Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Depression Takes Its Toll

Nearly three months is the longest span of time between blog posts for me, typically.  I'm sure there is a clever way I could explain it away, or maybe a funny story to tell you about why I've been away.  However, I've never been one to shy away from honesty with this so I'll just tell you the real truth behind my absence.



I said it.

The big, ugly "d-word."

As is the case with me when I have weaned off of an anti-depressant, I can go for many months without noticing any kind of downward spiral.  Somewhere around September of last year, I worked with my doctor to go off of my Wellbutrin.  We both agreed I was doing well and could try to adjust to life without the help of modern medicine.  So, under the care of my doctor, I went off of it.

And I feel like I did really well for a long time.

I didn't even see the beginning signs of depression forcing its way back into my life until about two months ago.  And by then, I was at a pretty low point.  I was crying all the time, sad for no reason at all, gaining pound after pound in rapid succession, having crazy irrational thoughts.  One day, as I contemplated how distraught and broken I would be if my youngest daughter died, it struck me that that line of thinking was not rational.  I began to evaluate myself and my mental state of mind, and slowly it dawned on me that I had fallen back into the familiar lull of depression.

I decided to be proactive about it.  I shared my heart with Kris, and promptly made an appointment with my doctor.  I knew I had to get my thoughts and emotions back under control, and take steps towards dealing with my weight gain that has led me to the highest weight I've ever been.  And of course, feeling shameful about my weight just fed into the depression, and it was this constant negative cycle I stayed trapped in.

But I'm back on my anti-depressant for three weeks now and feeling a LOT better than I have in quite a while.  Because my doctor believes I have fibromyalgia and thinks it is contributing to the constant pain I am in, she had me start an anti-inflammatory diet.  That began yesterday and while I hate every minute of it because it cuts out all the terrible-for-your-body foods that I love, I know it will help me get my weight under control.  So I'm committing to it for the recommended 3-4 weeks, then plan to do my best to keep all sugar, gluten and processed foods out of my diet.  I'm trying not to think about that though, because I still very much want real bread and milk chocolate.

So, that being said, my hope is that as I continue to feel better, I will get back to posting on here with more consistency.  My heart is still in this ministry God has given to me to share hope with a hurting and broken world through writing here.  Nothing has changed there.  So I am hoping to finally get back to blogging and sharing my heart and how God is healing my marriage.

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