Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 3 - Hei Hei the Rooster & The Ancestors of Montunui

In this post, I am going to look at two different entities: Hei Hei the Rooster, and the ancestors of Montunui.  There isn't a real connection I want to draw between both.  It's just that there isn't AS much to say about them individually, so it seemed logical to combine them into one post.

Let's start with Hei Hei the Rooster.  Every good animated movie has to have some silly animal sidekick, and Moana did not disappoint in this regard.  From the beginning, Hei Hei is problematic.  He can't seem to rooster the way all the other roosters rooster.  He just doesn't get it right.  He marches to the beat of his own drum.  And yet, Moana is always looking out for him, and always pointing him in the right direction.  She often has to put him back on course, as he gets so sidetracked while he is on mission.  Look, I have never had to deal with ADHD long term.  So I can't say that I truly understand what every single day would look like.  All I can say is that Gabapentin has made me feel as if I have ADHD and I can see this in Hei Hei.  He is always ready to go on the journey, but the distractions all around him often lure him down other paths.

Can anyone relate to that?

There's something else about Hei Hei.  He accidentally winds up on this journey across the ocean with Moana, and when he looks out and sees the ocean all around him, he just starts screaming.  

Can anyone else relate to THAT?

All Hei Hei sees is the water.  But Moana reassures Hei Hei.  She tells him that the ocean is a friend.  And instead of questioning, Hei Hei just blindly believes that what Moana is saying is true.  He looks at the water, and he just dives right in.  Moana actually has to go after him, because he doesn't realize he can't swim.  She rescues him and puts him back on the boat.  And then the minute she looks away, he tries to go right back to the ocean.  There is something about the ocean that calls to Hei Hei.  It's almost like something that is built deep inside of him.  He can't help but dive in.

Faith has always been very hard, and yet very easy for me.  It is easy in that I don't need to do a lot of research or study or debate to believe that Jesus died to save me.  I have never doubted God or who Jesus is.

And if the ocean depths are representative of all that God is, then I am Hei Hei, in that I want to just dive in.  Oftentimes, I just jump into things without looking.  How I manage my emotions is a good picture of this.  I am very reactive with my emotions.  In the moment, if something happens, I don't stop and think.  I don't breathe.  I'm already 10 steps into the world's worst scenario in my mind before I realize what is happening and have to fight to bring myself back down to reality.

If you get to know me even a little, you will learn that I am excited about Heaven.  I cannot wait to leave this broken, always-hurting body and be united with Christ.  The quiet faith of my parents planted a seed in my heart, and the age old hymns which have a habit of pointing to Heaven, watered it.  My life experiences, my choices, and my pain--physical and emotional--have left me with an intense longing for that Home across the horizon.

I love the way The Message version translates Revelation 21:4:

I heard a voice thunder from the Thone: "Look!  Look!  God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They're his people, he's their God.  He'll wipe every tear from their eyes.  Death is gone for good--tears gone, crying gone, pain gone--all the first order of things gone."  The Enthroned continued, "Look!  I am making everything new.  Write it all down--each word dependable and accurate."

I just believe that.  One day, there will be a home for me in Heaven, and God will take away all of my pain.  But sometimes, I get ahead of myself, just like Hei Hei.  Sometimes I want to run right to Heaven and I tell God, "I'm ready now.  I think it's time to go home"  But each time, he has to remind me that He still has a plan for me here, and I have work to do.  Sometimes when I veer off course, I am gently restored back to my purpose.  And other times, I need to be forcefully put into a safe place so that I can breathe and be patient with myself and God's purpose for my life.

This leads me (not too smoothly) into talking about the ancestors of Montunui.  Moana's ancestors didn't always stay in their village.  In fact, we find out that Maui (the demigod who started all of the problems) used to pull up islands from the ocean and Moana's ancestors would voyage and discover those islands.  

There was a time when their entire purpose was to read the sky and sail the oceans.  They knew how to read the stars, and they knew who they were, and how to get back home.  They always kept their home island in their minds, and in doing so, they always knew the way home.  It didn't matter whether they were voyaging towards their forever home on that distant horizon, or if they were discovering other islands and creating villages along the way.

The bottom line is this:  they KNEW the way.  They were able to sail the ocean, between their two homes, and they knew the way to get to both.  While they were alive, they discovered villages throughout the ocean and went back home to refresh and be around their community.  But then after a time of rest, they would voyage again, aiming to discover the farthest horizon.  

There used to be a time where Moana's ancestors and the village of Montunui freely gave of their time and energy to sail the ocean and search for more islands.  It was just what they did.  They didn't stay within the shelter of their own village, safe on their own island.  They realized that the world was bigger than their village, and there was life to discover out there.  And while they did not plunge headlong into a dangerous and vast ocean the way Hei Hei might, they still obediently sought out new islands.  And they KNEW how to do it.  They had generation upon generation who were taught to sail.  But somewhere along the way, Moana's ancestors lost sight of their original purpose.  They allowed the things of the world to distract them and pull them away from what they were designed to do.  They closed themselves off, content to stay in their village, and slowly, each generation forgot, until only the oldest generation still remembers the truth.

It can no longer be good enough to stay in our village.  Our purpose has to be beyond ourselves.  We have to stop trying to hide in our own villages and calling it good enough. We need to realize that there is an ocean full of people out there who have been hurt by the world, and in some cases, by  the very village we are content to stay inside.

Maybe it's time for someone to stand up and say, "I was called to something bigger than what is inside of this village.  My purpose is to voyage beyond my own village and seek out other islands.  I have a hope to offer to a broken and hurting world."

It's a bit terrifying and I have no idea what the future will hold, but I want to be one that stands up and says, "The ocean is calling me.  I will go."  And I want to continue to dive headlong, like Hei Hei, towards Heaven, and trust God to put me back on course when I lose sight of what my true purpose is while I am here on earth.

Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 2 - The Village of Montunui

I have spent over a week mulling over how to approach this blog series about my love for the movie Moana, and what I believe God is revealing to me through this beautiful film.  It's hard to know how to approach something that feels so "big" and perhaps it seems crazy to you that I can find SO MUCH in one little cartoon.  And yet, there's just so much in it to unpack.  

I knew immediately that I couldn't write just one or two posts.  As I have continued my beloved "research" as I am calling it, there are at minimum 10 different perspectives to look at: 

Moana
Chief Tui
Sina
Gramma Tala
Maui
Hei Hei the Rooster
Te Fiti
Te Ka
The village of Montunui
The ancestors of Montunui

Perhaps beginning with the legend within the movie is the best place to start.

