Loving When It Hurts: Slipping Through My Fingers

I haven't been sleeping well these last few days. I am on an antibiotic that interferes with my muscle relaxer, so I haven't been able to take that since Thursday. I can't get back on it until Friday. So, I have been wide awake at 3AM the last three nights. There are so many factors going on right now that have contributed to my heightened anxiety. The medication, the transition to the kids being out of school for the summer, and the fact that we are leaving the country soon to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.

But really, the largest part has probably been that I have officially entered a new phase in my life. I am 40 years old, and my oldest just graduated from high school!! It's insane! I have no idea what happened to the last 18 years but it was surreal Saturday, watching Katherine walk the stage and accept her fake diploma. ;-) I teared up several times and just could not get the song below out of my head. Katherine has told me multiple times that she is going to play this song at her wedding, just to make me cry. Abbey also has confirmed she plans to do this. The song is special to me and my girls, but especailly Katherine. The last time we saw Mamma Mia at The Fabulous Fox Theater a couple of years ago, Katherine grasped my hand and held it throughout the entire song, while I just bawled. It was such a sweet, tender moment that I will never forget. So, as the ceremony continued, the lyrics to "Slipping Through My Fingers" wouldn't leave my mind.

So, today I'm writing in celebration. The girl pictured below has changed my life for the better. From the moment I held her in my arms, my heart felt fuller than I ever thought possible. She is truly an amazing young woman. Not just because she's mine and all moms think that. There aren't enough words to describe all of the amazing qualities that Katherine embodies. She is kind and sweet. She's funny and sensitive. She is brilliant, like her father. She is sarcastic, like her mother.

There have been many moments I have found myself doubting my ability to mother my children adequately. I wanted to be the one to change the cycles - to shift our family tree. From the moment I became a mother, what I wanted most was for my kids to know (in their heads and hearts) that I love them unconditionally. And Katherine has always been quick to reassure me when I doubt myself as a mother. When I give in to despair wondering if they will have any good memories, she speaks words or comfort and life to me. She assures me that I am a good mom and that I didn't screw her up. She is wise beyond her years and I am so blessed to have watched her grow in so many ways.

This fall she will leave home for the first time, even though she is only moving about 7 minutes away. She is attending UMSL on mostly scholarships and will be studying Psychology. I cannot wait to see where her journey takes her. Katherine is my best friend and while my heart will be sad to have her living elsewhere, I am thrilled that she is about to embark on the rest of her life. And honestly, I'm more than happy she is minutes away!