They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
God, I'm so tired.
The pain is relentless.
It courses through my bones, seeping into my nerves and spreading throughout joints.
It never stops.
Standing is difficult.
Sitting is hard now too.
I can't do anything I want or need to do.
The house stays trashed all the time.
My family fends for themselves on far too many meals.
They care for me, doing basic things like refilling water and bringing things to me when I can't go to them.
I don't have the energy to pull myself from bed early enough to give myself a chance at working a full day.
I feel like I have failed so many people.
I feel like I am still actively failing those who need me most.
My kids. My friends. My sweet, sweet husband who has always selflessly cared for me while I feel as if I give nothing in return.
I blame myself.
I did this.
My years of running and living in darkness and sin destroyed my spine.
It doesn't matter if it is logical or even true.
When I'm really honest, in my heart, I've placed it all on my shoulders.
When I think about praying for relief, real, lasting relief, I hit a wall.
Do I not have enough faith?
Maybe I don't let go because I'm still trying to punish myself for what God has long ago redeemed?
This anxiety and quickly depleting strength leaves me weak and empty.
And yet, I cry out to you, God.
I beg you for just enough relief to get through the next hour.
For just enough strength to take another step, even when that step feels like that very thing is ripping my body apart.
In tears, I plead with God for relief.
I try to have enough faith to believe you will give it.
I'm tired and I'm weak.
But you, God, are bigger than this pain.
You are stronger than my failing body.
Your answers don't always make sense.
Especially when you ask me to wait.
To keep enduring this.
Are you even asking that of me?
My heart is in turmoil over whether I have to endure this, or only do because my faith is too small.
Are you really calling me to struggle in spite of how exhausting this constant pain is?
And yet, who am I that you owe me anything?
Isn't it I who owe you everything?
Your Son, a cross on a hill, and a promise that the struggle would not be in vain.
You paid it all.
Not because of a hero complex or some other false reality.
You did it because you love.
Because you love me.
Your love is so great, you couldn't help but step in and provide us with an escape.
I am grateful that you saved me.
You pulled me up out of a pit of my own making, one created to hide from pain.
To hide from you and what felt like broken promises.
But I see now it was my heart in the wrong.
You broke no promises.
Life is hard and I was unprepared.
But you have always stayed the same.
It is I who am constantly changing.
My hiding place, it was a false safety.
Who can hide from you?
No one.
No matter how far we may try to run.
You remain the same.
Full of love.
Full of grace.
Full of compassion for me, seemingly a nobody, but one you call daughter and friend.
You are my strength.
My body can't.
But you can.
You bring me gentle reminders at the exact right time.
I have battled long enough this morning, Lord.
I've been trying and failing to turn to you and you alone with all the thoughts and fears.
But I'm here now.
Late to the game as always, I surrender.
Give me strength to take another step, today.
Give me just enough faith to trust that my body will not fail, today.
I believe, Lord.
Help my unbelief.
Drown it out so that I can only hear Your truth.
Thank you for reaching down and rescuing me.
Thank you for teaching me that any and all punishment from you happened on that Cross 2000 years ago.
You took my place, so I could live free.
I choose to accept this pain God, even though I don't want it.
I desperately want you to take it away, but only if that is what will bring you glory.
I want to be a light.
When people look at me, I don't want them to see anything but you and your love and grace.
Remove everything that ties me to me.
Teach me daily to give up my own wants and desires and chase after you.
Only good is found in you.
You have shown me this over and over again.
You see my pain.
You see my tears.
You see my struggle.
You are right here with me in the midst of them.
You hold me and comfort me.
So I don't give up.
I keep pressing on.
I chase the promise that there will be a day when all this pain is gone.
I can't wait to run into the arms of the one who has held me all my life.
Thank you, God!
Thank you!
There aren't enough words to praise you for all you have done.
Thank you for the future promise of a home with no more pain.
May I daily live my life so that on that day I will hear you will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
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