"In the beginning, there was only ocean until the mother island emerged: Te Fiti. Her heart held the greatest power ever known. It could create life itself. And Te Fiti shared it with the world. But in time, some begin to seek Te Fiti's heart. They believed that they could possess it, the great power of creation would be theirs. 

And one day, the most daring of them all voyaged across the vast ocean to take it. He was a Demigod of the wind and sea. He was a warrior. A trickster. A shapeshifter who could change form with the power of his magical fish hook. And his name was Maui. 

But without her heart, Te Fiti began to crumble, giving birth to a terrible darkness. Maui tried to escape, but was confronted by another who sought the heart: Te Kā, a demon of earth and fire. Maui was struck from the sky, never to be seen again. And his magical fish hook and the heart of Te Fiti, were lost to the sea. Where even now, 1000 years later, Te Kā and the demons of the deep still hunt for the heart, hiding in the darkness that will continue to spread, chasing away our fish, draining the life from island after island until every one of us is devoured by the bloodthirsty jaws of inescapable death! But one day, the heart will be found by someone who would journey beyond the reef, find Maui, deliver him across the great ocean to restore Te Fiti's heart and save us all."

One of the first scenes in the movie is Moana's grandmother, Gramma Tala, telling the above legend to a group of small children.  All of the little ones listening are scared.  All but Moana, who sits there enthralled.  While other kids wail and fall over, Moana claps eagerly.  And as Gramma Tala reaches the end of her tale, suddenly Moana's father, Chief Tui, rushes in and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Thank you, Mother.  That's enough...no one goes outside the reef.  We are safe here.  There is no darkness.  There are no monsters."  

In a funny moment, he hits one of the window coverings and they all begin falling, covering the room in darkness.  The children are all screaming, "The darkness!" and running around and the chief says, "No.  There is nothing beyond our reef, but storms and rough seas."  He continues, "As long as we stay on our very safe island, we'll be fine."

Moana's grandmother pipes up with, "The legends are true.  Someone will have to go."

Chief Tui (her own son) contradicted her and replied with, "Mother, Montunui is paradise.  Who would want to go anywhere else?"

This is where I want to begin, with the village of Montunui.  As Tui says, it's a paradise.  Look, if I lived in a Hawaiian-type paradise, I think I would find it hard to leave as well.  And yet, isn't that what we do?  We settle into our villages, into our own little churches, if you will.  We find safety and contentment.  I hear a lot of talk in villages churches about getting "plugged in." I'm not saying that this isn't necessary.  I absolutely believe it is an act of worship to get plugged in to a church where you attend and serve the community of believers.

Yet, what I want to propose is that there is a danger in becoming content in only this.  We can become so busy trying to serve in the church that we forget that we ARE the church.  We tend to look inward a lot of the time in general, and this very human trait has found its way into our villages churches.  We can't just live in our own bubble, in the safety of our village church "home" that has the right color carpet, the comfortable chairs, and the kind of programs we want for ourselves and our kids.  I'm preaching to the choir here--I had this attitude for years, especially when the kids were little and needed programs to help their little hearts learn the truth about Jesus.

We settle into our villages churches, and sometimes we forget that there is an ocean of other villages (full of weary villagers!) out there.  When Moana is a child, her father has ONE job.  His daughter will be the next village chief and it's his role to teach her what is important and HOW to lead.  He says to her, "First, you must learn where you're meant to be."  And just like any good cartoon/movie-musical, the village of Montunui is about to break into song!  In the song Where You Are, Chief Tui and the villagers are going to show Moana how important it is to stay in the village, because the village has everything they could ever want or need.

"The island gives us what we need

And no one leaves

That's right, we stay

We're safe and we're well provided

And when we look to the future, there you are

You'll be okay

In time you'll learn just as I did

You must find happiness right where you are"

As the song progresses, you will see Moana through the years as she grows up.  She is being told she has to stay INSIDE the village and never go beyond the reef.  Everything she needs is there and she is well-provided for.  Why would she ever want to leave?  Over and over, Moana finds herself drawn to the water.  While she knows being a chief is important, and that her village needs her, she is constantly rushing back to the water.  And over and over, she is pulled back to the village and reminded that she can find happiness right where she is.

Isn't that the same lie that the world tells us and the same lie that we see creeping into the heart of our own villages churches?  You have to just be happy where you are.  You do you and you will find happiness in that.  Even inside the church, the intentions are well-meaning.  Put down roots.  Serve here.  Find where you belong.  

In and of themselves, these are not bad ideas.  I think there is value in finding a community of believers to do life with.  But I think there is immense danger in bringing the world's ideals into our villages churches.  My previous church and the current church I attend had an outward mindset.  They understood that while community within the church was important, it was far more improatnt to get out into the world, where people are actually living.

Jesus didn't eat with prostitutes and tax collectors because they just happened to come to his house.  

HE SOUGHT THEM OUT.

If we are to be the very example of Jesus, then shouldn't we also seek out those who are lost and broken?  Why stay in our own little village church, when there are other islands and villages out there desperately needing our time and attention, and the very light of Jesus that we carry within us?

I'm not saying every church gets it wrong.  I'm not saying most churches get it right.  All I am saying is that we have to start to see it differently.  We have to get out of the us vs. them mentality.  It isn't the village church against the world.  OK, maybe these days it does look that way.  But it isn't supposed to be like that.  All of my life I have heard how we have to bring others into the church, into the "fold."

No.  

You can judge me, criticize my thinking, or just tell me I am plain wrong, but it's not about numbers.  It's not about us going and bringing lost souls to the church.

It's about coming alongside someone who is hurting and sitting with them in all the ugly, in all the pain, in all the confusion.  It's loving them.  It's knowing that maybe the only thing you can do is pray and the doing THAT, realizing that ANYTHING God can do for them is far more worthwhile than anything I can physically do.  

What is a village if not a family?

It is a community of people who are working together to share, to know and to be known.

And since this entire series is about finding purpose through the movie, I'll say that I believe that the purpose of the village church is not to see how many seats we can fill.  It isn't about building a bigger building, simply because we have more people attending than we can house.

Start a new village!!  Empower the people in your village to go seek out other islands, or in some cases, entire villages that are just floundering in a harsh ocean.  The ocean is rough.  The wind and the waves can be deadly.  But the end goal isn't to get as many people through the doors.  

At some point, we stopped voyaging across the great ocean.  We started anchoring our villages to the land, looking inward for all we needed, and then we just stopped exploring.  We stopped trying to find new lands, because we were content with the family we had built, safe in our own little village that is protected from the outside world.

