One year later...

A year ago today I experienced one of the worst nights of my entire life.

It is a night I will never forget.

It is the night that I came home and sat on the couch, while my husband pretended like everything was "business as usual."  He had just put the kids in bed and we watched TV together, while the kids went to sleep.

And then he sent me a link in a chat.  Before clicking the link, my stomach sank and dread filled me.  Fear and chaos and confusion spread through me, as I faced something I hoped I never would.  Kris knew about the affair.  He knew who it was with.  He knew how long it had been going on.  He knew.

While I physically combated a panic attack, my heart was dead.

I was dead on the inside.

Kris looked at me expectantly.

I didn't have the courage to look him in the eye and face the pain I knew I would see there.

I had destroyed our marriage, and now he knew.

He knew the truth.

And all I could say is, "Well, now you know..."

While I battled physical anxiety, I felt nothing on the inside.  There was no love for my husband of 12 years.  There was no compassion for the hurt I had caused him.  There was no grief, on my part, for the betrayal.

At that moment, I didn't care about anything.  I didn't care if I lived or died that night.  For all I knew, my life was over.  My marriage was over.  Everything I thought I had was gone, with one simple revelation from my husband that he knew about the prolonged affair.

Most of the night is a blur.  I can't even remember what we talked about.  I can't remember if I told him details about the affair.  I can't remember if either one of us cried.  I am sure that Kris remembers more than I do.  I believe that I blocked it out, at the time, because I couldn't carry the weight of what I had done.

The conversation we had that night ended with me packing my bags and leaving home four days later.  I couldn't stay there any longer.  I couldn't face my husband, who was still willing to love me and take me back.  I couldn't look at my children without feeling the shame over the kind of mother I had given them.  I turned my back and drove away, without looking back.

By now, some of you know that it didn't end with that night.  I couldn't see it then.  I had no hope that my marriage or life could be salvaged.  I couldn't see through the pain, the guilt, or the shame.  All I could see was what a mess I had made of my life.

But I learned something during the last year, that our pastor put into words so easily yesterday at church.

If we just cooperate with God, He can clean up our mess in half the time!  We have to stop resisting.  

This is something I didn't believe I could ever learn.

But God has shown himself incredibly loving and faithful.  He has restored what I thought was dead and broken to pieces.  He has been working a miracle right before my eyes, and I still cannot fathom the greatness of God's love and mercy.

It was all just the dark before the morning.