Don't Be Afraid Of The Valley

Finally, TIME.

Kris and I took a week off of work (June 1-7).  This time was so needed.  We are in day 3 of our staycation.  The kids are traveling with Kris' mom and our "puppy" is in good hands with a friend.  While funds are somewhat limited, we have saved some up and chose to stay home and chill, sprinkled with a few outings here and there.  Ultimately, we just wanted some time to not think about work.  To not stay in the chaos we so often live in.  We wanted to be intentional with getting away from the pressure of what has become a daily struggle to do what we can to ensure that the company we work for succeeds.  As an added bonus, we also are taking this time to celebrate 18 years of marriage (June 5).  This time off has provided me with nothing but time.  Time to recharge my mind and heart.  Kris is still sleeping, so I am taking advantage of the time alone to reflect and finally write again.

Kris and I are still involved in the prison ministry with the women's prison in Vandalia, MO.  Kris preached the Sunday morning services a couple of months ago.  He talked about David and Saul.  He compared the trails they had, the choices they made, and the result of the choices they made.  Both had sinned.  Both made mistakes.  But when confronted with those choices, Saul blamed others, made excuses, and ultimately hardened his heart.  David, on the other hand, admitted what he had done, and allowed his heart to break over what he had done.  That is the difference.  We have two choices we can make when it comes to the mistakes we have made, whether in the past or presently.  We can accept the truth, that we are sinners.  That we are broken, and can only be healed by One.  We can confess those sins to a God who loves us and is always quick to lavish grace and mercy upon us.  Even though we are covered in shame and guilty.  We can accept the consequences that our actions produced, and persevere through them.  We can be a David.  Or we can be a Saul, blaming others and trying to hide the sin.

I can promise you that one choice will lead to life, and one to death.  But it is up to us to decide.

We do three services at the prison on Sunday mornings.  There is this song that the ladies seem to love singing called My God Is Awesome by Charles Jenkins.  We had concluded 2 of the 3 services.  Service 3 came around and we began this song again.  I could not have predicted that by the end of the song I would be close to weeping.

My favorite line in the song is this:

My God is Awesome.

He can move mountains

Keep me in the valley

Hide me from the rain

I love this concept.  The mountains vs. valley.  If you have ever been a part of a Christian community, you may have heard of what has been called a "mountain top experience."  I've had these in my life, before and after my affair.  I usually equate it to church camp, or a conference/retreat.  They are these intensive periods of time where the music and classes and speakers leave you feeling fired up.  You find yourself ready to jump off of that mountain, if it means that you will experience a deeper connection with God or perhaps share God's love with someone else.  And don't get me wrong.  The mountain top experience is truly amazing.  I am blessed to have had some of those.

But more often than not, we live life in the valleys.  In the day-to-day struggle to make it through the week.  As someone who has battled depression since adolescence, I have lived most of my life in the valley.  There is something sad and difficult about the valley.  Life doesn't go smoothly in the valley.  Maybe it is the loss of a loved one, or a job.  Maybe a dying marriage.  It could be big or little - the situation that takes us into the valley.

I grew up thinking that my goal as a Christian was to experience as many of these mountain top experiences as possible.  I craved these.  And when they didn't happen organically, it would halt my progress in this race against sin and death.  It would stall my relationship with God.  Because I didn't understand that the valleys can be more beneficial than any mountain top.  The mountain top experience fills the heart with joy and this spiritual "high" feeling.  It isn't all bad, but there is value in the valleys.

So now, while I don't crave the valleys, or the hard times in this life, I do accept that there is a purpose for them.  And that purpose makes me less inclined to rush out of the hard times.  I have seen over and over again that persevering through the hardest days this world throws at us is the real secret to growth.  To healing.  To learning how to overcome the darkness, and not stay in it, alone and afraid.

All of that to share what happened that Sunday morning in the prison, that reminded me of the valley that was the destruction of my marriage.  We were singing the song, for the third time.  I was watching the women and seeing them worship and thinking how grateful I was to be a part of the ministry with them.  I have a  heart for these women and the brokenness each one has inside of them (just like the rest of us).   I felt a stirring in my heart.  The stirring that means I am about to be overwhelmed by the love of God.  It is an emotional and a physical feeling in my heart.  It was in this moment, of thinking about how good God was to me, as we sang the words "Deliverer.  Deliverer.  Deliverer.  Deliverer.  Awesome.  Awesome." that I looked over to Kris, who was across the room from me.  Our eyes met and in that moment I saw the love and grace of God, through the eyes of the man who didn't have to love me.  The man that chose to forgive and to fight for US.  That moment, I don't ever want to forget it.  Tears fell freely, yet again, as this remade heart swelled, with love and the sense that God is so much bigger than the pain and the messes that I get myself into.  That brief moment lasted only seconds, but the smile on Kris' face as our eyes met, meant more to me than almost any other memory I have accumulated these last 5 1/2 years.

It was a reminder of what can come out of the valley.  The restoration of our marriage could not have happened without the valley.  And it certainly would have been over, had I chosen to be a Saul, instead of a David.  But instead, I surrendered to the discipline of God.  Which was not painful or horrible in the way I thought it was going to be.  There is something so beautiful about facing the worst of your sins at the feet of the Cross.  Love and grace are lavished upon you, in the moment that you think God will turn his back or say, "That was too far.  I cannot love THAT.  I cannot forgive YOU."  Instead, God takes one look at us, and like the love and gratefulness I saw in Kris' eyes during that song, he smiles and reaches out his hand to lift us up.  To hold us, to shield us from the guilt and shame of our past and our present mistakes.  And when we can't walk, when we can't even stand, he carries us through the valleys.  He reminds us that we are not alone, and that there is HOPE, even in the darkest night.

As we drove home and I shared what I had experienced with Kris, my mind went to a song I had heard recently by We Are Messengers.  I wanted to share that here.  It is a perfect embodiment of what I have been saying, thinking and feeling about the valley vs. the mountain top experience.

I Look Up

I live my life in the valley

It keeps my eyes on you

I stay broken in the valley

Yeah that's what valley's do

If I wanna catch a glimpse of something bigger than me

I have to look up and when I look up

I see that love is a man hanging on a tree

With his heart poured out for me

Love is a king watching over me

And when I look up

He's all I see

He's all I see

I'm tired of chasing after feelings

That are only found on mountaintops

'Cause when I'm standing on the top of everything

I'm looking down not looking up

So if I wanna catch a glimpse of something bigger than me

I have to look up

And when I look up

I see that love is a man hanging on a tree

With his heart poured out for me

Love is a king watching over me

And when I look up

He's all I see

So when I walk through the valley I will not be afraid

I will hold to the promise that you're walking with me

God you lead me through waters where I lay down to rest

And I look up

Yeah when I look up

I see that love is a man who was hanging on a tree

With his heart Poured out for me

I see that love is a king watching over me

And when I look up

He's all I see

Love is a man hanging on a tree

With his heart

Pouring out for me

Love is a king watching over me

And when I look up

He's all I see

When I look up

He's all I see

When I look up

He's all I see

He's all I see