But here's the truth:

We are IN this outside world.  We are a part of it.  We can't escape that we live in it, and staying within our own little villages will not change the fact that there is a world around us that is in desperate need of the kind of love and grace that only Jesus can provide.  

Lessons About Purpose From Moana: Part 1 - An Introduction

I love the movie Moana.  It is probably, first and foremost, due to my immense love of the ocean.  Seeing as how the movie is set in what I am assuming is a cartoon version of Hawaii, you can't help but have the ocean all around, and my heart is called to the ocean.  From the time I was a baby, I have been around the ocean.  I was born in Florida, though as a baby I didn't live near the water, instead spending my very early years in Indianapolis, then Texas, then finally settling back in Indiana when I was in first grade.  So I didn't get to have the water around constantly as a child, but I always missed it--it was something set deep in my soul since my creation, as I know God knew I would need something to remind me of a power beyond myself.  

My grandma however lived in FL and we would visit at least every summer, and we would always go to the beach.  For some reason, my soul is always settled by the ocean.  When I went through a really bad depressive episode at the end of 2020, the ocean was a healing balm to me.  I was old enough, the kids were old enough, and our lives were such that when I told Kris I needed the ocean, and I thought he would get me to Virginia or FL, instead he arranged a trip to Mexico and had me on the beach a week later.  It was an incredible time of healing for me, and it showed me that I can find healing at the ocean.  

Beyond that, it spurs me on, because I know that at the end of that horizon, at the end of my life, there is a very real place called Heaven, and I am promised a home there.  So the ocean reminds me of that forever Home, and the movie Moana is an incredible picture of finding your purpose while you are here on earth, and also chasing after the horizon, stepping into the ocean, and journeying to fulfill that purpose while you are given breath here.

Maybe my connections in this movie are a stretch, and I know that Disney gets a really bad rap for hidden messages or pushing agendas.  But movies are art.  And you can find beauty and truth in art, and I just can't help but wonder what all truths I miss out on, when I don't have my eyes open to see them.  So yes, art is subjective, and maybe you won't follow my connections here, but that's OK.  Because these were given to me, by a God who loves me and knows how much I connect to the ocean.  This is MY interpretation of the art that is the movie, Moana.

The movie begins with Moana as a very little girl, listening to her grandmother tell a story.  It is a story as old as time.  There was good, and man who thought he was also a god, stole the very heart from what was good in the land, and a darkness began to grow.  The tale in this village is that one day, one of their people will journey far across the ocean to put the heart back where it belongs.

Can we talk first of all just about the imagery there?

In the beginning, there was good.  Before the earth was created, and upon its initial creation, everything on the earth was GOOD.

But though man had all he needed, but he got greedy and wanted still more.  So he stole the very heart from the land and evil came in and was given a place to reign.  Evil has always been with us, since Adam and Eve decided to do things their own way back in the garden.  Humans have stolen the heart of God and placed it in worthless things, that get our worship instead of God.  And this leaves us separated from the One who gave us all we have to begin with.

But one day, there will be one who will rise up to defeat the evil and darkness once and for all and restore the heart, bringing peace and healing back to the people.  JESUS!!!

So I could leave it there.  I could just leave it at that intro into what God is teaching me through Moana.  But there is SO MUCH MORE I want to write through, if for no other reason than to understand what I am feeling stirring in my heart.

I don't know how many parts there will be, but there is far more here than one blog post.  And you know I will say in 10,000 words what can be said in 1,000, if given a chance.  So, in order to really dig into what I am experiecing through this movie (and for me, this is an act of worship in a way), I am recognizing that it may need more than one 10,000 word blog post.  So I will leave you here for now, with the background for this story and my take on the not-so-hidden elements within.

Where The Enemy Belongs

I was listening to the song Under My Feet by Zach Williams recently, and I suddenly thought of Jesus saying "Get behind me Satan."  While I did go to Bible college, I didn't retain much and couldn't quite place where that was from, so like any good former Bible college student, I Googled it.  

Jesus actually said this to Peter, both in Mark 8:33 and Matthew 16:23.  Jesus was explaining what was coming to his disciples and Peter couldn't comprehend that Jesus would actually die.  The Bible says Peter took Jesus aside and said something like this, "Hey, there's NO WAY anything like that could/would ever happen to you!!"  

Peter's fear was welling up inside of him, which seems to have been a theme in Peter's life.  

In terms of my sin and how I view myself, I want to be like Paul, i.e. really see myself as the least worthy of God's grace.  But in my heart of hearts, Peter is a kindred spirit.  He is so very human to me.  

This is the SAME Peter who, in his fear, saw Jesus walking on water and asked him to PROVE himself.  Did Jesus do some miracle with his person (beyond walking on water?!?) to prove he was who he said he was?  

No.  

Instead, Jesus challenged Peter to put his money where his mouth was.  Essentially, I feel like Jesus was saying, "If you want proof, you get up and take the step toward me.  That's all the proof you'll need."

Of course, Jesus knew Peter's heart and the fear that gripped it.  And to Peter's credit, at first, while he had his eyes on Jesus, he began to walk on the water as well.  It was only when Peter felt the wind around him that he became distracted and began to sink.  He cried out for Jesus to save him.  And what did Jesus do?  He reached down and pulled Peter up and they climbed into the boat.  

But there seems to be this recurring "ask" with Jesus.  

He will ALWAYS save.  

He will ALWAYS rescue us.  

Even when we doubt.  

Even when we are distracted.  

But, he will also ALWAYS tell us the truth we need to hear.  And then he will usually ask us to do one thing with that truth:  believe.  And sometimes, he will ask us to prove that we believe in Him, in the same way his followers asked him to prove himself, or the same way we ask God to prove himself to us today.

Jesus saved Peter, but he also spoke to Peter's doubt and faith.  He rescued Peter from the fear and physical danger, but he wanted Peter to see that there was a better way.  To understand that when you keep your eyes on Jesus, you can literally walk on water if he calls you to do so.

We could look at Peter and think he was foolish.  First of all, he asked Jesus for proof.  But who of us has never wanted to see a reason or proof of what we cannot see?  We have all questioned and wrestled with different things.  This desire for proof was not exclusive to Peter.  

Jesus did question Peter's faith, and rightly so.  Peter had been doing life with Jesus.  He had seen the miracles Jesus was performing with his own eyes.  And maybe this had strengthened his faith, but he was still having trouble.  

