Looking back

There is something to be said for looking back and reflecting on your life.  As I look back over 2012, I am both horrified and humbled by events that have taken place in my life.  Early in the year, I made a choice that I have yet to regret.  I came home.  It has been quite the journey, and even though there have been rough patches, I am blessed beyond measure.  My heart belongs to a man who truly loves me, just as I am.  He loved me when I was at my worst, when I was most unloveable.  He has sought to strengthen our marriage and make sure that I am taken care of, spiritually and emotionally (on top of financially).  We have had the best ten months together, learning how to be better spouses, and honor our marriage vows to one another.

Christmas Traditions

Each year, in order to fill our Christmas tree, we pick out an ornament that suits us, or describes who we are or what we like through the year.  Many of you who have followed my writing for sevearl years know of this tradition, and you know that each year I post pictures of our chosen ornaments.  It isn't just Kris and I choosing 6 ornaments   We choose our own, and since they have been old enough to care (age 3 and up), the kids have chosen their own.  So, consider this my annual post on our 2012 Christmas ornaments.  This is my favorite Christmas tradition of all time!  I hope my children have fond memories of this and continue it with their own families some day.

Love Never Fails

"To Exhaustion...and Beyoooond..." (said in the best Buzz Lightyear impression I hear in my head...)

That's the adult battle cry.

At least, that's how it feels for us lately.

Kris and I fought a lot during the last week.  It was primarily me, as always.  But that isn't even why I'm writing.

I'm writing tonight because something is on my heart.  On the way home from work tonight, I was heavily under attack.  Thoughts came into my mind that I didn't want.  Memories.  Things from my past threatened to swallow me.  It kept building and building, and as much as I tried to focus on something else or pray, it was persistent.

Another Anniversary

I wrote in my last post about my life changing 9 months ago.  Today, however, marks a different anniversary   Instead of the night Kris found out about my affair, and I left our marriage thinking it was over, today marks 9 months since I walked back into my home and decided to FIGHT for my marriage.  I decided that what Kris and I had was worth the pain and sorrow.  It was worth whatever it would take to find healing and restoration.  It also marks 9 months of sobriety for both Kris and me.  This is a HUGE step for us and we are so excited to have made it this far.  In 3 short months, we will celebrate ONE YEAR.  I am daily amazed at what God has done in our lives and marriage since February.

Unsure where to turn

Nine months ago today, my life was turned upside down.  My husband stumbled upon something that I hoped he never would, and I was faced with the truth of the life I had been living.  The duplicitous life of someone who had spent years in sin and darkness.  I had to face the person I had become and admit to my husband that his greatest fears had been realized.

It's a night I will never forget, and yet, I feel nothing from that night.  In fact, I felt nothing that night at all, except frustration that Kris had found out, and scared of the future.  Scared of what it would mean.  For me.  For Kris.  For my marriage.  For the kids.  For my relationship with a man I had no business being involved with.

I felt no sadness, or shame, at that time.

Listen!

Listen to this song.  I just heard it for the first time today.

Don't give up.

Enough said.

Come Home

I love the moments where Kris and I are laying in bed and I take his hand and tell him I love him, and he says something like "I'm so thankful for what we have."  Or, the times when he will just look at me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am.  Or the conversations we have about how God has changed us, and how much better our marriage is now that we have surrendered it to God.

You see, the first five years of our marriage, we both missed the boat.  The next seven we couldn't even SEE the proverbial boat!  I cannot remember a time during the first five years that we cherished little moments like those I mentioned above.

Marriage and Christmas music?

It's no secret, if you've read this blog for any amount of time, that music is a dear friend to me.  So, what do marriage and Christmas music have in common?  Everything when I'm involved!  Of all the music I love, next to Christian music with amazing lyrics, I am a great fan of Christmas music.  Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and the music was always played in my house growing up.  I have been known, on occasion year round to listen to Christmas music often, even if "out of season."  Yesterday I heard someone on the radio talking about Jason Gray's new Christmas album.

Halloween Horror

I'm anxious tonight.

This is the first time I've felt fear or anxiety since Friday night.  We did my DIA  and I haven't had a chance to really write about it in depth yet.  But this overwhelming sense of peace settled over me Friday night, and stayed.

And then today, the anxiety has crept back in.

It was little stabs, here and there, throughout the day.  I was just working, so you'd think that I would have been just fine.  But that's a whole other post entirely!

Then tonight I went to the grocery store.

Read my mind!

Do you ever just wish that your spouse could read your mind?

Do you wish they would just know what you want without having to tell them?

Me neither.

In all seriousness though, I am struggling with this.

I want Kris to just KNOW.  I want him to magically have all the answers.  I want him to guess what I want without having to speak it.  I want him to be God, I guess...

And I get upset with Kris for NOT BEING GOD!  For not having all the answers.  For not doing exactly what I want, the way I want it, without me having to speak the words aloud.

Does anyone else go through this?

