This faking it has not been without it's own drawbacks - namely being increased anxiety and most recently, despondency. I finally broke down and went to the doctor today and asked for something to help me deal with the panic attacks and constant anxiety I can't seem to shake. I was on a LOT of Xanax for a long time, many years ago. While it was extremely effective, I was eating it like candy by the end and wanted to get off of it, as I felt like it was controlling my life. So I have just been managing my anxiety on my own for the last six and a half years. And it was going pretty well. But it has now become unmanageable again and I asked my doctor for something to help. I can't ride in or drive a car without extreme fear and panic, I'm jumpy all the time, and leaving the house and socializing is its own special horror (among other things). I've never wanted to be a hermit more than I do right now.
Today has been a rough day. I almost didn't have it in me to go into the office, but I've missed too much work lately due to pain/injections/anxiety that I just didn't think I could deal with disappointing anyone else today. And some of that is just me projecting how I think I look or am perceived by others, but it isn't "me." It's not the kind of person I have always prided myself on being, but more often than not lately, I feel like I am letting everyone down, because I expect better of myself.
But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. There's no quick fix. There's no easy out. I don't know what the future holds and I am struggling to surrender it all. It all feels too big, and too complex.
I *know* that God is bigger than this.
I *know* that He can carry me through this.
But I can't see how and I can't feel it right now, in this moment.
So today, I'm giving myself permission to just *be* and hope that the truth behind the song below will start to sink in and permeate my soul. Because everything I am hearing from my own thoughts and fears right now contradicts what my heart knows and has experienced before. Lord I believe; help my unbelief.
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