So when everyone is afraid when they see Jesus on the water, and Jesus proclaims who he is, Peter is, at least, WILLING to believe.  Yes, he asked for proof, but he was face to face with Jesus, and he was willing to walk towards Jesus.  And then he took his eyes off of Jesus and became scared, promptly forgetting everything he knew about who Jesus really was (as I know I often do).  When reminded of the truth--that Jesus was who he said he was--Peter wanted to go toward Jesus.  

This is courage.  It might have revealed Peter's lack of faith in Jesus, but it doesn't mean Peter didn't have courage.  Courage says, "I'm afraid, but I'm going to try anyway."  Courage is not an absence of fear.  Peter might have had a small faith, but he still wanted to be close to Jesus.  If Jesus was who he said he was, then Peter wanted to do whatever he could to be close to Jesus, even if it meant stepping out into a sea of waves.  Where Jesus is, fear cannot be.  1 John 4:18 says, "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.  If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love."

So when we look back at the story I started with, where Jesus says to Peter, "Get behind me Satan.", we simply need to see that Jesus knew that Peter's fear was from Satan, and he wanted to make sure to put it in its proper place.  Jesus understood what it meant to be tempted by Satan.  He KNEW how Satan twisted Scripture to suit his purposes, because he had experienced it first hand when tempted in the wilderness.  

So, Jesus recognized this same thing happening inside of Peter when Peter began to tell Jesus he would not suffer and die.  Peter's mind was on the world and his fear.  He had allowed the enemy to enter into his mind and twist what he knew of Jesus, even though Jesus had shown him time and time again who he was.  Peter simply couldn't reconcile his heart and his mind, because his fear was so big.

Perhaps the devil was trying to tempt Jesus through Peter, by saying, "Oh Jesus, don't worry.  You won't actually have to die in such a horrible way.  It's all going to be fine."  And Jesus came to show us that no, everything will not be fine.  If we continue on in darkness and sin, with no atonement for our guilt, everything will NOT BE FINE.  Jesus knew what it meant to be human and to be tempted, but he also showed us the RIGHT way to handle it.  

Yes, Peter was rebuked by Jesus.  But Jesus didn't really see Peter as the enemy.  He just understood that the enemy was there in Peter's mind and that Peter's fear was in control.  Jesus was telling the devil he had no place there.  He did not belong.  

Jesus was teaching us how to handle the enemy.  

1.  We have to acknowledge that Satan is always going to be there, lurking, just waiting for the right time to attack.  

2.  We have to remember the truth.  Where Jesus is, the devil has to flee.  

3.  We have to say or think or sometimes DO something that will put the enemy is his proper place.  

Because of how Jesus responded to Satan, we have a blueprint.  We can put him where he belongs, under our feet.

A Proper Perspective

 I want to share a little bit about a point of tension Kris and I found ourselves in this morning.

Olivia is playing Pinocchio in her school's version of Shrek the Musical and this week is tech week. Due to longer, fully costumed practices, she needs to be picked up today between 6:45 and 7pm, and I'll already be home from work, finishing my shift at home. Kris gets off at 6 usually and sometimes stays until 6:30. So even though logistically I'm closer to Olivia's school, in the moment it made sense to see if Kris could just get her when he comes home (adding basically only the ten minutes to his trip it would take me to go get her).

I also have a relationship with driving where it's a necessity sometimes, but I will avoid it at all costs. When you live with anxiety but refuse to let it overtake you, you begin to learn ways to manage anxiety and reduce or eliminate it when possible. So for me, I don't drive unless I need to.  It made more sense, since Kris usually NEVER minds, for him to get her.

Enter the tension.

After Kris agreed to get her, I asked him again if he minded. Then I asked it again, a different way, surely believing that this time I would uncover the real truth: that I'm a burden to Kris and in addition to not working the hours I am scheduled for weeks on end because of my back, I'm also too lazy to drive ten minutes to pick up my own kid, who has managed to coordinate rides home for 2 weeks straight and this is the first time we've needed to get her.

This, my friends, is how my brain frequently works.  And my brain will keep prodding me for reassurance, and since I'm not well-versed in telling it the right things, I keep prodding at Kris, looking for him to reassure my chaotic brain that it really is NO BIG DEAL for him to go pick her up.

Why does my brain do that? Why am I so quick to react internally before I can even take a minute to breathe and believe that I'm in a safe situation.

Recently my friend, Linda, tagged me in a post about a podcast.  First of all, if it hadn't been Mayim Bialik's podcast, (which I had actually listened to previously because I mean, I was a Blossom fan long before Amy came along...), I might not have even listened to this episode. No that's not true. I would have gotten to it in a couple years. But anyway, at first I turned it on thinking it would be just another celebrity selling some miracle weight-loss and anti-depression pill that would change my life.

Boy was I in for a surprise. Not only did they sell me that pill, I signed up to sell it and am looking for just 10 eager people...

Okay, I'm only kidding on that part. But am I really, since it changed my perspective and here I am telling people about it?

So if you don't want to listen to the podcast, in this episode Mayim talks to Alan Gordon about chronic pain, as both have experienced this throughout their adult lives. It's funny because the principles he talks about are no different than what God was teaching me in March 2020, about trusting God to be just enough. So while the podcast in and of itself wasn't revolutionary to me, there was a truth I have carried with me from the moment I finished listening to it. And it has to do with this idea of feeling SAFE.

When I heard this principle used in relation to pain, I immediately saw the implications for my pain, but also how to manage my anxiety in a practical way. Look. We all want a pill or quick fix to stop the pain, whether it be physical or mental/emotional.  And the Bible does give us some principles and truths we can rely on.  It truly does and these are essential for the believer to learn.

HOWEVER, we want something that seems a bit more tangible. I'm realizing that in order to manage my pain or anxiety (or even grief should it come knocking, because it is just a question of when), I have to be the one to do the practical, tangible things. They don't just magically happen.

Yes, you can pray and even find great peace. That's a great first place to start, and I definitely recommend it.  But honestly, the greatest and hardest work I've done has to do with reframing my perspective around whatever the issue is.

You can SPEAK truth to your mind, even if you don't FEEL the truth. If we only take the lies in, we won't recognize the truth. And the truth is sometimes so quiet out in the world. It's up to me as the individual, to not only recognize the lies, but speak Truth over them, loudly and regularly.

So what revolutionary thing did this podcast teach me? Essentially, I learned a lot more about PTSD and the body's reaction to it, and HOW to calm my brain down when it's trying to spiral the hardest.  Here is the truth.  

I AM SAFE.

THERE IS NO DANGER.

Listen. I get that there will be times where I am literally unsafe and in danger. But just think about it with me for a minute, if you will.

