Homecoming - Year 1

It's hard to believe that we are here.  One year later, Kris and I are living in the light, with each other and with God; and we are enjoying the blessings that come when you completely surrender your marriage to the Lord.  When you acknowledge that, apart from Christ, you can do nothing.  Some people say that we are strong.

The truth is, we're not.

Alone, we're weak and flawed.

We're broken sinners, trying to live in a messed up world, with messed up priorities and values.

We live in a society that says, "If it's too hard, give up."

"If it doesn't feel right, move on."  

"If you just don't want to be married to that person, go ahead and get divorced."

"If the pain is too unbearable, the only escape is to run away."

Do you know where our strength is found?  It's found in the Lord.  HE is the reason we have been strong enough.  It is only through God's strength and love, mercy and forgiveness, that Kris and I have made it through this last year of reconciliation.  It is because we have both been willing to lay our weapons down, and fight on the same team, recognizing that our enemy is going to do whatever he can to tear us apart.

Kris and I have spent several hours these last few days (weeks, months) talking about how good God has been to us.  How blessed we are that God has chosen to do what He has in our marriage.  I can tell you this much--if one of us didn't want this as badly as we do--the results would have been different.  If I hadn't been willing to risk being hurt again (by coming home) and if Kris hadn't been willing to forgive me for all the hurt and pain, we would not have come as far as we have.  God has been teaching us a lot about love and marriage and survival, really.

As Kris and I sat at the Melting Pot Sunday night, our first night in Georgia to celebrate making it through this first year, a song started playing on the radio.  I heard snatches of it, then asked Kris to use Shazam on his phone, so I could get the lryics.  They made me cry, which isn't too surprising.  This was a song I had actually heard several years ago, and while I liked the sound, I didn't really listen to the words.  Sitting there over dessert, I leaned my head onto Kris' shoulder and cried as I listened to the song that was playing, and really heard the words.

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only 17 and tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's OK

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home

How long did I feel this way?  

FAR TOO LONG!

Granted, I haven't been 17 in a long time, but you know what I mean.

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

For too many years, most of my life really, I saw no difference between the lies and the compliments.  Every magazine tells her she's not good enough?  The pictures that she sees makes her cry?  Listen here, I am not innocent.  I KNOW the pictures that Kris used to look at.  They told me, as much as his finding his own pleasure through them, that I was not good enough.  I was caught in between a beautiful disaster-I was a beautiful disaster-needing someone to take me home.

I gave a man whatever he wanted, trying to act like it was no big deal.  People do that all the time.  If things aren't working out, they find someone who will give them what they want and need.  I went back and forth between wrong and right-physically and mentally.  I assumed that when I was home with Kris, even if I was avoiding the other man, I would screw it up before too long.  I assumed I would get it wrong, and because I let fear of being imperfect control me, I got it wrong over and over and over again.

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

Sometimes I sit thinking, pondering over this last year, unable to fathom that it's real.

If I had known how, without fear chaining me in shackles, I would have changed everything.  If I thought it would truly bring me happiness, I would have changed it all.  But there is something about being imprisoned by sin that causes you to believe that true happiness can't and doesn't exist for you.  I needed someone to take me home.

I never thought that a year later I would be sitting here writing this.  I would never have thought it possible that I would have shared the deepest wounds of my heart, the worst sins, the hardest times in my life, with complete strangers and friends/family alike.

I never thought my home with Kris would truly be home.  I never believed I'd ever make it back home to God.  The mountains looked too big.  The journey seemed too hard.  Shame and guilt called out to me as I tried to stand.  Fear battered me, as I tried to walk back home.  Harder than physically coming home to my husband, and emotionally letting my guard down with him, was the path that brought me back to Christ.  That one year anniversary is still a couple of months away, but I know now something I never knew before.  I'll make it!  One day at a time, I draw closer and closer, and to be able to celebrate that homecoming on top of this?  Wow...I can't even imagine, but I know it is right around the corner.

So much has happened during this last year.  There have been so many blessings:  spiritual, mental, physical, and material.  Soon, you'll see a "Blessings" tab at the top of this blog page.  I am going to list the blessings that God poured down upon us in the first year of our recovery and marriage restoration.  But I know that God will continue to bless us, as we are faithful to Him, so I will keep adding to the list.  We begin Year 2 today.  It is an indescribably amazing feeling, and I know to the depths of my soul that I never knew true joy until this last year.

All I can say as I try to encompass what this last year has meant to me is that with tears of joy, and a heart that is overflowing with love and understanding, light and truth, I am amazed.  I don't deserve any of it.  Nothing about me is better than anyone else.  But I do know that if God had not taken my stony, stubborn heart and given me a tender, responsive heart, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this today.  And for that fact alone, I am grateful.  More than any of my words could truly express.

Do I wish it hadn't taken so long for Kris to overcome his addiction to pornography?

Yes.

Do I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to understand the depth of God's love and that His forgiveness and grace reached to even me?

Yes.

Would I change any of it if it meant that I would not understand life, love, marriage, and God like I do today?

Absolutey not.

No, I don't wish I hadn't made better choices.  Of course I would like to be standing here saying that God taught me through faithfully following him prior to this last year.  But I can't.  That's simple truth.  However, I have learned this year that God can show Himself faithful when we do what is right too.  The mistakes certainly have made Kris and I stronger-but only because we finally understood that it was God's strength we had to rely on.  And now, as we step forward into year 2, it is with the arms of our Savior surrounding us, leading and guiding.  There is no better way to walk forward through this painful life.

Today won't be the last day I say this:

There is ALWAYS hope.

Always.

Praise God for taking our ashes, and turning them into beauty.  For giving us forgiveness to wear as a crown.  For lavishing His love on us.  May our lives and our marriage bring hope to others, and show those around us that there is a loving, kind God that cares about His children.  We are the proof. Our story is the proof.  Apart from God, we can do nothing.

The lyrics in the song below encompass what I have learned during this last year.  Sure, there are probably 75 songs minimum I could have used to illustrate this, but I saw it this morning and knew it was the right one.  I couldn't express it any better than my friend, Jon Foreman, does. 

"I've come too far, and I won't go back.  Yeah, this is home."