Just In Time

I find God's timing interesting.  Having lived with fear and anxiety from the time I can remember, if God hadn't begun to work in my heart the way he has, I would not be weathering this current pandemic well.  Every cough, every sneeze, every ache or pain would have sent me reeling 4 weeks ago.  I have an incredible peace about me in the midst of all of this, that peace that can't be explained.  You know, God's peace, that is beyond our understanding?  Thoughts come, physical anxiety still comes and tries to overtake my body, but my mind and my heart, most of the time, are still.  This is an incredible feat, because I have never been able to say that.  Ever.

I am still having panic attacks.  Sometimes over the stupidest things.  And most of them have been happening before I can even control the thinking that leads to the panic.  It's like my body is so conditioned to panic, so attune to flight or fight mode, that it just siezes up on me and I'm already spiraling before I can understand it is happening.

There have been several issues like this over the last 3 weeks.  Two of them have been pretty severe, and God has given my husband a supernatural ability to speak to me and help lead me through them.  The other night, after one particularly bad attack, as I was calming down, I was crying and upset because I thought, "Why am I still wrestling so hard with this?  Why can't I just be done with the anxiety and panic attacks?"  They are out of my control.  My body reacts to a perceived threat before my mind even does, and it is extremely frustrating to feel like you have no control over your own body.

But in that moment, as I was feeling weak and exhausted, tense and broken, I heard God say, "My power in your weakness."  This is directly from 2 Corinthians 12:9:

"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

As I thought about this and talked to Kris, we both agreed that perhaps the anxiety will remain and the panic attacks will still come, because if I didn't have any weaknesses, I wouldn't go to the one who can supply all my needs.  If I were in control of my thoughts and my body at all times, I wouldn't need Christ.  

I wouldn't need to turn to the one who still brings water from the rock.  

When the Israelites were wandering in the desert, God provided everything.  Food, shelter, light, clothes that didn't wear out.  Everything.  And when they were in desperate need of water, he provided it.  FROM A ROCK.  What?  Do you understand this?  Rocks don't typically gush water from them.  When the people desperately needed water, God gave it to them in the most unconventional way.  There was no way that the Israelites could look at themselves and think, "Hey, I got myself some water.  I did this."

No. 

God did it in such a way that there would be no doubt that it was something only HE could give to them.  They would have to look to that moment and remember, when they were tempted to trust in themselves, that God provided water from a rock. 

This is a beautiful picture of how God provides for our needs. 

If we let him. 

If we want to do it on our own, he will let us.  He will watch on, as we blunder about, trying to fill ourselves with all things not of him.  But when we surrender and when we ask him to provide what we need, he will do it and he will do it in such extraordinary ways that we can't see it and still believe we had anything to do with it.

"I will stand before you on the rock at Mount Sinai. Strike the rock, and water will come gushing out. Then the people will be able to drink.” So Moses struck the rock as he was told, and water gushed out as the elders looked on.  -  Exodus 17:6"

That is what God is doing with my pain, with my fear, with my anxiety, with my sleep.  He is providing in ways that I could never have imagined and there is no possible way for me to think I had anything to do with it. 

He asked me to be open. 

To trust. 

To have faith that is bigger than anything I could understand. 

And when I showed him just a tiny speck of trust, a small morsel of faith, he provided for me in ways that have no explanation. 

His power is made perfect in my weakness.  

When I am weak and I admit that before him, it gives him permission to come in and move in powerful ways, so that anyone who looks at my life, who knew me before and who sees me now, will know that God did this.  God brought about this change.

I'm new to this depth of faith.  But I'm in it for the long haul.  Every morning, I wake up and want to let the Spirit lead me.  This song has become a bit of an anthem for me.  There are so many beautiful reminders of how God provides for us and the joy and freedom that come from living a life led by the Spirit, and not my own whims.

This is my worship

This is my offering

In every moment

I withhold nothing

I'm learning to trust You

Even when I can't see it

And even in suffering

I have to believe it

If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"

If You say "release", I'm letting go

If You're in it with me, I'll begin

And when You say to jump, I'm diving in

If You say "be still", then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

I don't wanna follow my own ways

I'm done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

It felt like a burden

But once I could grasp it

You took me further

Further than I was asking

And simply to see You

It's worth it all

My life is an altar

Let Your fire fall

If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"

If You say "release", I'm letting go

If You're in it with me, I'll begin

And when You say to jump, I'm diving in

If You say "be still", then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

Teach me how to follow in Your ways

I'm done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

When all hope is gone

And Your word is all I've got

I have to believe

You still bring water from the rock

To satisfy my thirst

To love me at my worst

And even when I don't remember

You remind me of my worth

I don't trust my ways

I'm trading in my thoughts

I lay down everything

'Cause You're all that I want

I've landed on my knees

This is the cup You have for me

And even when it don't make sense

I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead

I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)

I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)

I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"

If You say "release", I'm letting go

If You're in it with me, I'll begin

And when You say to jump, I'm diving in

If You say "be still", then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

You're the only truth, the life, the way

I'm done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me