When my pain is awful and I feel like I can't stand any longer and let's say I'm in a situation where sitting is not an option (grocery store, walking to my car, etc...), I have started talking to myself, really. I literally say, "You are safe." - you will not fall over or lose all ability to walk. "There is no danger," - you will get through this and the time of rest is coming, even if it is delayed.

If you have ever studied or experienced PTSD, you know that what is happening is the person's fight or flight mode, instead of getting triggered and turning on, it's really just ON all the time. Those triggers in the normal world, in someone without PTSD, are essential warnings to the body and the brain that something isn't right and you need to react in some way to negate the threat, and you need to react now or great harm will come to you or someone else.

The person struggling with PTSD wants nothing more than to be able to relax.  Fear and danger are all around. The world is learning and understanding more about PTSD and the different causes.  We usually only think about it in terms of the military and war. But we are learning that years of sexual, verbal or physical abuse can cause PTSD.  PTSD can be caused by one extreme incident, such as the death of a loved one, whether it be tragic and sudden or drawn out like with cancer, but it can also develop from years of mistreatment and abuse.  

The more traumatic the event, the more likely the person is to experience PTSD. For many people, when they do the hard, hard work of getting help by talking to a therapist, they can learn a pathway through PTSD, and may only have triggers every so often. For others, the trauma went on for so long, or was so horrific, they will be fighting a daily battle with PTSD before we reach heaven. 

But there is hope and there are things you can do right now if you are struggling. Please note, I'm not advocating that this is the way to manage PTSD. If you are suffering, please seek the help of a licensed therapist so that you can begin the journey to healing. I'm only speaking from my own experience with PTSD and sharing a new strategy I'm using to help me manage anxious thoughts or triggers.

My challenge to myself (and to you) is that the next time you find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety or fear or pain you think you can never survive, try to tell yourself, "I am safe. There is no danger." You may have to back that up with other truths.

For me, on really bad pain days, I can say, I'm safe. I am not actively in danger. There is no threat that is going to take my life and while my body is weak, it isn't bedridden and I am ultimately okay.  

The same is true when my mind fixates on death and feels fearful I will lose someone I love. I can say, I am safe. Stay in this moment because you don't know if there is danger. You are safe if you stay in this moment, where no one has died. God has promised strength for tomorrow so worrying about how you will handle it if your husband dies is just making you feel out of control.

I kid you not. I have been practicing this, especially in terms of anxiety, because it has been louder than the pain. And I have witnessed physical sensations of anxiety (stomach cramping, heart racing, thoughts spinning, breathing labored) leave my body as I remind it that I'm safe. 

As Mayim likes to say, "It's science!" My body senses a danger, because in 43 years my danger sensor has learned to always be on. My flight response is always triggered. It's just a matter of when. So knowing this, I have to talk my body down when it automatically tries to run from a perceived danger, say for instance, making a phone call. Yes my body literally has a visceral reaction to this. But it's a part of life and I can't avoid it. So I have to get my body back on board and reassure it there is no danger. And I have to do that over and over and over again, until my body learns to shut off flight mode unless there is actually danger.

And that was all a long, roundabout way of saying that when Kris didn't reassure me that he wasn't burdened by picking Olivia up, my mind and body reacted.  I was already in flight mode so when Kris got annoyed with me for asking him a third time if it was okay, it triggered that reflex and in my mind in that moment, he also became unsafe and a source of danger to me.  And then me being triggered also triggered an insecurity in him, of "Why doesn't she just believe me?"  

Triggers are hard and navigating relationships after betrayal trauma can be tricky, especially when both parties have betrayed one another and both parties have experienced great pain at the hands of the other.

But my point is this. You can start a new groove. This is a concept our counselor told us about in the early days of therapy. If you spend years making a groove in a piece of wood, it goes deeper and deeper with each carving.  So if your groove is really deep, but you know you need to make a new groove, and go a different direction, it doesn't happen overnight. 

If you try to make a new groove from that old, deep one, you'll find that your hand automatically tries to go in the old groove. It's actually an excellent analogy for how PTSD works in the brain and body.  You can retain your brain. You can make a new groove, but you have to understand that making a new groove requires hard and consistent work. You might have to fight with yourself sometimes to force that new groove. 

I think it starts with going into those fearful and difficult moments and reframing it. Remind yourself you aren't in the danger your mind or body want you to think you are.  That's how you stay present. You are safe. There is no danger.  If you make a new groove in how you speak to yourself in those desperate moments, I think you'll find a little bit more understanding and strength to keep fighting the battle!

Writing Your Own Psalms

Having grown up in the church, the book of Psalms has been one of comfort throughout my life.  I tend to gravitate towards the ones that talk about being desperately sad, or having trouble sleeping, as those tend to reflect my own history.  Sometime within the last year, a friend mentioned that he had been going through some stuff and had begun writing his own version of Psalms, to try to process what he was dealing with.  He talked about how good this had been for him and encouraged those of us listening to try it if we wanted.  I thought, yeah maybe I'll do that some day, and then promptly forgot about it.

As God often does, he brings things back that we need to hear and in the last month at our own church, we have been going through the book of Psalms (focusing on a different emotion each week).  A couple of weeks ago, the preacher said he had begun writing through his own emotions in the form of Psalms and for the second time, someone was telling me to do with my emotions what I usually do:  WRITE.  For someone who uses writing as therapy to release a lot of pent up emotion, only really writing through it every six months isn't really effective therapy. 

For months, as my emotions and pain have been building up again (because apparently my body has only a 2 year cap for being able to function well-ish), I have felt a need to write.  And yet, I haven't been able to summon the strength and energy to do so.  So it didn't come as any surprise that I found myself on the sobbing end of yet another meltdown this morning.  I had felt it building for weeks so it was just a matter of when.

Today, I woke up at 3:45am with what I can only describe as a big ball of nerves all jumbled up at the base of my skull.  It's unavoidable pain, constant, and has a slight buzzing to it (which is where the ball of nerves come in).  It plagued me for two hours while I drank twenty ounces of water (hydration matters, especially when your body is always inflamed) and laid in bed trying to pray through it and just wait it out.  But with no relief by 9am, I finally decided to get up and try a bath.  

