strength, and when I am weak and ready to break down in tears because the pain is overwhelming me once again (like tonight...), I will remain.  And I will thank God for this trial, for this pain, and try to learn whatever it is He would teach me.

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