Psalm 32

Kris came across this Psalm a couple of weeks ago and he immediately called me and told me that I needed to read it.  Once I read it, I could see why he suggested it.  He kept saying "This is SO us!"  And he's right.  I've come to love this Psalm like no other.  It is the story of our marriage, in a Psalm.  We also really love the wording from the New Living Translation.  The parts that are in bold are phrases that really seemed to scream "Fingerprints of God" and really struck home with me and Kris.

Chaos

Chaos.

It's all around me.

It's inside of me.

It comes out in the form of anger/edginess/sarcasm...

And my husband is usually the one who bears the brunt of it.

Tonight was one of those nights.  The frustration and hurt came on without warning.  I asked Kris to do something, while I was on my way home from work.

And he hesitated before responding.

Fear

Fear dominates my life.

It isn't always in the forefront.  Sometimes it is hidden by distractions.  But it is always there.  I can't escape it.  Sometimes it consumes me.  I'll wake in the middle of the night, either from a nightmare or sleep paralysis, having just felt like someone was standing in my house.  Someone that shouldn't be in there.  And then I have to wake my husband up, have him pray with me, and then have him go through the house to make sure everything is still locked up and the children are safely still in their beds...all the time, I'm praying that he doesn't get killed.

I know it's irrational.  Much of what I fear is unrealistic.  Some of it is possible.  Kris dying.  One of the kids dying.  These are all things that COULD happen.  But, apparently, I'm not supposed to think about these things with the frequency that I do.

Love is not a fight

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived (or worse) and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such an easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 8 months ago.  8 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

Second Chances

There is a line towards the end of the movie "What Women Want" that says this:

"It's never too late to do the right thing."

Do you believe this?

I know now that there is an entire world of marriage bloggers out there that understand this truth.  Because they have all been there.  They have made mistakes.  They understand what it is like to screw up.  They've had broken marriages.  Broken lives.

And we all share something in common.

We are all surviving the aftermath of broken marriages, and have come out on the other side.  Stronger people.  Our faith in God restored.  Our marriages healed and made even better than we ever thought would be possible.

We all experienced SECOND CHANCES.

While I'm Waiting

Unlike, Courageous (which I'm not saying wasn't a good movie), the movie Fireproof was very powerful for Kris and I.  Obviously, if you have seen it, you know that it addresses the topic of pornography.  A topic that practically ruined our marriage.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Kris or saying that my affair was a direct result of his addiction.  I'm just saying that had another man not come along, something else would have pushed me to say "I've had enough.  I'm done putting up with this."

Sexy!

Around my house, my children have a problem with the word "sexy."  It has "sex" in it, and that is "so gross!"  So, if they occasionally hear Kris tell me that I look sexy (which I love when he does!) they freak out and think it is appalling.  They'll learn...some day...

All of that to say that I just really want to talk about how attracted to my husband I am.  Sure, he's handsome.  I love his balding/shaved head and his calves.  And his face, when he remembers to shave it for me.  And so many other things, physical attributes.

But tonight, I discovered something else that attracted me to my husband.

Nothing is Wasted

For anyone who has hurt, been hurt, made mistakes, or needs a little hope, NOTHING IS WASTED.  I love this concept and song!  God uses our pain.  He doesn't cause it.  But He doesn't waste it either.

What about the kids?

By now you know much of my story.

I left home for a short period of time after Kris found out about my affair.

I left behind four children.

I didn't just leave without talking to them though.  I knew that they would need some sort of explanation for why I was going to be gone.

If this had happened four years ago, the kids would have been too young to really understand anything that was going on, except for the oldest, maybe.

If this had happened when they were 16 and older, that is an entirely different story.  I honestly believe that, depending on each child and what they could handle, we likely would have told them what happened.

But as it is, my children, once the birthdays are all over in 2 weeks, will be 7, 10, 11, and 12.

How do they process the fact that mommy is leaving for a while?

Memories, sweet memories...

Memories

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine

Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories,
Sweet memories

Of holding hands and red bouquets
And twilight trimmed in purple haze
And laughing eyes and simple ways
And quiet nights and gentle days with you

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine,
Memories, memories, sweet memories

Is it possible to rebuild?

When Kris and I first started going to marriage counseling, I was treading lightly.  I hadn't yet encountered The Cross.  So, while I thought all the pictures and verses on the wall were good for the ambiance, they didn't speak to my heart.

Except for one.

I saw it the very first day that we went to counseling.

I was anxious, and I'm sure I had taken a Xanax or two so I could make it through the appointment without falling completely apart.  Side note - I fell apart anyway!

Song of Gomer

It wasn't until after I posted about Hosea and Gomer yesterday that this song came to mind.  It is such a redemptive song.  And the words are ones that I related to, all too well.  I could have snuck the words and video into that post, but I really wanted to have a new post, and write a little bit more about Gomer.

When I was in high school, I loved listening to Michael Card.  Not for the soft, gentle sound of his melodies. But for the words.  His lyrics were always powerful and always caught me off guard.  The same was true with this "Song of Gomer."