As I usually do in the morning, I had my worship music playing.  I was thinking about the pain and heaven and how I still have to work today and make up some hours, and I was just feeling exhausted and frustrated.  I was overwhelmed and tired and trying to talk to God about it.  Praying is so scattered for me when I am not actively writing the thoughts down.  So as I was laying there trying to trust, trying to endure, trying to hang on, the song Even If by MercyMe had come on.  I was already halfway through the song before these words began to register:

They say it only takes a little faith 
To move a mountain 
Well good thing 
A little faith is all I have, right now 
But God, when You choose 

To leave mountains unmovable 
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing 
It is well with my soul 

I know You're able and I know You can 
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand 
But even if You don't 
My hope is You alone

My sobbing began in earnest at this point, as it was the reminder I needed to hang on.  To trust God, even though it was incredibly difficult to see past the pain.  In that moment, I knew I needed to write through this.  I share it here because for the last ten years I have laid it all out there on this blog, so why should this be any different?  I am not embarrassed or ashamed at having these thoughts and fears and questioning God.  That's the beauty of God.  He WANTS us to come to him with our pain and fear and questions.  He wants us to talk to him about it.  Because when we do, he will speak the TRUTH that we desperately need to hear.  

Living in this physical body is really, really hard right now.  But, I have seen how God has loved and pursued and cared for me throughout my life, especially this last decade.  So, even if the pain never ends before I leave this earthy body, my hope will remain in God and God alone.  This Psalm is just my attempt to be completely honest with where I am at, as well as remind myself of all the truths that my heart knows but sometimes forgets when the pain is too big.

God, I'm so tired.  

The pain is relentless.

It courses through my bones, seeping into my nerves and spreading throughout joints.

It never stops.

Standing is difficult.

Sitting is hard now too.

I can't do anything I want or need to do.

The house stays trashed all the time.

My family fends for themselves on far too many meals.

They care for me, doing basic things like refilling water and bringing things to me when I can't go to them.

I don't have the energy to pull myself from bed early enough to give myself a chance at working a full day. 

I feel like I have failed so many people.

I feel like I am still actively failing those who need me most.

My kids. My friends. My sweet, sweet husband who has always selflessly cared for me while I feel as if I give nothing in return.

I blame myself.

I did this.

My years of running and living in darkness and sin destroyed my spine.

It doesn't matter if it is logical or even true. 

When I'm really honest, in my heart, I've placed it all on my shoulders.

When I think about praying for relief, real, lasting relief, I hit a wall.

Do I not have enough faith?

Maybe I don't let go because I'm still trying to punish myself for what God has long ago redeemed?

This anxiety and quickly depleting strength leaves me weak and empty.

And yet, I cry out to you, God.  

I beg you for just enough relief to get through the next hour.

For just enough strength to take another step, even when that step feels like that very thing is ripping my body apart.

In tears, I plead with God for relief.

I try to have enough faith to believe you will give it.

I'm tired and I'm weak.

But you, God, are bigger than this pain.

You are stronger than my failing body.

Your answers don't always make sense. 

Especially when you ask me to wait.

To keep enduring this.

Are you even asking that of me?

My heart is in turmoil over whether I have to endure this, or only do because my faith is too small.

Are you really calling me to struggle in spite of how exhausting this constant pain is?

And yet, who am I that you owe me anything?

Isn't it I who owe you everything?

Your Son, a cross on a hill, and a promise that the struggle would not be in vain.

You paid it all.

Not because of a hero complex or some other false reality.

You did it because you love.

Because you love me.

Your love is so great, you couldn't help but step in and provide us with an escape.

I am grateful that you saved me. 

You pulled me up out of a pit of my own making, one created to hide from pain.

To hide from you and what felt like broken promises.

But I see now it was my heart in the wrong.

You broke no promises.

Life is hard and I was unprepared.

But you have always stayed the same.

It is I who am constantly changing.

My hiding place, it was a false safety.

Who can hide from you?

No one. 

No matter how far we may try to run.

You remain the same.

Full of love.

Full of grace.

Full of compassion for me, seemingly a nobody, but one you call daughter and friend.

You are my strength. 

My body can't.

But you can.

You bring me gentle reminders at the exact right time.

I have battled long enough this morning, Lord.  

I've been trying and failing to turn to you and you alone with all the thoughts and fears.

But I'm here now. 

Late to the game as always, I surrender. 

Give me strength to take another step, today.

Give me just enough faith to trust that my body will not fail, today.

I believe, Lord. 

Help my unbelief.  

Drown it out so that I can only hear Your truth.

Thank you for reaching down and rescuing me.

Thank you for teaching me that any and all punishment from you happened on that Cross 2000 years ago.

You took my place, so I could live free.

I choose to accept this pain God, even though I don't want it. 

I desperately want you to take it away, but only if that is what will bring you glory.

I want to be a light.

When people look at me, I don't want them to see anything but you and your love and grace.  

Remove everything that ties me to me.

Teach me daily to give up my own wants and desires and chase after you.

Only good is found in you.

You have shown me this over and over again.

You see my pain.

You see my tears.

You see my struggle.

You are right here with me in the midst of them.

You hold me and comfort me.

So I don't give up.

I keep pressing on.

I chase the promise that there will be a day when all this pain is gone. 

I can't wait to run into the arms of the one who has held me all my life.

Thank you, God!

Thank you!

There aren't enough words to praise you for all you have done.

Thank you for the future promise of a home with no more pain.

May I daily live my life so that on that day I will hear you will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

The Ocean Is Calling

I am experiencing some pretty crippling anxiety in this moment, so I thought maybe I would try to write through some of it.  It may resemble rambling, but hopefully by the end of it, my spirit is calmer and I can focus on things like, oh I don't know, my job? 

Eleven months ago, I found myself in the middle of a dark depression.  Shortly after my last post ( back in Sept 2020), where I shared I had broken down and told my husband I needed a break and I needed the ocean, I got the ocean.  Kris didn't hesitate.  He immediately began trying to figure out how to give me the ocean.  In the end, thanks to the pandemic, we got an incredible deal on an all-inclusive 4 night stay at a resort in Mexico.  Literally in less than a week, Kris came to me and said if I could just hold on till Tuesday, we would get to the ocean.  I could write an entire post dedicated to how grateful I was that God empowered him to move on my behalf that week.

I cannot even begin to tell you how helpful that trip was for me.  There was purpose in that trip.  I KNEW I needed to reconnect with my Maker.  I knew I needed the designer of the wind and waves to calm the storm in my heart and mind.  And so armed with all of the life-breathing worship songs that got me through March 2020-September 2020, I rested.  At the ocean.  I wept in a hammock listening to songs about God's power and grace and freedom, with the sound of the waves beating against the sand.  I floated in the water, letting the waves soothe the restlessness in my heart.  The trip to Mexico last September was life-changing and life-giving to me.  God renewed my heart and restored my sanity, which had begun to unravel.

