Monday, November 21, 2022

It's Not About The Lights

One minute you're putting up Christmas decorations (not the tree...not before Thanksgiving of course!!), and the next, you're a weeping bundle of emotion, devastated because your husband is less than enthusiastic about the fireplace decorations that made your heart happy.  Is he a jerk?  Is he insensitive?  Is he rude?

Of course not.  

Does he care about Christmas decorations? No.  

Does he have any issues with ME putting up decorations?  No.  

And yet, the look on his face when I asked him if he saw the lights, and then the subsequent comment of "'re lights..." utterly broke my heart.

Why?  Because it wasn't about the lights or the Christmas decorations.  And bless his heart, my husband listened when God urged him to ask me if there was something else going on outside of the lights that was upsetting me.  Because unbeknownst to my sweet husband, about an hour before the misunderstanding over the lights I was crying in the bathtub (my usual spot for self-reflection and weeping...of course...).  Because I had allowed some things that hurt my heart to kind of speak some lies to my heart.

I'm struggling to find my place.  

In life.  

At work.

As a mom.  

As a member at a new church.  

I feel disconnected.  I have tried to embrace female friendships and put myself out there.  It is terrifying and after months of pushing into this, I'm a little tired, and feeling like I'm not really connecting with anyone in the same way I see my husband doing.  And I found myself wondering tonight if I have any value.

It's the same lie that has chased me my entire life.  That I don't matter.  That I don't have anything to offer.  That if something bad were to happen, I would be alone.  I don't even believe it as I type that.  And yet, my heart was so heavy tonight with the lies, with the accusations.  Even as I could reason that it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, that what God has called me to (to SEE people and to LOVE people just as they are RIGHT NOW) is the ONLY thing that matters.

Here's the thing: insecurity creeps in ALL THE TIME.  It is like a constant war in my mind.  The same old lies come calling, and there is this tension because I can sense that they are lies, and yet they FEEL and SOUND so real, because I have always just accepted them as true.  Now that I am working hard to become stronger and heal and stop carrying my past shame and guilt around with me, I am increasingly aware of just HOW MANY lies took up home in my heart and mind.  Unlearning decades of lies, sorting through them, weighing them against the truth about who God says I's all a bit confusing and sometimes it gets jumbled.

And sometimes I just get sad.  I used to want to rush past it and get back to "not sad" as quickly as possible.  These days, I'm learning to just sit in the sadness.  To just feel it.  To face what I am feeling, to confront and call out the lies, and speak the truth to my heart, even if I can't muster belief in the moment.  To change the structure of my brain by choosing to make a new groove.  It's OK that I feel sad.  It's okay that all I want to do tonight is lay here and cry.  It's OK, because what started out as me feeling utterly alone has brought me to this place of turning to Jesus.  Of crying out to the one who knows my pain, who sees my tears, and who longs to hold me until the tears stop and my body stills, and then keeps holding onto me.  

I can't even look at this place I am in right now and wish it away.  There is a certain beauty to understanding myself in new ways, and giving myself a little extra grace on the days where I am struggling to love myself.  The enemy is whispering lies in my mind, and yet through all the chaos and confusion, I hear God singing over me.  It's good to be so loved.

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