If We're Honest

I was going to start this post out with just a few lines from a song I'm currently obsessed with.  But as I started trying to find just a line or two from the song that felt like the best, I couldn't select just one or two.  The truth is, the entire song is amazing.  The lyrics hit so close to home with where I am at tonight.  Where I've been at, in general.  So, I'm just going to weave the lyrics through this post, and in usual fashion, I'll have a link to the video at the end.

Truth is harder than a lie
Dark seems safer than the light
Everyone has a heart that loves to hide

If you've heard my story, or you've read this blog before, you know that I am very open about my struggles and the person that I used to be.  This blog is nothing if not HONEST.


That is a virtue that I wish everyone had - being honest.  I hate being lied to.  I hated the liar that I became when I was running from God and living the way that pleased me.  But I have never been comfortable with lying, nor will I ever think it is acceptable to lie under any circumstance.

I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah it may be hard but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

There is so much power in honesty.  And it is something that I crave.  Kris and I recently celebrated four years of us being back together and fighting for our marriage.  And one of the foundations of our restored relationship has been transparency.  Honesty.  If I am struggling with a desire for attention from another man, and yes it has happened more than once these last four years, I am honest with him.  If he is struggling with lust or wanting to look at pornography, I expect him to be honest with me about it.  Do I relish hearing, "Hey honey, I'm struggling and wanting to look at porn."?  No.  Of course not.  But more than anything, I want him to be honest with me.

Because it is that honesty, that transparency, that brings healing to our marriage.  And it is necessary in the lives of Christians and more widespread, within the church.  If we are honest with one another about the things we struggle with, we invite others in to our lives.  We invite them into our pain.  We invite them to remind us that God is with us, that they are with us.  That we are not alone.

So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine
Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest

So often we want to hide the pain.  Hide the sin.  Hide the brokenness.  We think that it's better to bear it alone.  It's better to lie and pretend that we are fine, when we're dying on the inside.  But if I learned anything in my years of living in the dark it's that the lies, the hiding, were far more detrimental to my soul and heart than being honest ever would have been.  Is it hard to be honest about who we really are?  About the ugliness inside of us?  Absolutely.  It's one of the hardest things we selfish, prideful human beings can do.

But there's healing in honesty.  And more times than not, if we are open with someone about our own struggles, we will find that they have been longing to hear that someone understands what they are going through.  That someone else gets it and knows what it is like to live with this dilemma of doing what we don't want to do and not doing what we want to do.

I love random conversations with people that turn into heart to heart, honest conversations.  I was blessed tonight to happen upon an opportunity (not forced by me, but prompted by God) to share my story with a friend who had no idea what skeletons were lurking in my closet before we started talking.  I didn't know I was going to share with her and I certainly had no idea why I started telling her my story.  But an hour and a half later, I understood.

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross

God brought about this divine appointment-if you will-so that #1.  I could be encouraged in having a real connection with another woman (which if you know me well, you know doesn't come easy to me) and #2. I could show this woman she was not alone.  I didn't know she was struggling with her own pain.  But by the end of the conversation, I knew that God had orchestrated it.  It gives me so much joy when those moments occur.  Moments where I know God has had his hand in a conversation.  It solidified a newly formed friendship and I am grateful for that.  As someone who has trouble connecting with other women, I do not take lightly the female relationships God has blessed me with over the years.  I do not take them for granted and I will cherish these types of conversations because it just gives me something I long for - a sincere, true friendship with another woman.  That's hard for me to find.

I had intended to share this song with the intention of telling you about a podcast that Kris and I were recently interviewed on, but somehow it doesn't feel appropriate here.  So I'll write again soon about that.  For now, I'll just end by saying I was blessed tonight.  And reminded of why my story matters.

Your story matters!