I found my center in Mexico, because I realized that the ocean is where I can best see, feel, and experience God.  It isn't that I can't do that in here in the Midwest.  I can and I have to, because I can't just take off to the ocean whenever I have a whim (but boy do I wish I could!).  My soul cries out for the ocean.  I can't explain it.  If you know, you know.  Maybe for you it is the mountains, or art, or music.  Music is communion and prayer for me, but the ocean--man the ocean is where I absolutely cannot deny the magnificence and power of the God that loves me intimately.  It is like being invited into the inner sanctuary in God's temple - the place where he resides.  For me, being at the ocean is no different than being gathered into the arms of a loving parent after a fall.  

Lately, I have been feeling the depression try to creep back in.  This morning I realized once again that it's the media driving the fear, constantly shouting about the next big thing we need to be afraid of.  I'm tired of being told there is always something to fear.  I work really hard with God to fight the fear that has always surrounded me.  And the media is constantly throwing it all back in my face.  And beyond that, the divisiveness we have over masks and vaccines and the judgment if you fall on the wrong side of both of those things weighs heavy on me.

We've come full circle in this pandemic.  Two weeks to curve the spread turned into being quarantined for over a year, and there is still no end in sight.  In May, mask mandates lifted for us.  People were allowed to go back to life.  And now we're back under a mask mandate and there's talk of more quarantines.  And people on both sides crying out that masks work, but also at the same time, that they do not.  People are begging others to get a vaccine for the good of others, and the other side begging people to think and reason for themselves before getting the vaccine.  People with Covid are still dying.  People with the vaccine are also still getting Covid.  People are still dying, vaccinated or not.  This is our reality.  How on earth can anyone even take a side, when people are standing ON BOTH SIDES with pitchforks to condemn you?  

And all of this has left me feeling drained.  I feel like we are just right back where we started and one side says it's because not enough people quarantined and masked up, and the other side says that it is because we are all too afraid to get out there and just live life.  It stresses me out.  It's too much to feel and care about.  It's heavy and exhausting.  

So, October 4 can't come quick enough.  Two more months and I will be back in Mexico, back at the beach, back to the ocean where I feel the closest to the Creator-God who loves me far more than I deserve.  If I can just hang on until then...

Saltwater Heart- Switchfoot

Talking with myself in a land-locked parking lot

Cough drop tipping from my mouth like a love shot

My writer's block ink, oh, oh, oh

Sick of all the small talk, tripping non-stop

From the open-mouthed graves of the faux-hawk

Cinderblock mall, my blood clot pen, oh, oh, oh

Oh, maybe I could break clean

Yeah, maybe I could break clean

When I'm on your shore again

I can feel the ocean

I can feel your open arms

That pure emotion

I'm finally free again

Like my own explosion

When I'm on your shore again

I can feel the ocean

Saltwater running through my veins like a blind spot

Like I got caught, saltwater like your teardrop

With this saltwater heart, oh way oh

Now it's an abstract thought, but I've been thinking non-stop

'Bout the fact that my body's made most out of raindrops

With this saltwater heart, oh, oh, oh

Oh, maybe I could wash clean

Yeah, maybe I could believe

When I'm on your shore again

I can feel the ocean

I can feel your open arms

That pure emotion

I'm finally free again

Like my own explosion

When I'm on your shore again

I can feel the ocean

Oh, maybe I could wash clean

Yeah, maybe I could wash clean

All my land-locked dreams

And maybe I could believe

When I'm on your shore again

I can feel the ocean

I can feel your open arms

That pure emotion

I'm finally free again

Like my own explosion

When I'm on your shore again

I can feel the ocean

Is It Really Well?

    I have spent the last couple of months beating myself up for not having enough faith.  For thinking that I was so quick to lose sight of everything God was teaching me back in March.  At least, that's how it felt to me.

    Back in March, right before Covid-19 disrupted everyone and everything, God was showing me how to truly seek him and rely on him.  I thought if I could just stay in the moment, keep my eyes on Christ, and continue to ask him for "just enough" in each moment that I wouldn't wrestle with anxiety or depression, and I thought it would be enough to at least manage my physical pain (from a mental standpoint at the very least).

    But then something happened.  When we first began lock down in late March, I was feeling strong and reliant on God.  I was not anxious about this unknown virus.  I had a very real peace about me, and it is no doubt because I was so focused on God and relying on him to get me through the next moment.  At the time, I had the luxury of playing worship music, reading my Bible, journaling, or just sitting in God's presence.  

    But at some point, we all have to go back to reality.  I had a job, plus a brand new side gig.  I had 4 kids, plus a new son-in-law.  I had a husband I wanted to be intentional with.  Life was vastly different, but still overall good.  I avoided reading ANY articles about the pandemic, death rates, how many infections overall.  All it did was increase my anxiety, which I was working to keep at bay.  I had gotten so frustrated with how you can never, ever, trust the media.  There is no middle ground (which is usually where the actual truth is).  One side feeds you stories taken out of context, and the other side does the same.  They complain and criticize and don't seem to understand how hypocritical they are!  Both sides are doing the exact same thing-the facts just look different depending on which side you believe.  It's a vicious cycle that has left me wondering how so many people can still look at an absurd news heading and just assume it MUST be the truth.  It is MADDENING!  I have no tolerance for lies, and I feel like more and more, you can read just in the titles of articles alone that there's a lie in there somewhere.  You should question everything you read on the internet or hear on the news.  Most likely, it is embellished, or flat out just lies and things taken out of context because it fuels the narrative.

    Somewhere in May, there was a shift.  Honestly, it probably began in April, but I didn't really begin to notice it until May.  I began having trouble focusing on work, but it didn't really get bad until July.  I was beginning to resent that the kids were home ALL the time (I was resentful of the situation, not the kids, to be clear).  They were on NO schedule, which meant that at any time up until 1 or 2am, we could count on one of the kids needing to come in and share something or needing something.  It became a nightly ritual with Kris and I.  It became apparent spontaneous/late night intimacy was not happening.  To the point that sometimes we would test it out - you know, start to kiss...and I kid you not, almost without fail someone came knocking or opening the door!  It has been quite amusing, but as you can image, also frustrating.  I'm not complaining about that particular change to our lives and routines - I have actually been able to look at those moments and be appreciative because those interruptions usually involved one child or another coming in just to share something they learned, or maybe they just needed someone to talk to.  It has resulted in quality time spent with our entire family.  The quarantine has taught me a LOT.  It is still teaching me, mostly due to the fact that it is never going to end  still ongoing, but it's not all relevant for this post.  😃  

    But that noticeable shift began in May.  I had gone back to working more, had picked up my side business, and with the kids (plus my son-in-law) in the house every minute of every day, I lost my quiet time in the morning that I was able to enjoy for several hours, and the space I had cleared for myself to enjoy it.  I could no longer turn my worship  music up all the way and just sit for a few hours, writing, reading my Bible, letting the truth in the songs wash over me...

