Monday, March 31, 2014

Trust Without Borders

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Whereever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Over the weekend I made a decision, after talking to some wise sisters and a brother in Christ. After spending two hours minstering at a women's prison, I finally broke down before God and basically told him I was finally ready to hand over the reigns. I was ready to trust him. I was ready, no matter the outcome, the stop looking to my own strength to manage the pain. To stop waiting for it to get a little better before I give it to him. It was very freeing, as I knew it would be. And you know what?
I am still in pain.

That has not changed.

What has changed though is my attitude towards my pain, and my posture towards God. When I am so frustrated because the pain is so bad, rather than agonizing over how bad the pain is, I want to go to God and say "I'm out of strength. I cannot endure this anymore. Give me your strength to endure this." And I am finally to the point, having finally surrendered that last stubborn part of my heart that wanted to hold on to the pain, as if that would control or remove it, that I can say I have surrendered my pain to God. Even knowing that he may choose not to heal it. I believe that he can. And I am asking him to take it away. But I am also trusting that if he says no, which I was so afraid of, that he will give me the strength that I need to bear that burden.

Driving in to work this morning, I was listening to my favorite radio station (99.1 Joy FM) and talking to God about my pain. As I listened, God spoke to me. Not through his own audible voice, but through the voices on the radio. Sandy from Joy FM was talking about Peter and that night that they had fished for hours and hours and caught nothing. The night Jesus came to them and told them to do something ridiculous to them. They could have said, "Hey Jesus...that's crazy. We've been trying all night and nothing. What difference will it make to go back out there now?" But Peter didn't say that. Here is what transpired:

When he was finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish." "Master," Simon replied, "we worked hard all last night and didn't catch a thing.
But if you say so, I'll let the nets down again."
And this time their nets were so full of fish they began to tear! A shout for help brought their partners in the other boat, and soon both boats were so filled with fish and on the verge of sinking.

Faith will require great trust. In fact, those words are nearly synonymous with one another. Trusting God, I believe, is the act of having a faith that says, "God, I don't understand why I have to endure this, but I believe that you have my best interests at heart. I know that you can remove this from me, but if you do not, I will walk on, keeping my eyes fixed on you, and my heart aligned with your heart."

I found this story about Peter so comforting and there is no doubt in my mind that I heard it just when I needed to hear it. At just the right time, God spoke words of love and comfort to my heart.

I want to go deeper than my feet can take me on their own.

I want a stronger faith.

I want God to lead me where my trust is without borders.

Where I rest in the peace that comes from knowing God will give me strength to press forward, and carry me when I cannot take another step.

And I just love Peter's response to this miracle that Jesus performed in front of his eyes.

When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, "Oh, Lord, please leave me--I'm too much of a sinner to be around you." For he was awestruck by the number of fish they had caught, as were the others with him.

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