Thursday, September 27, 2018

Drowning

Have I ever mentioned I'm tired of my spine?  I'm exhausted from hurting all the time and having to put on a smile and pretend that I feel better than I do.  While I hate "faking it," with regards to my pain, I've learned the no-so-subtle art of grinning and bearing it.  Some days I think it's more obvious that I am miserable, but most days, I am able to portray that I am feeling better than I am.  And if you see me and I look like I'm not feeling great, it is almost a guarantee that I feel about fifty times worse than I look like I feel.

This faking it has not been without it's own drawbacks - namely being increased anxiety and most recently, despondency.  I finally broke down and went to the doctor today and asked for something to help me deal with the panic attacks and constant anxiety I can't seem to shake.  I was on a LOT of Xanax for a long time, many years ago.  While it was extremely effective, I was eating it like candy by the end and wanted to get off of it, as I felt like it was controlling my life.  So I have just been managing my anxiety on my own for the last six and a half years.  And it was going pretty well.  But it has now become unmanageable again and I asked my doctor for something to help.  I can't ride in or drive a car without extreme fear and panic, I'm jumpy all the time, and leaving the house and socializing is its own special horror (among other things).  I've never wanted to be a hermit more than I do right now.

Today has been a rough day.  I almost didn't have it in me to go into the office, but I've missed too much work lately due to pain/injections/anxiety that I just didn't think I could deal with disappointing anyone else today.  And some of that is just me projecting how I think I look or am perceived by others, but it isn't "me."  It's not the kind of person I have always prided myself on being, but more often than not lately, I feel like I am letting everyone down, because I expect better of myself.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.  There's no quick fix.  There's no easy out.  I don't know what the future holds and I am struggling to surrender it all.  It all feels too big, and too complex.

I *know* that God is bigger than this.

I *know* that He can carry me through this.

But I can't see how and I can't feel it right now, in this moment.

So today, I'm giving myself permission to just *be* and hope that the truth behind the song below will start to sink in and permeate my soul.  Because everything I am hearing from my own thoughts and fears right now contradicts what my heart knows and has experienced before.  Lord I believe; help my unbelief.



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