Friday, May 31, 2019

How Depression Works

I've been a bit of a mess lately.  We all know I'm not consistent with writing here.  I know that when I'm not writing, I'm not as healthy as I could/should be.  I know that, and yet, I am not actively pursuing the things that keep me the most grounded and emotionally healthy.  This, my friends, is how depression works.  People who struggle with their mental health aren't oblivious to the things that can help them.

Oh I should exercise?

Sure...I can barely get out of bed and force myself to shower, but yeah, let me just muster the energy to run to the gym.

Getting out of the house will help me?

Sure, let me just magically shove down the anxiety that is usually present before I even leave the house and go to a party.

Just stop being sad all the time?

Of course, that's the easiest one of all.  I'll just think positive in the midst of all the negative thoughts that constantly fill my mind.  I'll suddenly shift an entire lifetime worth of lies and other voices screaming that I am worthless so that I am no longer sad.

It's ridiculous.  I don't know if these normal responses to these statements make sense to people who don't wrestle with depression or anxiety - but those of you who do, you know what I'm talking about.  You live this day in and day out.

You know it isn't just that easy.

It doesn't work like that.

It is a FIGHT.  It is a constant battle to connect what I know and what I feel.  To reconcile feelings of deep sadness with rational thinking.  And in the midst of this, being unable to actually succeed in connecting these, heightens my anxiety, which disrupts my mental health and it is just a vicious cycle.  Sometimes there are months in between, sometimes there are days in a row, and many times, I will go through this cycle over and over again just within a single day.  It is a struggle.  All.  The.  Time.

I don't even know why I wrote all of that.  I got on here to write about a 6500 word paper (for lack of a better word) I wrote during counseling in 2012.  But in the effort to start that post, this is what came out.  I'm really struggling today with impossible tasks.  There's so much going on right now and I had a meltdown this afternoon over it all.  I'm so scattered that I don't even have an ending for this post.

God promises that tomorrow will be better.

"...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."  Psalm 30:5

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