    So it shouldn't have come as a surprise, though it certainly sneaked up on me, that depression hit me full force.  Like a kick to the gut, it doubled me over and I'm still struggling to stand back up.  I never could find a routine to replace what I had, and honestly, I was a bit resentful to suddenly (and for an undetermined, extended length of time) have so many people constantly in my one bathroom, 1200 sq ft home, and I see now how that impacted my mental health.

    But I can't experience the emotions and work through it all just yet, because I know that once I crack the dam that is very precariously holding it all together, it will all come crashing down and I will have to go through those waters and surrender, so that I can heal.  And what that will bring is nonstop tears and a lot of overwhelming thoughts that I will need to sift through and learn how to make peace with.  I've been trying to keep it together, but it has reached a breaking point.  

    My sister-in-law died Aug. 18 and we went to Indiana for her memorial service.  Seeing my brother and nieces and hearing all the great memories of their wife and mother and friend that she was to so many people...it helped me see her in a different light, that I am ashamed to say I struggled with while she was on this earth, simply because I didn't know her well.  Beyond that, at the service, a couple of realizations suddenly became HUGE in my mind and I had trouble containing the emotions that wanted to spill out.  God was asking me to deal with some things I have carried for 41 years, and I knew a reckoning was coming, and I also knew that it was too big to face at a time and in a place where there was no safe place to do so.

    And since then (I think it has been 3 weeks), I have been on the edge of a cliff.  Trying to keep it all inside, which just naturally makes everything worse because I need to get it all out.  I have been at the lowest point in at least 10 years.  I've had depression in the past, but never to the degree where I literally couldn't get out of bed and stay out of bed.  In the past, I would struggle to get out of bed, but had so many issues with my spine, in some ways it was easier to literally get out of bed.  The depression exhibited itself much differently back then, and I attribute it to the fact that it occurred during a time in my life when I was running from my husband and running from God.  This is the first time since I came home 8.5 years ago that I sank back into a deep depression.  

    This time though, it has been different.  This is the first time where, because of what God was teaching me back in March and April, I KNEW I was going to be OKAY.  I KNEW I would one day come out of this.  I didn't know when.  I didn't know how long I would feel like I was imposing on my family.  I didn't know if I would be able to keep working.  I didn't know how many days in a row would go by where I would try to get up to go do something, wander around my house completely incapable of even feeding myself, then wandering back to bed and stay there for the rest of the day and night.

All of that to get to the actual point.  I would apologize, but if you ever read this blog, you know that I say in 10,000 words what some people can say in 1,000.  That's why I could never be a professional blogger, even if I wanted to, because the average post is like 600-1000 words.  Are you kidding me?  That's nothing!!!  That's barely an intro...😂

    As I tried to lay down around 5am, I was singing the hymn "It Is Well" in my head to try to center myself.  I chose that one because it was a childhood favorite, and I know all the words, and it is a song that I have continued to understand more deeply with each passing year.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, though has taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul."

    In March and April, that peace that flowed like a river was an ever-present thing for me.  In May, I began feeling a shift, so subtle that it took me until July to understand that I was becoming depressed.  By that time, it had overtaken me to the point that I could no longer find joy in reading my Bible and the worship songs that always made me feel better.  Because that's what depression does.  It robs you, even of your ability to go to the One who can give you that peace again.

    So I found myself in a place these last couple of weeks where the sorrows are too much.  The waves are too high, the waters too rough, and it's all I can do to keep my head above the water.  It came to a head last Monday night, when I finally confessed to Kris that I was drowning.  He had known I was struggling, but I am not sure either of us really knew how bad it had truly gotten until that night, when thanks to God who I know was with me in it, I told Kris I was not okay.  I was not even close to okay.  

    I knew I needed to get away.  I knew I needed the ocean in a way I have never needed anything in my life.  But I was scared to ask for what I knew I needed.  I also knew we didn't have the luxury to just take off work and go away.  But Kris has watched me struggle since we came back from the memorial service, and I was able to explain even if a little incoherently that I had some work I needed to do and I knew I couldn't do it here.  I needed space and privacy from the kids to really look at the pain, the hurt, the things I know I need to let go of, and really just grieve some things and find my center again.  

    But through it all, even in my deepest depressions, I felt the assurance that God was with me, and I would eventually come out of it.  No matter that I'm frustrated at not knowing HOW LONG it will take.  I want to feel better.  I want to feel like myself again.  I want to feel like I have something worthwhile to contribute to my family, to my friends, to my job.  And I KNOW with absolute certainty that even in the midst of everything, it is well with my soul.  Because I know this is only temporary.   The depression, and the pain I endure on this earth, the pandemic, 2020 in general, and the tragedy all across the globe.  That knowledge is enough to sustain my hope.  It is enough to keep me going in spite of the daily struggle to do normal things, like cut up food or stand for more than a few minutes, or be able to drive comfortably (I lost some mobility after my last surgery in January).  I can't do a lot of the things that the moms I compare myself to can.  I am limited.  And I know comparison is one of the worst things you can do and I am working on that.  But my point is that while I can't do those things, you know what I can do?  Spend time with my kids, even if it just watching shows with them.  I can spend hours talking to them about life and the future and their dreams.  I can love them.  Deeply.  Passionately.  I can pray for them, that they develop their own faith and grow in their relationships with Christ.  I can be there for them emotionally, even though I am physically limited.  I can teach them to be open and vulnerable, by being open and vulnerable in front of them.  

    I hope that even though they have seen me go through these dark days, they have also seen me continue to hope, and continue to fight for my mental health.  I hope that I have shown them that even when it's really, really hard, it is still well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul

Go A Little Deeper

I've said it before, but it bears repeating.  Therapy and recovery is HARD.

In addition to recovering from surgery, and learning a better, healthier way to handle fear and anxiety, I am also in a group therapy of sorts for women who have experienced betrayal trauma. 

Trauma is defined as "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience."

But betrayal trauma is defined as this:

"Betrayal trauma is defined as a trauma perpetrated by someone with whom the victim is close to and reliant upon for support and survival."