Hosea and Gomer

I can remember, while I was still hiding my prolonged affair, asking my husband if he ever got angry, thinking back to the affair he KNEW about.  He would tell me that sometimes he thought about it, but most of the time, it didn't even come to his mind.  He would also tell me, as I would be weeping thinking he MUST be only seeing "the affair" when he looked at me, that I was wrong. He didn't look at me and see the affair and feel the hurt I had caused him.  He would reassure me and tell me that he loved me and that was that.

I wonder if that is just the way men are wired, or if my husband was just given an extra measure of  grace, a deeper insight of what it means to be my Hosea.  That's how I see him, by the way.  As my Hosea.  

The shift

There have been pivotal moments in my life.

Where I was going in one direction, and then, without warning, the route was altered.  There was a shift.  Sometimes it was caused by me. Other times it was unwanted, and I was dragged along kicking and screaming.

I can remember the first semester of college back in 1997.  I had fallen hopelessly in love with a guy.  I thought he liked me back.  It's your typical boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy-shatters-girl's-hopes-and-dreams story.

Can I Just Say Something?

I want to take a minute or two to share something that is on my heart.

I don't have all the answers.

I haven't figured it all out.

I make mistakes and I am not perfect.

I do believe that my marriage is being blessed and is blossoming, because of God's work in my heart, my husband's heart and our lives.  This is not something I could have done on my own.  It is only by God's grace that I have this story to tell.

Playing With Fire

My heart hurts this morning.

I see things.  I read them or hear them.  And they break my heart.

You cannot understand this pain if you cannot relate to it.

I can relate to it.

Playing with fire, as we should all know, is extremely dangerous.

You could get too close and get burned.

Falling Slowly

From the moment I discovered Glen Hansard and The Swell Season, I was in love.  The music is just amazing.  Glen's voice gives me chills.  And when he sings with Marketa Irglova...I just can't explain it.  Their music is incredible, and it moves me.  Some of you not familiar with these artists may have at least heard the song "Falling Slowly."  It has grown in popularity in the last couple of years and it is mesmerizing.

How do you say "I'm sorry"?

"I'm sorry."

Probably the two hardest words for me to express verbally to my husband.

Couple that with a difficulty to also say "I forgive you" and we can sometimes find ourselves at an impasse.

When Kris and I have a "heated" discussion, I will readily admit that the majority of the time, it is Kris who does the apologizing.  It isn't a stubbornness.  It isn't because I am not sorry.  It isn't because I haven't recognized the enemy at work in our relationship.  I am not sure that I can even put words to it, except to say that I find it extremely difficult to verbally, with my words, tell Kris "I'm sorry."

I will sit, my body language saying everything but "I'm open and willing to work this out."  See the couple in this picture below?  THIS is what I'm talking about.  This is an example of this type of body language that tells Kris "Houston, we have a problem."

Irrevocable decisions

A question to answer:

What is a decision that has irrevocably changed your life?

The first thing I wanted to do when I read this was laugh.

I thought "Haven't I been writing about this very thing?"

I could say that the thing that irrevocably changed my life was choosing to have an affair.

Or maybe that I chose to continue that affair for over seven years.

Or that I left my husband and family back in February.

Where The Healing Begins

About three years ago, I had become very disenchanted with the church we had been attending.  Of course, we all know PART of what contributed to that.  When you are in the midst of hiding an affair, it is difficult to be at church, is it not?  It was for me.  Beyond that though, there were not many families with children that were our age and I wanted more for my kids.  You'd think I could have seen the distortion there-and I did-but I chose to ignore it.

Without Running Away

I heard a song this week for the first time.  It seems so appropriate for the point I was at in my life, between February 19th and April 6th.  You will soon learn the significance of April 6th for me, but not just yet.  But this song...man this song...

Communication 101

Kris and I saw this the other day when we were waiting for our counseling appointment.  At first I was like "No.  That's not true!  I am responsible for what you understand."  But then, the more I thought about it, and discussed it with my husband, I reconsidered.

I AM responsible for what I say.

Does Anybody Hear Her?

A friend reminded me of this verse when I told her I felt like I might wind up sharing a BIG part of my story with the blogging world.  

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them.
James 4:17

And then, as I contemplated writing something else, I heard it.

A song came on.

A song I haven't heard in, I kid you not, SEVEN years came on JOY FM, and ended right around the time Kris and I got home from a date.

I had always liked this song, and when I heard it, I was in a better place spiritually and with my marriage.  I would listen to the song and think "Wow.  More people need to understand the truth in this song."

Loving When It Hurts

It all began on June 5, 1999.

That is to say that the wedding took place that day.

Our life together began, officially.

Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
    like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
    rivers cannot sweep it away.
Song of Solomon 8:6-7

And while we didn't know it at the time, a full-scale war for our marriage began that day as well.

We were young and "in love."

And we were stupid.